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  1. #11
    Member

    EXP: 9,940, Level: 4
    Level completed: 19%, EXP required for next Level: 4,060
    Level completed: 19%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,060


    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    992

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    With every breath the spellsword took he tirelessly defied the young lord and by the looks of things Hayate’s time had run out. He felt his own teeth crumbling behind his tight lips as the Corpse King broke his off against Shinsou’s impenetrable defense. The pain was unreal, it felt like Hayate had just been roundhouse kicked right in his face. Tears threatened to pour from his eyes as he fought to keep his composer.

    What was there left for the young fighter to do?

    This man’s skill was clearly leagues beyond that of his own and the young lord knew it. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Shinsou knew this also as he basically had been toying with the boy from the start. It wasn’t a matter of speculation at this point whether or not Shinsou had ulterior motives but Hayate had to know what they were. He had to know exactly why this man was playing this game with him.

    Stand down my friend, you’ve done well. Hayate thought allowed knowing only his avatar would be able to hear him.

    Don’t give up now master. the avatar answered defiantly.

    Stop there is no point in you enduring this anymore than you have to my faithful companion. Please allow me to learn from this mistake and improve upon what we have learned. You have done more for me here today than you may know. Hayate had decided to spare his partner the pain of enduring Shinsou’s final attack and without warning dispelled the magic that kept his blade in its avatar state. The monstrosity of a creature near instantly faded from existence and returned once again as Hayate’s blade Yamato sheathed on his back.

    In that very moment the young lord felt the spellblade’s last ditch effort to kill him land on its mark. A much more slender chain of the same magic as before soured though the air before it wrapped tightly around Hayate’s neck. As the links of his dark matter touched him the samurai could smell his flesh charring as it not only tightened greatly but melted his skin. At this point Hayate had been used to pain and didn’t give it much of a second thought as he stared down his assassin.

    He would remember this face for as long as he would live.

    Shinsou was a regal man who was not only able to keep up with Hayate but simply out classed him in every way imaginable. It pained Hayate to admit this but this man was easily more powerful than the Shogun of Akashima. This man was who stood before him currently draining every ounce of his life was someone more worthy of the support of his clan than the man they fallowed now. The question still in the back of Hayate’s head killed him and filled him with more anxiety than ever.

    Who was this man?

    “Who are you…” he managed to say just before he passed out.
    Last edited by Hayate_Amatsukami; 05-30-2018 at 12:10 AM.

  2. #12
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    As the Phalanx chain delivered the coup de grace to Hayate, the world tumbled and swayed violently before Shinsou’s eyes. There was no cause for celebration, and there wasn’t time to think, react or even speak. The Telgradian was suffering from a devastating trauma wound on his left hand side, and the blood lost from the sheer effort of remaining in the fight had reached a critical point. As the motor neurones and synapses in his body shut down wholesale, Shinsou crashed to his knees and with him dragged the lifeless corpse, still fused to him, to the floor. The tangle of battered bodies was now only fit to plummet into the infinite void below.

    There was a rush of air, then absolute darkness. A few minutes passed before Shinsou Vaan Osiris’s golden eyes opened, peeling the oblivion of death away to reveal the frigid, miserable greys of the ceiling of the Citadel’s medical wing. His limbs felt heavy and cumbersome, and as he rolled over, a monk hung over him for what seemed like an eternity. Another man was by his side, although he couldn’t yet distinguish him.

    “Welcome back. Please, do not move too much. We are still healing your wounds.”

    The voice was muffled, as if spoken underwater. It was always the same with the Citadel after a fight. The Telgradian hated this part of the process the most, where the Citadel’s unique magic messed with his brain and made it struggle to make sense of anything. He’d always look down upon himself, stunned to see there were no wounds. Checking himself twice, thrice, and once again after, it would take a few hazy minutes before Shinsou realised he was completely clean of any cuts or blood thanks to the the Ai’Bron attendants.

