View Full Version : These Lonely Walls
Flamebird
06-30-2018, 07:38 PM
[OOC: Closed to Hayate.]
~~~
Felicity felt dazzling energy and sparks fly around her. Her eyes were closed, but the weightless abyss of ethereal light and stars consumed her. Time and space bolted past at frighteningly booming, hasty speeds. She literally could feel magic, as her affinity for magic was growing. She felt the multiple colors, shapes, smoke and mirrors, around her in the most tangible of ways. The truly neutral monks heavily slammed into her with this overload of pure magic. Felicity felt hazy. Hopefully, the arena the monks were currently creating would not be this sickening.
She had not been to this place in a long while. She was in Radansanth visiting her older brother figure, so she thought why not about coming here. By paying the Citadel a visit, she could hone her skills. Right now, they were transporting her to the arena they had picked out. Eager anticipation was met the motion sickness and “magic overload†that was making her head spin.
Peridot eyes flashed open when her feet touched solid ground.
She lost her balance. The first thing she saw was an obsidian path as she lost her lunch.
After several moments of disgust, she arose. Steadily standing on her feet, the girl still eyed the floor. It was coated in dust and dirt, untouched in ages. There were a multitude of cracks, ranging from miniscule to massive, along the floor. She looked up. In front of her, tangled in a mess of vines and plants, was an expansive castle. Gothic in architecture, similar to the churches of Salvar, its glorious walls were buried beneath the temperate forest surrounding them. there was a humongous, twenty feet tall monster of a steel gate. Up above it, a massive, round gothic window was barely visible between the branches.
Felicity stood in stunned astonishment.
She took a moment to check her gear. She had no armor on. She hated metal armor, and anything made of cloth or leather would be destroyed by her own powers. Instead, she wore a black shirt and shorts. Both were immune to her own abilities. At her hip was her delyn arming sword. On her back, a quiver full of arrows and her talymer war bow were at the ready. She nodded stoutly to herself, her hair bobbing in its ponytail, and stepped forth.
She initially tried to get through the foliage by pushing them aside. Even with her tremendous strength she could not budge the tree trunk sized vines. Using her delyn sword did not cut it either. Unwilling to waste too much energy on forcing her way through, she took a step back.
There had to be a weak spot somewhere.
There! Through the window, various glass was shattered from the branches which forced their way through. From here, they seemed easy enough to duck through. Felicity cracked her knuckles and stretched, anticipating a thirty feet climb.
So she started her way up. The plants were so tangled, massive, and sturdy. She had no problem climbing up as the cool wind blew from the dark abyss behind her. Through the moss, she saw that the walls had a diversity of complex designs running through them. The terrifying gargoyles only gave her more to climb up. This was all so fascinating. The green and brown plants were her staircase as she scaled the plants. She had climbed mountains and fought through jungles in previous adventures; getting to the top was a walk through the park.
Careful not to get herself cut, she stepped through the demolished window. As tiny shards of glass crunched between the thick log and her boots, she looked down.
The abandoned throne room took her breath away. The black marble floor was, once again, in poor shape. Various trees shot straight through roof, leaving the dim sun to expose the dark palace. As sunlight invaded, attacking through the cracks in the dome ceiling, Felicity noticed how many perplexing flowers existed. Blue roses taller than her, a weird pink-orange bloomer she never encountered before… the trees themselves blossomed like cherry trees, except the leaves were shaded purple and the brown barked trees were way too huge. Grasses and ferns coated the center ground, the floor all but demolished. The various smells of different flowers and plants all were quite pleasant. Yet, the musty feel of the grandiose ruin was equally overpowering.
The girl decided to slide down the branch, landing on a balcony several feet below. The sound of boots pounding marble echoed across the whole, previously quiet room. She pulled her powerful bow off her back, grabbing two arrows. One was held with her bow while the other rested in her drawing hand. She stalked at the edge of the multidesigned, complex black railing. She surveyed the room below as she pondered, What does the Citadel bring me today?
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-03-2018, 04:18 PM
Hayate Amatsukami held tightly to twisting tendrils as he attempted to scale the front of the Gothic castle. Sweet dripped from his brow as he pulled himself up inches at a time using what upper body strength the one-armed man could gather. It was a slow process trying to find as much footing a possible and trusting that his own strength would'nt give out as he reached up to grab the next clutch of vines. To say it was nauseating would be an understatement but the leader of the Immortals wouldn’t let this simple task get the better of him.
You do know that I could just-…
Don’t even start with me. Hayate quickly silenced his partner. Yamato was a smart spirit but didn’t quite understand that Hayate was doing this for himself. This would be his first time back in the Citadel since he lost his arm to Hiruzen and if nothing else other than just to spit in that bastard's face the young swordsman wouldn't let this that stop him.
If he did then Hiruzen won.
Just don’t get too far behind her. Yamato persisted to echo though the young swordsman’s thoughts. Luckily for Hayate he wasn’t the first person to teleport into the arena and caught a glimpse of a young ginger girl scaling her way into a broken window high above the castle’s front gate.
Can you just let me concentrate? Hayate thought back as he locked his foot into a tangle of vines pressing forward through adversity. He continued to climb at a snail’s pace until he reached the broke stained glass entryway. The one-armed man huffed and puffed as he pulled himself on top of the giant vine that draped though the window. It was shameful to admit but Hayate was already tired.
The interior was dimly lit but the shards of light that poked though the canopy of hanging vines above beautifully accented the diverse colors of the fauna within. Hayate breathed heavily as he leaned though to try and catch another glimpse of his opponent. Until now he had the element of surprise on his side and didn’t want to lose it too quickly so he did this with caution. As his eyes scanned what parts of the throne room he could see in the dim light the current dilapidated state of the masonry didn’t go unnoticed as Hayate tried to formulate some kind of plan.
Just then the noise of heavy footsteps began to echo though the open room. The young swordsman withdrew his head and hugged vine tightly to avoid being spotted as best he could. Quietly he listened and as the footsteps grew louder and louder he strained his neck trying to see it while remaining out of sight himself. From either side of the throne room extended two barely visible corridors hiding behind darkness and greenery. Hayate was familiar with the little tricks the monks who ran the Citadel like to play when they build their arena and knew that whatever dwelled within these abandoned halls wouldn’t play nicely.
Slowly the footsteps pounded against the broken cobblestone floor as a large metal clad figure came into view. Dressed in shadows the black figure ominously entered the throne room standing about ten feet high and heavily armored. From what Hayate could see without compromising his position the Black Night had a large broadsword in his right hand and an aegis in his left. On its shield was the insignia of a gargoyle like the ones Hayate noticed as he scaled the entryway of the castle.
