I couldn't force myself to leave my bedroom, all things back in their rightful place still the two years of season had not been kind to my cottage. Partially it was my fault after my first episode after having some how destroyed an entire town causing two people to loose their lives, when they practically demolished the outside and inside of my home I didn't fix much. They had torn books from shelves, they had ripped doors from their hinges and broke windows and all my instruments. I tidied up if that's what you call it, fixing only the broken windows, boarding up the ones I didn't replace and picking up the mess. After that night I left the rest exactly how it was, the vines outside pretty much overtaking the exterior of the cottage. Inside it was always dark, barely ever lit unless by a candle or lantern. I had let my cottage reflect an image of how I felt on the inside for people to see. The crazed women with muddy red hair that morphed into a ball of black destruction.

I laid back in my bed and allowed myself to remember the happy times, the love making that I had shared with a demi god in this bed, how Nymeria used to pounce on our tangled bodies in the morning to wake us up. The times that I would play beautiful music for my lover that I had at one point considered the closest thing to my soulmate. It was all shattered when Joshua had left and had not return, leaving not a letter or message in his absurd absence. Many rumored that he had died or ran off with a goddess having left his mortal lover to parish in her grief. "Oh how right they were," I whispered bitterly to myself.

I rolled over to my side, clutching my pillow tightly to my chest. The anxiety starting to creep its way back in, slowly and excruciatingly tightening my chest. I tried to breath but my chest felt constricted, the weight of a grown man sitting upon my breasts. "Breath... In and out..." I whispered over and over again as if I was trying to convince myself that it would work.

The feeling of trepidation was entirely overwhelming. Even my stupid chant couldn't soothe me, not that it often did. I closed my eyes, willing myself to become unconscious. There were only a few times that I wished I could sleep and these were one of those few and far between times. I didn't sleep because when I did I dreamed of people and things in my past that no longer existed. "Please, please..." I whispered desperately, feeling the tears welling behind my closed lids.

I knew I was exhausted in more ways then one and that sleep would indeed find me eventually. I didn't sleep often but when I allowed myself to I probably almost looked dead to anyone. I knew that my complexion was extremely pale, I had lost a bunch of weight that made me look silky and there were almost permanent bags under my once bright gaze. Clutching the pillow tighter to my chest, I tried to clear my mind, which always seemed to race with thoughts. Breathe in, breathe out... one, two three and repeat...

Drifting to sleep, I prayed silently that I would no longer dream but just float into the darkness of oblivion. My chest rose and fell shallowly, and I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into sleep. "Sleep," I mumbled before finally falling completely into a dreamless sleep.