    "This is most unusual," A familiar voice sailed over the bed as a pair outstretched palms hovered inches from Shinsou’s body. "I can’t remember the last time you got this badly beaten.”

    Osiris’s face contorted with confusion, before finally realising he was listening to Soap. “To be fair, you weren’t there to see what Rayse Valentino did to me in Radasanth.”

    "So, what did you make of him?" Soap continued in a substantially hushed tone. "He’s a tough one, isn’t he?"

    Shinsou turned his head entirely, staring the Brotherhood contact in the eyes. His mouth tightened into a smile.

    “He reminds me of a younger version of me. Brave, full of heart, but rash. His decision making needs some fine tuning, too; he was far too quick to close me down without assessing my capabilities. That being said, if I had bothered to fight at full power, he would last longer than most. Especially with the ability to summon that giant bastard, too. Which, by the way, you could have warned me about.”

    “Hey, I know how much you like surprises,” Soap muttered, “Who am I to stifle your training?”

    Shinsou shook his head and sighed. “But yes, he impressed me. By the way, Hayate seemed extremely irritated that I knew who he was, and wouldn’t explain myself. The truth is, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t tell him. What’s his deal?”

    "He’s the head of one of the four noble families in Akashima," Soap responded, rising to his feet. "He didn’t get there by accident, either. He’s tough, he’s smart and he’s dedicated to his duties. The reason he was irritable was probably because you wouldn’t explain anything to him, and he was worried that you’d probably go around blabbing about the fight. He comes from a proud culture. Hayate was supposed to be on the family premises, in the unlikely event the house needed defending. It wouldn’t do him well being in the Citadel if something unfortunate happened.”

    The Telgradian straightened his neck, drawing back his head before brushing down his white coat. The monk hung precariously over him, putting the final touches to the healing process. “That explains quite a bit. He’s got some rough edges, but I’d like to see if I can turn his head. The kid has a bright future, as long as he gets the right guidance, of course.”

    "Well, good luck," Soap continued as they exited the room together and continued down a sloping, torch-lit hallway. "He’s still here, just down the corridor, if you’d like to speak to him."

    With that, Soap nodded before waddling off to other duties more suited to a man of his shady disposition. Silence once again descended over the one of many labyrinthine Citadel corridors as Shinsou pondered the day’s events. The Citadel, the proving ground of Althanas, had revealed much to him. Hayate Atsukami had given the Telgradian cause for further thought. The warriors had left the arena, but there were questions to be answered and futures to be decided.

    What had started as a training session had left Osris with the machinations of destiny to contend with.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 05-31-2018 at 04:47 PM.

  3. #13
    Member

    EXP: 9,940, Level: 4
    Level completed: 19%, EXP required for next Level: 4,060
    Level completed: 19%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,060


    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    992

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    Are you okay master?

    Hayate woke up suddenly surrounded by a team of monks bathing him in a thick radiant white light. The magics of the citadel were far beyond anything the young lord had ever seen before in his native Akashima. He had come to in the middle of the healing process and could feel his wounds stretch and tear as they repaired themselves. His match with the mysterious Shinsou had ended with leaving Hayate humiliated and defeated. In retrospect he hadn’t even given the man a decent exercise.

    As the healing process finished the monks quickly thanked Hayate for his participation and left him with a parting gift. Hidden behind the lantern beside his bed was a little small felt pouch bound in twine. Hayate quickly grabbed it and undid the ties before he gazed inside. A pit formed in his stomach as he saw a sizable chunk of his blade in the sack. He quickly turned to see his weapon leaning against the wall in the corner of the room. Hayate studied it briefly before seeing the damage to the blade near its tip.

    The young lord leapt out of the bed before grabbing his sword and making his way to the door. He was filled with a mix of emotions ranging from anger to curiosity. In one foul swoop Shinsou had rocked the young lord’s entire foundation. How could Hayate ever go back to leading the same life as before knowing that there were people as capable as Shinsou. How could he go back to living to fill the Shogun coffers know without a shadow of a doubt that Shinsou would be able to end The Shogun’s dynasty at any time.

