Fallout: Nuclear Rage

[Closed to Shinsou.]

https://data.whicdn.com/images/31897...g?t=1536294947

~~~

This was the second battle Felicity entered in the Citadel today.

Today was becoming rather entertaining.

Within an arena once again, Felicity stepped on... glass.

Perfect, reflecting glass.

It was sturdy too. Unlikely to break unless under enormous pressure. Just to test it out, Felicity raised her powerful leg and brought her foot smashing down. Only an echo sounded across the dark room.

"Nice." Felicity looked up. She was starting to adjust to the darkened light. Felicity was usually used to a wide array of sensory input in the Citadel. Yet she could smell and taste nothing. The room felt too empty. She watched as the walls began to come into view. Mirror upon mirror was hung across the rounded walls. They were all long and rectangular with simplistic frames. The walls were a mild grey.

A fleet of stairs stood at the opposite end from the doorway. Walking forward, Felicity noticed that the round staircases were also made of glass. They led up to a second floor where more mirrors were hung. The only difference on that floor, from what she could see, was that the mirrors there were oval. There were no guardrails at the edges, meaning anyone could just fall off if they were not too careful.

Looking up, she saw that with every floor, the room grew shorter. At the very top of the room was the only complex looking object in the room: a fanciful chandelier.

"Well, it beats how depressing Corone looks right now." Felicity's footsteps echoed across the empty room as she drew closer to the stairs. She walked past row upon row of mirrors, seeing her reflection in every one. Stalky, built body; red hair; green eyes. A sword and dirk at her hips, two bows hung on her back. In a pouch she also carried a metal blue bird. She wore a white shirt and brown pants today, nothing fancy. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

Of course, cosmetics were not important. If she reached a higher vantage point before her opponent got here, she could use her bows! Right when she placed her boot on the first step and pulled her war bow out, however -

-the door behind her opened.

Too late.

She was hit with a feeling of weight and atmosphere. Her magic affinity flared as she froze. Whoever just walked into this room... was a legend... Slowly, Felicity turned as the opponent's footsteps echoed across the room. Who was she fighting now?

Night had cast its blanket over Corone, and the biting wind howled around the crags of the Citadel walls like a caged beast, battering its endless stream of patrons in the courtyard. The Telgradian, who had travelled from Whitevale to train once more within the bastion’s halls, stood atop a nearby mound that overlooked the ancient gladiatorial complex. Succumbing to a sudden and inexplicable curiosity, he closed his eyes and reached out with his senses. Suddenly, the sheet of darkness that had previously been populated with tiny specs of light burst into colour before him; each illuminating flicker jagged and bare, but unique. The weaker, blue translucent lights signified the spirits of an average denizen; nothing particularly impressive or threatening. Like the falling of the cold rains, a sheet of these blue lights moved in tandem across the courtyard; a thousand lost droplets destined to be consumed by the earth. The denser, pulsating ruby lights that accentuated the sea of blue told Shinsou Vaan Osiris how the ‘specials’ of Althanas numbered that night. They were few and far between; one for every twenty or thirty blue lights, and were usually ones to be wary of. Numbering in those he had met with “red” energy were Joshua Cronen, Philomel van der Aart, Storm Veritas and John Cromwell, all dangerous and powerful warriors, so the Telgradian knew well the kind of standard that was to be expected by those types.

It was then he saw it, within the narrow keep of the Citadel. A green light, shimmering brightly as it moved across the courtyard, before disappearing entirely from view as it passed through the magnificently ornate gates.

What the hell was that?

Shinsou glared madly at the illuminescent scene before him, trying to see if the light would re-appear. He had never seen a green light before when he was using his spirit sense. What did it represent?

It wasn’t long before the curious Telgradian had stalked the light to a doorway within the famous labyrinthine intestines of Radasanth’s greatest building. From the shadows of the small, private chamber, comprised of bare stone and simple wooden furniture next to a portal as always, stepped one of the Ai’Brone. He was a human man, his face drawn into a smile that was accentuated by the scars on his cheeks. Silently, he looked to Shinsou as the Telgradian uncurled a finger and raised it towards the portal.

"Who is in there?” Shinsou demanded to know.

"Felicity Rhyolite" The monk with the scars spoke, in a soft voice. “It’s an open challenge.”

"Is it, now?” Shinsou’s curiosity was starting to get the better of him. He’d never heard of Felicity Rhyolite, nor ever sensed anyone with a green aura before. It could have been an anomaly, but Shinsou didn’t believe in co-incidences and wasn’t about to start now. He kicked hard at the bottom of Enpera’s sheath, sending it arcing up into his right hand in one deft movement. The monk glanced at the renown spellsword, and his golden eyes blinked back at him.

“Let’s see what this is all about, then.”

***

Shinsou’s first footfall pressed gently onto a shimmering surface, so much so that only his entrance from the Citadel betrayed his arrival into the arena. The ambience of the void took some time to adjust to, but eventually his eyes adjusted to what seemed to be an expanse of mirror like platforms. The room, if it could be called that, seemed somewhat devoid of life, save for the green aura that flared somewhere ahead of him. The walls seemed curved; plated with the same thick, reflective glass that comprised the floor beneath his bootsole.

As the door snapped shut behind him, the clicking of the Telgradian's heels signalled his movement to the center of the giant polished room. They fell silent as his eyes finally fell upon Felicity Rhyolite.

His stoicism, for a moment, was shaken and the Telgradian's expression twisted into a surprised frown. His opponent seemed to be a red headed child. The natural light wasn't fantastic but Shinsou could make out small details; her weapons, including a bow, and an unusual dress sense that seemed to hail from a culture closer to Dhethean than Corone.

Okay. Natural assumption here is that this isn't an ordinary kid; this "Felicity" is armed with hunting equipment and dresses in some sort of tribal attire. Goes without saying she'll be seasoned. Senses aren't telling me anything useful about her magic power though...stay on guard.

Always one for polite introductions, and mindful of not wanting to be the first person in the room to show his hand, Shinsou nodded in acknowledgement to the girl. One hand remained concealed beneath his coat, gently resting on Enpera's green corded hilt.

"So you're Felicity Rhyolite? My name is Shinsou Vaan Osiris," The Telgradian gestured to the shimmering surroundings, "Was the hall of mirrors your idea? Seems like you're risking a lot of bad luck here..."

Shinsou's magical signature continued to buffet Felicity for a moment until she grew used to the rays of power. This man seemed quite handsome, yet older than he appeared. He had unnatural, gold eyes which shone like bright amber. His hair was cut short. The white outfit he wore seemed quite stylish, yet simple at the same time. He had a diversity of swords at his disposal, including a bizarre katana in his hand which carried a magical presence of its own. Felicity knew, she absolutely knew, she needed to be wary of this man. She put her war bow away and pulled her ulder recurve bow from her back.

With battle strategies already forming in her mind, she had to remind herself to act in a friendly manner towards the man who showed enough decency to make a proper introduction.

"Nice to meet you, Shinsou." Her grip on her bow loosened as she offered a curtsy. "I'm Felicity Rhy-" she stopped, then a giggle escaped her lips. "Wait, you already know my name!"

Her hand, still gripping two arrows, was brought up to her mouth as she laughed. Yet, the strange room and the heavy, magical auras reminded her of where she was and what they were doing.

He lowered her arm, looking around the room once again. The hall of mirrors seemed to indeed reference bad luck. Yet, with the energy coursing through her veins, Felicity had more luck than anybody in here. A sense of optimism rose as she smirked. No way she was going to give away her powers, not yet, but the potentially sharp objects in here were the fuses to her internal bomb. Yes, this man was powerful, but she had a couple of surprises of her own.

