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A third serving was placed in front of her.
Chocolate pudding, cheesecake, chocolate and peanut butter mousse, snickerdoodle cookies, and marshmallow fruit salad. Felicity shook, taking a fork and immediately digging in, despite her stomach's protesting.
Felicity was in a bar, trying to find escape. She vowed to never drink again, but binge eating was still on the table. The warmth of the fireplace nearby offered a sense of physical pleasure as she gorged herself. She had so many regrets, too many regrets. She needed escape. She was already halfway done with her plate. There were seldom few people in the bar. Good thing, for Felicity was on the verge of tears. It all started when she found her old home in ruins, then the regrets never stopped.
Felicity shook her head, forcing herself to swallow the sweets. The aromas of food and drink swirled around her. The bar, despite having only one or two guests, had people cooking as if expecting a feast.
Felicity sniffed the air. Was that strawberry shortcake she smelled? She would need some of that.
Slumped in her chair, Felicity continued on her gluttonous rampage. She needed escape from her sins, and this was currently her best option. She shoveled some of the mousse into her protesting mouth.
Sugar after sugar vanished into what Evian was coming to believe was actually a portal to a bottomless pit that was masquerading as a redheaded girl. It was actually kind of interesting, in a macabre, disturbing way.
The redheaded girl had come in, and if she hadn't been projecting an air of depression that made it hard to see her as anything other than sad, he would have said she had come storming in. As it was, though, she had all but collapsed into her seat and started ordering anything and everything that the bar and attached restaurant had that had kind of high sugar content in it. He supposed it was a good thing that he'd heard one of the waiters mentioning that the chefs were experimenting with new things for the menu today.
She hadn't seemed to even register that he was nearby when she took her seat, and started ordering. So he had an almost front row seat to watching the sugar-laden foods vanishing past thin lips cracked by chapping, where the food apparently ceased to exist for all it was doing to her. He was disturbed, and a bit impressed that she was managing to eat so much. Still, it looked like she was starting to struggle, her three-fingered - and he wondered where her pinky went - hand quivering slightly as she kept forcing food into her system. Evian caught a waiter's gaze and beckoned him over.
"Might want to bring a bucket soon. And a mug of water." He inclined his head towards the girl, who paid the two no heed. The waiter, a gangly boy who looked to be not much younger than the girl in question, took a look at the redhead then nodded rapidly. He scurried away, avoiding another waitress who was bringing out yet another dessert.
Evian had seen plenty of people drinking to forget their woes. This was the first time he had ever seen someone literally gorging themselves to accomplish the same. He sat back and sipped on his mead, waiting for the eventual spectacle that was sure to come after this much force feeding.
Eventually, a throbbing overtook her throat. Felicity tried and failed to swallow what she knew was coming up. Thankfully, a waiter had magically appeared with a bucket. Felicity threw her fork aside and grabbed the bucket. The entire table rattled as she barreled to the side of the wooden seat. Vomit poured into the bucket as the half-neanderthal shook. It kept coming. Felicity was throwing up for perhaps over a minute before it was finally over. She grimaced, refusing to look into the bucket. Her body felt weak from all the sweets she had consumed, her cognitive functions flooded with the rot of treats. She looked to the table to see a tall glass of water. She started cleaning her mouth with the water. She gurgled, spat into the bucket, and repeated. She ordered a second water as well, needing to drown the manufactory sweets with pure, fresh water. At least, she was chugging water as the bucket laid aside on the floor.
Felicity lowered the glass, water dropping from her jaw. She looked down to the half eaten caramel cream sundae and knew she needed to stop. She sighed, pushing the dish away and resting her head on the wooden table.
She looked up to see that someone had been watching her the whole time. A dark haired man with a blue-amethyst coloring in his eyes. Felicity glared at the clean cut, awe struck person. "What you looking at?"
