Mommy Issues

Mommy Issues

Closed to Philomel.

Felicity Rhyolite had grown up in Corone. Sure, she was born in the winter chill of Eiskalt, but Corone was her true home. Of course, since the Apocalypse, it had not been what it used to be. As she traveled the dirt road, carrying her possessions on her back, she stared in sadness at the feilds. At this time of year, tall grasses and flowers would be dotting the open hilly feilds of this region. The lack of decent sunlight led to the landscape instead having short, weak feilds of green and yellow grasses. One or two flowers popped up in defiance here and there, but they were the brave ones.

Felicity sighed, coming to a stop in the middle of the road and looking around. She was positive she had taken a wrong turn. It had been over five months since she had been transported to Salvar during Arius Mephisto's assault on Whitevale. Felicity had braved the snowy wilds and paranoid peoples of Salvar to get back to Corone, back to Whitevale, her home. It had been quite the journey, but it was not over until she returned to Whitevale, was back with Shinsou, and defeated Arius once and for all. It was her drive, her purpose. She would not stop until it was done.

Still, she was positive she had made a wrong turn. The road to Whitevale was smooth enough, but up ahead Felicity could see a serious of large boulders.

Wait, she thought, I can climb the rocks and get a better view!

She took off in a sprint towards the boulders, determination and anxiety soaring in her chest. Her bags, equipment, and weapons clanged irritatingly as she envisioned a man in a white trench coat.

"I'm coming!" She panted, "I promise!"

Eventually, she made it to a tall boulder, more like a mound, in the grass dotted plain. She tore her equipment off, leaving just her oversized shirt and brown pants. With reckless abandon, she started to scale the steep rock. Physically mighty and powerful, she was easily strong enough to hoist herself up and grapple the rocks. As she climbed, she grew hastily irritated. She gritted her teeth, struggling to climb the loose stones and stay up. A rush of anger caused her to snap, and she thoughtlessly reached and pulled up. Her anger cost her, however, as the rocks completely gave away and she found herself falling from the rock.

"Wha-"

A stinging could be felt in her hand.

Don't tell me... I cut myself climbing...

She fell to the ground, unharmed. Rocks fell like rain around her as she lifted her hand and witnessed the smallest of cuts in her palm. That was all it took for her powers to activate, and for her to loose her cool.

She let her hand fall to the ground as she heard the crumbling of pebbles around her.