"Bad luck?" She shrugged, then placed an arrow within her bow's string. She did not pull back, looking up at Shinsou. "Nah. This is the best luck I've ever had in this place."

Okay, Her internal thoughts continued to work up a plan. Keep at a distance. Watch how he reacts to the arrows. He obviously prefers melee range based on his choice of weapons. Just keep your distance 'til you get a feel for him.

She stepped to the bottom floor, footsteps echoing once again. Her body slipped into the archer's ready stance. As the reflections of the two individuals lit up the vacant room, the ragechild's face grew more somber and serious. "When you're ready."

Once he gave the signal, she would immediately snap her arm back, slipping into the position which would allow her ease in loosing the arrows on this man. Her recurve bow was made of mighty, flexible wood. With her raw strength, Felicity could unleash powerful fire upon her targets. She could shoot rather rapidly, the second arrows ready to take the first's place in the bow as soon as the first was shot. Felicity was not as good with a bow as she was with a sword, but this was the safest option. She was wary of this Shinsou. She needed to practice caution. Nonetheless, even if she missed her targets, her arrows would likely shatter the closest mirror. Indeed, even a simple glass cut on this man could give her some of the information she needed to fight him. Upon his signal to start, or whatever move he would make, she would be more than ready.

When I’m ready?

She was everything that Shinsou Vaan Osiris had not expected.

Behind his stoic expression glowed amusement, albeit kindly intended amusement, as the anticipated attack failed to materialise and instead the redheaded youth gave way. As the Telgradian looked at the shimmering glass chambers spread before him, he wondered how many of the people he had faced here had actually been eager to allow him this kind of time.

Surely, it couldn’t have been more than a handful, because those that had been in the Citadel with Shinsou Vaan Osiris knew that to give him such respite risked inviting a quick death. It would come, perhaps, from a pulsating kaleidoscope of dark lances from above or, worse, a release of the arcane power in his sword; power that would surge like adrenaline at his every whim. There were few people who had truly felt the full force of Enpera’s unsealed power; immutable and destructive in the face of all comers, but those who knew what lay beneath certainly did not entertain the idea of giving Shinsou a window of opportunity to coax it out.

Whatever the established precedent, there was no arrogance or undue surety in the girl’s words as the redhead’s aura flared brighter and more focused than his. The spell-sword decided to find courtesy within her decision to allow him the first move, instead of the sheer naivety he momentarily suspected was responsibile.

Who said the youth of today weren’t polite, eh? Shinsou mused to himself, Well, seeing as we’re holding the door open for each other here, let’s start off slow. How good are you without that bow?

Alongside him, accompanying his thoughts, a jet black vine of dark matter crawled out from his feet, stretching and snaking with tempestuous hunger across the polished floor. It throbbed for a moment, almost as if alive, waiting for Shinsou to bend its will. Usually, this ability was used incognito; a silent thing used to surprise or ambush a clumsy or inattentive opponent. Here, though, where every surface betrayed the art of subterfuge, it would be put to a more crude use.

The Telgradian stepped forth, his two echoing footfalls upon the glass floor disguising an incantation.

The dark tendril snapped through the darkness, leaving behind a dazzling and disorienting afterimage which disappeared almost as soon as it had manifested. He took care to avoid harming the foreign girl, but instead directed the hazy black limb towards her bow. The spell wrought havoc on the optics of the room; the jet flash reflected many times into the highly reflective vaults and polished recessed alcoves as a dackdraft wafted through the limp strands of his hair, but its true intent was to coil around the shaft of the bow and cast it into the oblivion below their shimmering arena. An onlooker may have questioned the non-lethal intent; this was the Citadel, after all, but Shinsou knew that to truly learn about someone, one needed only to apply time and pressure. It was how all things were formed, from the creation of basic elements to the complexities of a living person.

It would be unbearable for the Telgradian to have seen Felicity’s green aura and not understand it, and by the same measure agonizing to not be able to fathom the depths of her abilities. Without her bow, Shinsou guessed he would probably see her at her most vulnerable, and that always got results.

The mirrors reflected a stretch of shadow with a powerful aura. The black. oozy matter was a slave to its owner's will. It was coiled like a rope, but formless and faceless in design. Felicity was a bit stunned by the feelings it gave her sense of magic. Thus, with her eyes on something else, she missed her target. The arrow she released absentmindedly flew right past Shinsou, breaking one of the many mirrors of the room. As glass flew behind Shinsou, too far away to hurt him, he picked his own move. The shadow magic throbbed, then Shinsou ordered it towards its target. The strange afterimages and her own blaring magic sense were all overwhelming. Felicity was frozen in place as she watched this thing slip closer. It slithered towards her, then struck like a viper. Felicity almost jumped when the tendrils wrapped around her bow. "Egh!"

As Shinsou stood there, menacingly, Felicity's instincts told her to bail. She finally snapped into action. She let go of the bow and darted away from the line of magic stretching from the man's being. The bow was flung away, like a pitcher casting a ball in a game. She narrowed her eyes. Smart. Disarming me. A small smile formed on her face as the echoes of her footsteps stopped. She eyed him, his sword, and pulled out her own sword. Luckily, I have more options than a bow!

Testing the waters was obviously out of the picture. Shinsou was intelligent enough to take care of that. As the bow was taken care of and landed on the ground with an echo, Felicity darted forth. The smooth floor was tad bit slippery, but handled well thanks to Felicity's notched boots. As she neared her opponent, Felicity jumped into the murky waters of an unknown sea. Yet, she was ready for the bite of its frigid temperatures.

Two swords clashed, although the sounds of the magical blade were strange and alien in sound. Only Felicity's weapon echoed in a metallic manner. Felicity would attack with not one strike, but many. She would go with the flow, and eagerly await his next move. Felicity's strength aided her in pushing forward. She was trying to push him back. She pulled out her dagger as well as she pressed on, trying to push him further back. Back! Her eyes darted at the shattered glass near the entrance then back at him. Maybe, if she got him that far...

Skill was reflected in her bladesmanship as clearly as their reflections were across the round, bizarre room.

I can't test him, but I can fight him!

She knew the repercussions of chucking caution like this would hurt. She was forced up to this point, however, and she could still think on the go. How else had she survived this long in life? Besides, melee combat was her specialty. Shinsou indeed had a lot to dish out, but what was the challenge in an easy fight?

This would be difficult. However, it would also be fun.

Shinsou danced in time with Felicity’s unrelenting assault, smiling as her sword and dagger bit into Enpera’s edge with increasing ferocity. The sheer momentum forced his heels to backpedal and give ground on the polished arena surface, but even as the redhead pushed him back the Telgradian relished each thrust and parry, every jarring vibration and metallic clang. Closing his eyes, Osiris started to sense the girl’s swings as they occurred, and he almost imagined himself as the lead in one of the Winchester family’s productions as he tried to synchronise his movements with the redhead’s.

Lift, stroke, parry. Lift, stroke, parry. Lift, stroke-

Suddenly, a sharp pain ricocheted up the outside of his forearm, and Shinsou hesitated as a streak of crimson dripped down his sleeve.. He’d been caught by a swing out of time. Or, accurately, more in time. Quickly, he knocked away the follow up, and span away to put a few feet between them.

She's getting quicker, or less predictable...

Stupid. The moment’s thought had wasted precious seconds and voided the entire purpose of putting distance between them. Like a hungry wolf she pounced, close enough that the Telgradian was able to see her pupils, and only with considerable effort was he able to force his body into a swing with Enpera. Pure adrenaline overpowered Felicty’s growing presence, but her instincts served her well; she feinted past the first cross-sweep from the left, before slipping the downwards swing from the right.