“A whirlpool made flesh, almost.†Evian chuckled and took another slow drink of his mead before tilting it towards the redhead. “Over indulging, check. Vomiting up, check, though a bit earlier than most manage. And most people would go for alcohol, not every dessert the cooks have made that day.†As the girl glared at him, he watched one of the staff quickly whisk the used bucket away, leaving an empty one behind. He leaned back in his seat and drummed the fingers of one hand against the wood of the table. “You’re welcome, by the by.â€
It was unusual, to say the least. These days most young ladies didn’t go out on their own, much less try to eat their sorrows away on their own. At least not at this time of day. So there was probably someone out there waiting on her, somewhere. He shook his head slightly - ruminations for another time, one that didn’t really change anything right now. This girl looked tough enough to handle herself if someone did try something, anyway. Or she would, if she wasn’t shaking a bit from her bout of upheaval, and the sugar rush. “Now then. If nothing else, I know sugary food probably turns the stomach now. You need something simple and plain. See if they have some wheat bread or the like. Help settle that roiling gut you’ve got going.†It was advice sore gained from one too many nights of troubled stomach himself - though her problem was not the same as what had caused his in the past.
Felicity was actually touched that someone had not only suggested the bucket, but was trying to help her out even more. The redhead sighed, letting go of the embarrassment induced anger. "... Thank you."
She ordered the white bread at the kind stranger's suggestion. Felicity leaned forward, resting her chin and muscular arms against the wooden table. Huddled, Felicity waited in somber silence as the waiter brought the bread. Felicity took a long look at the sad plate of the single plain slice of bread. After several long seconds of introspection, she reached out and took the bread. As she lazily brought it to her mouth, still leaning on the table, the girl glanced at the person still sitting across from her.
Ugh. People. Felicity was really starting to hate people. All people ever did was hurt her. Even the people closest to her. Why was Felicity so invested in them? Why this sorrow? Why was this stranger being so kind to her, when people were not kind to people? Felicity tried to be a kind person, but she failed again and again to the point of giving up. Yet, here this stranger was, being kind. She needed to know why. And she needed to know why the random act of kindness to a nauseous woman touched her so deeply.
"You know, you're not so bad…" Felicity took a nibble of the bread and slowly swallowed without much chewing, "What's your name?"
"Good, bad, it's quite often a matter of perspective. I mean that more.. Metaphorically than literally." Evian have a lop-sided smile as he spoke. "turning around won't make a good person bad, or a bad one good. Why will, though, is who is calling them good or bad." This kind of thing had been on Evian's mind a lot lately. Good and bad, laws and morals and the like. Being stared at by death walking tends to do that, apparently. "A knight might be a beacon of hope for his people, the ones behind his shield. They see the shining steel that guards them. But the men in front of his sword curse him and despise him. They only see the crimson-stained iron that ends lives." He shook his head to banish the morose thoughts.
"Sorry about that. Apparently I get philosophical or something when I've drunk too much." He hadn't drunk all that much, but no need to worry the girl with thoughts and ideas he was still struggling through in his own mind. Evian's lopsided smile straightened out, widening into a full grin as he tipped his mug towards the girl.
"You can call me Evian, little red." Fingers twisted, and rough wood met smiling lips as Evian took another drink of his mead before setting the mug down on the table. He turned in his seat, facing towards the scarred redhead fully, and leaned one elbow on the counter to prop his chin up on his palm.
"Now, it's far from my place so if you want me to keep my nose clear just let me know. But why are you here trying to uh, crush your sorrows in sugar? Hm, that phrase really does work better as 'drowning them.'" Evian paused a moment as he quipped, his lips quirking in thought at that. If she didn't want to tell him, that was fine. But something had to have happened for a girl who didn't even look to be out of her teens, for all her injuries, to be in a bar and trying to overdose herself on sweets.
Felicity scoffed, a sad chuckle of irony overtaking her. She pulled her head up a little as she listened to the young man monologue. He sounded quite like Shinsou in that way, she liked it. When he revealed his name, Evian, and asked how she wound up here, Felicity's mind reeled.
Where on earth would she possibly start?
Evian's monologue echoed in her mind. Felicity pushed herself up and took another small bite of bread. Her life was constant insanity, it seemed. And it just kept getting crazier. Perhaps, Evian's monologue could explain it well.
Felicity swallowed the bread and lowered it to the plate. Looking down, she repeated some of his words. "A knight might be a beacon of hope for his people, the ones behind his shield. They see the shining steel that guards them."
