And So It Begins:: Full commentary, as requested. I’m going to be doing as much as possible, splitting it between the two writers if necessary. If either of you have questions, concerns, or would like further commentary feel free to PM or IM me and I will help as much as possible.
Continuity 6
Setting 6
Pacing 7
Dialogue 6.5
Action 6
:: In the forth post, the little bit about the puppeteer was confusing. Not sure what it really did, without an adequate description, and also not sure how it was used. Something about moving the other man’s mouth, but not sure if the words were yours or his, or even if they were just telepathic in nature.
Persona 6.5
Technique 7.5
Mechanics 7
Clarity 8
Wild Card 6
Score: 66.5
Rewards:
Blank :: 744 exp | 158 base gold + 250 for the job = 408 – 10% = 367 gold
((Spoils granted. Rewarding 3 points to the Scourge’s faction point total))
Thread Notations (post by post)
Originally Posted by
post 1
:: “ Here in the city of nightmares and dreams part of the underbelly of the noble houses would be gutted from its perch and toppled into the long scope of obscurity for his enemies had spoken.” :: There should be a comma after “of obscurity”, otherwise it tends to look and read like a run-on at the end.
:: “Whilst the silent swordsman remained silent,” :: Umm… a bit redundant. If you’re a silent swordsman, I’d assume you’d remain silent. A synonym for silent in this case would be preferable.
:: “Hildegard disappeared into the distant Lumpy Road,”:: If Lumpy Road is supposed to be a proper name for the road itself, then the entire thing should be in italics instead of just Lumpy.
:: “Each livid tug of muscle and fold of skin rippling like the lynx’s might was a testament to the might of the Scourge,” :: Use of “might” twice within a few words of each other. Synonyms.
Originally Posted by
post 3
:: “As he gave chase all the pain of Celia’s betrayal and Blank’s own stupidity returned.” :: “As he gave chase” should have a comma after it.
:: “He would kill Van Hildegard as soullessly as he had killed Blank's one chance at happiness.” :: When you write “killed Blank’s” it seems that you are either writing the narrative of the other guy and his thoughts of Blank – which if that’s the case it should be clarified – or you are referring to the character with a proper noun in almost a third person speech type thing. I’d suggest either the clarification, or writing a pronoun instead, such as his. If it’s Blank thinking of killing Van H, then it should be more “as he has killed his one chance” instead.
Originally Posted by
post 4
:: “Thieves Guild members had lead to one thing after another” :: led instead of lead.
:: “he had added another mysterious enemy to the Silent Swordsman’s list of many.” :: Who is ‘he’? Is it Blank, who I assume is also the Silent Swordsman? If so, then he implies someone else added an enemy to Blank’s list… not that he added one to his own. If it’s adding to his own: “another mysterious enemy [was added to] the Silent Swordsman’s list of man.” It makes much more sense, and you don’t have the mysterious pronoun.
:: “Picking up the pace to ensure his quarry did not escape so easily Blank poured out into the street like a tsunami of rage.” :: “escape so easily” should have a comma after it.
Originally Posted by
post 5
:: “Equally as quickly Blank knocked his sword to one side” :: “as quickly” needs a comma after it.
Originally Posted by
post 6
:: “Mistakes made him angry, mistakes made him regret, certainly, the only thing he had ever learnt from making a mistake was to try to never repeat it again.” :: A bit of a run on. You could have a period after certainly and start a new sentence. It would keep them a bit longer, without detracting from the staccato pace of the narrative itself.
Originally Posted by
post 7
:: “The fire In the street lights flickered suddenly as Blank stood upright” :: In shouldn’t be capitalized.
:: “Suddenly away that being discovered would not be the best ending to an evening;” :: away should be aware.
:: “Blank however, would have to live in with the last glimpse of fear in Hildegard’s eyes burnt into his retina.” :: “live in”, in doesn’t fit and probably was a mistake.