    Hayate knew what he had to do, but didn’t know if he had the strength to do it. He had to swallow his pride and honor and meet this man and get to the bottom of things. He had to make the man who could break his mighty Yamato and bring shame to the entire Yukon district divulge all his secrets to the young lord. He’d make sure of that one way or another. As he entered the corridor he could see another set of monks leaving the next room far down the hallway.

    Are you sure about this? his partner asked once again chiming into Hayate’s conscious.

    This isn’t up to discussion. If meeting this man can bring me strength then I have no choice. If he would have me I plan to study directly under him. The young lord sternly said.

    As you wish…

  4. #14
    Legend

    EXP: 127,650, Level: 15
    Level completed: 55%, EXP required for next Level: 7,350
    Level completed: 55%,
    EXP required for next Level: 7,350


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    14,025

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

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    Thread Title:
    Judgment Type:
    Participants:


    Plot:
    Hayate: 21/30
    Shinsou: 22/30



    Story-
    Hayate: 8
    Shinsou: 7


    Hayate: What seems to be here is a story of Hayate and a journey he goes on. It is introduced beautifully, with a good background, and then has a fight that builds as time goes on and allows for some back and forth fighting, where both of you take blows well. You manage to keep a hold of who Hayate is and build on his awe of Shinsou throughout, and so do character development in the fight, which is both dramatic and strong. This is often hard to do, and you have brought your character in Althanas very well. What was missing in some terms was more of an exact way of how this fits into the overall picture of Hayate, and the story of the fight itself, though this was touched on.

    Shinsou: What would have been good is to have some explanation as to who 'Soap' is. You simply have Shinsou consider “If Soap was dishing him names, it could only mean ...” in post one, but do not explain or hint why that means what it does in terms of Soap, even though he is very present as a character in the last post. The story you build itself is powerful, with a lot of twists and turns in the fight, from winning, to almost losing and then gaining the upper hand again. It is exciting and enticing and does not disappoint. There is a small amount of character development here, which is good, though balancing this with the overall fight may be something to think about for future.

    Setting-
    Hayate: 7
    Shinsou: 7


    Hayate: In terms of setting your character, you do this amazingly. You introduce Hayate very clearly, of where he comes from and why he is in the Citadel, what his background is and not in too many or too few words. This forms a strong basis for your story within and plot. What would have been good, however, is more detail into the arena at the beginning – you touch on it very lightly. You stagger back a few times in the thread but do not seem to come across the void, which would have made the thread interesting. Try to remain conscious of your surroundings and also describe it through your thread more.

    Shinsou: Opening with the comments over the Silver Cup is powerful, and you reflect on how important it is for your character, and add things such as the personality of the barkeep. Though there is not much physical description it is a good overall setting. From there you go into the arena, and again as similar to Hayate it would have been good to see some more depth into it, but you did connect it with your character's history which is good. You also continue to mention and describe the arena (post 6 with “flat, featureless chamber”), though more here would have been good, and using it to your advantage.

    Pacing-
    Hayate: 6
    Shinsou: 8


    Hayate: Pacing is jarred at times by odd sentences that, although connect to the general idea of what is going on, distract from the action of the thread. For instance in post three you comment about what the mask looks like as Hayate lifts it up, in a full sentence and in the middle of first intruding your characters to each other. Here the description could have been more intertwined into the previous sentence, or elsewhere. In some places this does work, however, such as the end of post three where your character gets ready for fighting, and you describe exactly the movements of what he does. What is common in your writing is using a similar paragraphing length and it would be good to see you experiment with variety going on from here.