Time for a response.

His eyes opened. Those gold irises shone with suppressed power, as if the light of a thousand fires were carefully harbored within. Felicity’s form blurred in front of hm as she continued to swing at him, although Shinsou was not quite sure whether this was because of her speed or the power that nigh tangibly throbbed through his mind and flowed through his veins.

Hakai: Enpera Shinkotei

With a whisper, he began to channel the power though Enpera and melded the energy into the precise amount needed to unseal some of the sword’s potential. The alien metal throbbed an iridescent white as it grew, stretching out to almost twice its length to no-dachi proportions. The process was so sudden that the momentum of the growth forced a small distance between the pair. The power that didn’t make it into the sword simply leaked from where he stood; bright, white whorls coalescing into intricately formed wisps that curved around him and evaporated beyond the mirror ceiling.

Shinsou’s concentration never wavered when the release was complete. Channeling magic in this way was not an overly difficult process, and sustaining the Hakai was not inherently sapping to his mental reserves, either, but the act of switching between maintaining Hakai and tapping into more offensive power from the conscious part of his mind took more effort than people may have given him credit for. This was the portion of his Telgradian sword art at which most novices of his race struggled and failed, but a part that he had years of experience in.

In moments, his mind turned to a counterattack. If Hakai was the vessel, his Berlioz Edge was the means. There was no time for dawdling.

There was movement; swift, almost frantic, like watching a falcon swooping for the kill, but the way his hands crossed the guard of the newly formed anti-cavalry sword was masterful and practiced. His left quickly flipped the hilt so that the sword’s cutting edge faced outwards, towards Felicity, simultaneously imbuing his dark matter into the blade until the edge glowed with a purple hue. Each of his movements was deliberate, accurate, perfect; but even those movements paled in comparison to the stroke that followed. With the grace of a master painter, the Telgradian wove the blade firstly down by his side and then ferociously brought it upwards in an arc across Felciity’s person in one fluid motion. The dark matter edge flickered before releasing into a powerful, razor sharp shockwave.

Never once did Shinsou’s eyes leave the girl, even as the dark magic crescent threatened to consume her, and the black and purple wave faded ever so slightly. Drops of scarlet blood dripped neatly to the mirror floor between his feet, the wound from his arm reminding him that although he wielded power, he was still just a man.

Almost there!

Felicity was successful in pushing her opponent back. She even landed a cut to his arm! Yet, as glass shards crunched beneath their feet, Shinsou retaliated. An explosion of magical energy signified his move. Wisps of white energy swirled around him as his weapon glowed and grew. Felicity gasped, immediately bolting back to escape the growing size of the blade.

That sword was huge.

Felicity’s efforts were all wasted.

A scowl of annoyance crossed her face as she raised her puny arming sword. Then, she narrowed her eyes. The sword turned from white to purple. The alien weapon then was raised in the stroke of a master. Felicity remembered for the first time what she was dealing with. A pro. A fresh sense of fear trickled inside as Shinsou brought down his blade, extending a wave which screamed of power. Eyes wide, the girl hastily side stepped. This was all happening so fast! Then, an idea struck her mind. Raising her dehlar sword, she reached into the shock wave in attempts to use her weapon’s properties to absorb it.

Instead, the blade just shattered.

Felicity shrieked, dropping the stub of a hilt as she shrunk back. Probably not her smartest move. As the hilt fell, the shock wave hit the wall behind her. The sound of glass shattering erupted in a chorus of an angelic choir out of tune. As the sound was amplified in an echo, she gaze lifted from the hilt to her opponent.

Shinsou clearly had the upper hand. A weapon with incredible reach did he wield. Meanwhile, Felicity was down to her dirk and one short ranged bow on her back. Desperation caused her eyes to dilate. She was backing up to a parallel wall. Yet, as her heart raced, a crazy solution entered her mind.

Her eyes darted to a mirror right behind her. She turned towards it, putting her dagger away. If she could manage to disarm him, the playing field would be more even. She would have to get through that sword first, however…

Was she insane enough use that power? Willingly? If that sword cut her once she would be distracted. Distraction could not be tolerated. Besides, she convinced herself, it would only be for a moment. She would still be sane enough to move in an intelligible way.

Her target was his arm. His not bleeding arm. She would grab the arm with one hand, aiming for his elbow. With her other arm bring her elbow down, using the force to bend his arm unnaturally and force his sword from his hand. Of course, she had to get there first. This was the truly lunatic part of her plan. She raised her fist. In her Berserk Mode, she would be undisturbed by any and all pain. The nuclear energy seeping from her body would also cause enough discomfort and mild sickness to throw Shinsou off for the moment she needed to start her grapple.

She slammed her arm into the mirror, shattering it and causing her to bleed. That familiar rush of feral rage empowered her as she charged towards her opponent.

What the hell?

He had broken her sword, which had given Shinsou only some small measure of satisfaction, but now the Telgradian watched in bemusement as his bestial foe seemed to detach herself from her sanity. She had raced frantically to the mirror and seemed to have intentionally injured herself, smashing her arms through the wall behind her and drawing blood on the jagged shards.

No-one does that without a good reason, so what’s hers? was Osiris’s next rueful thought, as his vision caught sight of the Neanderthal sprinting towards him. As he readied himself, no-dachi raised high and feet firmly planted on the polished silver, he suddenly saw Felicity through his spirit sense. Something different eminated from her; that green aura he had seen outside, a presence that his soul could see but his mind did not quite comprehend. It was aggressive, almost feral and completely changed the atmosphere around them. Now, the outstretched arms of this she-beast sought to grapple him, and threatened to tear him limb from limb.

There it is; that light. Oh, you thing of beauty. That’s it, come at me with-

The warrior-mage freed his sword from his right hand as he attempted his next move, but before he could summon his dark matter again the Telgradian felt a pang in his stomach. Moments later, Shinsou was practically forced to one knee through the sudden surge of sickness, beads of sweat forming underneath his chestnut fringe. What was this? Was his body paying the price for using Hakai too early?

“Enpera…” A pale Osiris called out, his voice only barely reaching over the clamour and din of Felicity’s marauding. Tired it was, exhausted by a sudden illness that swept over him in pulsating waves, but he forced it to continue speaking as an outstretched palm tried to open the gateway that would bring forth his infamous Enpera Kurohitsugi.

“Kurohit-“

Shinsou thought that the aches and pains throbbing through him would quite literally burn holes through his body as he struggled for breath. What had she done to him? There was nothing to suggest a spell had been cast; no incantations, arcane glyphs or movements…just an outrageous, self inflicted rage.

Then, it dawned upon him.

The injury. She released or activated something when she hurt herself…

Shinsou nodded his affirmation of his understanding, but it was too late. Her arms gripped his wrists and he screamed as Enpera clattered to the floor. The pain was unlike anything he had ever felt; like iron shackles being fused to his skin with lava, such was her strength and its application. She also held him in a way that suggested at least some proficiency in the martial arts; fingers clasped on pressure points on his wrists, paralyzing them. It was something he had witnessed in training with Joshua Cronen but fist to fist fighting was something he had never accomplished himself.