That must be a sentinel or something, Yamato chimed in breaking Hayate’s silent concentration. But you’re ignoring the task at hand. You need to find the girl, don’t bother with this guy unless we have to.
You’re right. Hayate answered again as he shifted his attention from the Black Night who continued to drag its feet across the crumbling cobblestone floor. The little girl was much quicker than Hayate when it came to climbing and it wouldn’t be impossible for her to have already disappeared further into the castle by now. So with that in mind Hayate stood from his hiding spot before he disappeared into the shadows. He moved with the skills of an assassin clinging to the darkness as he slowly and quietly lowered himself one vine at a time.
Moments later as the one-armed man was trying to climb down in peace from out of nowhere the large black sword of the sentinel below whirled past Hayate’s head. It made a loud clinging sound as it firmly planted itself into the vine and stone next to the young swordsman. Hayate let out a startled cry as he lost his grip and plummeted down landing on top of the large gateway beneath him. It appeared that the black knight had Hayate pegged from the very beginning. As it let out a bone chilling screech the soldier catapulted itself a number of meter to where its sword was embedded.
Above black knight ripped the sword from the wall with a violent roar before it turned it face to look at one-armed man catching his breath below. Hayate hadn’t the time to relax as the monster let go of the wall and quickly plummeted with his sword ready to impale the swordsman. Without a second to think Hayate rolled off the large gate falling good three or four feet before using his good arm to grab a handing branch. He hung for the briefest of moments before letting go and landing safely on his feet.
Now would be a good time to run. Yamato suggested.
Right, Hayate answered as he pivoted and made a wild dash for one of the two corridors on the right side of the room. Maybe this will lure out that girl.
Flamebird
07-03-2018, 06:34 PM
The sound of conflict cascaded in her ears.
The girl only had to look to an entryway across the room to see it. Next to the vine barred door, two opponents fought. One was a dark knight, coated in black. Its shield bared the symbols of this castle. It fought off its intruder, an Akashiman man with… only one arm?
She raised an eyebrow, but felt ambition grow in her chest. This is my fight!
Keeping her missile weapon at hand, she raced through to balcony’s corroders, which spanned across all sides of the room. Her pounding footsteps pattered across the room in an echo as blades clashed elsewhere. She hastily drew closer. She bolted through the crumbling stone balcony. The fight commenced, with the exhausted looking samurai desperately trying to run.
He won’t be much of a challenge by the time I finish the knight…
Finally, she skidded to a halt when she was close enough. She fully pulled the massive bow back. She had to be careful, aiming with caution as the knight kept on the man's toes. She growled, her arms quickly growing tired. She waited for the right time to strike.
Blades whirled and footsteps resounded as she aimed.
...
There!
*Thling!*
The heavy arrow pierced the knight, crushing armor. Within seconds, the knight's armor fell in a heap to the ground, nothing left to possess it. As the great sword hit the marble floor, it let out a ringing sound. From the balcony, Rhyolite lowered her bow.
She was still amazed by that thing’s power.
She gazed upon the warrior. He wore white robes, typical of his culture. His long black hair, pulled back in a ponytail, was lined with trickles of sweat. Beneath his mask, blue eyes were narrowed in a bitter seriousness, yet glazed with shock over the fight. His person was lined with traditional weaponry.
Sunlight burst through the crumbled roof and windows. As dust floated in the abandoned fortress, Felicity eyed a massive dandelion, the size of a bed, near the lining of the moss flustered wall. She smirked, putting her bow away. She leapt over the wall, landing neatly on the flower's pillowing. She stepped down, giving him a salute, “I suppose you need a moment’s rest before we resume?â€
Unlike many who entered the Citadel, Felicity was not a cold blooded killer. She was willing to play fair, carrying a moral code. She carefully observed the scene. The young man was standing within the edge of the sea of tall grasses and weeds. The center of the room was bathed in sunlight, yet in the shadows darkness dwelled. Was there more than one knight? Hopefully not. It would annoy Felicity beyond belief.
The teen waited, crossing her arms as her trim muscles rippled, “Name’s Felicity Rhyolite, by the way.â€
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-07-2018, 08:35 AM
As the last Amatsukami kicked up dust and rubble trying to flee from the menacing dark knight a loud clang of metal on metal rang through the lofty throne room. The sentinel behind Hayate let out one final screech before the darkness that composed it dissipated. Hayate turned face and saw the young girl he had been fallowing standing a few steps behind him. She held a bow to her side as she gestured towards him to wait a moment.
It looks like we won’t have to worry about her like the last guy. Yamato telepathically said to it’s master. At least she isn’t teaming up with the creature.
Then the ginger lass surprised him as she politely introduced herself. Her name was Felicity Rhyolite and Hayate pegged her to be about of legal age but only barely. Was it adolescence that made her so foolish to waist the opportunity before? Or was it something else like a code of morals or what have you? Regardless Hayate appreciated that she didn’t immediately attack him and thus decided to give her as much respect as she did to him.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,†He said as he started to scratch the back of his head with his right arm and smile. “You don’t often come across anyone with good sportsmanship here, my name is Amatsukami Hayate, former noble of Yukon, leader of the Immortals and member of the Brotherhood.†He had to start getting used to his new titles. He hadn’t had them long but owned them like they had been his for years.
Strapped to his back was a large katana like weapon known as a Nodachi, which housed Hayate’s combat partner Yamato. And behind his hips dangled a Akashiman style dagger known as a Wakazashi that he had just picked up from Harrington just hours before he came to the citadel. Felicity seemed to have come prepared as well, minus the lack luster armor she chose, but that could be for a number of reasons. It didn’t really matter anyway, Hayate had a trick up his sleeve but didn’t know when would be the appropriate time to use it.
“I suppose it’s time we get started isn’t it?†the last Amatsukami said as he lowered his hand to rest upon the hilt of his wakazashi. Then with a quick flick of his wrist he drew his titanium weapon and spun it in his palm before taking a fighting stance in front of the girl. He would let her ready herself before he started his assault as she gave him the same curtesy just moments before.
Yamato I’m going to test myself for a moment before I let you handle this.
Understood, speak the words when you need my aid. his spirit partner said before he faded into silence to allow Hayate to concentrate.
“Whenever your ready.â€
Flamebird
07-09-2018, 03:14 PM
Wow, he’s super proper…
She had to humorously agree with how little sportsmanship there was in the Citadel. An amused smile crossed her face as he finished his lengthy introduction. Felicity had knowledge of how formal Akashimans were, yet she still was surprised by the courteous nature this man carried.
