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  1. #11
    Senior Member

    EXP: 24,547, Level: 6
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    Level completed: 65%,
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    Flamebird's Avatar

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    1,411

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
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    Corone

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    Scary sword. Very scary sword.

    It swung wildly.

    Felicity had not cared, just firing the shot. She had hoped to be lucky, but luck did not come. The arrow only managed to pierce the shoulder blade – yet, here laid a blessing in disguise. She noticed how Hayate winced in pain, within the transparent giant. Felicity’s eyes widened as she realized the magic’s mighty weakness.

    She only could gape at the newfound discovery for a moment, however. The samurai made his next move. It was a low cut, one which caused Felicity to have to completely drop to the ground. She felt the wind of the swing over her head, she could hear the plants torn apart. The entire tree she stood by was halved by the ethereal blade’s power, immediately falling with the deathly crack of aged wood. As it toppled, Felicity looked up to see the tree falling in her direction. Her heart jumped clear up to her throat. She lept up, racing through the plant debris as she bolted away from the tree. Flying pollen was thick in the air, creating a sort of smog. A cough escaped her as she barely managed to evade the falling oak. As a heavy thud sounded behind her, she realized her fatal move.

    Her enemy now noticed her, clear in the open.

    Still clenching the bow, the girl only managed a frightened chuckle. A nervous smile, a shy wave, then she turned and bailed. Through the thick, yellow pollen, she ran for her life. As she pulled another arrow from her quiver, the redhead ran like hell was behind her. Blood from her wound painted the ground as she bolted. She knew the samurai’s weakness now. She knew that damage done to the magic skeleton was also done to the warrior. The question only remained of how she was to utilize this weakness. Not here though. As adrenaline shot through her body, her mind swirled as she raced towards the nearest hallway. Maybe the giant could not follow her in there.

    Through the long, bladed grass, she turned around once. She took another blind shot in hopes to deter it as she fled to the safety of the shady halls. Her nose running from the strong smelling pollen, she kept going. She had no idea what lie in wait in those chill, gothic halls. The shadows of more black knights perhaps? She had not a clue.

    Please, please, please be safe! I need to figure out plan, just-

    Right in front of the door she was so close to, a black knight stood in wait. As golden pollen still swirled, the silhouette stood bold and intimidating. Unlike the last one, it was of average height. The bulky build and heavy armor still served to be quite intimidating. The gothic dressed knight raised a steel halberd, ready to strike down.

    Felicity skidded to a hasty halt, kicking up dirt from the garden at her feet. She reached for her arming sword. Then, eyes wide, she realized another mistake she had made.

    “Oh! Curse my short limbs and small choice in sword type!”

    The heavy pounding of the Corpse King behind her sounded nearer, nearer…

    She was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
    Last edited by Flamebird; 07-20-2018 at 11:44 PM.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  2. #12
    War Criminal

    EXP: 9,090, Level: 4
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    Level completed: 2%,
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    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    897

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    The Corpse King growled angrily as he watched the little red head dive out from the caving brush. The large tree he easily cleaved in two fell slowly catching itself on all the hanging vines before tumbling to the ground with a large thud. As the large trunk of the tree landed it kicked up a rather large and very annoying cloud of pollen that once again Felicity used to hide. So far Hayate was definitely the scariest think in this place but every moment he let Felicity continue to avoid him was one closer to his downfall. It appeared she listened to his words though and wanted desperately to use cover and regain some kind of stealth or something.

    Chase her! Hayate commanded his beast. And Yamato obliged as the massive spectral avatar launched itself into a near full sprint fallowing the girl. From before Hayate knew she was heading for the narrow hallways to the left hand side of the room and had to do something to stop her. Having to seal the Corpse King back within his Nodachi would mean trouble for the samurai.