Felicity looked away, harsh memories rolling in her mind. "But the men in front of his sword curse him and despise him. They only see the crimson-stained iron that ends lives.."
Felicity directly looked at Evian with exhausted, somber eyes. "I always wanted to be a hero."
The bar was a faded background to Felicity. Arms folded on the table, she slowly blinked. "I grew up shunned and cursed for my existence. In a culture that valued war, power, and a family name. I grew up determined to become a hero. So no one would have to go through what I did, and I would be adored and praised and never treated cruelly again."
Felicity closed her eyes. So many memories flooded her mind. Running away when she was fourteen. Being forced to watch her first mentor become a monster, then losing the family she returned to at fifteen. Leaving the apprenticeship of a shady alchemist at eighteen. Finding a new mentor and joining his organization, becoming a general. Then, failing to protect her home. Now, at nineteen her new home had been destroyed, her potential lover had betrayed her, she had failed to protect someone she and especially her mentor were close to. And now, she had recently taken the very life of the alchemist she had learned under.
She opened her eyes again. "All I've ever done was an attempt at heroism. But nearly every choice I made was a selfish mistake. Every time I have ever tried to take the high road, I failed. I never meant to kill, but I have accidentally taken lives on several occasions. Once, I killed willingly."
Her own words sent chills up her spine. She visibly shivered. "I failed to protect my home, my loved ones, and the people who counted on me. I wasn't strong enough."
She sadly smiled, a hint of amusement flashing then fading. "Now, I refuse to drink. The one time I got drunk I regretted what I did. But I need a break from what I'm feeling. And the usual thrill seeking doesn't numb me much right now."
Felicity looked down again, eyes narrowed. She frowned a dull frown again. She once again reflected on Evian's previous words. "Good and bad are a perspective, huh? Would you mind listening to a story and giving me your perspective on it? Considering that we probably won't meet again, maybe talking to a complete stranger, complete outsider would help."
"Wanted to be a hero, huh?" So no one would have to go through what she did. Evian didn't know what exactly the redhead had gone through, but he did know something. He knew, intimately, the feel of cold steel and a clinical voice talking as metal met flesh and slid through it, the bands to hold him down chafing and tearing his skin as he thrashed. There had been no hero coming to his rescue, no one riding in to save him from the torments. His personal hell had never changed until he changed it. More than nearly anyone else, right now, she had reminded him of the hell of Salvar.
Slowly, slowly, Evian unclenched his other hand, the fingers on his leg having dug into his trousers as he was listening. This girl, she wasn't quite trapped by the rules and laws of society, just the ones she placed on herself. Except for maybe one. He didn't quite understand the reluctance to kill that the girl was showing - though, considering the way she had flinched when he was talking too much earlier, maybe he did. She didn't want anyone to see her as a monster. The dark haired man took in a slow, deep breath.
There was a serious juxtaposition between this redhead, trying to forget her past here, and the grizzled veteran he'd encountered recently. Evian lifted his hand up and gestured, rolling his palm out then back a few times. "Lay on, little red, lay on."
Felicity had noticed his tension, but was too caught up in her own woes to really reach for him. She leaned against the table again, understanding how cold and calloused she was becoming. She wondered if she really cared anymore. She took a long, deep sigh.
She began her story.
"I had gone through a lot as a little girl, but it never stopped my stupidity. I was fourteen when I ran away from home, with a mentor I never should have trusted. She offered power, and we seemingly found the answer in some alchemist. He had a serum he gave me."
Felicity grimaced, "He told me it was safe. He told me the side effects would be minor and I had nothing to worry about. He was a liar. He manipulated and whoo'd an impressionable fourteen year old into taking a deadly power, all just to further his own freak experiment."
Felicity looked down at her hands. "Every time I bleed, I get stronger. I physically get stronger, and radiation pours from my body. It burns, and it poisons without discrimination. It makes me rage, unnaturally, and attack even my friends in mindless madness. It's uncontrollable and frightening. He knew all about it, but hid it from me."
Felicity rolled her eyes, "I eventually became his apprentice in alchemy and botany. He told me we'd discover together what he already knew. He sent me on wild goose chases and kept me in the dark, so that I would stick around while he always took advantage of my cluelessness and powers."