Tall grasses and broken stone stood between them, insects compared to the giant trees protruding through the roof. As burning rays of sunshine bathed the quiet, abandoned castle, Felicity developed a plan. The redhead pulled her large bow off her back, letting it thud against the aged marble below. All it would do in short distance combat would be to limit her mobility. She pulled her arming sword out with her dominant right hand. The two edged weapon was made of powerful delyn. The weapon glowed in the rays of golden light from above. Soon, it could also sparkle with crimson. The girl assumed a Fool’s Guard, relaxing her sword and pointing it towards the ground. This stance was both seen as foolish to experienced swordsmen for the lack of guard, and fooling to opponents, as the unpredictable stance could shift into any attack or block. This was a wildcard stance, a ruler of the random.
Felicity cautiously stepped closer. The sound of her footsteps changed from thudding against stone to crunching long grass and dirt. She remained as hard to read as possible. Felicity was quite neurotic and spontaneous, clever and intuitive. Yet, her hardheadedness and quickness to anger countered her strengths. While disciplined, she was more than likely to act on impulse with the fifty fifty toss of a coin.
As her eyes darted around him, she could sense magic extending from his general area. What kind of magic, she had no idea. It was no surprise to her however that he at least used some form of it.
Up until this point, her movements were slow and careful. Now, she completely stood still. Nothing but the muted sound of distant crumbling stone sounded in the room for a short moment. Then, she snapped into action.
She had more than one sharp edged weapon on her. She pulled an arrow from her quaver with her left hand. Using the four fingers she had on that hand, she hastily tossed it at the samurai. Immediately, she lunged with her sword in a stab. Hopefully, while he swatted away or dodged the arrow, she could get a solid lunge in.
This was the time when, after ages of loneliness, the long dead gothic castle sprung to life. The two duelists within revived it in the glory and gritty darkness of battle.
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-11-2018, 04:17 PM
Things were about to get interesting. Hayate watched closely as the young lass assumed a fool’s guard, a stance he hadn’t seen before in practice, with the tip of her blade pointed towards the dirt. The last Akashiman took in a deep breath as they shared their a few more seconds of peace. Based on appearances Hayate assumed that Felicity was going to be quick on her feet so like any strategist he was ready to make some distance between them. With Felicity discarding her bow for now it wouldn’t be a bad plan.
Then suddenly she made the first move. Felicity quickly lobed and arrow from her quiver towards the samurai forcing him to move in a way he hadn’t planned on. Hayate clutched his wakasashi and was about to simply slash the arrow in two but before he could his opponent lunged at him. She was a rash fighter, or a smart one, time would tell but for now Hayate wasn’t impressed.
He took a solitary side step letting the arrow fly past the right side of his head. Then with a quick pivot Hayate ducked under Felicity’s sword with his blade position in such a way that it would tear through the tender muscles and flesh of her under arm. Everything happened in an instant and when Hayate raised standing behind Felicity he wasn’t even sure his blade cut the lass. Regardless upon standing he sheathed his Akashiman dagger and reached up for the hilt of his Nodachi.
She was quick and he was weak, too weak to rely on his strength alone. But he wasn’t about to give Yamato complete control over the fight. This was his chance to prove he wasn’t going to let other push him around, he needed to prove to himself he could stand on his own two feet. In this world of magic and might he needed to know that he could survive it and endure all the challenges that lie in wait for him.
“Rise Up.†he let his incantation slip through his lips. As he spoke the words a red glow emanated from his back and around him started to form the ribcage of a giant skeleton. The bones were ethereal in nature but as durable as dehlyn and were going to be his impenetrable shield.
“This match was over the second you gave up the element of surprise. I won’t allow myself to be beaten when my enemy has delivered themselves to me on a silver platter.†He was trying to sound tough, but he wasn’t sure if his big talk would intimidate the girl or not.
If she does anything ill protect you. Yamato telepathically said to Hayate attempting to ease his mind. Just don’t let her play you like the last guy did.
Flamebird
07-11-2018, 06:42 PM
There was a price to pay for not wearing any armor.
For her shrewd plan, Felicity was equally reckless. The attack failed to overwhelm him. Instead, he stepped aside and made a neat, simple, disciplined move with his blade. For a brief moment, pain exploded in the girl's upper underarm.
A blind rage overtook for a millisecond, which caused her to blindly swing. She was temporarily immune to pain, just a little bit stronger than before. Yet, her nuclear strength boosts all came at the price of a calm mind. Unfortunately, a tall plant next to her had a series of vines. As Hayate recollected, the fifteen seconds were wasted on blindly lashing at the vines, somehow freeing herself.
As pale green plant remains fell around her, she stepped out with a twisted look of anger. Then, anguish.
Her arm stung. The girl squeezed her sword as she cried out in the sharp, pulsing pain. Crimson blood dripped down her bulky arm, coating her hand. She feared her grip on her weapon grew slippery thanks to her own body liquid. Her blood was dark, too tainted in shade to be considered normal. Her body, in fact, was a living nuclear bomb. Her dark powers, she had nuclear radiation running in her veins. Her blood could sting, nauseate, bring pain… It was unfortunate that, thus far, her blood only represented her own pain.
She would have to endure. The strongly pain resistant berserker bit her lip in frustration, determination. Then she gasped, feeling a surge of magical energy from in front of her. Looking up, she saw that the man had summoned an ethereal ribcage around him. Beautiful, powerful, it illuminated the simply clothed man in glowing color. It wrapped around him like a suit of armor, protecting him in glowing red-orange energy. Felicity could not help but take a moment to observe it in awe.
Yet, her childlike wonder quickly turned to anger. His words. His words poked at her, taunted her. They told her she was not good enough. An audible growl sounded, low and enraged. Her free fist tightened, face red. It was complicated, the fact that even with her low self esteem she needed to defend herself. Despite her insecurities, any word spoken against her struck the worst of chords. She had been put down too many times to count in life. For her young age, she experienced so much. No, this Hayate was wrong. He clearly underestimated her. Bitter determination shone in her darkened, slitted eyes as she put her sword away.
She had no idea how the summoned bones worked. She needed a new strategy.
As she winced in pain, holding her moderate cut, her mind raced. Her eyes darted towards her bow, cast on the filthy marble floor. Maybe… she needed to take a missile approach until she had a good grasp of this man's capacities. She would need to get past him, however, to reach her bow. Luckily, the red liquid painting her hand red gave her an idea. She took off, attempting to swerve past him as well as her skrawny neanderthal legs allowed. As she drew close, she squeezed her wound. A loud shout resounded, but she endured. She had a plan, so worth the extra pain. With a handful of blood, she threw her hand. Hopefully, some of her blood would splatter on him. Hopefully, the nuclear poisoning would distract him long enough to reach her ranged weapon.