    The pollen was thick, almost otherworldly how it hung in the stagnant air, and made a pretty good smokescreen. But it didn't matter, from what Hayate and Yamato could tell there wasn’t anything other than maybe a very precise arrow that could stop them now. Using what little he could remember of the throne room’s layout Hayate and Yamato commanded the Corpse King to stop and wing its mighty blade about stomach lever in another horizontal swipe. He aimed to seal off the hallways and prevent the young girl from using them to her advantage.

    “NO MORE HIDING!” the ethereal monster growled.

    Just then from the pollen an arrow shot by at great speeds. But Felicity musn't have put much effort into aiming or the pollen was just that thick but the wild shot flew clean past the head of the Corpse King and sored behind them. Hayate smirked knowing that everyone had their limit to what they could handle, and with her on the retreat like this he knew that he had overwhelmed her with his mighty avatar. But things weren’t over yet, his overconfidence has gotten the better of him before. They both felt as the tip of their mighty sword hit the masonry of the wall, cutting deep into it, and dragging itself across its length.

    There is nowhere to go now! Hayate thought out loud as he and Yamato waited hear some kind of scream. But that didn’t happen; instead his blade was met with another of the Black Knight that dwelled within this arena.

    What the… Yamato thought as pieces of the knight flew apart scattering all around them. Though they had not seen the girl, the walls on the left hand side of the throne room had begun to quake and crumble sealing off those two hallways.
    Last edited by Hayate_Amatsukami; 07-22-2018 at 06:51 PM.
    "Just shut up for once! What the hell do you know about it?! It's not like you ever had a family in the first place! You were on your own right from the beginning, what makes you think you know anything about it?! Huh?! I'm suffering now because I had those ties, how on earth could you possibly understand, what it feels like to lose all that!" -Sasuke Uchiha

  3. #13
    Senior Member

    EXP: 24,547, Level: 6
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    Level completed: 65%,
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    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,411

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
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    Corone

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    A humongous sword, the giant’s slammed right into the stone above the entryway. Felicity darted away from the impact, yet the ground shook so much so that she fell to the ground, dropping her bow. The deafening boom created by the flying debris muted out everything else. She felt bits and pieces of pebble shower over her, the pitter patter and thudding on stones surrounding. Her stinging cut still splattered against the ground, although the bleeding did reduce. One stone, the size of a fist, slammed right into her head.

    “Ow!” She shouted, pulling a hand to her head.

    No concussion, she was too sturdy for that. Yet, she still felt the world blur around her. Discombobulated, she tried to get up… just to collapse again. She hazily reached for her sword’s hilt, yet everything swayed and churned as she moaned.

    She had forgotten about the black knight, which Hayate had accidently killed off for her.

    Her vision still blurred. She saw grey, then meshes of green mixed with other colors. Her sense of smell still picked up on the musty building, the smoke of the stones, and the distant scent of various plants and flowers. She saw one clear thing in front of her. She saw the glowing giant. She felt the magic emitting from its being, Hayate in the center. She was cornered. Behind her was the remains of an entrance she could not hide in anymore, ahead of her was this monster.

    She growled, anger building up. Time and energy were wasted on a failed plan. Her head pounded in pain as she continued to feel the world spin. She was at a clear disadvantage. She knew how to stop this thing, yes, but she had no time to come up with a plan.

    Bow laying next to her, her ears buzzed as she lifted her head. One idea flashed before her, but would it work? She clenched her hilt, biting her lip. It had too!

    She yanked the sword, pulling it out of its sheath. It was coated in her own blood, like her wounded arm. Through slitted eyes, she buried the pain as she resorted to one last tactic. She stood to her feet, barely, and lifted the sword high in the air. With the intensity of a raging fire, she shouted.

    “You disappoint me!” She screamed, “I came here looking for a fair fight on equal grounds and you hide behind that walking talking giant armor.”

    She looked towards the ground, spitting, “Disgusting!”

    She looked up, fists tightened as she hoped her own pathetic performance was not to be called out on, "What are you, weak? Are you serious? How is this fair?"