"Oh, I'll never get home at this rate..."

~~~

Eventually, as the dim sky glowed pink above her, Felicity made it to the top of the rock - after putting on thick gloves, of course. Atop the boulder, Felicity looked around. Indeed, she could see Concordia's deep forests from several miles off. Between them and here, the same dull plains and winding roads. Felicity could not recognize this part of Corone at all, and it frightened her. How did she stray this far from her goal? Frustration festered in her as she turned and looked in the other direction. She saw, in that moment, a ray of hope.

Amongst the towering stones, half resurrected feilds, and dots of trees, there was a single, lonely house.

If she could talk to the residents of that place, she could get an idea of where she was! She leapt and slid down the steep boulder. Reaching the ground, the retrieved her things and started in the direction of the cabin.

Little did she know the storm she would face in the near future here...

How long had it been?

Weeks, if not months, of walking through cold streets at night, praying under the stars for guidance. She had neither committed to battle, nor declared any serious campaign of late. The Gilded lily, after the meteor had struck and the treaty formed with the Brotherhood, had become dedicated to rebuilding society, and that was what Philomel's attentions had been on mostly for the late while. That, and the declaration by the crew of her ship, the Feisty Fox, that they were now thing to go it alone and be independent.

Which was fine. It was days and weeks ago now. Besides, philomel has new, much more recent and pressing matters on her mind.

Or rather, on her tummy. In her tummy, really, which was now quite impossible to hide on her fine musclef physique.

Another baby. And this time entirely unplanned, and she had no idea who the father was.

Once again after was alone. At least, in her terms. Veridian would never leave her be - he was her soul'd other half after all. He sat on her shoulders as she traipsed through the long grasses, saying nothing but being an ear to hear her sighs. Beneath them, inevitably, deep in the belly of the earth, dug the mighty wyrm dragon, Delath, whom she has adopted long ago, and had been blessed by her goddess. But quite if she was blessed now, quite if this child, like her daughter, was a gift from Drys, Philomel knew not.

She had received no response from Drys recently in her 'why' prayers and she was beginning to feel like this was all that terrible thing she had heard of.

A 'test'.

As Felicity drew near the house, she could feel her sense of magic starting to flare. What is it?

She blew a loose strand of hair from her face as she diverged off the path, walking towards the direction of the magic. Hopefully, it was a person. Hopefully, they were friendly enough to be of help to her. As her alchemist's satchel bounced over her waistline, she found herself in a grassy field where the house was still in walking distance. Indeed, she saw a person there. She... looked familiar...

A purple haired woman with the upper frame of a human and legs of a goat. Her purple, curled hair covered her face as she caressed the fur of a fox with gentle care. Felicity realized that, indeed, she was familiar. Remembering one of the more friendly encounters she had in the Citadel, Felicity raised her hand and waved as she called out, "Philomel!"

Philomel! She had first met her in the Citadel, but knew her as the leader of the Gilded Lady - which currently had a Treaty with the Brotherhood! She was positive by the way Shinsou talked of her when the Gilded Lady was brought up that they must know each other somehow as well. This, however, was where only speculation began on Felicity's part. Still, she was an ally. Of course an ally would be able to help! Felicity approached her, footsteps soft yet weighed down by a day full of travels.

The part barbarian, part fiery furnace was not someone she had expected to see out here in the wild fields. Yes indeed there was some small house or two here, smoke rising like a kite on the wind - but that did not mean Philomel has expected to find someone she knew. Least of all a close acquaintance of ...

Shinsou.

Felicity what's her face. Roulette, or Riot, or Rosette. Rye-something. Red hair. Infamous temper. Some powerful ka-boom ability. Impressive, certainly, if the faun had been wanting to test her mettle, or stand beside her in battle. Not someone you wanted to see while you were deciding what to do about the baby in your belly.

Felicity waved, happily. Philomel groaned. Oh no, she was going to have to wave back and then there would be an expectation of friendliness and awkward, " how have you been?" banter. Not exactly what the faun was used to these lonely days.

Crap she thought as she raised a hand and waved back.

Veridian laughed silently, his foxy features curving upwards cheekily.

"Hi," Philomel said uneasily, not sure how to be happy at the moment. "Hi."

As Felicity ran up to Philomel, she noticed that compared to the spunky fox, Philomel looked drained. Her weak wave and short hello did nothing to hide a level of emotional and physical exhaustion Felicity was unaquanted with. Felicity knew exhaustion well, due to her constant PTSD enduced nightmares, but Philomel's magical energy felt... Bizarre. Why? Felicity's smile had hastily faded. Curiousity and concern took over as she noticed a small bulge in Philomel's stomach. Was that what she thought it was?

She needed to confirm, but felt too awkward just asking. Closing her eyes, Felicity expanded her magical senses. Taking in the world on a magical level. The fox was bright and free, with a flaming magical aura far exceeding his physical body. It reminded Felicity of the Phoenix of legend, and Felicity had to force her to not become enamored with it.

Philomel's magical aura was a lot more complicated. Earthy and natural, Felicity could smell and taste the natural elements of the earth. Wrapped with a complex personality, the aura was swirled with bubbling complexions of disgusted, saddened waters and bizarre elements and pheromones. Yet, in the center of Philomel's incredibly complicated Magical Signature, she saw another magical reading all together. Another, smaller person. Magic pure and unaffected by the world, yet still already shaped by a level of personality even now. Yes, this confirmed it perfectly.

Felicity opened her eyes to the physical world again. She was taken aback for several moments, while looking down to see that the faun's stomach was indeed swollen due to pregnancy.

Was this why she was so distraught?

"You're..." Felicity ventured, "Not doing well?" Felicity hesitated before adding, "You need to keep healthy, for both of you."

Philomel watched the human-ish's eyes travel down, the startling green dropping down to the faun's abdomen and coming to rest where that small but noticeable bump now was. How long had it been now - four, maybe five months, give or take some lord and viscount clients. Philomel had thought herself to be alone one this trip, hence not taking time to wear exceptionally baggy clothes, and instead she had on her more usual cotton blouse and material wrap for a short skirt. Her natural fur covered her goat legs enough.

Uneasily, she ran a hand through her locks, patting her horn almost in an uncomfortable way as Flamey-birdy spoke.

Did she have anything to do with birds? Definitely there was fire in her hair and personality, but she wasn't flighty, she couldn't fly ...