The surprise of the pain made his stomach wretch, a noise only matched by an angry grunt from this bewildering redhead. Now, choices were few and far between. The sickness he felt was somehow suppressing Hakai’s power, meaning he hadn’t got access to the increased strength Enpera gave him to vault or take steps to either side. He couldn’t use Danzetsu without being free of her hold. There was only one thing he could really do to allow him to bypass the worst of this.

As he stood up, he brought both arms downwards in a chopping motion, hands straight and firm as he channeled arcane power to his legs. Dark matter formed two small knife edges at his toes, turning his boots into weaponized extensions of his feet. He kicked instinctively, lashing out with all his might, and somehow tried to connect with his opponent’s chest. With any luck, Felicity would at least stagger backwards, winded, giving him just enough time to get his shit together and retaliate.

He struggled. He crumpled. He grew sick, desperate. Felicity kept holding on. She saw in red slits as she clenched him, causing good bruising on his arm as pressure points were pushed. The more he clung to his weapon, the more her anger grew.

“Sword! Let go!” She barked! Tunnel vision amongst her bolstered anger caused her to become illogical. The blood from her self inflicted wound slipped into her palm, her fingers. Her grip loosened just as the feeling of pounding came to her attention. Unresponsive to any pain, she was too focused on her loosening grip. The kicking continued.

In the series of seconds, she felt a sudden sting in her hand. Berserk Rage slipped away as another enhanced boot slammed into her rib cage. Now, now it hurt!

The combination of the sudden pains, slippery fingers, and the super powered kicks caused her hold to fail. Another kick and she was pushed back. Unbalanced by the less than gripping floor, she lost her footing for the second. She spread her arms and resituated her legs, maintaining control of herself as adrenaline cooled. Wide eyes returned to normal as she looked up to her opponent.

Was she successful? Did he lose his grip? Did the loss of her radiation lead to him getting well from the sickness?

A smirk formed on her face. It worked! The glowing blade was removed from his hand.

Now, Felicity just needed to figure out what to do now. Try ranged and use her bow again? No, her hands were a bloody mess. Literally. What if she used her dirk? That would not be best either, as Felicity would be within too close a range for weapons combat against this experienced magician. What if she closed in with more unharmed combat? Looking back in her hazed memory, he seemed less trained than her with unarmed martial arts, as he used none against her. He was physically weaker too, meaning boxing, karate, and full on wrestling even could be bring results. Felicity was strong enough to crack his neck or punch a hole through his chest!

Reckless desire to win bolstered her. She was so caught up that all the warnings and precautions of his true strength no longer reached her. Felicity hunkered down and darted right back towards him in hopes of achieving a solid series of punches and kicks. She paid little attention to his next move to make and lunged for his chest and legs. Multiple mirrors reflected the opponents as Felicity dashed towards him. She was getting too antsy…

Felicity’s insane barking encapsulated the essence of the madness of their battle as she took Shinsou’s desperate leg strikes and finally released her grip, a bloodied, almost psychotic mess. Thrown off-balance by the sickness that had gripped him and unwilling to allow her to push him any further in this odd berserker state she had entered, the Telgradian had finally reached the end of his tether. He had seen now what she was capable of, what the green aura had represented, and decided that further satisfying his curiosity was less of a priority.

Now he would show Felicity what he could do.

The pale, sweating spellsword allowed himself to his feet, stepping backwards a couple of paces as he felt his strength and speed begin to return to his body. Whatever ability it was that Felicity had unleashed, it was worse when the redhead was in close proximity, and now she was away from him its potency was failing. The fire once again in his golden eyes, the Telgradian’s intricately interwoven white coat whipped the air as he turned sharply to slip the Neanderthal’s latest charge, much quicker to react than before as Hakai’s power once again enveloped him and augmented his reactions. The vigor and recklessness of her charge could have been a result of her rage, but Shinsou had seen this before from other opponents.

She’s becoming careless now, either through anger or arrogance. Time to go to school.

The girl, wrongfooted, simply darted past him, feet failing traction on the slippery glass floor. Perhaps she wasn’t expecting his strength to return so quickly. In any case, the simple but effective evasion created the exact opening he needed for his counterattack.

Enpera Kurohitsugi

The incantation was loud enough to hear over the ruckus. Shinsou, eyes glaring at his opponent, moved his unarmed hand in a crescent flash across his body, almost faster than the eye could track.

Behind Shinsou, a few feet above the crest of his oaken hair, mysterious arcane energies quickly began to meld together. Forking tendrils of black and purple convulsed and converged around each other, reflected in the mirrored surfaces like dozens of black holes threatening to swallow the universe. Instantly, a fifteen foot wide portal of dark, ominous oblivion hung behind him. The sheer corrosive force of the dark magic cracked the glass beneath the Telgradian, leaving the brittle surface in danger of collapse into the whistling expanse of space below.

Out of the black chasm that gaped behind him, protruding from the abyss, levitated the infamous fifteen lances of dark matter. The spears momentarily hung there, emanating an ethereal hum as they waited for an order. Without even having to motion, Shinsou commanded seven of the projectiles to attack the ceiling above Felicity and the other eight to attack her at once. The two clusters of black magic tore out of the portal and wildly lunged towards their intended recipients, forks of blue and purple electricity ripping and tearing at the glass and debris around them and scorching the reflecting surfaces. Through the electric trail of his powerful volley, Shinsou gave the redhead an incredulous stare.

If his strikes were precise, he would impale Felicity. If not, he hoped to bring the ceiling down upon her, crushing her or, at worst, shattering the floor below her with the weight of the glass above. It was a move a little less artistic than the swordplay before, but the Telgradian knew that the time for finesse had long since passed.

As she skidded to a halt, broken glass from one of the many shattered mirrors cracked beneath. From one mirror which reflected behind her, she saw Shinsou’s eyes glow. She gaped when her magic affinity sparked and a loud noise filled the room. She turned with wide eyes to see an abyss of magic open behind Shinsou. Once again, she was reminded of how remarkable this man must be. She was visibly nervous as confidence turned into fear. She took another step back, swallowing.

From behind the stoic man, multiple projectiles formed. Felicity buckled down, trying to judge whether to dodge or – too slow! Without a single sign of visible command from their caster, the projectiles zipped in all sorts of directions. Instincts and more importantly training caused Felicity to bring her arms up to cover her face. The sound of glass shattering erupted from above and around her as she felt the projectiles rip through her feeble clothes, into her flesh.

One projectile was lodged into her arm, where her left eye would have been cut clean out. Another was buried into her upper right leg. One barely slit her side. One more seriously was stopped by her ribs from breaching her inner organs. The last was the most serious, as it had slammed and shoved into her heart.

Felicity’s timer for life was set at approximately twelve minutes.

Another timer was being set as well, however.

Above her, the delicate glass chandelier was torn from its place as the jewel of the ceiling. It fell, three stories down, and landed right on top of the already wounded girl.

A moment passed by.

Then… a red, magical aura arose from the shattered structure.

A fist pounded out from the wreckage. Blood seeped from countless cuts as Felicity stood up, survived, covered by her nuclear cloak. Hair down, half covering her eyes, a chilling roar echoed across the room of mirrors. This was no longer a girl Shinsou was facing. This was an animal. A beast. A monster of pure, unrestricted rage. Insanely strong, immune to pain, emitting radiation sickness, wrapped with burning nuclear energy. The cost of cutting her this many times was deadly.

Seventy seconds to go.