    She roared, exclaiming the challenge, “Come down from your petty little throne and fight me like a man! Fight me with honor!”
    Last edited by Flamebird; 07-30-2018 at 09:16 PM.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  4. #14
    War Criminal

    EXP: 9,090, Level: 4
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    Level completed: 2%,
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    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    897

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    Everything was more or less a blur at this point and despite his better judgement and strategic mind Hayate could truly feel what his opponent was feeling. Even though she had more or less blinded the samurai he had all but claimed victory at this point. He had pushed his adversary into a corner and like a caged beast she bared her teeth and lashed out like a woman scorned. She taunted him, proclaiming his way of fighting was without honor and despicable, all foul words that proved he had pushed her as far as she could go. Hayate smirked as she groveled beneath him like an alpha wolf putting their beta in place.

    Don’t fall for her little tricks, Yamato pleaded with his master. I have her on the ropes.

    You heard her yourself, Hayate telepathically answered his partner. We have already won the fight, but now it’s time to show our honor.

    “Fine,” He said as the massive titan around him began to shrink and dissipate. The magics that held the Corpse King to this world began to dispel but Hayate wouldn’t let things get to simple for the little girl. He wore the left arm of the Corpse King like armor and still clutched their mighty sword, though they had shrunk to match the samurai in stature. “You want a fair fight, then show me what you are made of!”

    You’re an idiot… Yamato added as he drifted back into Hayate’s subconscious.

    Quickly Hayate drew his wakazashi with his right hand, spinning it briefly in his palm before rearing back and throwing it at the outline of the girl. It sliced through the pollen as it soared through the air giving him an opportunity to strike. Hayate launched himself forward into a full sprint and as he neared Felicity he brought his ethereal weapon high above his head and slashed diagonally across what he thought should be her torso. It would be a killing blow if it met its mark.

    “How about now girl?” he yelled. “You better not be the one to disappoint me.”
    Last edited by Hayate_Amatsukami; 08-21-2018 at 07:07 PM.
    "Just shut up for once! What the hell do you know about it?! It's not like you ever had a family in the first place! You were on your own right from the beginning, what makes you think you know anything about it?! Huh?! I'm suffering now because I had those ties, how on earth could you possibly understand, what it feels like to lose all that!" -Sasuke Uchiha

  5. #15
    Senior Member

    EXP: 24,547, Level: 6
    Level completed: 65%, EXP required for next Level: 2,453
    Level completed: 65%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,453


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,411

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    Through the pollen, Felicity had to squint as she watched the glowing giant shrink. Using one of the arms as a substitute for his nonexistent one, Hayate obliged to her demands.

    Wow, that actually worked.

    The victory party for this was about to be cancelled, however. Through the yellow smog, a short blade flew towards her. Her head still seemed to spin. Her parry was completely off, her blade swiping against thin air. The Akashiman blade left a small puncture wound in the area between her chest and left shoulder. Thankfully, the momentum was not that huge, but blood still slid down her frame. Her eyes were silted with venom as the fresh strength and dangerous anger overtook her, numbing the pain. As a flash of silver light shone through the stuffy pollen, she raised her delyn sword. As the aura of her radiation poisoning unraveled around her, the *shling* of two swords meeting echoed across these lonely walls.

    As the pollen began to clear, they stood. Blades locked. Her teeth were gritted as he warned her not to disappoint him. In a surge of rage with no source, she pushed him off, screaming, “Yeah right!”

    Her swings were not necessarily crude or undisciplined. She was trained and lethal, yet the magic induced vexation did do something to her psyche. Her posture was tighter and more spontaneous; her swings shaped from training and discipline, yet deranged and randomized. For a short moment, she took full offense. She aimed for him, but with no tactics. She showed practiced skill, but no coordination. Then she came to…

    Her red with rage eyes could not exactly catch the damage she had done – or if she did any damage at all – yet, her magic ran out. She took a step or so back, wincing at not only the sharp sting in her new wound, but the aching throbbing within her underarm, plus the mild ringing in her head. She winced, sword kept in a defensive posture. I found out his magic's weakness, will he find out mine?