She was not about to hand his victory out on a silver platter.
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-13-2018, 03:44 PM
Hayate watched closely as he delivered his taunting message to the young girl who appeared to have flown into a fit of rage. She lashed outwards blindly even getting caught up in some derelict vines as she thrashed about for a bit. He wondered if it had anything to do with the cut he gave her on her arm as he dodged her first attack. She seemed like the type to fly off the handle like that after all. But Hayate would have to test it to be certain.
She’s up to something.
Strangely enough Hayate could see her eyes darting past him towards her bow she had carelessly dropped moments earlier. He saw the desperation in her eyes and knew she was about to make her move. Hayate raised his wakasashi once more, gripping it tightly and preparing to attack again. But then something unexpected happened, the girl made her move.
Felicity wasn’t tall, in fact her short arms and legs made her look kind of like a dwarf. But she still moved with great quickness in every step as she attempted to swerve past him. Hayate would let her do that so easily. As he shifted his weight and was about to take off to intercept Felicity he began to feel a strong burning sensation. Felicity flicked her wrist and lobed a handfull of blood at him. The majority of her infected blood landed on the ribs of the Corpse King but a few drops spattered right though landing on the young swordsman’s face.
“Ahhh.†He screamed out as whatever magic fueled this little girl began to eat away at his tender flesh. "What is this?!"
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Yamato began to scream at Hayate telepathically. Now it’s my turn.
It wasn’t often that Yamato insisted on taking center stage but when he did there wasn’t much Hayate could do about it. As the swordsman attempted to wipe away the acidic blood the rib cage around him started to ignite in a vibrant red aura. Even if he wanted to stop Yamato it was too late. Suddenly sinews of ethereal flesh and cartilage appeared and began to encase the Corpse King until a full twenty foot tall ethereal samurai stood in its place.
Though Hayate was safely nestled inside the chest cavity of his Avatar the effects of Felicity’s toxic blood had still taken effect, slowly melting the man’s right cheek away. Thanks to his unique connecting to the Corpse King, its face also started showing signs of the same injury. Both master and spirit worried that the young girl would catch on and exploit their weakness but for the time being they just hoped she wouldn’t turn tail and run.
Don’t go too over board now. Hayate pleaded with Yamato. Though his face stung he wasn’t out of the game yet and wouldn’t let his partner show him up.
I’d done letting you tell he what to do? Yamato screamed at his master. Every time you take the reins I always have to pick up your broken ass pieces. This time we are doing things my way.
It was true that Hayate didn’t much care for his partner’s aggressive attitude towards fighting but it was also true that Yamato has more or less gotten them out of all their sticky situations. For now Hayate resigned and allowed Yamato to control the Corpse King without him impeding the sword spirit’s actions.
Then the giant avatar sprang into action, lobbing fist after fist trying to strike the girl. If any of their attacks would land on a vital spot there would be enough force behind it to kill any man or demon. But something about this little rage child worried Hayate. He worried that if they were to strike her again would she just fly off the rails like before. Regardless he allowed his partner to continue try and squash Felicity.
Flamebird
07-13-2018, 08:36 PM
In satisfaction, Felicity swiped her bow off the floor. A smile bloomed on her face as a bright laugh flowed from her mouth.
Then, she had to turn around.
What was previously a bare rib cage expanded. Marrow attached to the bone, skin sown overtop. Armor shone boldly as it clipped on. The vibrant display of orangish-red coloring gleamed in a magical hum. A fully armored samurai, towering above the short girl, stood ready to poise.
As if on cue, and draft of cold wind faintly flew in from above. As tree leaves started to whisper hushed warnings, Felicity nervously chuckled. “Heh, heh, heh… What did I do?â€
The glowing warrior, with Hayate meditating within it, brought down a mighty fist. Adrenaline burst as she leapt out of the way and ran for it. The collision thundered across the throne room, the noise rumbling in a low explosion as the ground shook. She heard the sturdy ground fracture, the sound of crumbling stone behind. She did not look back. Not for a moment. Felicity barely maintained her balance, racing across the center floor where tall grasses sprouted. An anxious sweat broke out as her thoughts flew.
Think, think, think, kid! Think!
She ran past various plants as the samurai followed, punching another hole in the ground. This time, the collision caused Felicity to fall into a brush. Weeds as tall as trees were collected in the hundreds. Felicity felt her heart pounding as an idea crossed her mind.
She had no idea how this armor worked. She needed to test it from a safe distance, but she would need a good shot. That meant making distance between them. Hayate’s giant knew where she was, but a thicket of gigantic dandelions were just ahead of these weeds. A smirk formed as she hastily crawled into the dandelion patch, a solid kick thumping from behind. Her heart still raced, she pressed on.
Branches tugged at her clothes, leaves itched her skin. Twigs brushed against her still bleeding wound, causing more pain to echo through her body. She had to hold her breath to keep from crying out. Roots wrapped around a limb like chords; she had to untangle them every time. She was strong as iron, durable as stone. With eyes flooded in determination, she quietly pushed on. Still clutching her bow, she inched from one shrubbery to another on all fours, maintaining cover. The moment she had the opportunity, she ducked behind one of the soaring trees, holding onto her bow. She pulled a single arrow from her quiver. She had one shot at this. The girl gritted her teeth as his insulting words echoed in her head. Too many times had people doubted her abilities before. No, she would not take it again. She had something to prove now. Fighting for a personal cause, the girl ripped herself from the safety of her cover. Her bow was pulled back hastily as she aimed for the breastplate with a blind shot. She unleashed the arrow, meaning to test the armor’s limits before she got close and dirty.
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-19-2018, 12:09 PM
It appeared that this girl would be more trouble than she is worth, slipping into a thicket of overgrown weeds and brush she vanished out of sight. But this didn’t even come close to stopping The Corpse King’s rampage. The beast arched its back and let out a deep growl, dust and debris began to rain down gently as the vibrations of the ghostly billowing shook the walls. She may have eluded them for a moment but this fight was far from over. Almost like an uncontrollable beast the red titan began to thrash about wildly, striking at the overhanging vines and masonry trying to find the girl. The Corpse King was strong, enough so that every punch it threw left a wake of rubble and torn greenery as it searched the large dandelions for Felicity.