She looked away, into the fire, "I could always tell he was shady. I disagreed with his business practices and left. I sort of dropped ever figuring my powers out until recently. They've been evolving again, and I'm scared of it. I returned to Daisuke, learned just how much he lied to me. He knew the ins and outs of the potion and never told me, only to perfect it and make it the ultimate weapon. When I finally saw the truth, I became so... angry..."
She reached up and grasped her forehead, "Turned out, he had hired another kid like me to repeat the process. He came in the same day I did. I got to witness his death to the serum injection, the injection I survived." She gritted her teeth, "Then he had the audacity to tell me he had a second injection for me to better control my powers. But I saw through that time. I had enough. That was it. I..."
Felicity's elbows pressed against the table as she rested her head in her hands. "I killed him. Willingly. I got angry, screamed at him and shoved my sword through his chest."
Felicity looked at Evian, "Tell me, do you think that's justified? Daisuke took advantage of a child, me, and lied for years. He experimented on me, twisted and defiled my very biology. These powers also poison my mind. If someone did that to you, would you kill them? To make sure they can't do that to anyone else? To unleash all the agony and make them pay for hurting you like that? Was it wrong, or right, what I had done? I have blood on my hands, and I spent hours trying but couldn't wash it off."
The scars along his back and on his head throbbed in burning in for a moment. Around them, close by, things that weren't weighted down started to rattle as they bounced in place. Evian was locked in place, every muscle in his body quivering with tension. It was only when he felt moisture on his hand, and looked down to see his mead sloshing in his mug that he realized that right now he had to calm down. The dark haired man took in a slow, deep, breath, forcing the rigidity out of his frame, deliberately forcing his body into a more relaxed state. As he did, the rattling around the eased, then ceased.
He held up one hand to Felicity then waved a waiter over after pointing at his mug. As the waiter walked over, Evian drained his mug, then the first refill the waiter gave him as the worker stared at him in a mild degree of shock. After a moment of Evian just staring into the mug, the waiter backed off, returning to other guests. Once the two of them were relatively alone, Evian looked up, locking his eyes onto the redhead's. Even with all he had done to suppress his anger, he knew it was still roiling on his gaze as he stared at her.
"Good riddance to bad scum." His words were hissed out between gritted teeth. For a few seconds that hung in the air between them before he took another deep breath.
"Little snowflake, that man not only subjected you to that hell, in front of your very eyes he murdered another person trying make them suffer it as well." His voice was rising and dipping, anger dripping from his words. The tension in his voice was making his accent significantly more distinct as he slipped on his control. "That does not include the countless people who would have already been put through the same experiments, who died out of sight, forgotten, with no one to avenge them. Only those who can remember them. Mothers and fathers never knowing where their children went, brothers and sisters growing up without a beloved sibling."
One hand splayed out on the table, joints turning white from the pressure. Never once did his eyes waver from hers, though. Never once did he even blink.
"Let me tell you a story, little snowflake. But this won't be a happy bedtime story." It was how his father had started stories, before everything went horrifically wrong. Evian didn't give her a chance to say no, or ask why. His voice dropped down, lowering into a cadence.
"Once upon a time, a lonely old man lived alone in a big, empty, house. Gone were the laughs, gone was the tears, gone was the joy, for his wife, his one true love, had died, and with it, his heart. All he had left was his fear, and his anger, towards what he thought had taken her. Like every other good Salvaran, he was a good, devout member of the Church of the Ethereal Sway. Little snowflake, have you heard of them? They're the shield, the ones who guard good, devout, honest Salvaran people from the evils of that most foul of existences." Here he paused, his voice gaining weight.
"Magic." The word came out with heavy depth behind it. It carried the weight of countless years of hate and fear. It stuck in the air, an almost tangible block of loathing given voice, given name.
"The lonely old man was absolutely, positively certain that his wife, his life, died because of magic, you see." Evian drummed his fingers in a slow tempo upon the wood of the table. Working through this, saying this out loud, even to someone who had gone through something similar, was nigh impossible for him. "But the lonely old man had a deep, dark belief. He knew, knew, he could beat the magic. He just had to figure out how. And he had been a doctor, a scientist, so of anyone, he knew he could do it. And wouldn't you know it he had the perfect little rat to practice on."