    I hope not.


    Taking a more neutral fighting stance, she recollected her surroundings. The sky above, peaking from the broken roof, was starting to dim. Grey clouds were beginning to form. She was just at the edge of the massive patch of plants. The pollen had died down, her opponent visible and very much alive. The low rumble of thunder, a growl from the cloud’s deep throat, vibrated across the landscape as the battle continued.

    Felicity gritted her teeth, another form of anger swelling in her chest. Call me a disappointment, will you? So many called me that before, but you’ll learn your lesson!

    This was a fight for proof. Proof of her value. Here she was, judging her self-worth by whether or not she won this match. It was dangerous, more dangerous than any magic or weapon in this courtyard. It was a lethal game, basing one’s worth off their skills and abilities rather than who they were. Taking long steps through the tall grass, the sound of crushing plants sounded as she raised her sword in a wrath guard. Now more cautious, with her emotions channeled into the refining and discipline of her sword, she made her second furious flurry of attacks.

    This time, however, she had a plan.

    As the clouds gathered in the sky, causing shadows to shift across the dim room, her eyes were glazed with a thinly veiled darkness. She aimed her blade for his throat, eyes locked on it, then swiftly stopped the blade. It was a feint. She sharply changed course, green eyes not giving away her true target: his chest.

    A single rain drop fell on the petal of a blue flower. Would blood fall too?
    Last edited by Flamebird; 08-25-2018 at 09:56 AM.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  6. #16
    War Criminal

    EXP: 9,090, Level: 4
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    Level completed: 2%,
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    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    897

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    Sometimes it was more important to cultivate the future rather than be fixated on the present.

    I can’t believe you did it again… I had her backed into a corner and just give it to her.

    The lone Amatsukami’s attack had been parried rather easily, as was to be expected at this point. Hayate and Felicity had been fighting for a little over twenty minutes thus far his multiple wounds had begun to take their toll. He tried in earnest to respond to the young red head’s flurry of vicious sword swipes to but to avail. Hayate couldn’t even see them much less be able to avoid them and as he resigned himself to his fate he felt the cold metal of her blade cut into him as she barreled forward putting the samurai on the defensive.

    He shuffled backwards through the knee-high grass stumbling over his clumsy feet trying as best he could to avoid taking a fatal blow. But to his dismay Felicity had blanked out once more and in the trauma her sword slashes tore into his flesh sending blood and viscera flying in crescent arcs all around. He felt her blade fillet the upper portion of his right shoulder staining his tunic crimson and causing a deep red puddle to trail behind him as she continued to deliver her devastating volley of attacks.

    Haven’t you learned yet? It’s not about winning or losing, all that matters is that we as warriors understand and respect one another.

    In the midst of their brawl every time Hayate and Felicity exchanged attacks he knew what she was feeling. He too knew what it was like to doubt yourself and fear your best could never be enough. The last of his clan Hayate knew all too well the consequences, the fears that were coursing through the young red head’s mind. Though he had his own baggage, that wasn’t nearly as important as letting this girl prove to herself she could do it.

    As she broke off her assault Hayate, battered and bloody, stood about five to ten paces from Felicity. He knew that this would happen the moment he dispelled the Corpse King. He wondered if she too understood what he had done for her, what he gave up in order to facilitate what was sure to be morale booster for her. But he didn’t really mind if she ever knew exactly what happened here, all that mattered was that he and this woman met here today. And that one day in the future they would have a true rematch with fair standings.

    “Do it!” Hayate screamed as he relinquished control over the Corpse King and the arm he was using as a prosthetic and his blade vanished into nothingness. What was left was the shell of a man, bloody and beaten, ready to suffer the consequences of his actions. From what he could tell Felicity wasn’t about extend to him any courtesies that he had done to her and leapt into action.