Hayate remained suspended within the chest cavity of his avatar like a moth in its cocoon. Pain still radiated though his body and Yamato used this to concrete himself as the one calling the shots for now. This was both a blessing and a curse for the young swordsman. On one hand Yamato was strong and would be able to handle himself at the helm of their titan, but on the other Hayate feared that he might not be able to control his monster and couldn’t keep his partner from going too far. Regardless this was the citadel after all and any consequences wouldn’t be too severe.
“Come out,†a dark voice came from The Corpse King, for the first time the beast itself spoke. Yamato channeled his speech though the unearthly visage, a new ability neither of them were aware they possessed. “You didn’t come here to hide did you.â€
You can speak? Hayate telepathically questioned his partner.
Apparently so…
Then the beast ceased its unarmed assault and instead raised its right arm high above its head. With the titan’s palm open another dark red energy began to form within it. The red energy spiraled for a moment before coming together to form a large katana like sword. As the blade formed itself the Corpse King swung it violently around cleanly slicing through a bunch of low hanging branches and vines. But then from out of nowhere The Corpse King was struck in the left shoulder by one of Felicity’s arrows. The shady girl took his advice to heart it would seem, using the element of surprise to her advantage.
Once again the titan let out a deep growl as the arrow head pierced through its impressive defenses and lodged itself about an inch into the avatar. Hayate felt the pain transfer into him and he visually convulsed inside the chest of the beast. If the young girl was paying attention she would most likely by now have identified their weakness, which was something that the pair of them just could not tolerate.
Where did that come from?Yamato growled questioning Hayate.
Straight ahead, Hayate responded, he hadn’t seen where it came from exactly but knew the general direction. Through the brush.
Then as if nothing could slow the beast down the Corpse King made a single horizontal swipe with its blade in an attempt to cleave everything in its path in two at about the height on a man’s knee. If nothing else it would force the girl to move and flush her out. Then they could really have some fun with her.
Flamebird
07-19-2018, 08:58 PM
Scary sword. Very scary sword.
It swung wildly.
Felicity had not cared, just firing the shot. She had hoped to be lucky, but luck did not come. The arrow only managed to pierce the shoulder blade – yet, here laid a blessing in disguise. She noticed how Hayate winced in pain, within the transparent giant. Felicity’s eyes widened as she realized the magic’s mighty weakness.
She only could gape at the newfound discovery for a moment, however. The samurai made his next move. It was a low cut, one which caused Felicity to have to completely drop to the ground. She felt the wind of the swing over her head, she could hear the plants torn apart. The entire tree she stood by was halved by the ethereal blade’s power, immediately falling with the deathly crack of aged wood. As it toppled, Felicity looked up to see the tree falling in her direction. Her heart jumped clear up to her throat. She lept up, racing through the plant debris as she bolted away from the tree. Flying pollen was thick in the air, creating a sort of smog. A cough escaped her as she barely managed to evade the falling oak. As a heavy thud sounded behind her, she realized her fatal move.
Her enemy now noticed her, clear in the open.
Still clenching the bow, the girl only managed a frightened chuckle. A nervous smile, a shy wave, then she turned and bailed. Through the thick, yellow pollen, she ran for her life. As she pulled another arrow from her quiver, the redhead ran like hell was behind her. Blood from her wound painted the ground as she bolted. She knew the samurai’s weakness now. She knew that damage done to the magic skeleton was also done to the warrior. The question only remained of how she was to utilize this weakness. Not here though. As adrenaline shot through her body, her mind swirled as she raced towards the nearest hallway. Maybe the giant could not follow her in there.
Through the long, bladed grass, she turned around once. She took another blind shot in hopes to deter it as she fled to the safety of the shady halls. Her nose running from the strong smelling pollen, she kept going. She had no idea what lie in wait in those chill, gothic halls. The shadows of more black knights perhaps? She had not a clue.
Please, please, please be safe! I need to figure out plan, just-
Right in front of the door she was so close to, a black knight stood in wait. As golden pollen still swirled, the silhouette stood bold and intimidating. Unlike the last one, it was of average height. The bulky build and heavy armor still served to be quite intimidating. The gothic dressed knight raised a steel halberd, ready to strike down.
Felicity skidded to a hasty halt, kicking up dirt from the garden at her feet. She reached for her arming sword. Then, eyes wide, she realized another mistake she had made.
“Oh! Curse my short limbs and small choice in sword type!â€
The heavy pounding of the Corpse King behind her sounded nearer, nearer…
She was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Hayate_Amatsukami
07-22-2018, 10:33 AM
The Corpse King growled angrily as he watched the little red head dive out from the caving brush. The large tree he easily cleaved in two fell slowly catching itself on all the hanging vines before tumbling to the ground with a large thud. As the large trunk of the tree landed it kicked up a rather large and very annoying cloud of pollen that once again Felicity used to hide. So far Hayate was definitely the scariest think in this place but every moment he let Felicity continue to avoid him was one closer to his downfall. It appeared she listened to his words though and wanted desperately to use cover and regain some kind of stealth or something.
Chase her! Hayate commanded his beast. And Yamato obliged as the massive spectral avatar launched itself into a near full sprint fallowing the girl. From before Hayate knew she was heading for the narrow hallways to the left hand side of the room and had to do something to stop her. Having to seal the Corpse King back within his Nodachi would mean trouble for the samurai.
The pollen was thick, almost otherworldly how it hung in the stagnant air, and made a pretty good smokescreen. But it didn't matter, from what Hayate and Yamato could tell there wasn’t anything other than maybe a very precise arrow that could stop them now. Using what little he could remember of the throne room’s layout Hayate and Yamato commanded the Corpse King to stop and wing its mighty blade about stomach lever in another horizontal swipe. He aimed to seal off the hallways and prevent the young girl from using them to her advantage.
“NO MORE HIDING!†the ethereal monster growled.
Just then from the pollen an arrow shot by at great speeds. But Felicity musn't have put much effort into aiming or the pollen was just that thick but the wild shot flew clean past the head of the Corpse King and sored behind them. Hayate smirked knowing that everyone had their limit to what they could handle, and with her on the retreat like this he knew that he had overwhelmed her with his mighty avatar. But things weren’t over yet, his overconfidence has gotten the better of him before. They both felt as the tip of their mighty sword hit the masonry of the wall, cutting deep into it, and dragging itself across its length.
There is nowhere to go now! Hayate thought out loud as he and Yamato waited hear some kind of scream. But that didn’t happen; instead his blade was met with another of the Black Knight that dwelled within this arena.
What the… Yamato thought as pieces of the knight flew apart scattering all around them. Though they had not seen the girl, the walls on the left hand side of the throne room had begun to quake and crumble sealing off those two hallways.
