Workshop: Tales of Amra

[Philomel]

Name of Completed Thread: Tales of Amra (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?310-Tales-of-Amra-The-Gates-of-Bardin)
Name of Authors: Revenant
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 14 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: October 8th, 2017

Critique Guidelines:

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4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Revenant]

Thanks everyone. I started this on the old forum early in the year. The idea was to just have something short written every day to keep me going and, well, that failed spectacularly. I have a bunch of lore thought up from William's homeland of Amra and thought this would be a good way to flex the creative muscles and get some of the stories out. It's dumb and rough, I know.

Thank you anyways for reviews!

[jdd2035]

All right rev lets do this!

This thread reminds me heavily of the princess bride. The move not the book where the story is being told to Fred Savage with the main main characters being fictitious and the "real" people are secondary or just an audience to the story. I like that technique I don't know what its called but I like it. It draws the reader in and makes the main character a proxy for the reader. I think its fantastic, you use your character to ask questions that the reader may ask.

If I had a complaint and if you've read any of my other Workshops you know that I don't have many! Is that a few of your posts are short. I'm not saying that every post needs a wall of words hell that's a worse circumstance than posts that are too short. I feel a little hypocritical for saying this but I've gotta complain about something right? Any way some of your posts could really have been combined into a comfortable lump of words.

I love lore and this thread is nothing but lore. Are you going to submit it as a wiki thing later on? At any rate it is a very good thread. I can't find any thing wrong with your grammar, your dialogue is great and I don't see any problems with the prose. Good job!

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

This was an interesting take on William's history and I found myself wondering the whole time if this would cut to present day at any point, even for a single post. The way this story read to me was almost like an extra long trailer where right when he speaks the binding words, the camera pans to his eyes, there's a reflection in them, and then it merges into present time and pans away and it's William's adult eyes, and he's on his way to the place in the story. It would have been an epic intro into a terrific saga. The setting was interesting because you were in two places at once, being the events of the story and the events of the storytelling. I had a pretty good idea of both but I am starting to think I'm just bad at filling in the gaps. The only real complaint I have for pacing was the jump you did from workshop storytelling to post-dinnertime. I find myself wondering if you'd have been better suited having Gerard tell the story in one sitting, even if they changed location at one point to walk to dinner rather than post-dinner.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

It is interesting to think about your character as a little boy, because though I haven't read much of your work, the way I envision Arcus is kind of like that scene in V for Vendetta where this molten man is standing in flames and screams in agony and fury. So to take that back to curious little boy working in a woodshop makes me want to see more of the bridge from A to B so to speak. It creates an interesting contrast of character, and though I got a good idea of all the characters (though the mom was barely present) I had to also wonder how much of your personal life crept into this, as I THINK you're a father. This kind of made me sad because I lack the experience or context to write something like this with the nuances of real life.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

I'm inclined to think that Elder Evil should be capitalized. I also think Thirteen in many cases should have been. And ironically, there was only one case in 71 that you didn't properly capitalize Old Masters (post 10). The only other instances where mechanics started to slip that I noticed was in post 14, which I wonder if it was just you trying to get things out the door.


Wildcard

This was an interesting take, and I would have loved to see if this little storytelling had transitioned into an adventure in adult William's life to hunt down the last Old Master, or to find the Elder Evil, or hunt down Bardin, or something along those lines. There was some interesting history here and finding out whether any of it is actually true would have been engaging, like an Uncharted game installment, as legends often hold some truth. Well done overall though. A clean read.

[Atzar]

Post 1

A very minor nitpick: “He stood over his latest project with his arms outstretched, an intricately carved oak mantle held in taut suspension over an equally intricate set piece.” I would recommend reorganizing the first clause so that ‘latest project’ is the last part and is directly followed by the clause that describes it. This is a quibble, but it helps with clarity.

Post 2

“William blurted, interrupting immediately.” Redundant; toss the bit after the comma.

“Their light and laughter causing the soil to burst forth with life and the waters to run icy cold, pure and sweet.” Caused

“And living beneath the spirits beneficial arms were the first people of the land.” A nitpick, but I’d take ‘benevolent’ over ‘beneficial’. I think of beneficial as a word to describe the vitamins that I take, not a spirit that watches over me.

“And like the spirits of then and now the first people were a far cry from the people of today.” Comma after now

” William shook his head in the negative, still unwilling to speak lest he lose the rest of the story.” ‘in the negative’ is redundant.

This is very well-written thus far. I’m enjoying the relationship William and Gerard share; this feels like a relatable father-son moment.

Post 3

I tend to agree with SirArtemis that Elder Evil should be capitalized.

“The spirits were no longer the carefree generous beings that they had been, the elder evil’s presence had changed them.” Comma should be a semicolon.

Post 5

“The sun, in its slow march toward the evening horizon, was just now reaching behind the tops of the trees.” A minor thing here – you can change ‘was just now reaching’ to ‘now reached’ for more active, concise language.

Post 6

“They felt the cold numbness pulling at the very core of their presence threatening to consume them in a way that would go deeper even than the destruction of their souls.” Comma after ‘presence’

I’m going to slow down on grammatical notes unless I find something glaring. At this point, I’ve seen enough to know that your mechanics are sound and most errors are one-time things. The only recurring fault that I find is that you have some run-on sentences. Usually solvable with an appropriately-placed comma.

Post 8

While the “William is growing up” bit is repeated – you mention it in post 7, then again in post 8 with very similar language – you’re portraying it well. I enjoy William’s interjections as he reconciles the “father’s word is law” mindset with his budding ability to think for himself.

Post 13

Looks like you’re rushing now, trying to finish the thread. Forging on with the tale; none of the little snippets of dialogue that were giving the story life.




The interaction between William and Gerald was the clear highlight of this story. The tale about Amra itself reminded me of many ancient stories about the origins of the earth, with naive/flawed progenitors and gods and cataclysmic events that shaped the land into what it is today. And by itself, it felt formulaic but generally well-told. But the relatable father-son dynamic gave the story a life and familiarity that made for an easy, pleasant read.

One of my only gripes was the pacing. The story went by quickly, especially in the home stretch where it looked like you saw the finish line and broke into a sprint. Perhaps you could have fleshed out this last bit by spending some more time on Shar – her relationship with William and Gerald, as well as an explanation for her distaste of the tale.

Mechanically, you’re a strong writer, with the only recurring error being the run-on sentences that I addressed in my note on Post 6. Everything else is either a one-off slip or a nitpick.

A fun read overall. Good job!

[Philomel]

Last couple of days to add your commentary!

[Philomel]

This thread is now closed for judging and will be dealt with asap.

[Philomel]

Name of Thread: Workshop: Tales Amra (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?314-Workshop-Tales-of-Amra)

Workshop rewards

Jdd (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?13-jdd2035) receives:
760 EXP
30 GP
2 AP

Sir Artemis (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?12-SirArtemis) receives:
1050 EXP
30 GP
4 AP

Atzar (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?103-Atzar) recieves:
665 EXP
30 GP
3 AP

[Philomel]

All rewards have been added.