Ugh, Philomel muttered, stroking Veridian briefly before she smiled nervously.

"Uh, yeah, uh. Both of us. Yeah Veridian is healthy ..."

Although that was completely not what Flamebird meant. And Philomel knew it. With a sigh she patted her stomach. "Yes, I'm in the family way. It's ... Complicated. I have no idea who the father is and have no idea how it happened. I use a method of contraception that's been working for me for years and ..."

Suddenly she stopped gushing, feeling the tears eek at the corners of her eyes, threatening to fall. "I'm sorry," she said with some pain in her voice. "I just get so emotional right now. I've no idea how it happened, how I was such an idiot and I've not told anyone yet. And all of this, and the fallout after the meteor and Shinsou just disappearing randomly whenever he wants, despite apparently being loyal to me. Ugh!"

She threw her hands into the air. "So, how have you been?"

This was... a lot to take in.

As the faun cried her eyes out, Felicity was struck with feelings of empathy. Felicity knew the feeling of being out of control and alone, though her situations were insanely different.

Still, as harsh memories of Arius Mephisto's attack on Whitevale flashed in her mind, Felicity sat down in the grass. First thing was first.

"I was there when he disappeared." Tears flooded her eyes, "I'm sorry I couldn't stop it..."

Felicity gulped, trying so hard to be the composed one between the two. "Arius Mephisto attacked, and we couldn't stop him. I - I saw him teleport Shinsou, against his will, somewhere!"

Felicity reached up and wiped her eyes, "I got teleported myself. To Salvar. It's taken me over a month to get back." And it took me yet another month, staying with Leoric. It's been way too long...

Felicity had been ripping grasses out of the ground this whole time, being under such distress. She had not even noticed until now, looking down to see tufts of grass ripped out and spots of cold dirt.

"Just like me, I know he's trying to come back. I just know it. I don't know what your relationship was like, but, Philomel," Felicity looked up at her with a smile, leaning forward, "He has not abandoned you."

Felicity leaned back, trying to wrap her head around the second topic of the child. Felicity was not going to make any comments on a sexual lifestyle she thought was abhorrent. Well, of course you got pregnant sleeping around like that! You're not like Leoric, you're a girl. Ever took biology courses or had that talk with your family? You can get pregnant, you fool! Sex is how babies happen! What a strange, new concept!

Still, with a sigh, she could not deny that another thing crossed her mind. Not knowing who the father was, unplanned... Felicity had been an unplanned child herself. Harsh emotions swelled and swirled inside as she remembered her own mother, cruelly.

"No! Get away from me, wretch! I don't have a daughter! Never have!"

Felicity grimaced, her emotional disturbances clearly visible as tears formed in her eyes again.

"You... Love that child, right?" Felicity recalled the young, pure magical signature of the child Philomel was carrying, "Right?"

Love? Love?

Philomel looked down at her bump, her lips forming a little frown as she thought about the suggestion and the word and the meaning. Slowly, the faun blinked, not sure if she was bemused or irritated by the question, or something else entirely. Because it wasn't something she had expected to be asked by anyone. It wasn't something Veridian had asked her, that she had asked herself, that she had even thought about, really. Most of her thoughts had been consumed over the dilemma of whether or not to have it.

"Well I uh, I do usually take a herb that keeps me from ..." She shook her head. "But I ... I'm not sure ..."

Roughly, clearly stressed by the question the emotional, pregnant matriarch thought about what the red head had said earlier about the Arius character and Shinsou. Now that made her worry. What if he was the father?! It was certainly possible! Now he had been kidnapped by the very monster that had threatened them all before. I mean it was so typical of him to exit with that much drama, but -

Ugh. Ugh ugh, she didn't need that to deal with too. He had better make his way back to her, otherwise she'd get very, very angry. At him. And you didn't want a grumpy, pregnant faun angry with you.

"That's a complicated question," she finally answered. "I - I'm not even sure I'm keeping it. Celandine is enough work."

Even though, of course, Celandine had a full-time governess now and had spent the first five years of her life being raised by others.

"What!?"

The clear shock and emotion on her face, as if facing her own betrayal, was too obvious. The burning look in her eyes, the way she gritted her teeth under a saddened frown. Disappointment, disgust, and that familiar rage were exclaimed in her pained voice as her eyes began to swell with tears.

She should have known that a prostitute would have no care for her offspring, if she could not even care for a single partner to stay loyal to. After all, she was positive Leoric had never loved her. It was repulsive! Feeling sick, Felicity clenched her fists as her face turned red.

Unwanted. Uncared for. Unloved. Felicity remembered her few harsh memories of her own 'mother' as she struggled to find words. Panting, Felicity glared at Philomel with a face screaming of frustration and injustice. This was an injustice. Felicity could forever feel the absence of a mother in her life, especially her birth mother. Especially, she could feel the scorn and hatred of the woman who should of been her caretaker and comforter. She could feel the spite. To this day, she was wounded from it.

The innocent signature of that child. No. No, that angel was too sweet to be cast away from love and warmth. That child. That precious child...

Tears fell from her eyes and dripped from her jaws. Still, she could not find the words to describe this oldest agony of her life. She could not find the words to beg Philomel to reconsider this. All she felt, all she could feel, was the rage on behalf of this beautiful child being forsaken.

Felicity's mouth opened. Her eyes dilated as she did not speak, but scream. A scream, like a wild animal dying in a forest. A horrible, wretched scream that echoed across the Coronian fields. The scream lasted long. Her throat burned and her voice cracked before it died down. Feeling the urge to just attack Philomel, to hurt her, but sane enough not to do so, she just turned around and kicked up a tuft of grass before stomping off.

Of course, she had no idea where she was going. She was still lost.

Quite painfully the scream hammered around Philomel's already hormonally manic brain. She made a face, screwing up her eyes and mouth to a little clump of lines and dimples and made a groan. It was blood curdling, the yell and definitely not what the faun had been expecting. Pressing her hands lightly to her ears she lived out the worst of the banshee wail, as Veridian one her shoulder dug his claws in and let out an agitated hiss, his till quivering.

As it faded away Philomel watched the young woman stomp across the grass away from her and her beloved, clearly upset by her last words. Surely the decision was Philomel's? It was her baby after all, and she had taken care to not get pregnant through her methods that had never failed her in the past. To have this baby would make things complicated, especially as she couldn't exactly be sure when it happened. For fauns menstruation didn't exactly come like clockwork, or for some not at all. Like other animals they absorbed the point of the womb back into the body predominantly, so didn't need to curl up in agony once a moon cycle. So knowing when the baby was concieved wasn't exactly ... Exact.