    In the end I have no regrets.

    Hayate let out a deep breath and grunted as he felt a sharp stinging from his chest. He never even saw it coming, her blade coated in her own fell blood stuck out of his chest where his heart should have been and sent geysers of blood multiple feet into the air. As she jerked around his wound soaked everything and everyone around him until he fell to his knees and the flow of blood lessened. The world was beginning to fade more now from blood loss than it was earlier. Admittedly there wasn’t a huge difference and as he fought to stay awake he lifted his face to try and see the girl one last time.

    “Never forget what you feel right now…” He coughed as the rain fell through the cracks in the ceiling pooling up on his face. “I don’t want to hear that you’ve died anytime soon.”

    And with that Hayate’s face met the cobblestone and he had been defeated.
    Last edited by Hayate_Amatsukami; 08-26-2018 at 05:51 PM.
    "Just shut up for once! What the hell do you know about it?! It's not like you ever had a family in the first place! You were on your own right from the beginning, what makes you think you know anything about it?! Huh?! I'm suffering now because I had those ties, how on earth could you possibly understand, what it feels like to lose all that!" -Sasuke Uchiha

  7. #17
    Senior Member

    EXP: 24,547, Level: 6
    Level completed: 65%, EXP required for next Level: 2,453
    Level completed: 65%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,453


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,411

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    Rain poured down, so did his blood. His life force ebbed away as he spoke those final words, then passed.

    Felicity had won.

    Thunder roared in the sky, distant yet loud. A flash of lightning lit up the cold, wet arena for a split second. Then, the overwhelming clouds darkened the atmosphere again. The plants relished in the heavy downpour, some even sprouting bigger, taller by the second. Across the ground, cracked stone and dirt, the mixed blood of both opponents trickled away. Felicity was on her knees, watching the body. Shivering, she hardly noticed how her wounds stung when touched by the water. Her hair and clothes were soaked, yet, it did not matter.

    She won.

    Her sword was cast to the side, splotched in his blood. The rain was making quick work of the stained metal, washing it clean. As the sound of rain pounding against the ground boomed, she had to force herself to remember that this was the Citadel. It was not real. Yet…

    She did win. She won. At what cost, however, was this victory?

    ”Never forget what you feel right now…”

    Did she feel victory? Satisfaction? She had proven she was a powerful fighter, capable of beating whatever odds were stacked against her. The Citadel had no permanent consequences for physical wounds or even death; the monks made sure of that. The clamoring memories of people mocking her, spitting at her, screaming, that her swordsmanship was no good silenced. Yet, why did she not feel happy? The powerful rain and roaring thunder fell on deaf ears. She shook, but not from the cold. This was the Citadel, she knew this death was not real. Yet, she could not get the lifeless form out of her mind. She had proven her adversaries wrong, proved their words were fruitless. So why- …

    How did she feel?

    She should feel proud, happy, triumphant. Instead… her heart was chilled like ice. Dead, unmoved. Nothing had changed. She still felt the weight of all those words slashing her chest. Yet, crystals of frost coated the cuts, preventing them from bleeding anymore. She somehow was not hurt anymore. At the same time, though, it hurt more than ever. Something was wrong.

    Her heart was frozen cold.

    Why?

    The overwhelming floodwaters of rain, boisterous thunder, deafened her lonely scream.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  8. #18
    Administrator

    EXP: 104,075, Level: 14
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    Level completed: 1%,
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    Philomel's Avatar

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    17,840

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    30 (+10)
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    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
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    Name of Thread: These Lonely Walls

    Plot: 8 / 7

    Story:

    Flamebird – You build the story well in terms of tension, flowing from climbing the wall into the castle, to finding the sentinel and Hayate and into the fight itself. Each part is reacted to well, and adds character as well as plot. Thinking of things such as getting the blood possibly on Hayate is also clever, and adding it gives an extra layer of ingenious to the story.