Darting from the pile of glass, the creature awkwardly limped as the ribs, leg, and heart were pushed beyond human limit. No sanity was left in deranged, shaking green eyes. Tongue out like a dog’s, scream after scream shouted. The force of her racing caused nearby mirrors to shatter as the thing closed in on Shinsou, blindly swinging with fists and kicks. It operated on two things, two things only.

Wrath and Instinct.

Shinsou had seen a lot of inexplicable things in his life. He had seen Storm Veritas defy gravity using magnetism. He had witnessed Joshua Cronen kill a greater Thayne with his fists and feet. He had watched as Philomel van der Aart had levelled an entire city block with an earthquake. He had seen Elijah Belov carry himself great distances at unfathomable speeds. He had stood in awe as the ground under Shinsou’s very feet cracked and shattered under the force of Nanashi’s conjurings.

Now, however, the Telgradian truly faced the inexplicable; a girl who could spit in the face of death.

His eyes seared beneath the tips of his soaked hair as the glittering pile debris of glass, brought down from the floor above, smashed into dust. Arcane energy, sour like raw citrus, flowed from the source. Hot, thick air pushed back against him like syrup, clinging to his skin even as it resisted his movements and making it tingle like early stage paralysis. The world slowed to his mind as the sickness once again gripped him. Shinsou’s counterattack had been furious and had clearly caused devastating injuries to Felicity, but his underestimation of his opponent was now even more apparent.

How…?

The world to the front of the Telgradian was suddenly covered in a duality of discomfort; firstly, a blanket of shimmering dust from the vaporized glass matter, and secondly the fresh hell of a new, more potent dizziness. He saw, through the cacophony and the chaos, the wobbling form of the Neanderthal rise from the pile. It didn’t even seem like her anymore; just a mess of red, and her blood soaked form was hunched and feral like the worst of Xem’zund’s monstrosities.

Time stood still for a moment as Osiris tried to comprehend what he saw as the lances of dark matter, those crude, destructive things, protruded from her sickeningly. Then, with a snap, they simply shattered from the force of her aura.

I need to use all my power. If a direct hit from Enpera Kurohitsugi failed, then I-

Then, she rushed him.

As the radiation sickness sapped the last of his Hakai release from his body, all he could think to do to avoid her was jump hard to his right to avoid the coming storm. Her charge was shattering even the landscape around her, incinerating everything in its wake. It was then that Shinsou did something stupid. He knew he wanted to move, but his legs failed him. So, he froze. He froze, and his life didn’t flash before his eyes because he was too fucking scared to think. So, he froze, and pulled a stupid face.

The enraged Felicity smashed into him so violently that he cough up blood. The sheet of glass he stood on, the actual floor of the arena, cracked further and sprayed out volumes of white hot glass dust as the Telgradian’s pulverized body crashed and skidded to the foot of the staircase. Shinsou flailed and pushed himself, bruised and battered, back to his feet. The pain was agonizing, now. He could feel the leather of his boots burn to a crisp under Felicity’s thick radiation, giving a sensation of them fusing to his skin.

The world around him seemed to be blurring into a sickly haze, like an oil painting ruined by a water spillage. His joints ached where Felicity had struck him and where he had impacted the cold, hard floor. Refuge, rescue, or relief from the pain of his burning wound was urgently needed, but none looked promising. Blood flowed in crimson torrents from his lips, dripping down his charred skin.

He could only think to do one thing with what power remained in his body. His breath was labored to the point of almost choking and his strength felt sapped from the returning radiation sickness, but eventually the Telgradian, swaying like a rubber man, steadied himself. He looked down to his right to see that Enpera had been knocked within his reach with the force of the shoulder charge. He bent down, and locked Enpera in his soot smothered grip.

“You’ve pushed me to my limits,” He panted to her, his eyes narrowing, “…if you can hear me inside there, Felicity Rhyolite, you have my congratulations. But, you’ve run out of road.”

Shinsou closed his eyes, his cheeks red and searing and his eyes jaded and watering from the pain he was in. He raised Enpera, and slashed it across the air in front of him.

Danzetsu.

Impossibly deep blacks smouldered with barely suppressed power as everything around Shinsou whipped into a furious twister of arcane energies. Once the fog of smoke and electricity rolled away, the Telgradian’s physical form stood for all to see. It defied mortal comprehension; impossibly beautiful musculature, eternally intimidating visage complete with black eyes and waist length hair. The Neanderthal, growling like a mad beast, stood as her energy ferociously forced itself into each and every surface, further fissuring the already battered scenery.

He raised his hand up, and outstretched two fingers. At the fingertips, an orb of marbled black and dark green the size of a fist spun wildly.

Oscuras.

Shinsou Vaan Osiris had decided to release his trump card; a thin, powerful particle beam of dark matter. The orb warped and stretched into a cylindrical flow with an almighty crackkkkk, before tearing through the air at terrifying speed. The scent of ozone filled the air as the chemicals in the beam reacted with oxygen, burning it, but even as the frighteningly powerful shot ripped reality asunder, the Telgradian was already on one knee, the combined toll of the radiation, the exhaustion and the drain of his second transformation proving too much for even him.

Fifteen seconds.

The room of mirrors was in distress. The floors, the walls, the mirrors… Everywhere, shattered remains were scattered and reduced to dust as both opponents operated in their final forms. Magic swirled and danced. The only remaining mirrors cracked slightly as the reflections of devastation whirled around them like furious storms.

As Shinsou readied his last resort, it was down to ten seconds for Felicity.

Fight! Destroy! The thoughts this creature were having were far and in between. Truly mindless, the thing stalked towards the transformed man best as broken hips and wounded heart let the body go.

Then… *Shree-*

Eight seconds.

A bolt of dark matter pierced the body. A gaping hole was left where the heart should be. The enhanced blood of the person immediately poured out, but the glazed eyes of the monstrosity were not fading yet. Another step as blood puddled on the floor.

Five seconds.

A second step, unbalanced and struggling to function, - not due to pain but due to the sheer damage taken. It was only one step away from the sick, kneeling man it saw in red.

One…

The cloak steadily faded like mist. The seeping radiation fizzled out as the twisted look on the child’s face immediately changed. From blind rage to horrifying agony, the sickness she herself experienced after her cloak left was only thrown atop the massive heap of wounds she had taken. Her time was up.

Vomit and blood started to ooze from her mouth as she immediately collapsed. Jaws widened, eyes opened in shock and torture. Her bleeding, heartless body convulsed in a series of violent, exhausted jerks before it froze still. Even as vomit still flooded from her mouth, her face was shadowed in a way only the dead looked. Two terrible seconds of a wound that would of killed the average person instantly, and Felicity Rhyolite was deceased.

Shinsou Vaan Osiris had a well earned, painful victory.

Felicity Rhyolite, or at least whatever that form was of her, was dead.

The ruckus of conflict was no more, replaced only by a sudden, eerie silence. The remnants of the mirrored vaults and reflecting alcoves now sang only to the whisper of the Telgradian’s labored breaths as he took everything in, alone. Columns of shattered glass smoldered in the wake of the nauseatingly hot remains of Felicity’s corpse. Then, Shinsou finally reeled, his Danzetsu form peeling away from him as Enpera clattered to what remained of the floor. In the cracked surface of the mirror, steamed from his breath, the gaunt Osiris watched as the jet black hair of his transformation shriveled back into his short brown bangs, and the runes that covered his body simply faded back into his skin.

It was just like that night in Radasanth, when the meteorites had laid waste to the city; the pungent odors of burning flesh and flame, but with the new sensations of retching and dizziness, pounding ears and watery eyes.

Shinsou coughed violently, but he spared himself a little ironic chuckle. His curiosity had truly gotten the better of him this time, and he wondered, as his legs gave way underneath him; was this what the Citadel did to people, with its honeyed whispers of immortality and lack of consequence?