Flamebird
07-30-2018, 09:11 PM
A humongous sword, the giant’s slammed right into the stone above the entryway. Felicity darted away from the impact, yet the ground shook so much so that she fell to the ground, dropping her bow. The deafening boom created by the flying debris muted out everything else. She felt bits and pieces of pebble shower over her, the pitter patter and thudding on stones surrounding. Her stinging cut still splattered against the ground, although the bleeding did reduce. One stone, the size of a fist, slammed right into her head.
“Ow!†She shouted, pulling a hand to her head.
No concussion, she was too sturdy for that. Yet, she still felt the world blur around her. Discombobulated, she tried to get up… just to collapse again. She hazily reached for her sword’s hilt, yet everything swayed and churned as she moaned.
She had forgotten about the black knight, which Hayate had accidently killed off for her.
Her vision still blurred. She saw grey, then meshes of green mixed with other colors. Her sense of smell still picked up on the musty building, the smoke of the stones, and the distant scent of various plants and flowers. She saw one clear thing in front of her. She saw the glowing giant. She felt the magic emitting from its being, Hayate in the center. She was cornered. Behind her was the remains of an entrance she could not hide in anymore, ahead of her was this monster.
She growled, anger building up. Time and energy were wasted on a failed plan. Her head pounded in pain as she continued to feel the world spin. She was at a clear disadvantage. She knew how to stop this thing, yes, but she had no time to come up with a plan.
Bow laying next to her, her ears buzzed as she lifted her head. One idea flashed before her, but would it work? She clenched her hilt, biting her lip. It had too!
She yanked the sword, pulling it out of its sheath. It was coated in her own blood, like her wounded arm. Through slitted eyes, she buried the pain as she resorted to one last tactic. She stood to her feet, barely, and lifted the sword high in the air. With the intensity of a raging fire, she shouted.
“You disappoint me!†She screamed, “I came here looking for a fair fight on equal grounds and you hide behind that walking talking giant armor.â€
She looked towards the ground, spitting, “Disgusting!â€
She looked up, fists tightened as she hoped her own pathetic performance was not to be called out on, "What are you, weak? Are you serious? How is this fair?"
She roared, exclaiming the challenge, “Come down from your petty little throne and fight me like a man! Fight me with honor!â€
Hayate_Amatsukami
08-21-2018, 06:57 PM
Everything was more or less a blur at this point and despite his better judgement and strategic mind Hayate could truly feel what his opponent was feeling. Even though she had more or less blinded the samurai he had all but claimed victory at this point. He had pushed his adversary into a corner and like a caged beast she bared her teeth and lashed out like a woman scorned. She taunted him, proclaiming his way of fighting was without honor and despicable, all foul words that proved he had pushed her as far as she could go. Hayate smirked as she groveled beneath him like an alpha wolf putting their beta in place.
Don’t fall for her little tricks, Yamato pleaded with his master. I have her on the ropes.
You heard her yourself, Hayate telepathically answered his partner. We have already won the fight, but now it’s time to show our honor.
“Fine,†He said as the massive titan around him began to shrink and dissipate. The magics that held the Corpse King to this world began to dispel but Hayate wouldn’t let things get to simple for the little girl. He wore the left arm of the Corpse King like armor and still clutched their mighty sword, though they had shrunk to match the samurai in stature. “You want a fair fight, then show me what you are made of!â€
You’re an idiot… Yamato added as he drifted back into Hayate’s subconscious.
Quickly Hayate drew his wakazashi with his right hand, spinning it briefly in his palm before rearing back and throwing it at the outline of the girl. It sliced through the pollen as it soared through the air giving him an opportunity to strike. Hayate launched himself forward into a full sprint and as he neared Felicity he brought his ethereal weapon high above his head and slashed diagonally across what he thought should be her torso. It would be a killing blow if it met its mark.
“How about now girl?†he yelled. “You better not be the one to disappoint me.â€
Flamebird
08-24-2018, 08:57 PM
Through the pollen, Felicity had to squint as she watched the glowing giant shrink. Using one of the arms as a substitute for his nonexistent one, Hayate obliged to her demands.
Wow, that actually worked.
The victory party for this was about to be cancelled, however. Through the yellow smog, a short blade flew towards her. Her head still seemed to spin. Her parry was completely off, her blade swiping against thin air. The Akashiman blade left a small puncture wound in the area between her chest and left shoulder. Thankfully, the momentum was not that huge, but blood still slid down her frame. Her eyes were silted with venom as the fresh strength and dangerous anger overtook her, numbing the pain. As a flash of silver light shone through the stuffy pollen, she raised her delyn sword. As the aura of her radiation poisoning unraveled around her, the *shling* of two swords meeting echoed across these lonely walls.
As the pollen began to clear, they stood. Blades locked. Her teeth were gritted as he warned her not to disappoint him. In a surge of rage with no source, she pushed him off, screaming, “Yeah right!â€
Her swings were not necessarily crude or undisciplined. She was trained and lethal, yet the magic induced vexation did do something to her psyche. Her posture was tighter and more spontaneous; her swings shaped from training and discipline, yet deranged and randomized. For a short moment, she took full offense. She aimed for him, but with no tactics. She showed practiced skill, but no coordination. Then she came to…
Her red with rage eyes could not exactly catch the damage she had done – or if she did any damage at all – yet, her magic ran out. She took a step or so back, wincing at not only the sharp sting in her new wound, but the aching throbbing within her underarm, plus the mild ringing in her head. She winced, sword kept in a defensive posture. I found out his magic's weakness, will he find out mine?
…
I hope not.
Taking a more neutral fighting stance, she recollected her surroundings. The sky above, peaking from the broken roof, was starting to dim. Grey clouds were beginning to form. She was just at the edge of the massive patch of plants. The pollen had died down, her opponent visible and very much alive. The low rumble of thunder, a growl from the cloud’s deep throat, vibrated across the landscape as the battle continued.
Felicity gritted her teeth, another form of anger swelling in her chest. Call me a disappointment, will you? So many called me that before, but you’ll learn your lesson!
This was a fight for proof. Proof of her value. Here she was, judging her self-worth by whether or not she won this match. It was dangerous, more dangerous than any magic or weapon in this courtyard. It was a lethal game, basing one’s worth off their skills and abilities rather than who they were. Taking long steps through the tall grass, the sound of crushing plants sounded as she raised her sword in a wrath guard. Now more cautious, with her emotions channeled into the refining and discipline of her sword, she made her second furious flurry of attacks.
This time, however, she had a plan.