    Shinsou: Your pacing starts off very fine, with a steady build up to your character entering the arena (“four hours later” in post one) with no over-explanation of anything here. Paragraphing is a great skill of yours and you show it off – they are varied in length and use it for power more than anything. You build at the right points, and lose tension at the right ones; a way you could improve from here though is delving into the idea of single and multiple syllable words for precisely this technique.



    Character:
    Hayate: 19/30
    Shinsou: 24/30



    Communication-
    Hayate: 7
    Shinsou: 8


    Hayate: There is a very definite politeness of Hayate, that links to your shogunate background, and the nobility and honour linked therein that is good to see. You also keep this constant, with very little deviation from it. There are some odd parts such as, “Don’t mock us!” in post five where it is unclear as to what you are responding to, or if it is simply a statement. You also could have done with perhaps more communication, even between Hayate and his avatar, which you only pick up on at the end.

    Shinsou: There are some good strengths of your communication from the start, with such notes as, “Never heard of him, and what exactly does Soap mean by "a good fit"?” that give your character a definite voice from the opening post. This continues well, and you have poignant words that add to the build up of the fight, such as simply, “For now, focus." in post four. You also have a fine balance of persona, action and persona, and merge them well together. There are not many weak points here, though consistency does slip a couple of times, in terms of tone, for instance in the last post.


    Action-
    Hayate: 6
    Shinsou: 8


    Hayate: What you do very well in your writing is strongly show personality through action, using adjectives to punctuate exactly how he does things. In post 3 you write that Hayate, “violently reached for Yamato” and describe how he brings it over his head and gets into a fighting stance. Further actions such as taking some of the blows and knocking some of them show that you can balance your character in terms of being powerful, but also able to take hits. Small descriptions such as the “sweat” in post five works well. One thing to think about is reactions from here, of how your character emotionally and mentally, not just physically reacts to hits.
    One thing you definitely need to watch is bunnying, also known as god-moding. It is not clear in places, but at times you do use words such as, "would latch on" instead on "might" which is directly stating that the hit will land. For combat this is generally frowned upon and you need to think about this.

    Shinsou: There were some really nice pieces of intricate personality within your actions, such as the description of, “clutching the glass between finger and thumb” that shows personality of your character through it – there is a sense of a determined man who knows his own strengths. Action during fighting is definitely used to your advantage and it is good to see, even though you are considerably more powerful a character, that you take some hits and strive against the might of the other character. In post 6 also you have your character being surprise about the avatar of the Corpse King. This judge would have liked to perhaps seen some slower development of the fight building up; some sword stokes before going straight to Enpera Kurohitsugi. What is very good is the reality of losing blood, and the physical effects that you use as well as the possible threat of the Corpse King coming down on Shinsou's head that is very real in post ten.


    Persona-
    Hayate: 6
    Shinsou: 8


    Hayate: You have some excellent small bits of personality that shine through, from your character's internal thoughts (post 3, “Who was this Shinou?”) and what he wears (post 3, “a multi layered white robe”). Being in awe also of Shinsou is continued well, and is developed through the posts as they go on, especially in your conclusion posts where Hayate talks about him as some sort of sensei. There is a lot of power through your actions and the connection to the Corpse King that you reflect on and show well. One thing to think about though is using internal thought a lot more, which you touch on at the end but could really add to your posts, which does not specifically need to be speech, and also merging this more with the actual action that goes on (see last comment in action).

    Shinsou: Persona can be seen through your writing – which is a difficult thing to do. What is precisely meant by this is that it is in the way you write as well as in the thoughts of your character: a good example of this is the area of post 1, 'It begged the questions what and why.' Here you do not specifically say it is Shinsou's thoughts, and merge with the general storytelling. There are also multiple examples of internal thought process – i.e. talking to one's self, which is a classic but always good to include. The persona also is brilliant shown in post six where Shinsou realises the connection. At some points you do lose the persona in favour for action, such as in post eight, but this is only a minor issue.