"Flameo ... Birdy," Philomel sighed as she started after the redhead. "Please don't ... Do that. I have a lot of teams why I can't ... Couldn't have it. Shouldn't. I already have a daughter and she ..."

Celandine had been raised for the first five years of her life in a brothel, under the management of a brother and sister duo who had kids of their own. Much like Philomel herself she had known the facts of life early on, having been exposed to it, but also hidden away from those who might seek to hurt her. Eventually Philomel had come of course to claim her princess, but evening then had been planned. Celandine was her heir, and deliberately so. This one ...

Well this one was an accident.

"I love my current child, if that's anything," she said as she hurried after.

The moment the words departed Philomel's lips, Felicity swung around to face her. Scowling, eyes filled with venom, she threw her arms as she screamed and shouted.

"So what! Love one child and abandon the other? No! That makes it even worse! You call yourself a mother?"

A heavy stomp slammed into the ground, causing it to squish under Felicity's tremendous strength. Throwing her weight around, Felicity's face grew from red to redder as she spat in repugnance.

"How on the Thayne's green earth do you think loving one and abandoning the other is okay! Your poor son will live his entire life wondering why he wasn't deserving of his own mother's affection!" Oh, yes. Felicity had seen through her magic sense that this was indeed a boy. A precious boy who needed protected and loved. If not by Philomel, then by herself. Felicity had stayed around Leoric and Kylie long enough to see the young girl well and taken care of before she set off to Whitevale. Felicity was starting to wonder if she was destined to be the babysitter of Althanas. Yet, if it prevented children from going through the same abuse she had gone through, she was willing to bear it. Right now, however, Felicity flung accusations like she flung her body weight. "How dare you! You rotten, selfish person who sleeps around for kicks! What is wrong with you! Leaving your child, like my mother left me!"

Tears started to flood her eyes. How could she not go to her own past? Her visions of rolling grasslands was distorted as she felt salty teardrops slip down her cheeks and upon her lips.

"Because what! What did I do to be deserted! Sure, I wasn't conceived in love, but it wasn't even my fault! And it's not your son's fault either! He's innocent! And he needs his mother! Like I needed mine when the entire world hated me! She just hated me alongside with it!"

Taking a step back, trying to keep herself from grappling the faun she felt such anger towards, Felicity's hands vibrated in tension. Felicity's feet pounded against the soft earth below. She had no idea how to put this pain into any other words. All the pain was twisted into bitterness and resentment as she glared at the faun with a face contorted in anguish, sorrow, and deep heated hatred. "You disgust me, Philomel!"

With that said, the empty winds of Corone's countryside tried to fill the silence with soothing sounds. They failed miserably.

That was ... Unexpected.

Philomel looked down at her belly, her grey eyes focusing on the enlargening bump. Her chestnut brows rose as she swept back the braided mane of her purple and brown hair, surprised, but also calm.

A boy. Interesting. She had been imagining a rosy-cheeked girl just like Celandine had been, and still was. Lifting her hand to her shoulder she scratched Veridian under his chin and the fox leant properly into her touch. A soft purr came from his throat as she thought, and considered.

"I'm a different person to her," Philomel said softly to her companion. "She hasn't lived my life, been through what I have, seen what I've seen and had to do the things, make the decisions I've had to make. It was better for Celandine to not grow up in my violent world, where I was still establishing a safe haven for all."

She twisted her head to look at her beloved. "Right?"

Veridian smiled a fanged grin at her, enjoying the petting, but he gave no wisdom more than that. The faun, confused and struggling huffed and shook her head.

"I'm a terrible mother. I had Celandine to establish a legacy for myself, for selfish reasons. I'll willingly accept that. But this ..." She sounded astonished, "boy is ... Well he was never planned. Expected. I don't know how to ... Where to start." And she kept gazing down at him.

The cold winter snow drifted gently outside the window of the carriage. The child beamed as the looked outside. She had never been on an adventure before! Finally, she was away from her wooden house in the rural village of Deerhorn. She had traveled the mountainous roads and trenches of Eiskalt, down to the valley with her uncle and cousin. Apparently, they were going to meet Felicity's mother. She had moved to Unum soon after she was born and left her in her uncle's care. What was her mother like? The three year old jumped in her seat in anticipation. She would finally meet her mum!

"Felicity, please." The girl stopped jumping and turned to her uncle. He was reading a book at the other side of the tarp covered carriage. "Don't rock our ride."

Felicity let go of the cold window panes and lept, letting her bum slam into the seat. She heard her cousin chuckle next to her as her uncle sighed and continued reading.

Jonathan, Felicity's feisty older cousin, wiped some of the fog from his own window. "We're close. Should we..."

Fulcrum Rhyolite looked up from his book. "Yes. Felicity?"

"Aww!" Felicity muttered as scooted towards the edge of the seat. She hated bundling up. From next to him, Fulcrum pulled out a long shawl and leaned forward, wrapping it around her frame.

"Remember the rules, dear?" He asked as he took a cloak and pulled it over everything else.

Felicity reluctantly nodded. "Never pull down my hood. Cover my hair and forehead so no one knows I am half neanderthal."

Fulcrum pulled out a scarf and gently pulled it over her head, pushing her hairline back. "And why is that?"

Felicity blinked, twitching her left hand. Two months after being attacked in her own front yard, and she still could not feel her twisted pinky. "Because humans hate neanderthals, so they'll try to hurt me."

Fulcrum nodded with a soft, sad look. "Good job, sweetheart." He pulled the hood of the cloak over Felicity's head. There was still a chance some could take notice of Felicity's green eyes, but it was a detail they simply could not hide. Felicity slumped, feeling a tremendous weight for such a small child.

A harsh bumping started as the carriage stopped. Fulcrum and Jonathan exchanged expressions Felicity was unable to read.

Fulcrum blinked, "We have arrived."

Felicity lept down from her seat immediately, "Hooray!"

Fulcrum gasped as Jonathan leaned forward hastily. "Felicity, remember not to draw attention to yourself!"

Felicity looked up from the snowy ground, feeling a bit dashed. "But I'm so happy! I'm going to meet mummy!"

Jonathan gently took her shoulders, "I know. Just try to stay calm. So unlike you, I know..."