    Hayate – The addition of the sentinel added an extra layer of introduction to the story itself, and provided a good way to have your characters come together. This was written with enthusiasm which shows through your writing itself. Overall there is room for improvement in building up your tension in different ways, but you have strength in imagination.

    Both: For you both the story of the thread is extremely strong, and you write a significant story together, that is focused towards the end. The conversation here through both action and communication adds to your characters significantly. Both of you write off from one another here well and build a plot together. The change of plot, from Felicity beign almost defeated to then it being Hayate was unexpected but a good twist, that has added to your score.

    Setting: 8 / 7

    Flamebird - In your opening post you give a clear indication that the setting is within the Citadel, and the general scenery of what your arena is. It is laid out very clearly, with particular measurements in place. There is effort here to make the setting interesting in itself, with description of getting into the castle itself. You also use some of the setting in aid of your plot itself, in particular post 9, where you mention the strong cracking, which helps to keep the idea of the area alive. You use this continuously into the end of the thread, strong and powerfully.

    Hayate – You have some setting mentioned at the start, and it is kept up to flow some way into the piece, with the sentinel part of the setting itself, and this addition is really effective to adding to it. It would be good to keeping some more setting deeper into the story itself, going from this point, although it is focused on later towards the end, from post 12.

    Pace: 7 / 6

    Flamebird – Pacing is steady and effortless for you, keeping at a consistency with some short and long paragraphs that build tension to some extent. Overall, however you keep it to an equal level, and it is an area where you have strength. There is little to be added to here as you have good pacing as a skill, however there could have been some more rises and falls.

    Hayate – For you pacing is a thing that you keep steady, and follow Felicity well. It is good and steady, with some rise and fall. What would be a way to improve from here is to start working on your sentence structure and paragraph sizes, which you have some hold on already, to build tension when you desire.

    Character:

    Communication:
    8 / 7

    Flamebird – There is a casual tone from Flamebird from the outset in her conversation with Hayate which offers some insight into her personality and state of mind. You do not use much communication for the meat of the fight, and this could be something to thing about adding to, however the focus that you have for the battle is on action and this does work well. Towards the end of the thread a form of personality is shared with some focus on her four sentences in post 13, that leads to the final foray, and demand to be faced, showing her spunk.

    Hayate – What you have developed really well is the rhetoric between Hayate and Yamato, which has been worked on over time through your threads, giving a consistency and development to all of your stories. This communication, with the wisdom of Yamato and the warrior-like spirit of Hayate works exceptionally well, and shows their relationship (post 8 in particular). His tone outwardly is rather formal and carries a sense of honour for his character. In this spirit there is a little bit of confusion. One way to improve here could be to determine more significantly the 'voice' of your character.

    Action: 8 / 8

    Flamebird – With Fel’s actions you very clearly show her “carrying a moral code” as you described it. Small as well as large actions are engaged and used to your advantage here, from simple descriptions of “carefully observing” (post 3) the “scene” to the larger plot-assisting strikes. From post 5 you also describe these beautifully, with some precise words and allow for the other party to be able to make the decision whether or not to take the hits. Even in pain, and near defeat, also, with Felicity, you continue the thread, and keep the tension up. There is cleverness in Flamebird’s actions also, with the finding of Hayate’s weaknesses.

    Hayate – You write action well, adding things to plot. You also take hits well, with the toxic blood, adding reality to your writing. One improvement is that you write that Hayate/Yamato is “trying” to hit, where in a previous thread you have bunnied this to some extent. This is a great thing to see. It is good to see how action also can help with tone of the piece and pacing. From where to improve here it could be good to see how you can show more personality through your actions.

    Both: One thing that you do well together is reflect off one another's actions, and this helps improve your writing together. The reason why score here is not as high is because there was a great focus on action itself, whereas an effective combat thread is one that balances this with communication, develops plot and has a good pacing.