His scars burned again, stinging in remembered pain as he spoke. "Slice, slice, went the lonely old man. The cries of the rat never bothered him, because it meant he was figuring it out, learning how to beat magic. The rat should be glad it was of such use! Slice, slice, went the lonely old man. And scream went the rat." Evian's drumming stopped, his nails digging into the wood of the table, curling the varnish against his skin.
" Would I do the same thing you did, little snowflake? Well. The rat finally stopped screaming. And the lonely old man went to meet his beloved wife." Evian reached out and drained his mug of mead again. When he finished, he stared at her again, blue eyes intense.
"Sometimes blood shouldn't be washed off. Sometimes it is a badge of honor. Sometimes the only way to stop a monster is with another."
Disturbed.
Felicity sat in shock, sickness. Once again, she felt the urge to vomit. She lifted her hand to her mouth, eyes wide. Tears slipped down her cheeks and off her jaw. Evian's life story was, well, horrifying. Further more, his ending comment about monsters beating monsters reminded her too much of her old teacher, who had become exactly that.
Felicity's previous dead inside state was stripped away. Wow, she felt something. She was the same sensitive girl she always was. Evian's story brought her to tears. Oh, how she hated to hear people suffering like this...
It took her several minutes to swallow the bile in her throat, to stop the tears from preventing her from speaking. At long last, she spoke.
"I'm sorry you went through that."
The words were spoken with sorrow for Evian, rage towards his abuser, and a sense of sympathy. Felicity thought she was a victim of experimentation? No, she felt nothing compared to Evian's physical agony at a stronger man's hands. Felicity looked down at her hands, which felt numb and twitchy.
"So... I did the right thing? Killing him? Even though he had a family? I knew his son and daughter in law, far more decent people than him. They're probably grieving his death right now."
Felicity looked away, "I lost my family to death myself. Can you understand why I hate killing? Robbing someone of air and leaving their loved ones to suffer like I have. Yet, I did that. Carelessly blew up a ship trying to disable cannons, my powers flaring up and losing control in slaughter, and now this."
"But you're right," Felicity reached up and rubbed her eyes, "He was a terrible person. He toyed with lives and treated his patients like cattle. I loathed him with every fiber of my being. Perhaps, he deserved death."
Felicity winced though, doubts still flooding her, "But I still can't be proud of it, even if it was the correct course of action..."
Once again, images of her old mentor flooded her mind. Her post traumatic stress disorder struck again as she steadily panted, heart beat racing. "I... I understand where she was coming from now. And I don't like it..."
"Hush, little snowflake." Evian reached over and dropped his hand onto her head, pressing her hair down. He could see her breathing speeding up as she lost herself in thought. "Sometimes there is no 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do. Sometimes the only choice, what's right for you? Or, what is the choice you can live with?" He hummed for a moment. Even telling his story like he did was cutting into him.
And he had left out parts - that the lonely old man had been the father of the rat. He'd been no lost foundling, tricked and taken in. It had been his own father who wielded the knives, the syringes, the tools that haunted Evian's past. That, at least in part, the man old man's experiments, like the one done on her, had been successful. No, she didn't need the added knowledge or the pain that knowledge would bring her.
"Say you hadn't done what you did. You saw him kill another, trying to replicate what happened with you. If you had not stopped him there, permanently, do you honestly think he would have stopped? Or, would he have tried to make promises, tried to cajole you into letting him go? 'I won't do it to another, just let me live' maybe? No. They would have been empty words from meaningless lips, and as soon as your eye was away from him, he would have returned right back to what he had been doing." His own father certainly wouldn't have stopped. Evian knew that much.
"In taking his life sure, you may have saddened his family. But you stopped him from saddening countless other families. Death, killing, is not always the right answer. But it is also not always the wrong answer. If you can't be proud of his blood, be proud of the blood you have stopped from being spilled in the future."
Felicity teared up again as he assured her. It was the best course of action. Felicity shuddered. She had saved people, yes, from further abuse. Still, she looked down at her hands. Was she proud? Being a hero had been something she craved for so long. The responsibility that came with it always crushed her.
She did not want to be a hero anymore.