Once inside, Felicity was lead through the dark gothic halls of a large house. Shadows covered her. The Nixstella windows offered little light in the cloudy, snowy gloom. Eventually, they made it to a small room where a woman stood. She was physically fit, yet seemed old and tired. She pushed her long, black hair back as she gazed at Felicity's uncle.

"Fulcrum?" The woman took a step out of the shadows, then ran to him, "What are you doing here?" She hugged him quickly, her gothic dress flowing, before stepping back.

Fulcrum smiled, "I missed you, Roswitha-"

"-If you had not taken a new name in the mountains," Roswitha scorned, "We could be sister and brother here. Rhyolites."

Fulcrum shook his head, "You know I can't take that name again. For many reasons."

Names? Rhyolite? What was all this about? Felicity wanted to see her mom! Then again, the words spoken, of sister and brother. Perhaps..."

Roswitha frowned, "I suppose, I still have to accept that." She turned to the two children, "How's Jonathan?"

Felicity's cousin smiled, "Great! I plan on joining militia training next year, I'll be a great warrior!"

A soft smile spread across her face, "Spoken like a true Rhyolite. Hopefully, you can take in the name you've lost, at age."

Then, Roswitha looked down at the girl. Discomfort seemed to shine in her eyes, sending chills up Felicity's spine. "Who is this? Don't - don't tell me you brought-"

Felicity took a step forward, desperate, "Are you my mum?"

Silence. Some kind of uncomfortable silence. Roswitha grimaced, tearing up, "Fulcrum. What have you-"

Felicity was desperate. This had to be her mother! The toddler reached up for the rags on her head. She broke the rules. This was her own mother, after all. Maybe she would recognize her more if...

Felicity tore the hood back, pulling off the scarf. Red hair flowed in the dim, cold room as the girl took another step forward. She beamed, "Mummy! I'm Felicity!"

The woman took a step back. Why? Why was she flinching? Confusion took the girl as she reached out. She ran, wanting her mother so badly. "Mummy-"

-*pow!*

Felicity found herself dazed and on the ground. a stinging sung in her cheek. What? She looked up to see Roswitha staring down at her with... with... anger and disgust.

"How dare! The audacity!"

Felicity was shell shocked as Jonathan ran and sat next to his cousin, "Felicity!"

The woman screamed, "Fulcrum, how could you! How could you bring that-that creature into my own home!"

Fulcrum was shocked as well, appalled and silent.

"I spent enough time growing that parasite for nine long months! I thought you would have the decency to kill it! But you brought that abomination before me! And it spoke to me!"

She turned away, "That is not my so called child! It is a neanderthal monster! Take it away! Go! All of you! You betrayed me today, Fulcrum!"

Felicity stood, disturbed by her memories. Her own mother's words swirled in her mind as she stared at Philomel. Tears fell. Tears of agony, tears of betrayal, tears of anger.

Felicity's tears slipped down her cheeks and off her jaw. They pounded against the ground as Felicity shook. She... she could not take this anymore. Philomel. Philomel was just like Roswitha, the woman who gave birth to Felicity, but never acted as a mother.

Felicity gritted her teeth, hissing.

"Philomel!" Felicity took a step forward, screaming, "How could you! How could you be so stuck up and selfish to abandon the most helpless of people! Your own son!"

"Felicity," Philomel tried to speak, "Listen-"

"--No!" Felicity barked, venom sharpening her voice, "You listen to me! Me! The girl born from two warring races, through rape! The abomination hybrid who was nothing but a pest! The neanderthal brute!"

Felicity took another step forward, hands shaking, "I was raised by my uncle! My mother wanted nothing to do with me! She hated me and disowned me! She struck me! I was three!"

Felicity closed the distance, screaming into Philomel's face as tears gushed out. "It hurts! It hurts so much! What had I done to deserve that! I never asked to be born under such circumstances! Every day I wish I was a normal human she could have loved! I never asked to be conceived like that! It wasn't my fault! But I was punished!"

Felicity grabbed Philomel's shoulders, shaking her. Her breath brushed against her face as she cried out, "I wasn't to blame! But I was punished! Why! My mother struck me when I tried to hug her! Why! She called me a parasite! She called me a creature! An it! Why! All I wanted was a mom, but she cursed my existence! Why!"

Felicity squeezed the faun's arms, "And here you are! Doing the same thing to your son! Why! You say he was unplanned! You say you can't make room for him! Why! Are you so selfish! His entire life he will wonder what he did wrong and what was wrong with him! Why! Tell me, Philomel! Why! Try to justify this! Try to justify abandoning your helpless, innocent child and leaving him to shame and inadequacy! Try! But there is no good reason! How could you do this to us! How dare you! Why! You disgusting, putrid-! You-you!-"

Felicity kept on screaming, demanding. Crying, asking. She was not only speaking to Philomel, but to Roswitha from years ago. Why? How could they do this to her and the boy growing inside the faun's stomach? How dare they? Why...

She didn't know what to do, or say, or feel, or look. Veridian too curled up close to her neck, golden eyes wide, shocked as much as she was.

The wild red hair of the girl they knew but just as an acquaintance through others and through some simple fighting in the Citadel, seemed to dance as Felicity let her anger burn. The air around the seemed to shimmer from the fury of her words, spitting out like sharp thorns that stabbed into Philomel's soul. As she listened, as she let the half-being just rant with no interruptions, Philomel Bethany to feel an odd wetness beginning to slip down her cheeks. It was like the time she thought Shinsou had been dead. It was like the first time she had lost Veridian and had not known he would return to her. It was like the many, many times that abused and neglected women had told her their haunting tales of pain and suffering.

Felicity ... Was just like them. She was just like another one of her Gilded Lily girls, except this time her situation directly related to Philomel. The story, the agony, the emotions - they were clear as crystal, raw and unhindered. They were a sign to the faun, a message that she could refuse to take in, or allow it to change her life.

"I need to ... But-"

"Listen to her," Veridian whispered softly, quietly, his own years slipping over his white muzzle. "Listen to her, Philomel. She is right."

She is right. She is right. She is right. She. Is. Right.

She WAS right.

"Damn," Philomel whispered, as she let Felicity go on and on and on and on and on. Clutching the bump before her she started at the ground as the tears fell.

"Dam," she said as she swallowed against the heavy guilt.

"Damn," she murmured as she was stabbed by they in the memories of how she had belly raised her daughter.

"Damn - oh!" She cried in surprise, as she felt a strong and definite kick!

... "-How could you do this! Why are you so cold! A mother should love her children! My mother despised me!"

Felicity's face was blue from the lack of oxygen. Screaming and crying so much, she has neglected to gulp in air. Felicity let go, panting between back throbs from bawling. Breathing heavily, Felicity collapsed next to the faun. Both were on the ground now, exhausted. Felicity's mouth gaped open as she gasped for air. Lightheaded. Felicity slowly returned to her reeling senses. She looked up to see that Philomel was crying as well. "Damn..."

