Judgment: Detonation
Well hello there friends. This will be my first return judgment since I have come back on staff and I’m looking forward to doing so. A few things that I always used to like to make clear: if you have any questions, concerns, or comments please feel free to message me directly (either on discord privately or via PM on the site) and I would be more than happy to discuss the judgment further. For the sake of this thread, as it is a competitive thread, I will be using the full rubric and will be splitting the commentary between the two of you in the rubric. I have selected violet for Shinsou for commentary, and will be using the color lime for Flamebird for commentary.
Also, if my judging seems a bit odd it is because I read and take notes in each category as I go (typically with notes that stated either “post” or “P” with the number of the post the comment is associated with. I do this so that it is easier to identify where my comment is coming from, also it acts like bullet points for my general commentary at the end.
Plot
Story
Shin -- 7
You told a good story and I loved that as the thread went on you continued to get more and more into the story. I think you started off a little slower with the story, but I believe that when it came to Post #11 you started to get more into it via narrative and persona that brought me a better understanding of the character and his interaction with the story.
Specifically, you comment on the ‘not thinking’ based on his teaching - all of which was accompanied with internal dialogue. I also like that you tied the end of the thread up with a neat little bow into your overall story.
Felicity -- 7
I enjoyed your narrative and how you told it in first person and contributed that to the thread throughout. Overall I thought you did a great job.
I think I would have liked a little more story or understanding into the ‘nuclear’ side of the Felicity to really get the transformation. I understood that it was coming from bleeding, and that when she lost her arm it happened all at once, but beyond that I’m not entirely sure as to the “why” or exactly “how”. If that makes sense? As a reader it was just very sudden.
Like with Shin, I believe the ending of the thread was well executed into the story and made the thread a cohesive tale, not just another battle.
Setting
General: I love that the end was actually that you weren’t in the Citadel and it was post battle… that’s great!
Shin -- 8
Your setting initially was well written and easy to image. The opening of the Citadel battle was elaborate and well described, covering a myriad of the room so that the area was understood.
During the fight itself the descriptions were good and you used a fair amount of technique that make them flow well. The only point I would add is that due to the elaborate setting it was hard to follow a little of where you were in relation to the setting at times.
Felicity -- 6
For not liking setting, I thought you did a pretty good job in your opening post explaining the setting. Also, not just creating the scene but also weaving the reasoning behind the setting into the why of its existence. It also added into the narrative in a persona way with the “resources would better be spent on the theme of a warrior’s hold instead of a five star inn”.
I’m putting this in setting, but could be in a others, but your description of the way she she looked was almost identical word-for-word back to back posts. Try and change it up just a little because it came off a little bit repetitive. It was well described, but I think you can add to it a little and just make it a little more dynamic and it would add just a little more to it.
Pacing
Shin -- 8
This is a little nit-picky on the first post, but the first paragraph was a bit awkward to read for sentence structure. It was a very short simple sentence, a very long compound, then a simple one that felt normal. It was almost like half of the second sentence should have been part of the first and it would have flowed better? Just an observation, that is all - not score impacting.
Felicity -- 6
Your opening post has a lot of simple sentences strung together that make the reader stop a lot as they read, because it feels almost like reading a telegraph. That is great for when you are writing more intense, in the moment scenes but when you are opening a story and just establishing a flow you want to make it more relaxed and ease the reader into the story.
Your post after poisoning, #6, was hard to follow. It was almost like you were trying to react to the poison, display emotions, and react to more… just too much for a single post. Maybe half of that would be appropriate, or just reacting to the poison and drawing the bow to ready an action?
Character
Communication
Shin -- 7
Your dialogue seems to fit your character well and is unique and flows well. It doesn’t come off as generic.
Post #11 had a lot of good internal dialogue that added to the persona and story well. Personally, in a battle or intense setting I don’t ever take internal dialogue against a writer because thoughts are instant and I think the amount in this post were fitting and fine.
Post #13 had a lot of external dialogue when Felicity was beginning to charge you at the end of her post that felt a little too much. I think it would have been fine to have some of that as internal, and maybe condensed the rest of the opening paragraph to pleading for her to control it? That would have flowed a bit better, without making it seem like it was jarring a bit from the attack itself.
Felicity -- 8
Your post #10 had a lot of dialogue, and in most battles it is not advised to go into a lot of chatting mid-fight. However, with this it fit very well and I thought was logical with the character and flow of the story. I also liked the internal dialogue.
My only qualm with the communication was the passive internal dialogue that comes through via narrative that was repetitive, such as saying the same thing about how the feelings for Shin were both through the narrative multiple times, as well as through your characters non-verbal communication and verbal at times.
