The Story of a Miscarriage (my personal take)

The power of the Almighty summoned me to his heavenly presences. I awaited with eagerness in my chest as I knew he was sending me to Earth, to a mother, a family that would love me dearly. I couldn’t hardly stand still as I awaited my Lord and Savior to grace me with the message, His message.

He walked in, humble and with such grace it almost took my breath away. His smile was like seeing the sun after having been in the dark for months, it warmed me through and through. He stood in front of me and looked down on me with such tenderness I thought my knees would give out for sure. As if he knew that I needed his physical support his arm wrapped around me and began to walk, guiding me.

“I have a task for you, my child.” His voice was strong but kind as he gazed down at me with wonder.

“You are giving me a family,” I interrupted with excitement but frowned at my forwardness.

He stopped suddenly, the look on his face saddened slightly. He placed both his hands on my shoulders peering into my eyes, the windows of my soul. “The task I am giving you will not be easy, my child. I am only sending down to be with your family for a small amount of time. You will then return to me.” He must have seen the pain and confusion in my face as he continued. “The mother I am giving you will only carry you for a small time and then she will lose you in a miscarrage and you will return to me.” His hand caressed my cheek, wiping away the tears that I didn’t know I had started to shed.

“But why, why God would you do this to me- to my mother? Is she not worthy to have me? Am I and her to be punished for sins that were done? Will this not make her question her faith, or even question you?” All these questions swirled in my mind, my heart raced with anticipation. Could he not just change his mind, I have been waiting so long to have a family- a mother.

“Yes this will have her questioning her faith and me but most of all this will make her stronger in the end, this will make her cherish what she has been given in time.” God’s words rang true but the pain I felt hurt.

I nodded at my Lord and Savior in agreement that I would take on the task he had given me and I would do it with as much grace as I could. With that he placed a simple kiss on my forehead and sent me to be with my mother, even if only for a brief moment.

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God had granted me a task and as the days passed my mother had learned she was carrying me, she cried with joy as having just faced cervical cancer and a surgery to rid her of it. The thought of children in the far distance and having been granted this miracle that was me. I wish I could tell her that our time together would be brief but I would cherish it always. I could hear her voice, by the grace of God. She rubbed her stomach so affectionately at night, speaking gently not to wake my father that slept next to her snoring. She spoke of my brother, Kamdyn and of how I would have many cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents that would love me. She spoke of a future as if I would have one.

I heard her on the phone talking to my aunt, Jessica. They both exclaimed that they wished me to be a girl and how excited in a few short weeks they would know. My mother set up appointments, things called ultrasounds that would allow her to see me and she started taking medicine. She sounded like such a great mother, excited and organized with setting it all up by herself. Thanksgiving had passed, she ate lots of yummy food and blamed it on me though I was only the size of a pea. It was almost time for my mother to see me for the first and only time she would, alive and healthy.

The day came and she filled her bladder as instructed, she danced back and forth as I could hear my aunt Jessica joking with her about how badly she had to pee. They saw pictures and I was measuring behind and I could hear my mom argue with the lady taking pictures, her heartbeat quickening. The lady pointed out my heart beat but said she couldn’t pick up on it long enough for my mother and aunt to hear. They left the appointment and I heard my aunt Jessica ask my mom, Kayla if she felt better knowing I had a heart beat. My mother simply nodded and said sort of yes.

It was a few weeks after the ultrasound and they had announced to the rest of the world that I was in my mom’s belly growing. She should have been close to ten weeks but they didn’t know that I had stopped growing shortly after the ultrasound and that the cramping my mom was experiencing three days before Christmas wasn’t growing pains but her body getting ready to cleanse itself. That night my soul left her body without her knowledge and I was greeted at heaven’s gates by God himself. He wrapped me in my arms as I sobbed quietly, for my mother's loss but also my loss as I would never know the people that she told me about, the family I had wanted so badly gone so quickly.

God cradled me in his arms as we watched my mother leave a family Christmas early after she started bleeding, my papa speeding to try and hurry the two hour drive they had before they made it back to hospital in the town where my mother lived. My mimi told my mom to try and relax though she knew that would be really hard. All my mother could see when she closed her eyes was how much blood there was on the toilet paper. She prayed fiercely and silently to God, when I looked up our Lord was crying with me- with us. We cried with my mother as she sat in the hospital bed alone after telling my father to stay at work since he only had an hour left of it. We all sobbed as she was told that my heart no longer beat and again when my dad arrived and she had to tell him.

God and I cried with my mother on the day of Christmas Eve when her body had released the small part of me she had left. God went down to be beside her and smooth her hair from her face as she curled up in a ball in her bed and repeated how sorry she was to me that her body had done this to us. To this day we still watch over her, we were there the day that my sibling that she lost in April came and joined God and I. She gave myself the name Miley and my heavenly sibling the name Jamie, such lovely names they are. So now Jamie and I watch over our family through this hard time again. We lay healing hands on our mother as she heals from the surgery where she lost Jamie and God is with her though she has questioned him a lot lately in all the things he has tested her with.