The questions faded from his mind as the familiar blue light of the Citadel’s monks enveloped him, ready to bring him home. The world blurred into ocean blue, but Shinsou’s mind blanked with numbness. In the darkness behind his eyelids, he could see only one face.

Felicity Rhyolite.

Ragged nails dug into his palms. Teeth bit into his lips. Then, he smiled.

Sheepish from behind his soaked hair, Shinsou knew he had succumbed to the temptation. He was even more curious. That redheaded girl, the only green speck in a sea of red and blue, was unique; a beautiful blade that needed tempering and shaping into something to achieve her true potential.

Never once did the smile leave his face, until the world went black.

***

There was a rush of air, then absolute darkness. A few minutes passed before Shinsou Vaan Osiris’s golden eyes opened, peeling the oblivion of death away to reveal the frigid, cold greys of the ceiling of the Citadel’s medical wing. His limbs felt heavy and cumbersome, and as he rolled over, a monk hung over him for what seemed like an eternity.

“Welcome back. Please, do not move too much. We are still healing your wounds.”

The voice was muffled, as if spoken underwater. It was always the same with the Citadel after a fight. The Telgradian hated this part of the process the most, where the Citadel’s unique magic interfered with the brain and forced it to struggle to make sense of anything; like a hangover. He’d always look down upon himself, stunned to see there were no wounds. Checking himself twice, thrice, and once again after, it would take a few hazy minutes before Shinsou realised he was completely clean of any cuts or blood because of the Ai’Bron.

"You took some serious damage in there," The monk said, a blasé expression plastered over his face as his outstretched palms hovered inches from Shinsou’s body. "I have to say, I’m surprised.”

Osiris’s face contorted with confusion. “Why?"

"I’ve watched you a lot in here," the priest continued, in a substantially hushed tone. "You’ve killed a lot of people, and you’ve been killed before. But you’ve never come out with injuries like this." Shinsou turned his head entirely, staring the monk square in the eyes. Osiris’s mouth tightened into a smile.

“Yeah, you're not kidding. Where is she?” He asked.

The monk shook his head and sighed. “Four doors down from here. You really want to do this?”

"Oh, don’t worry, I’m not looking for round two," Shinsou responded, rising to his feet, "The girl intrigues me."

The Telgradian straightened his neck, drawing back his head before brushing down his white coat. The monk hung precariously over him, a very deep expression of worry spread over his visage. “Please don’t cause any trouble here. It is not our place to get involved in political matters, but if you're recruiting for the Brotherhood, it could be...problematic.”

"I'm not recruiting," The Telgradian continued as they exited the room together and continued down a sloping, torch-lit hallway. "But i'm interested in her personally. She took me to my limit, but that power of hers is dangerous. Inside the Citadel, sure, no problem. But out there? No, I’d like to speak to her…that’s all."

The monk sighed. “Well, just don’t do anything stupid.” He nodded, giving up on trying to convince his patient, before waddling off to other duties. Shinsou walked a few paces around the corner, to the fourth door. It was already ajar, and through it he could see the redhead, sat on the bed, directly in front of him.

Felicity’s eyes met his own through the gap, and she froze, unsure of whether he was a threat. So, he knocked politely and entered.

“How are you feeling?” He started, leaning against the wall. “I came here to congratulate you. In all my time here, no-one has ever pushed me like that. You were fierce, you were relentless and you surprised even me. But..I'm worried. You’ve got power, and you’ve got skill. What you don’t seem to have is control. What happens if you go nuts out there, in the world, like that? If you can do that to me, then what about the commoners out there?”

There was a momentary pause as Shinsou thought about how to word his thoughts. He wanted to be careful not to patronise the young girl, but needed to be concise.

“You don’t have to agree, but I might be able to help you control it. It's not just about that form, either. It’s clear to see that you are sharp, but you have more potential than I think you realise. I want to help, if I can. Sharpen you up, teach you a few things and hopefully get that form under control. What do you say, Felicity?"

With that offer, and an outstretched hand, what had started as a lesson in curiosity had left Osiris with the machinations of destiny to contend with.

White fluff fell from a strangely clear sky. The delicate particles were not the ash Felicity had grown accustomed to. Rather, it was a substance Felicity recalled watching fall from the heavens since she was a toddler.

Snow?

Strangely, it was not bitterly cold like Eiskalt could be. Yet, the glistening pine forest surrounding her reflected the wonders of a beautiful winter day. Felicity glanced around the forest, the pine scents dancing around her nose.

Where am I?

“Felicity?”

That voice. Felicity recognized that voice. Her eyes widened. It was a voice she thought she would never hear again… She turned to see his face. Oh, his precious face! His face was rather similar to her’s, save the smaller forehead. Blue eyes and short, black hair were gentle as the smile on his face. Tears clouded Felicity’s eyes as she brought her hand up to her mouth. “Jonathan? …”

Jonathan’s footsteps were muffled by the snow as she walked towards her. Felicity’s tears clouded her vision, and they started falling even harder as she felt his familiar hand on her shoulder. “Yeah.”

The redhead’s back throbbed as she struggled the find the words. The last time she saw him – he was- it was -. Oh! Red vision slammed into her mind. Memories she tried so hard to outrun but never could.

As if he could read her mind, Jonathan pulled her into a hug. Felicity’s eyes widened. She saw white and blue as she felt his warm embrace. “Felicity, it was not your fault.”

But-

“Felicity, stop blaming yourself.”

“But!-“

“Felicity…” Jonathan pulled her gently from his arms. With a hand on her shoulder still, he started wiping her tears. “Stop blaming yourself. Fate has its way, and you could nothing.” As her vision cleared, she saw that Jonathan was smiling. “Dad and I are safe, together. When it’s your time, you will see us again.”

Confusion crossed Felicity’s mind. As the snow floated downwards, she stopped sobbing and continued wiping her eyes. So many questions. What was this place? Why was she here? Panic started to rise as she rapidly surveyed the snowy forest.

Jonathan lifted his arm and shifted her gaze back to him. “You just died in the Citadel.”

Shock flooded Felicity’s head. She could not remember, what happened? The last thing she remembered was… the feeling on glass shattering; a heavy object coming down on her. She had blanked out after that. Understanding started to satisfy her panic. Her heartbeat lowered again as she continued to wipe her eyes. “I’m? …”

Jonathan scoffed, rolling his eyes. “When you die in the Citadel, you enter this place.”

Felicity raised an eyebrow.

“Purgatory.” Jonathan explained. He motioned the evergreen landscape surrounding them. “You will be back soon though.”

Felicity was hit with a wave of shock, “But I want to be with you!”

Jonathan sighed, looking away. “I know. But, Felicity, you have a life to live.”

Hot defiance caused Felicity to flare, “What! And you didn’t?”

Jonathan raised an eyebrow. “That’s in the past. You can’t let your past dictate your future.”

He looked back at her with a smile. “Felicity, you have a destiny. You have to let go in order to reach it.”

Felicity looked down at her hand. The memories were still so violent. “I try to forget! I can’t!”

Jonathan reached and took her shoulder, this time more firmly. “Then get the help you need. It’s closer.”

Felicity looked up, another bout of confusion causing her to fall silent.

Jonathan’s eyes narrowed. “You have a life changing decision ahead. Take it.”

Fear started to trickle into Felicity’s heart. “What do you-“ A strange bout of air suddenly flew into her chest, then out. Forcefully. She gaped at her cousin. “Wha-“ then again. She was slapped by a bout of weakness and fell to her knees.

“Wbat-“

“-You’re returning.” Jonathan’s voice was distant. Felicity looked up, wanting nothing more than to have him closer again. Yet, the snow grew thicker and she drifted away. Tears flooded her eyes as he called out to her, “I love you! Remember, fight! Live!”

The white shifted into a blanket as Felicity felt herself slam into a soft mattress. It felt like she took a breath of fresh air for the first time. A deep, fresh breath which never felt so relieving. A strange voice called from elsewhere, “She’s back! Full recovery!”