She melted onto the table, arms hugging her as she rested her head on the table. She shuddered, yearning for escape from the misery. Everything replayed in her mind, her whole life. Her shameful circumstances of birth, her wretched heritage, running away from the only family that loved her, her powers, her old mentor becoming a monster, her family's deaths, almost losing Shinsou Vaan Osiris, the fall of Whitevale, her night of grieving passion with the man she was sure never loved her, losing Remy, killing Daisuke...
She had nothing but regrets. She wanted it to end. Now.
"I don't want to feel any of this." She admitted, "A want to be numb. Food doesn't do it, will adrenaline? Will physical pain? I can't... I can't do this... I'm done playing hero."
Her back throbbed, "I feel so much weight on me. I did the best I could, but it's never enough. I want to run away. From everything."
She looked up at Evian, "My only purpose now is protecting the one person I have left. But even then, I feel guilty cause I know I failed and will fail. I'm not strong enough, no matter how much I train. I feel so guilty, for everything."
She closed her eyes, feeling so many emotional wounds bleeding out in their shadow ache, "I just want to go numb now."
"Evian, tell me," Felicity pleaded, "How do you move forward when you have only felt guilt, loneliness, and shame your entire life? I can't be proud of anything. I am ashamed of everything."
For a long moment Evian held his gaze on the redhead, studying her with probing eyes. She seemed absolutely devastated right now. Then he looked down at his empty mug, rolling it around slowly in his hands. Silence hung between them, broken by the intermittent noises from the rest of the bar. Finally he looked back up at her, his eyes dim.
"For me, it was deciding that I didn't want his legacy to be what I was known for. So I ran, I fled and hid, and escaped. Then? It was just a matter of survival, one day to the next." He chewed on his lower lip in thought. "Finally I figured that I wanted to see what the world has to offer. What else is out there that isn't that hell hole." His eyes narrowed.
"I can't tell you what you should do to keep going. Instead, I'll ask you this, red. What are you going to allow to control you? Fear? Regret?" One hand raised up, index finger pointing towards her. "Or are you going to be the one in control?" He set his mug down again. "You seem to think of yourself as some kind of abomination. All I see is a redheaded girl who is lost and doesn't know what to do with her life. So what if you failed? Unless they're some kind of actual inhuman monster, everyone has failed. Failed at keeping a promise, failed at doing some task. You've lived past your failure. So are you going to let it keep controlling you? Or are you going to learn and grow, so next time that doesn't happen? Because let me tell you this. If fear is king in your heart, be that fear of yourself, or of others, of failure- it will always win." Each of his last words were accompanied by a jab of his finger at her face.
"If you try, you may succeed. You may also fail. But if you don't even try, you will always fail."
Forceful, demanding, provoking. The way Evian spoke reminded her of Shinsou's harsh yet supportive teaching style. It reminded Felicity of the night Leoric was enraged by her masochism and tried knocking some sense into her.
"Accept the past, don’t agonize or regret the past." In the night, in the training yard, Leoric spoke down to her. The dim moonlight left him as a dark silhouette against the night. "Accept it for what it was, a trial to strengthen you and prepare you for what you need to do."
Felicity's tears doubled. It was all the same thing. Over and over again. Grow and move forward. Felicity's fears had controlled her for many, many years. She was never good enough, she was never strong enough. She had not been conceived in love. She was unloved. She grimaced, struggling to see the light.
She whimpered, "I..."
She looked up at Evian now. His words pierced her, leaving her silent. Oh, this problem and the agony that came with it.
"One step at a time," she mumbled, "That's all it takes, huh? One more try..."
She closed her eyes, shaking, "That's all I can do, huh? Face the fear and fight?"
She scoffed, "Not easy..."
"All you can do? No." Evian snorted. "You could give up, too. That's always a choice. I know for some, it gets to be too much, and that's the only choice left to them, or so it feels." He sighed and reached over, rubbing the kid on the head as she shuddered and shook with her tears.
"There is not some fantastical solution to the problems, where you can just flick a switch and everything is OK. You have to work for it, red. You have to decide if the things you want from life are worth trying for. Whoever it is that you're thinking of - are they worth your time, your effort? Are they worth you pushing through your fear and your pains? Or -" He sat back, and ran one hand through his hair.