Felicity looked down, seeing visions of an open wound in her chest. Blood poured out from her chest like a water fall. It flooded the ground, choking the grass in thick turrets of sticky crimson. Felicity slowly and heavily drew breath, watching the wound penetrate the very light of the morning, bathing her in misery. Felicity blinked, tears no longer flooding her eyes. She no longer saw the wound, but she still felt it. It hurt far worse than any physical damage ever done to her. And Felicity had taken a lot of physical damage before.

She reached up and clenched her heart, shaking. The voice of a broken, exhausted little girl came from her lips.

"I would rather have taken all the physical torture in the world than how my mummy treated me." Felicity lowered her head in sadness, "Physical wounds heal in time. But this hasn't. I don't think it ever will. Nothing makes this right. This is agony. Philomel, please, I'm begging you..."

Felicity looked up to the faun slowly and with effort, "... Don't do this to your son."

Philomel allowed herself to gently fall onto the grass, sorry wet with dew. Sniffing a little she wiped her nose that was more dripping horribly, and rubbed a hand over her belly. Arranging her legs beneath her more comfortably she took a few moments to gulp in fresh air and try to get her heartrate back to normality.

She had been a crap mum to Celandine. That much was clear now. But how to live her life with a baby boy, in a fortress of women, with her work that required her to constantly travel? Would she need to get a nanny then? A wet nurse? Indeed the boy would be sheltered within the Gilded Lily Fortress, but what else? How often would he see her? Was she really wanting to commit another to the offer Celandine had - barely close to her mother, and most of her life arranged by a governess?

Now Philomel thought about it she felt worse and worse, Felicity's tale causing the guilt to grow. It was thick and muscusy, but maybe it was healthy. It was giving Philomel time to think now, to allow herself to be more ... Humanoid.

"I don't even know where to start with being a mother," she admitted quietly. "I don't ... My daughter was raised by others her whole life. I don't know how to raise a child."

Sniffing again, feeling very lost and fragile, the faun gazed at the woman whom she had both fought with and fought against. "What do I do? What should I do?"

Felicity's tears watered the grass below. As Philomel slumped, asking questions, Felicity looked up at her. She looked back. Looked back to her life without a mother. She shivered, despite the temperate climate.

"My uncle did a great job raising me. My older cousin was the sweetest big brother. But I knew something was missing. I never had a mother, and it was lonely." Felicity reached up and started rubbing her eyes, "I never had any kind of female role model until I met my first mentor. That ended in disaster. Philomel, I have this advice to you..."

Felicity remembered the time she spent with Kylie, the girl Leoric and Felicity had rescued. Kylie was back in New Brookshaven with Leoric, and Felicity knew Kylie likely missed her. She remembered knowing nothing of being that female role model, yet doing everything she could to love on the young teifling

"Be there," Felicity said, "Just be there. And love them. Hold them, guide them, cherish them. Protect them, love them. Always be there to support and correct, keep their best interests in mind. Not what you want, but what they need."

Felicity once again thought of Kylie. Oh, Felicity had needed to leave. Whitevale needed her, and Felicity had stayed in New Brookshaven for way too long. Felicity had vowed to visit, but she felt guilty herself for leaving the child. Yet, Leoric adored the child and Felicity knew the orphan was in good care.

Of course, Felicity blushed just a little. Felicity's own feelings for Leoric had a way of taunting her. He was a player and a jerk, yet Felicity had fallen for him. Felicity gave her head a firm shake, then looked back at the pregnant faun.

"Be there and love them. That's what I would have wanted. Don't neglect, don't leave them alone and be absent. Be an ever present force in their lives and let them know how much you love them. Nothing else matters, just your daughter and son."

Felicity could not chase the nagging thoughts away that she was being a hypocrite. She had showered Kylie in attention and affection in New Brookshaven, but now she had left. Was Felicity even meant to be that mother to her though? Leoric had a buffet of women he could coddle, why not one of them? Felicity shuddered in spite and jealousy. She looked at Philomel, trying to focus on her more.

"I have no idea how a mother works, I never had a positive female role model. But I would have wanted the advice I just gave you."

"I can a positive role model," she said with some certainty, knowing it to be true. At least she had been told that she was plenty of times. Her whole past twenty years had been dedicated to empowering women to the point of independence. Over half of brothels in Radasanth now thrived under her Matron scheme, where the whores essentially were self employed and were able to keep a healthy profit of their earnings after paying room and board fees to the brothel. Her army also was fully trained, and had a strong reputation, especially after the Siege of Radasanth and it's attachments to Whitevale. So empowering people, being a good role model was what she was all about.

Although was she that much of a motherly role model? Had her passion for power and ambition to be known in the world actually overtaken her ability to be a good soul? Had her all of her desires caused her to actually make mistakes in life? All this carelessness that others pointed out she had made, caused by her apparent lack of confidence and concentration as the world had become more complex around her ...

Life had become outrageously difficult and costly recently, sacrifices needing to be made far too easily.

"My mother ... My own mother was a whore. Trapped in a horrible world by her - we called them the Bosses." She sighed, sinking into the grass and letting Veridian slip from her shoulders. "Her name was Lacey. She met a faun who came to hire her once. He got her pregnant, paid her freedom fees to the Boss, and that was my father. He kept her in a small flat and was horribly abusive. One day," she ran a hand through her hair as the words continued to tumble out. "One day he just disappeared, and so she took me back to the brothel - it was called the Hidden Tiger. Or the Crouching Dragon. Or both. Anyway I grew up there, and was ... Well owned really. When the Boss did nothing to react against my mother being raped by a patron I killed the rapist, the Boss, burnt down the brothel and took my mother somewhere safe."

She looked up to Flamebird, sorrow deep in her eyes. "What was I to do but swear vengeance on every man who did a woman wrong? That's where I began, and here I am now - a general, a Matriarch, a ... Well. A woman."

"I can be a positive role model," she said with some certainty, knowing it to be true. At least she had been told that she was plenty of times. Her whole past twenty years had been dedicated to empowering women to the point of independence. Over half of brothels in Radasanth now thrived under her Matron scheme, where the whores essentially were self employed and were able to keep a healthy profit of their earnings after paying room and board fees to the brothel. Her army also was fully trained, and had a strong reputation, especially after the Siege of Radasanth and it's attachments to Whitevale. So empowering people, being a good role model was what she was all about.