~~~

The bizarre encounter left Felicity perplexed. As she sat up in her cot, alone, her cousin’s haunting prophecy hung over her head.

”You have a life changing decision ahead.”

Her magic sense started to go off. Felicity turned to see familiar, golden eyes staring through the crack of the door. Her eyes widened as the next words entered her mind.

”Take it.”

First, I'll start with a breakdown and go until I feel I have a firm grasp of how the thread should be judged.

Felicity

Post 1
I understand what you're trying to do with the opening, but several of these sentences could be combined into a paragraph. Three of them are dead when placed alone and detract impact from the real hard hitter: "Perfect, reflecting glass." If you'd hung this out on its own, it would definitely have hooked me harder. As it stands, the first three neutralize the impact you were going for.

There are places where you could combine sentences, as well. In your first paragraph, the first two sentences. "It was sturdy, too. Unlikely to break under pressure…" In English, the rule for paragraphs is that they represent new ideas, so when you jump from one to the next and start you need to specify what you're talking about. In addition, a pronoun must have an antecedent, which is a noun that it refers to. In this case "It" modifies the glass, but I only know that through context clues. How I would have written this is:

"It was sturdy glass, and unlikely to break except under pressure." You could additionally expound with a few more sentences to flesh out the paragraph, maybe give her a reflection or talk about the darkness she could see beneath it, something to flavor the scene more. Capitalize on your character's surroundings more when you write.

In the second paragraph we're dealing with a sentence fragment. "Yet she could smell or taste nothing." is fragmented because you start it with a conjunction- removing yet in this situation would make it an independent clause.

"The room felt too empty" is bland prose because you're breaking a cardinal rule of fiction. You're telling me the room felt empty- but you have Felicity there as a channel to show this. Don't tell me the room feels empty- I don't empathize with that. Use your character: "Felicity shivered. There were no crowds cheering, nor did she feel any eyes on her. There was nothing, nor was there anyone else. The room went on forever, but she had only the sound of her footsteps for comfort."

You also switch tenses in your writing. Be wary of that. If you start a thread with verbs ending in -ed, make sure you standardize your writing. Abruptly shifting to -ing jars the flow.

Also, "Felicity looked up" in (technical) paragraph 2 and "Looking up" in paragraph 4 are redundant. If she is already looking or has already looked up, why would she need to do so again?

You take an entire paragraph to describe Felicity's reflection in a mirror, and in the very next paragraph, you say "of course, cosmetics were not important." Don't do that. You're shooting yourself in the foot. You're prompting your audience to ask, "then why did you waste your time telling us about it?" It's also irrelevant to the rest of the paragraph.

"Whoever just entered this room… was a legend…" How does she know that? Just from feeling overwhelming magical power, she couldn't draw the conclusion she was facing someone important, or even relevant. She would be able to tell she was outclassed, sure, but this assumes knowledge Felicity does not have. (Metagaming isn't an infraction, so this won't affect the score- its not good practice, however.)

Post 3
You begin with Shin's magical presence buffeting Felicity, but there's no real reaction to it. Pointing out Shinsou's physical appeal here detracts from the idea that you're either in awe or terror of the sheer power he exudes- which begs the question, why even point out his power if it doesn't effect Felicity?

There's an entire exposition about what he looks like, which bleeds into her switching between bows. With a paragraph, you need to decide between one thing or the other. You can't just jump between admiring his physical properties to drawing a bow. There's no connection between the two- unless you make a clear one, which you don't do here.

Felicity giggles and her overall demeanor is at a jarring contrast with what you're describing is on her mind. While it's possible that she's devious and that's what you're going for, your diction and tone here don't lend to that. You need to pick words and actions for the character that match up with her- and your- intentions.

Again, you talk about the magic and how it brings her back into the moment, but your writing says she's been distracted. Overall, I'm confused about whether she's composed or not. It's unclear.

Watch for simple spelling errors, I haven't seen many at this point, but a quick read-over or spell check can catch these.

You attempt parallelism with Shinsou in the sentence about mirrors and bad luck, but you could have worded this in a stronger way. As it stands, it falls flat of your intention.

Your dialogue isn't bad here, if I'm being honest. It might be the strongest quality of your writing. You just need to hone the skill of crafting action together with it.

As with Shinsou, find a way to show your characters thoughts without italics.

"...stepped to the bottom floor, footsteps…"

Calling her the ragechild and saying her face is somber and serious is ironic, and if that's what you're going for then great. I'm not sure it has exactly the effect you want, but I smirked.

Here's something I hate about role-playing and writing- the conditional statement. When you're in combat, "he would/she would" do something works in a system where you're only allowed to act based on what your opponent does or does not do, and you can't be sure one way or the other. We don't have a system like that. On Althanas, we write stories. You do something. That's set in stone. Your opponent does something. Working together to craft the narrative is imperative. When you leave things conditional, it jars the narrative and weakens your writing. Don't be afraid to take hits or leave yourself in a compromised position. Remember, he who wins the battle does not always win the war.

Post 5
Restating your opponent's action in different words is weak prose. Responding to it is not. The difference is in the timing. Shinsou set the "vines" in motion with his post. The burden is on you to dictate how effective they are, not to tell us what they are, or what they're doing. Be sure you in your posts you're not writing dead words. What I mean by that is words that have already expired or outlived their value. Reiterating what's already been stated is another form of redundancy.

"Felicity's instincts told her to bail." This is colloquial speech, and has no place in the current setting. It jars the flow of writing. "Felicity's instincts told her to move" would be plenty of a change.

You have a tendency to use too many words to say something simple. There's two paragraphs describing a single action. It isn't necessary.

Paragraph three, another instance of redundancy with "take care of that" and "taken care of" in the very next sentence. Then there's the matter of the murky sea and frigid depths- a metaphor, I'm assuming, but poorly defined that way. I half thought she was diving into a random sea that suddenly appeared. You have to make those literary devices clear, or they confuse the reader.

"Two swords clashed" could just be "swords clashed" or "their swords clashed," and "although" should be "but" here. "The magical blade sounded alien to Felicity." If it just sounded alien, how so? Remember, utilize your character.

"Felicity struck with multiple blows. She went with the flow and eagerly awaited his moves." You could write these sentences quick, like sword thrusts, and precise.

Avoid rhetorical questions in your writing. "what could it be?" "What was the challenge in an easy fight?" You're going to answer them anyway, presumably- they serve no purpose, and do not add anything of substance to your prose.

"Melee combat was her speciality." So why did she begin with a bow? This question isn't answered by your writing. It leaves holes in the story.

You don't need to say how difficult it would be- you've already shown us that Shinsou is more than a formidable enemy with your words. The last two sentences would be better served with a single one, perhaps something like "Felicity trembled with anticipation, a smile on her face."


Post 7
"The sound of glass shattering erupted in a chorus of an angelic choir out of tune" I'm not sure I can picture this one, but I think I understand what you're going for.

"Shinsou clearly had the upper hand." You can omit this.