"Or is the fear more important? Is it too choking, to strangling? Because if you live, strangling yourself like that, you'll end up exploding. Be that a sudden decision in the dead of night to end things, to let go and give up, give in. Or if you cling to life, and rage consumes your fear and lashes. Fear feeds anger, because you grow to resent the things causing you fear." He hummed softly, looking up at the ceiling. That had, in the end, been what happened with him. The terrors wrought by his father had eventually gotten to be too much, and the dam inside of himself had broken, his rage bursting out and bringing the walls of their home crashing down onto the lonely old man.
"You're still young, little snowflake." Evian's voice was soft. "Your life isn't over unless you decide it is. You still have time to grow and learn. Find those you can reach out to, who support you. Because I'm sure they're there, waiting for you."
Felicity rubbed her eyes as Evian spoke. Strange stubbornness overtook her as yet another harsh memory knocked in the door of her mind. Shaking still, Felicity looked up at Evian with a hint of steadfastness.
"I almost ended it once. I was only saved by the chance of making contact with my closest friend." Behind the tears and sorrow, determination could be seen finally shinning in her eyes. "I refuse to give up again."
Felicity slowly pushed herself up, her back still throbbing. Evian still had a gentle hold on her as her head lowered. "I keep hearing the same thing. From anyone who helped me, I kept hearing the same thing. The same thing you told me. Shinsou, Leoric-..."
She shook her head, "-But Leoric isn't worth the energy anymore. Only Shinsou."
Felicity leaned back in her seat, hair still hanging in her face as she rubbed her eyes. Evian's hand lowered as she left his reach, "I almost gave up, and I gave into my anger enough times. I regret it all."
She started pushing the hair away from her face. "I have one purpose, and one person now. I can start with that."
Yet, doubts echoed in her mind. Leoric. Oh, Leoric... Was he actually worth the pain? She still struggled, she was still confused. Did he actually care? Should she ask? Felicity placed her hand on her forehead, feeling the headband she wore there. She dare not face him. Was there another way? Felicity shuddered. What was worse? The fear if him having not loved her, or the lack of closure that stretched out towards eternity?
She blinked, returning her attention to Evian.
"For a stranger, you've somehow said all the right things to me, Evian." Felicity's fears and traumas still danced in her mind, causing her to want to hide. "One of these days, hopefully the past won't repeat itself again. I'll make sure it doesn't if I have to."
"There you go, little snowflake, that's the attitude. The only person who can change your future is you." Evian nodded once to the girl. He'd seen the way her face flickered as she mentioned these other people, but he had no way of knowing who they were. They were clearly important to her though - even the one she claimed wasn't. He saw the way conflicted emotions danced across her face as she spoke. The redhead didn't exactly have what one could call a 'poker face'; instead, her feelings were put on display almost as soon as she felt them in her heart.
There was some resolution there, now, a determination. For what, he didn't know. Instead of pressing, though, instead he gave her a lopsided half-smile, one corner of his mouth twisting upwards. "Might be a stranger, snowflake, but that doesn't mean I don't get it. I may not know exactly what is going on in there," he gestured towards her head, "but I've been in a similar place. I've been in a morass of fear. Fear of others, and of what I can do." The smile turned slightly pained. He was trying to get control of that power of his, but it was still so volatile. It was part of why he lived away from everyone else, even here, where magic wasn't hated and feared.
"But if you want my suggestion on where to go next or what to do next?" His expression hardened. "Visit two families. Your torturer's - tell them what you've told me. Put that piece of your past to rest one way or another. Then, his last victim's, if you can find them. Give them the closure they need on their child's fate, and what happened to his killer. Then, well. Find those people you mentioned, and figure out where you stand with them, and they with you. Knowing for sure, will always be better than having doubts in one direction or another. Either you find yourself pleasantly surprised, or, you know you can let go and move on."
Felicity shivered.
Face both families like that? Especially Daisuke's? John and Angela were great people, but John was stubborn and Angela was sensitive. Would they forgive her? Would they call the authorities on her for justice?