Action
Shin -- 8
I don’t have anything specific to say that was good or bad, but the posts were on average above expectations.
Felicity -- 7
Post 6 - the poison effects and how you wrote them interacting with your character was fine - but I was lost when you suddenly woke up and you weren’t sure if it was a minute or ten minutes later and just pulled out a war bow and knocked an arrow, fired it, and then had time to get another. It just seemed like a lot in a single turn
Persona
Shin -- 7
I don’t get a lot of your characters' persona through the narrative or through expressions. I see a little more through your second post, with flashes of the narrative explaining the introverted and quiet part.
Felicity -- 9
Opening post for you was a banger of narrative that overflowed with raw emotion that befit the character and immediately made me want to see how it spilled into the battlefield. I enjoyed it.
In the poison post, #6 you lost me a little with the end of the post when you mentioned what you were aiming at stating suicide, yourself, or Shin… as I wasn’t sure as a reader, beyond Shin as your opponent and absent teacher, what the other two had to do with Felicity.
Prose
Mechanics
Shin -- 8
I noted a few little mistakes, missing a couple letters here: spelling “he” instead of “the” (post #1), or missing an “a” in a sentence (post #5)
Your second post, Post #3: “Despite the despair he could feel from her, he also felt there was still a sense of purpose about her being here” - here at the end is present tense, should be there.
Used “now” in Post #5 as present tense and “here”
Felicity -- 6
Tense agreement issues here and there, and example is in post #2 (your first): “ I only have my elbow on the wooden panes, I was wearing a comfy warm gambeson, and the cold still wafted towards me” - you said “i only have” which is present tense instead of past tense “I only had”. Additionally, there should have been a period after panes, otherwise it is a run-on sentence.
Tense agreements with “now” used twice, present tense, at the end of your second post (post #4), multiple tense agreements in every post
Some of the paragraphs can be split in half as the first half of them are not the same subject matter or aligned with the second half. There is also a couple places where there are misplaced commas. And some incomplete sentences.
Clarity
Shin -- 9
There were a couple places where the clarity of the usage of your abilities, such as the description of the “crescent wave of loose black toxin washed from the blackened shadows beneath the statue in its recessed alcove towards Felicity” (p#5) were a bit confusing and I wasn’t sure what it was supposed to be - was there a wave of black toxin from the blade attacking, or a wave of the shadows attacking?
Otherwise everything was clearly written and fine.
Felicity -- 6
In the first post, I began to have a good feeling that there was history and backstory between you and Shin and how, but not to what the extent was exactly… there was enough to go on to give me a clear connection and you wrote the character feelings through the narrative very well to create the connection. I’m a stickler for backstory though and the clarity of background story connection is my thought here.
I think it was in post #12, when you were using italics, that I started to get confused about the story and it took me a bit to catch on the back and forth with the italics being flashbacks for story - not being counted towards score, but noting as you may want to maybe put it in (quote) or (ooc) or something like that as italics is standard used for internal thoughts and it confused me. =)
Technique
Shin -- 9
Simply beautiful prose. Though, I would caution at times not to overdo it. Otherwise, after reading the entire thread I have nothing else to really add.
“His eyes gleamed from the confines of his face…” is a very awkward phrase (P#5)
Felicity -- 8
I absolutely love that you chose to write in first person. Having read some of your other stuff I really like your first person style in this - general observation.
I’m going to ignore the general observation (halfway through the thread) and just say that you used the first person narrative to tell a story and used the third person to explain the loss of control… that is a brilliant mechanism that I have to applaud as I haven’t seen it so seamlessly used on Althanas in the way that you have done so. You put the “she” in bold and it’s like you are suddenly emphasizing that this monster is now on the loose and you are just watching helplessly and for some reason as a reader I get goosebumps reading that. I LIVE FOR THAT WRITING.
I thought you had some good spots of writing technique that came through, such as in your second post (#4) where you compared the dim candles to your faded enthusiasm. A lot of that post actually was very good with technical additions.
Your reaction to the poison (P#6) was a bit confusing to read both with the way it was presented from a clarity and writing technique standpoint.
Wild Card
Shin - 7 | Felicity - 7
To be honest, my general Wild Card score for battles is going to be pretty much a default average score and I always make it the same for both people because I don’t think it should factor into the overall score.
That being said, this was a very interesting encounter between the two characters. I would love to see this fight if it had been a little more stretched out maybe when Felicity and Shin are both level 20 and can stand toe-to-toe. That will be a fun read. Until then, this was great. Thank you for the opportunity!
Score:
Shin - 78
Flambirde - 70
Rewards
Shin: 5400 Exp | 200 gold
Flamebird: 1275 exp | 100 gold