Remember your tenses.

Your action writing needs practice. That's my largest takeaway from you for this thread.


Post 9
He struggled. He crumpled. He grew sick, desperate. Felicity kept holding on. She saw in red slits as she clenched him, causing good bruising on his arm as pressure points were pushed. The more he clung to his weapon, the more her anger grew.

The only thing I'd change above is the underlined portion, which has a tense shift. Other than that, this is proof that you can already use the advice I've been giving so far. Why didn't you write like this the entire thread?

"Reckless desire to win bolstered her. She was so caught up that all the warnings and precautions of his true strength no longer reached her. Felicity hunkered down and darted right back towards him in hopes of achieving a solid series of punches and kicks. She paid little attention to his next move to make and lunged for his chest and legs. Multiple mirrors reflected the opponents as Felicity dashed towards him."

Again, this is well written. There is a drastic difference in four days time (based on time stamp.)

I'm going to stop the post by post here.


Shinsou:

Post 2
Your opening sentence is Purple. It started strong, then dragged on with excessive metaphor until it lost its edge. While technically not a run on sentence, you could have broken it down in several places and made the sentences more poignant on their own.

In the second sentence, the first comma is unnecessary. "When in doubt, leave it out" is a great rule when employing commas. Same caution as Ashla- be wary of switching tenses, as with "succumbing to a sudden and inexplicable curiosity."

You wax poetic again with "Like the falling of the cold rains, a sheet of these blue lights moved in tandem across the courtyard; a thousand lost droplets destined to be consumed by the earth." You're using the semicolon incorrectly. It's used to bridge two independent clauses, and you need a coordinating conjunction at the start of the second. In this situation, the second is dependent. "A sheet of these blue lights moved in tandem across the courtyard like cold rain falling, a thousand lost droplets destined to be consumed by the earth." Same two clauses, but you get one metaphor instead of a field of flowers.

"It was then he saw it," again this comma is not necessary. You do the same in the second sentence. I'll not harp on this bit anymore- you can read back and identify it now that you are aware of it.

What the hell was that. In italics. Something we do by force of habit as roleplayers is italicize thought. This is actually bad practice. We do not need to differentiate with italics, because it should be our writing that differentiates between what the character is thinking and what they are experiencing.

Also: you don't need to emphasize words with italics either. That's another bad habit.

"He’d never heard of Felicity Rhyolite, nor ever sensed anyone with a green aura before." Remember to check for redundancy. You've already told us Shinsou had never seen a green light in a previous paragraph.

Coincidences is a word, by the way.

"...took some time to adjust to, but eventually his eyes adjusted…"

"The room, if it could be called that, seemed somewhat devoid of life…" honestly if it were me, I would do away with 'if it could be called that.' You have more power when you defer to description than you do with bare observation, especially when your observation is made by the narrator and not the character. Like I mentioned to Ashla earlier, don't be afraid to utilize your character to experience the setting.

"They fell silent as his eyes finally fell upon Felicity Rhyolite."

Post 4
Your introspective paragraph takes away from the tone, which is most likely opposite of what you intended. At this point, both writers are guilty of assassinating their own narrative with conflicting word choice and tone. Be aware and conscious of the direction you're taking your posts.

You transition immediately into praising your character and using the narrative to glorify him. It's not necessary to elevate your character that way. Let the story you tell do it for you.

Something we're all guilty of at times is jumping away from the present to reflect on something the character has done, but we do it with the narrator's voice rather than the character's thoughts. The character is there to be your avatar. You put them through the experiences you want your audience to appreciate. Focus on that. Don't tell me anything. Show me.

Your action paragraph is weakened because you state your intent, rather than simply stating "the tendril of darkness coiled toward the bow," or cleverly leaving the motion open ended while continuing with your portion of the story. Play off of each other. Both writers are a resource. Obviously you can't call hits, but you can constructively write and respond.


Post 6
You start strong with the dance metaphor, but break into the conflicting tenses again shortly after. Again, you would benefit from combining or breaking down sentences to maximize their effect.

"Lift, stroke, parry…" this portion is good in theory, but you need more to really close the deal. When you jump to the next paragraph, I can't see or feel his surprise. His pain is visible, you tell me what happened, but you missed this opportunity.

My largest takeaway for you thus far has been that you choose inopportune times to reflect on the past or Shinsou's culture. Do that in a thread geared toward that. He's here now. Focus on the present.

"There was no time for dawdling." I find this ironic because a lot of your exposé has dawdled, and you're not taking full advantage of the conflict to illustrate a fight.

;

"Never once did Shinsou’s eyes leave the girl, even as the dark magic crescent threatened to consume her, and the black and purple wave faded ever so slightly. Drops of scarlet blood dripped neatly to the mirror floor between his feet, the wound from his arm reminding him that although he wielded power, he was still just a man."

Finally, something I can take a moment to praise. You actually did well here to form the attack and leave it open ended while not disrupting the narrative or jarring your post in order to cater to Felicity's response.

(You're not properly combining clauses. If you intend to use two commas and not have your sentences bleed together into run ons, you need at least one independent clause, and at least one coordinating conjunction. The previous sentence stands as an example.)

Post 8
"Get his shit together and retaliate" doesn't fit the writing you've done so far. It's jarring.

Post 10
Radiation poisoning doesn't just wear off when exposure ends, by the way.

By and large the post discounts the damage you took previously. I'm not going to say it's impossible that Shinsou could cast his spells now that the radiation is not actively debilitating him, but the lingering effects and the sickness should still be a factor. That said, I'm gonna knock off a point in the Wildcard for it.

At this point you've fallen into the same trap Felicity is prone to: you're jarring the narrative to make room for your opponent to write.

"If his strikes were precise, he would impale Felicity. If not, he hoped to bring the ceiling down upon her, crushing her or, at worst, shattering the floor below her with the weight of the glass above. It was a move a little less artistic than the swordplay before, but the Telgradian knew that the time for finesse had long since passed."

Don't.

You do your thing. They do theirs. Conditional statements aren't good for a story. They're for equations and philosophy.

Judgment:

I have more than enough to use here without scribbling down all the notes for every post. If you want a comprehensive breakdown of the rest of them, feel free to DM me and I'd be glad to write one up for you. That said, I have your points breakdown and final decision:

Shinsou | Felicity
Story: 4 | 3
Setting: 6 | 5
Pacing: 4 | 4
Plot: 14/30 | 12/30
Communication: 7 | 7
Action: 6 | 4
Persona: 5 | 5
Character: 18/30 | 16/30
Mechanics: 4 | 3
Clarity: 6 | 4
Technique: 5 | 4
Prose: 15/30 | 10/30
Wildcard: 4 | 8

Final score: 51 | 47

Felicity, for your improvement at the end, I'm giving you an eight in your wild card. It doesn't make a difference for the outcome of the thread, but I do want you to know it didn't go unnoticed. I'm a harsh judge, but it's because I want to see you improve as a writer- after all, that's the point of judgments on Althanas.

Continue practicing and ask for advice whenever you want. One of these days, you can come back and tune Shin up.

Shin, overall your writing was made of tougher stuff, but only just. You get to go through the emotional blender of reading my judgment and feeling gutted no different from Fel- and you should take the criticisms to heart. You've been writing a long time, and I know you've got skill.

Time to brush off the rust and get back to business.

-Tobi


Shinsou Vaan Osiris is the victor. Congratulations!

Shinsou gains 3750 Exp and 100 GP

Felicity Rhoylite gains 1125 Exp and 50 GP