It would hopefully be easier to find the victim's family. Nicodemus Vash was a Sinai, a Naurim. Their kind were unique and easy to spot in Scara Brae. She could face them. She could tell them that their son had died, she could not stop it, yet she avenged his death. She could do that, could she?
Then... He suggested closing the question of Leoric. Finally getting the answer and moving from there. Felicity's sorrows felt endless here. She was terrified of knowing he never cared, yet yearned for him if he did. Regardless of how he had treated her when they met. Felicity closed her eyes, her chest screaming from the way it had been shattered by him. Let the pieces get ground to powdered dust, or start to heal. Felicity knew the first step, at least. She had never opened the present he got her before they parted. Should she open it now?
Was this all about closure? She never had felt closure with her family's deaths. Now, the question was raised - did she prefer lack of closure, or potentially bad endings?
Felicity opened her eyes, gazing upon the man, Evian, who had the kindness to help her tonight. She smiled, thankful. He had restored a small portion of the faith she had lost in people.
"Thank you." Felicity told him, earnest and deep. "I owe you a favor, if you ever need it."
Evian waved one hand, as if brushing aside the offer. "I wanted to help someone in need, snowflake, that's all. I won't be so crazy as to say everyone else in my position would have done the same -" a grizzled, clouded eye flashed through the dark haired man's mind, "- but not everyone is solely out for themselves." It wasn't much, he knew. Just words, even if the redhead felt them resonate with her, in the end they were just words. He couldn't hold her hand as she sought out her closure, it was something that she would have to do herself.
He pushed himself away from the table the two were sitting at and stood up, slowly stretching out his stiff, locked up muscles. Bending over, he reached down and picked up his gear, slinging the bow and its quiver over his shoulder before hoisting up the sheathed spear. "Keep looking forward, Snowflake. Don't let the past lock you down. All that leads to is more fear and suffering. You can't change what has already happened, all you can control is what you do next." He gave her a full smile.
"Maybe next time we meet, you'll be able to greet me with a smile on your face instead of tears and anger in your heart. Chin up, and keep on." With a slight incline of his head to her, Evian headed over to the bar and paid both their tabs. Covering the amount of sweets the girl had inhaled and, eventually, regurgitated was the last kindness he could do for her this evening. That done, he headed out onto the streets, where, after a brief glance upwards to check the stars and moon, he set off, long legs eating up the ground as he made his way back to his camp.
Felicity sat at the table for a while, watching her lonely piece of bread as Evian's words continued to speak to her, long after he was gone.
Eventually, Felicity got up. Leaving her bread, she walked over to the counter to pay for the ridiculous amount of sweets she had consumed.
"The hunter already paid your tab, lass."
Felicity smiled. "Of course he did, didn't he?"
Felicity walked up the stairs, towards her room. Inside, all her bags and equipment were carelessly, apathetically, thrown on any surfaces they landed on. Felicity closed the door and walked over to her large travel bag. She reached inside and felt around. Her ice mirror, late cousin's talisman of Trisgan, and alchemy books all were shuffled around until Felicity finally rested her hand on a wrapped present.
Felicity pulled the item out. It was a small wooden box, which fit neatly in her hand. The box was tried with white ribbon and clothed with green wrapping paper. Had Leoric gone for green on purpose, knowing it was her favorite color? Felicity gazed upon the present in her hand, remembering Leoric's final words to her, after the mess of the bedroom, tears, and blood they endured.
"It will all make sense someday."
Felicity started to cry again. Leoric had gotten her this present, one of the many acts of kindness he had shown her. Was it more than just kindness? Was there love? Before moving on, she needed closure. Evian was right. She could not face the Toivonions yet, but she could find the victim's family. And, of course, she needed to take care of this.
Felicity pulled the strings off, letting them fall to the floor. With a shaky finger, she tugged at a loose bit of wrapping paper. Then, she tore it off, leaving nothing but the closed, smooth box. Felicity carefully unclipped the latches, then, after long last, opened the box.
When she saw what was inside, she started bawling.
Name of thread: Freak Experimentals
Participants: Flamebird and Reytac
Rewards:
Flamebird receives:
1680 experience
140 gold
Reytac recieves:
1320 experience
180 gold
Inclusive of Stonevale Bonus.
All rewards have been added.