    Persona: 7 / 7

    Flamebird – Persona was particularly strong for Felicity with her thoughts and reaction to seeing Hayate fight the sentinel: “that’s my fight!” This shows her strong and wilful personality well. She also has a great reaction to Hayate himself, saying “he is super proper” with post 5. You further develop this with realisations of mistakes, and writing the piece from the mind of Flamebird, which helps effectively for the reader to understand her. This flows through internal though as well as writing in the piece itself, and though this can be improved on by developing the idea more, it is already very powerful.

    Hayate – Where you have interior thoughts, these are also coupled with conversation with Yamato, and so persona is a mixture for you of both expression of self and communication. You marry these two well. His reaction to Flamebird is fitting, when he sees it as a “fit of rage” and you describe her actions as “lashed outwards blindly," and other reactions in the piece add to his personality and the reader's understanding of such. It would be good from here to see it threaded through the writing itself more, and this could be an area for which to expand.

    Writing:

    Mechanics: 9 / 6

    Flamebird – What is clear is that you have made an effort to use mechanics to your advantage, and edit as you go. There is little to no mistakes, and there is the use of advanced punctuation to suit your piece, using it for pacing and for plot building (post one, use of ';' and '…').

    Hayate
    – Spelling is mostly altogether there and you have a firm use of vocabulary and mostly correct punctuation. There are a couple of missing letters (post 1, “a number of meter” where it should be plural), another can be found in post 6 with “ill” where it should be “I’ll,” and there are a couple of spaces issues. This can jar and effect your writing, and can be helped with a read through before you post. If you have a look at Flamebird’s posts where she uses more advanced punctuation, then you can gain an idea of where to improve in this area.

    Clarity: 9 / 8

    Flamebird – Mostly there was no need to read back at all for your piece and what you explained was plain and provided an easy read. You make point to explain that Fel’s clothes are special to her and so cannot be destroyed by her own powers, which is great to see. Clarity is not an issue in terms of understanding what is going on, and you have direct way of speaking.

    Hayate – From the outset you have clarity of where you are heading in terms of plot, and what Hayate’s intention’s are. You write in an obvious manner, showing what hits are intended for where. Some larger description could be used to expand on Yamato as an appearance more, to give more of an idea of what he looks like at different times. Clarity can be given in a good explanation for the relationship between your character and the spirit within him, however, and this adds to your score.

    Technique: 8 / 7

    Flamebird – You have a good hold of word choice throughout, using some more expanded vocabulary than seen in your previous thread and you have some gorgeous description: “red liquid painting her hand red” in post 7. You also use sentence structure fantastically well, to build up tension with some short, simple sentences, followed by complex ones. You use some alliteration, which helps and personification. Keep it up with adding more like this and you will only improve your writing.

    Hayate – What is clear is your enthusiasm for the story and this is shown in your writing. It is clear that you have a grasp of technical language and are expanding on your vocabulary, with use of words such as, “titan” in post 10. There is a mixture of tones around Hayate in your narrative voice that are casual (post 4, “what have you”) as well as a formal one, and it would be good to gain some decision over which direction you which to carry with this part of writing and technique. Keep building on your vocabulary and using literary techniques.

    Wildcard: 6 / 6

    Tone of the thread – for both of you the tone of the thread, with its narrative voice, has highs and lows. It has some effective parts, with a strong serious edge that is humorous at points and gets more terrifying towards the end. You write this well together and keep up with each other’s change of tone.

    Final Scores:

    Flamebird: 78

    Hayate: 69

    Rewards to follow shortly.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  9. #19
    Administrator

    EXP: 104,075, Level: 14
    Level completed: 1%, EXP required for next Level: 14,925
    Level completed: 1%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,925


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    17,840

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Rewards:

    Flamebird receives:
    2190 EXP
    150 Gold

    Hayate receives:
    525 EXP
    120 Gold

    Each also receives an extra 300 gold from me direct for it taking so long for this judgement.

    “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.”
    ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

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