As the clouds gathered in the sky, causing shadows to shift across the dim room, her eyes were glazed with a thinly veiled darkness. She aimed her blade for his throat, eyes locked on it, then swiftly stopped the blade. It was a feint. She sharply changed course, green eyes not giving away her true target: his chest.
A single rain drop fell on the petal of a blue flower. Would blood fall too?
Hayate_Amatsukami
08-25-2018, 01:18 PM
Sometimes it was more important to cultivate the future rather than be fixated on the present.
I can’t believe you did it again… I had her backed into a corner and just give it to her.
The lone Amatsukami’s attack had been parried rather easily, as was to be expected at this point. Hayate and Felicity had been fighting for a little over twenty minutes thus far his multiple wounds had begun to take their toll. He tried in earnest to respond to the young red head’s flurry of vicious sword swipes to but to avail. Hayate couldn’t even see them much less be able to avoid them and as he resigned himself to his fate he felt the cold metal of her blade cut into him as she barreled forward putting the samurai on the defensive.
He shuffled backwards through the knee-high grass stumbling over his clumsy feet trying as best he could to avoid taking a fatal blow. But to his dismay Felicity had blanked out once more and in the trauma her sword slashes tore into his flesh sending blood and viscera flying in crescent arcs all around. He felt her blade fillet the upper portion of his right shoulder staining his tunic crimson and causing a deep red puddle to trail behind him as she continued to deliver her devastating volley of attacks.
Haven’t you learned yet? It’s not about winning or losing, all that matters is that we as warriors understand and respect one another.
In the midst of their brawl every time Hayate and Felicity exchanged attacks he knew what she was feeling. He too knew what it was like to doubt yourself and fear your best could never be enough. The last of his clan Hayate knew all too well the consequences, the fears that were coursing through the young red head’s mind. Though he had his own baggage, that wasn’t nearly as important as letting this girl prove to herself she could do it.
As she broke off her assault Hayate, battered and bloody, stood about five to ten paces from Felicity. He knew that this would happen the moment he dispelled the Corpse King. He wondered if she too understood what he had done for her, what he gave up in order to facilitate what was sure to be morale booster for her. But he didn’t really mind if she ever knew exactly what happened here, all that mattered was that he and this woman met here today. And that one day in the future they would have a true rematch with fair standings.
“Do it!†Hayate screamed as he relinquished control over the Corpse King and the arm he was using as a prosthetic and his blade vanished into nothingness. What was left was the shell of a man, bloody and beaten, ready to suffer the consequences of his actions. From what he could tell Felicity wasn’t about extend to him any courtesies that he had done to her and leapt into action.
In the end I have no regrets.
Hayate let out a deep breath and grunted as he felt a sharp stinging from his chest. He never even saw it coming, her blade coated in her own fell blood stuck out of his chest where his heart should have been and sent geysers of blood multiple feet into the air. As she jerked around his wound soaked everything and everyone around him until he fell to his knees and the flow of blood lessened. The world was beginning to fade more now from blood loss than it was earlier. Admittedly there wasn’t a huge difference and as he fought to stay awake he lifted his face to try and see the girl one last time.
“Never forget what you feel right now…†He coughed as the rain fell through the cracks in the ceiling pooling up on his face. “I don’t want to hear that you’ve died anytime soon.â€
And with that Hayate’s face met the cobblestone and he had been defeated.
Flamebird
08-29-2018, 07:50 PM
Rain poured down, so did his blood. His life force ebbed away as he spoke those final words, then passed.
Felicity had won.
Thunder roared in the sky, distant yet loud. A flash of lightning lit up the cold, wet arena for a split second. Then, the overwhelming clouds darkened the atmosphere again. The plants relished in the heavy downpour, some even sprouting bigger, taller by the second. Across the ground, cracked stone and dirt, the mixed blood of both opponents trickled away. Felicity was on her knees, watching the body. Shivering, she hardly noticed how her wounds stung when touched by the water. Her hair and clothes were soaked, yet, it did not matter.
She won.
Her sword was cast to the side, splotched in his blood. The rain was making quick work of the stained metal, washing it clean. As the sound of rain pounding against the ground boomed, she had to force herself to remember that this was the Citadel. It was not real. Yet…
She did win. She won. At what cost, however, was this victory?
â€Never forget what you feel right now…â€
Did she feel victory? Satisfaction? She had proven she was a powerful fighter, capable of beating whatever odds were stacked against her. The Citadel had no permanent consequences for physical wounds or even death; the monks made sure of that. The clamoring memories of people mocking her, spitting at her, screaming, that her swordsmanship was no good silenced. Yet, why did she not feel happy? The powerful rain and roaring thunder fell on deaf ears. She shook, but not from the cold. This was the Citadel, she knew this death was not real. Yet, she could not get the lifeless form out of her mind. She had proven her adversaries wrong, proved their words were fruitless. So why- …
How did she feel?
She should feel proud, happy, triumphant. Instead… her heart was chilled like ice. Dead, unmoved. Nothing had changed. She still felt the weight of all those words slashing her chest. Yet, crystals of frost coated the cuts, preventing them from bleeding anymore. She somehow was not hurt anymore. At the same time, though, it hurt more than ever. Something was wrong.
Her heart was frozen cold.
Why?
The overwhelming floodwaters of rain, boisterous thunder, deafened her lonely scream.
Philomel
11-01-2018, 04:11 PM
Name of Thread: These Lonely Walls
Plot: 8 / 7
Story:
Flamebird – You build the story well in terms of tension, flowing from climbing the wall into the castle, to finding the sentinel and Hayate and into the fight itself. Each part is reacted to well, and adds character as well as plot. Thinking of things such as getting the blood possibly on Hayate is also clever, and adding it gives an extra layer of ingenious to the story.
Hayate – The addition of the sentinel added an extra layer of introduction to the story itself, and provided a good way to have your characters come together. This was written with enthusiasm which shows through your writing itself. Overall there is room for improvement in building up your tension in different ways, but you have strength in imagination.
Both: For you both the story of the thread is extremely strong, and you write a significant story together, that is focused towards the end. The conversation here through both action and communication adds to your characters significantly. Both of you write off from one another here well and build a plot together. The change of plot, from Felicity beign almost defeated to then it being Hayate was unexpected but a good twist, that has added to your score.
Setting: 8 / 7
Flamebird - In your opening post you give a clear indication that the setting is within the Citadel, and the general scenery of what your arena is. It is laid out very clearly, with particular measurements in place. There is effort here to make the setting interesting in itself, with description of getting into the castle itself. You also use some of the setting in aid of your plot itself, in particular post 9, where you mention the strong cracking, which helps to keep the idea of the area alive. You use this continuously into the end of the thread, strong and powerfully.