Although was she that much of a motherly role model? Had her passion for power and ambition to be known in the world actually overtaken her ability to be a good soul? Had her all of her desires caused her to actually make mistakes in life? All this carelessness that others pointed out she had made, caused by her apparent lack of confidence and concentration as the world had become more complex around her ...

Life had become outrageously difficult and costly recently, sacrifices needing to be made far too easily.

"My mother ... My own mother was a whore. Trapped in a horrible world by her - we called them the Bosses." She sighed, sinking into the grass and letting Veridian slip from her shoulders. "Her name was Lacey. She met a faun who came to hire her once. He got her pregnant, paid her freedom fees to the Boss, and that was my father. He kept her in a small flat and was horribly abusive. One day," she ran a hand through her hair as the words continued to tumble out. "One day he just disappeared, and so she took me back to the brothel - it was called the Hidden Tiger. Or the Crouching Dragon. Or both. Anyway I grew up there, and was ... Well owned really. When the Boss did nothing to react against my mother being raped by a patron I killed the rapist, the Boss, burnt down the brothel and took my mother somewhere safe."

She looked up to Flamebird, sorrow deep in her eyes. "What was I to do but swear vengeance on every man who did a woman wrong? That's where I began, and here I am now - a general, a Matriarch, a ... Well. A woman."

Philomel's story was gruesome as they came. And Philomel had decided on a path many would praise. Rise from the ashes, claim a crown in the wastelands. Make a kingdom and rule. Felicity herself had been on that path. Her hero complex was in the heights of testing. Felicity wanted to help people, to stop suffering. She also wanted to be honored and praised, to never be shunned again. Yet, hearing Philomel's story, a strange fun house mirror of her own, Felicity's eyes were opened. What did she truly want? To be the proud general of the Brotherhood of Castigers? To be a beloved hero? Or did she want something simpler? Her feelings for Leoric danced in her mind, as did her affection for Kylie. She remembered leaving them for Whitevale, when she had been so torn between duty and love.

Duty and love.

Felicity had always mixed up the two until now.

Her eyes widened, her back straightened as she muttered in a sense of wonder, "Vanity..."

Felicity remembered her old mentor, before Shinsou Vaan Osiris. She remembered Ashla Icebreaker, who had become the Executioner of the Wicked, Ayleth. Like Philomel, Ashla chased vengeance and validation. It had turned her into a wretched monster.

Felicity looked up at Philomel, "Revenge, power, kingdoms, pride... It's all vanity. I get it now."

Felicity leaned forward, determination flooding her. The true reason for returning to Whitevale, Felicity realized, was her personal attachment to Shinsou. She had been told before, by Hayate, that the Brotherhood was nothing compared to Shinsou. Felicity understood this. She valued the lives in that city, she truly did, but her love for the teacher who gave her meaning again mattered even more.

"It's all vanity! Nothing of that matters, nothing! The only thing that matters is love. Love. Love for your friends, your family... Nothing matters but that, Philomel. And that's why I'm going to Whitevale. Shinsou means too much to me for anything else to get in the way." Not even Kylie and Leoric?

Felicity reached out and placed her hand on the faun's shoulder. "What truly matters to you? Gold, revenge, and glory? Or the lives of your children? Loving them and them loving you?"

Philomel looked up at the young woman, her eyes blazing at mention of Shinsou.

"You go to Whitevale for him? To find him? Felicity," she breathed out slowly, shaking her head and frowning. "That man is good at heart, but do not throw everything in with him."

Lips pursing she looked over the fields to where Whitevale lay, somewhere beyond the horizon, but a city she herself had visited once long ago.

"Did you know that after the war and the meteor that he pledged himself to me and the Gilded Lily? But shortly thereafter he disappeared. He is my lover, the one man I thought I could be happy with, but ..."

She sighed, shaking her head. "The Brotherhood was wrong to attack Radasanth. You are wrong to throw your lot in with them. Yes they gave you a home and a reason, I am sure but ... They killed innocents. And not to mention all that mess with Arius."

Arius. The man who had threatened their very being, who had been anything but righteous and had been Shinsou's right hand man, but ended up deceiving them all.

"Don't. Go there. Come with me," she looked right up at her, eyes wide as the idea formed.

"Felicity, come with me to the Gilded Lily and show me a better way to live."

Felicity winced, listening to Philomel's side. Could she be detered now? After so much? Felicity reached up and grasped her forehead, more jaded and confused than ever.

"I wasn't there when Radasanth was attacked. And to be honest, it scared me to hear about it." Felicity looked away, "Shinsou didn't mean to disappear, none of us did. Arius transported me to Salvar in an instant, I watched him teleport Shinsou someplace too. I failed to protect him from Arius, that's why he disappeared. It was my fault. And I've spent the last several months dragging myself from there to here. The reason I'm alive is that drive to reach him. I've lost enough already, I'm not betraying now because I feel something different."

Felicity glared, "He's one of the few people who has ever believed in me. He gave me so much, how can I turn back now?"

Images of Leoric and Kylie flashed before her eyes. Oh, Leoric. "I... I'm in love myself with someone. I wish so much that I could have abandoned it all for him. These last several months I've been tugged between him and Whitevale. But I doubt I could ever have him, and I know Whitevale still needs me. There's innocent people in Whitevale, just like in Radasanth. It's my duty to protect them. That's why I left once again, to return home. Philomel, I can't join you. Just like I wouldn't let myself chase him. If I left the Brotherhood, the first place I would have run is his arms..."

Felicity looked away, "But didn't I ask you a question? What is better; gold, glory, and revenge or the love of family and friends? I can't have the man I desire, but I will have my teacher by my side again."

Well, she had offered. And the offer would still be open to someone beloved of Shinsou. No matter what had happened the asshole of a man would still be the one that made Philomel's heart pound. Anger, fury, hatred, passion, frustration, regard, desire - oh Drys the desire.

"When you are tired of playing their games you know where to come," she said gently. "Go to any brothel that bares the White lily and tell them the Nightingale calls for you." Nightingale. The meaning of Philomel.

She rocked back to a comfortable position and thought of the questions Felicity posed. Love, honour, family. They were indeed important, and things that Philomel had either denied herself or lacked. And too - the young redhead had divulged that she had experienced love. Then why was she so determined to find Shinsou? Determined to deny herself happiness? But then Philomel was something of a hypocrite here. She herself was not running after the man.