    Prose:
    Hayate: 18/30
    Shinsou: 22/30



    Mechanics-
    Hayate: 6
    Shinsou: 7


    Hayate: There were no obvious spelling mistakes in your writing, which is always a strength. One issue that did come to sight, however is sometimes a strange mixture of punctuation. In post 1 there are a lot of either major or complex sentences with little commas. A comma would have, for instance helped between 'Quickly' and and 'the young,' and also 'last week' and 'when he' as the start of the fourth paragraph. A string of sentences can work, but variety is as powerful as correction. This latter point ties into technique. You also need to careful with capitals as they are missed every so often: post three you miss the capital from the first word of, “how do you know my name?”

    Shinsou: Similar to Hayate you do not have many spelling mistakes, noticeable anyway, which is great. What can be seen as well is some impressive use of punctuation, such as semi-colons right from the start. You do have some small capitalisation points, such as “The Telgradian” in post 4 where it should strictly be a small 't' for “the”, unless Shinsou's title is 'The Telgradian.' Overall however you are fine and have some good mechanics.

    Clarity-
    Hayate: 5
    Shinsou: 7


    Hayate: Overall you are very clear and precise in what you write, without any confusion anywhere. The only areas where you can improve here are in trying to make things smoother (see pacing) and explaining more what is meant by, “Don’t mock us!” in post five (see communication). You also lose yourself in the action sometimes and this can lose effect, not being easy for the reader at all. These are the only major issues and you are mostly clear. These can be worked on by reading over your posts as a collective before submitting for judgement.

    Shinsou: The major issue with clarity, as mentioned already, is with the introduction of Soap, who you mention more than once in the thread, but do not fully explain who this character is. For those who have not read your character before it can be confusing. Questions arise such as, 'why is Soap interested in Hayate?' Consider writing a small background history in one of your posts for this use. The rest, however, is good. You have no issues in explaining yourself clearly or getting carried away in the action and letting it rule your writing, but rather have a balance of it alongside technique and story.

    Technique-
    Hayate: 7
    Shinsou: 8


    Hayate: All in all you have a good strength in your technique. The judge here though was a little taken aback in your first post and in your first line when you use 'naïve' as a noun, rather than what it is actually – an adjective. It is an interesting stance on it, and is not unique, but something to research a little perhaps. You do have a good hold of repeating words for effect, such as in post one where you end a sentence with 'yearning' and then begin the next with it also. There are some odd bits of description, such as that of the mask in post 3 that do not seem to fit (see pacing). Some great sentences exist such as in post five with,”This was the power of the Amatsukami, this was the Avatar of War.” that add a lot to your character overall and let the reader know more about your character and his values and background. From here try using some more advanced imagery.

    Shinsou: You have some lovely little pieces of description such as from post one, “nothing but emptiness and cold for all eternity in all directions,” that set a good tone. You have some great moments of showing how to use paragraphing effectively, with a small, single sentence one in post four that helps tension to rise: “It was time.” There are some excellent small other gems such as the description of your abilities: “forking tendrils of black and purple convulsed around each other “ in post ten. What would be good to add here are some similes and metaphors, though there are examples of personification.


    Wildcard:
    Hayate: 6/10
    Shinsou: 6/10


    Wild card here goes to a thread that has depth and power, and is definitely going to lead somewhere in terms of the story for both of them. It is a great introduction thread, as well as a great fight that did not disappoint anywhere. The reason for not more points is because there could maybe have been more suggestion for where the story might go, which has been established now – even one more post of them meeting after.

    Final Scores:

    Hayate: 64/100
    Shinsou: 74/100

    Hayate receives:

    750 EXP!
    50 GP!

    Shinsou
    receives:

    3125 EXP!
    95 GP!

    Congratulations!

    “But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword.”
    ― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

    ALL REWARDS HAVE BEEN ADDED
    Last edited by Philomel; 07-01-2018 at 09:09 AM.
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    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

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