Hayate – You have some setting mentioned at the start, and it is kept up to flow some way into the piece, with the sentinel part of the setting itself, and this addition is really effective to adding to it. It would be good to keeping some more setting deeper into the story itself, going from this point, although it is focused on later towards the end, from post 12.
Pace: 7 / 6
Flamebird – Pacing is steady and effortless for you, keeping at a consistency with some short and long paragraphs that build tension to some extent. Overall, however you keep it to an equal level, and it is an area where you have strength. There is little to be added to here as you have good pacing as a skill, however there could have been some more rises and falls.
Hayate – For you pacing is a thing that you keep steady, and follow Felicity well. It is good and steady, with some rise and fall. What would be a way to improve from here is to start working on your sentence structure and paragraph sizes, which you have some hold on already, to build tension when you desire.
Character:
Communication: 8 / 7
Flamebird – There is a casual tone from Flamebird from the outset in her conversation with Hayate which offers some insight into her personality and state of mind. You do not use much communication for the meat of the fight, and this could be something to thing about adding to, however the focus that you have for the battle is on action and this does work well. Towards the end of the thread a form of personality is shared with some focus on her four sentences in post 13, that leads to the final foray, and demand to be faced, showing her spunk.
Hayate – What you have developed really well is the rhetoric between Hayate and Yamato, which has been worked on over time through your threads, giving a consistency and development to all of your stories. This communication, with the wisdom of Yamato and the warrior-like spirit of Hayate works exceptionally well, and shows their relationship (post 8 in particular). His tone outwardly is rather formal and carries a sense of honour for his character. In this spirit there is a little bit of confusion. One way to improve here could be to determine more significantly the 'voice' of your character.
Action: 8 / 8
Flamebird – With Fel’s actions you very clearly show her “carrying a moral code†as you described it. Small as well as large actions are engaged and used to your advantage here, from simple descriptions of “carefully observing†(post 3) the “scene†to the larger plot-assisting strikes. From post 5 you also describe these beautifully, with some precise words and allow for the other party to be able to make the decision whether or not to take the hits. Even in pain, and near defeat, also, with Felicity, you continue the thread, and keep the tension up. There is cleverness in Flamebird’s actions also, with the finding of Hayate’s weaknesses.
Hayate – You write action well, adding things to plot. You also take hits well, with the toxic blood, adding reality to your writing. One improvement is that you write that Hayate/Yamato is “trying†to hit, where in a previous thread you have bunnied this to some extent. This is a great thing to see. It is good to see how action also can help with tone of the piece and pacing. From where to improve here it could be good to see how you can show more personality through your actions.
Both: One thing that you do well together is reflect off one another's actions, and this helps improve your writing together. The reason why score here is not as high is because there was a great focus on action itself, whereas an effective combat thread is one that balances this with communication, develops plot and has a good pacing.
Persona: 7 / 7
Flamebird – Persona was particularly strong for Felicity with her thoughts and reaction to seeing Hayate fight the sentinel: “that’s my fight!†This shows her strong and wilful personality well. She also has a great reaction to Hayate himself, saying “he is super proper†with post 5. You further develop this with realisations of mistakes, and writing the piece from the mind of Flamebird, which helps effectively for the reader to understand her. This flows through internal though as well as writing in the piece itself, and though this can be improved on by developing the idea more, it is already very powerful.
Hayate – Where you have interior thoughts, these are also coupled with conversation with Yamato, and so persona is a mixture for you of both expression of self and communication. You marry these two well. His reaction to Flamebird is fitting, when he sees it as a “fit of rage†and you describe her actions as “lashed outwards blindly," and other reactions in the piece add to his personality and the reader's understanding of such. It would be good from here to see it threaded through the writing itself more, and this could be an area for which to expand.
Writing:
Mechanics: 9 / 6
Flamebird – What is clear is that you have made an effort to use mechanics to your advantage, and edit as you go. There is little to no mistakes, and there is the use of advanced punctuation to suit your piece, using it for pacing and for plot building (post one, use of ';' and '…').
Hayate – Spelling is mostly altogether there and you have a firm use of vocabulary and mostly correct punctuation. There are a couple of missing letters (post 1, “a number of meter†where it should be plural), another can be found in post 6 with “ill†where it should be “I’ll,†and there are a couple of spaces issues. This can jar and effect your writing, and can be helped with a read through before you post. If you have a look at Flamebird’s posts where she uses more advanced punctuation, then you can gain an idea of where to improve in this area.
Clarity: 9 / 8
Flamebird – Mostly there was no need to read back at all for your piece and what you explained was plain and provided an easy read. You make point to explain that Fel’s clothes are special to her and so cannot be destroyed by her own powers, which is great to see. Clarity is not an issue in terms of understanding what is going on, and you have direct way of speaking.
Hayate – From the outset you have clarity of where you are heading in terms of plot, and what Hayate’s intention’s are. You write in an obvious manner, showing what hits are intended for where. Some larger description could be used to expand on Yamato as an appearance more, to give more of an idea of what he looks like at different times. Clarity can be given in a good explanation for the relationship between your character and the spirit within him, however, and this adds to your score.
Technique: 8 / 7
Flamebird – You have a good hold of word choice throughout, using some more expanded vocabulary than seen in your previous thread and you have some gorgeous description: “red liquid painting her hand red†in post 7. You also use sentence structure fantastically well, to build up tension with some short, simple sentences, followed by complex ones. You use some alliteration, which helps and personification. Keep it up with adding more like this and you will only improve your writing.
Hayate – What is clear is your enthusiasm for the story and this is shown in your writing. It is clear that you have a grasp of technical language and are expanding on your vocabulary, with use of words such as, “titan†in post 10. There is a mixture of tones around Hayate in your narrative voice that are casual (post 4, “what have youâ€) as well as a formal one, and it would be good to gain some decision over which direction you which to carry with this part of writing and technique. Keep building on your vocabulary and using literary techniques.
Wildcard: 6 / 6
Tone of the thread – for both of you the tone of the thread, with its narrative voice, has highs and lows. It has some effective parts, with a strong serious edge that is humorous at points and gets more terrifying towards the end. You write this well together and keep up with each other’s change of tone.
Final Scores:
Flamebird: 78
Hayate: 69
Rewards to follow shortly.
Philomel
11-01-2018, 04:18 PM
Rewards:
Flamebird receives:
2190 EXP
150 Gold
Hayate receives:
525 EXP
120 Gold
Each also receives an extra 300 gold from me direct for it taking so long for this judgement.
“The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.â€
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.