"Love is complicated for me. I was trained as a high end courtesan - I sell love. Or sold it, really," she pulled her hand through Veridian's fur, as the fox curled into a ball at her hooves. He purred softly.

"I was trained to convince others that are in love with me. It was an act for years until I met Shinsou. I hardly believed it was real, actually."

She sighed. "Therefore, I do not know how or where to even start. I don't know how to be a good mother. It's nothing I've experienced."

Felicity raised an eyebrow at Philomel's cynicism. She considered everything involving the Brotherhood some kind of game! She did not get love in the slightest. So, she looked down to the ground. How to explain? ...

"I have little experience with romantic love, and I still doubt I'll ever find it in the man I crave. But... That's not the only kind of love there is."

Felicity looked at the fox curled up with Philomel. She pointed at the ethereal mammal, "I bet you love your companion there."

Felicity lowered her hand. "I experienced it with my uncle and cousin. They loved me. They loved me enough to completely move to a different land because I had no future in the one I was born in. My uncle provided for me, even when I was an ungrateful child. My cousin defended me and stood between me and harm. They loved me."

Felicity leaned forward, "I experienced it with friends. People like Nevin and Yvonne. They acted in my best interests, even at the costs of themselves. Yvonne faced her fear of magic for me. And Nevin comforted me when I broke down. That was love too."

Felicity smiled, "What is love? Love is a boundless attachment, deep feeling of passion and affection. You'll sacrifice anything for the ones you love. You'll gladly put yourself through grief to act in their best interests. You will protect, teach, and comfort for them. You will thirst for their presence when they are gone, and you will cherish when they are near. I have felt so many emotions. Hatred, sorrow, terror. But love is stronger than all of those. You will find the strength to face them for those you love. When I speak of love, Philomel, I speak of this. Agape love. True, deep affection and passion for friends and family. Love is the reason I'm still moving forward, regardless of what I've faced in this cruel world. I would do anything, lay down my very life, for Shinsou, Kylie, and even the man I desire..."

Feelings. She knew a lot about feelings.

And Veridian. Huffing a little, her attempt to recruit Felicity done, the offer to change the girl's life over, Philomel rocked to her hooves. Remarkably, this conversation was going better than could be expected. The faun felt something now for the little moving life within her belly, and one of those emotions was indeed guilt. There was a pang within her and loss for not having a strong relationship with Celandine, her daughter, as she could have had.

The fox kept snoring, his side's heaving up and down, quite happy in his state. Keeping her eyes on him for a moment Philomel took some time to organise her thoughts before she replied.

"Veridian and I are connected in a way beyond what anyone else might understand. We are siblings in the soul, our spirits are kin. It's hard to explain, but my Goddess whom I serve, Drys, told me so. He was, and always will be, my beloved. When he does I feel such pain, such a sense of loss that it feels like my body is being rent in twain."

Her hands settled over her stomach, as she gazed up at the redhead with her slate grey eyes.

"If you will not come back with me, Felicity, then promise me one thing. Take care of him and take care of yourself. If it comes to it that his life is in danger again, then I pray that you get him out of that. Do what you must."

She nibbled her lip, perhaps being a fool for asking such a thing, but if the barbarian of a girl was truly passionate about staying with Shinsou, then Philomel had to ask.

"And do not tell him I requested this. Just ... Keep him out of trouble. Though he's stupid enough to get himself into it anyway."

Then she thought. "Could you take a letter to him for me?"

Felicity nodded, determination flooding her. "Absolutely. You didn't need to ask me to watch over him. I already was going to."

Felicity blinked as the faun got up, asking one final favor.

"Write it down. Quickly." Felicity stood up, "I'll deliver it to him myself; and make sure he reads it."

In the grassy field, Felicity reached up and pulled her hair out of her face. She had purpose, regardless of what her mother had done to her. Felicity could only hope that Philomel understood that she had to watch over her son. She gazed upon the pregnant mother, wind rustling their hair, "And point me in the direction of Whitevale, please? I'm hopelessly lost."

With her hand wrapped over the bloated womb that encased her son, Philomel looked at Felicity, a small and dad smile on her face. Though the warrior had rejected her offer of joining the Gilded Lily Philomel knew she would continue to be interested in her life, no matter how rude Felicity was. And short-fused. And annoying. Her tenacity though inspired the Matriarch and above all she favoured strength of heart.

Taking out quill, ink and paper from her pack she settled to write a note to the man who was her lover.

Quote:

---

Shinsou

I pray to Drys this finds you well.

I have come across your progidy in the fields by Concordia, both of us at a crossroads apparently in our lives.

She tells me you are alive and well, although I would have appreciated that coming from you. She has also persuaded me to keep my son.

Indeed I am pregnant, although I have little idea who the father is. It could be one of many people, including yourself. I make no demands of you, or ask you to claim anything - above all, he will be my child - but it is by your right I make you aware.

That and stop disappearing on me. I miss you.

I love you. Despite it all.

Philomel

---

Folding the letter up she quickly pressed it into a square. She had no time to melt sealing wax, so tucked one end into the other and passed it to Felicity.

"Get this to him safely. And Whitevale," she nodded and pointed towards the setting sun. "It's that way. Take care of him, even from himself. I will call on him when I need him."

She smiled a little, "thank you."

Without a single peak at its contents, Felicity took the letter and secured it in her satchel. Taking the directions to Whitevale to heart, she stood up. Her purpose was out in front of her: Shinsou Vaan Osiris. He had trusted her as a general to save Whitevale, that was what she would do. Regardless of the cost.

Felicity turned to the direction Philomel was pointing at. Ah, she would walk, run, to it. She turned to the faun a final moment and nodded, "You're welcome, and thank you."

Felicity returned the small smile. Despite her disliking of the faun's choices and life style, she knew that she was not a bad person. The letter was in safe hands, until received to Shinsou.

"Good luck."

Felicity packed her luggage and swung it all on her back again. Once situated, the redhead gave her a small wave, then turned around. She ran off, far away. She was finally going home!

She could only hope that home was waiting for her...

No Judgment Requested

Philomel Receives 4,000 EXP and 240 GP
Flamebird Receives 2,400 EXP and 240 GP

All experience has been added.
*Agreed with Reht*