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  1. #1
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    Vanatul Olornis
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    Workshop: An Arboreal Contemplation

    What is the name of your thread?: An Arboreal Contemplation https://www.althanas.com/world/showt...o)-An-Arboreal
    Who participated in the thread?: Vanatul
    Number of Posts?: 9
    Full Rubric Judgment?: No

    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP

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    1) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

    2) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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    5) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.
    Last edited by Vanatul; 06-23-2019 at 07:02 AM.

  2. #2
    Administrator

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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
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    Hey there Vanatul!

    Thanks for putting this up. You weren't to know this but what happens when you submit a workshop is that the staff get a notification in the staff forums to issue rewards for this thread and once that has been dealt with, we then put up exactly this kind of thread. We close the old one and archive it.

    As you've already done the workshop setup itself may I ask you link to your thread in this post and i'll have staff issue rewards to you.

    Everyone else can comment away as soon as the thread is linked!
    Look down at me and you see a fool, look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.

  3. #3
    Administrator

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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Hi Vanatul,

    Could you also please let us know if you would like any spoils from the thread (weapons etc, anything that the bazaar could provide).

    Phi
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

  4. #4
    Junior Member



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    Vanatul Olornis
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    My apologies there Shinsou. I'll refrain from logging in and submitting threads like that in the future, my bad. I didn't even realize that's what it was asking for.

    Philomel: Uhm, no rewards from the bazaar that I can think of?

    Link is now in first post, again, sorry!

  5. #5
    Administrator

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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Thank you Vanatul!! It's all there now!

    I'll be responding to this judgement in a few days
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

  6. #6
    Administrator

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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    This workshop is extended by a further month to get some responses in.
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

  7. #7
    Althanian

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    Gum do Mugu's Avatar

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    Hey, it's ya boy Gum. I'm gonna drop my feedback.

    I always feel a bit silly giving feedback because I'm by no means an authority. But, I do have a bit of a mantra about feedback that I like to share. That is when I tell people my opinion, I'm not trying to change their mind, I'm just showing them what's on my mind.

    So that's the kind of feedback I like to give. Especially for anything creative or artistic because after all how can you have "correct" in an artistic endeavour? Either it feels good, or provokes emotion... or it doesn't and could do better.

    I tend to read and tab out and throw notes down as I read and as I feel. So, for that reason I give post by post feedback. I hope that's cool?

    Anyway, blah, blah--sorry for going on too long before even beginning my feedback.

    Post 1

    In the opening post, I really like the way the character's state is introduced via allusions rather than a punch in the nose. When we have an idea that is maybe concept heavy there's a temptation to just wiki dump in the way a bad anime might in its first episode, you know? I do it all the time and then have to go back and trash a post and start over. Anyway your writing style totally avoids that, and I think that's awesome.

    Speaking of the first post, I also like "curiosityhungerworry" -- what a dope way to communicate that feeling for the character. It describes a muddle and a blur, and it is a muddle and a blur. That's awesome. I also love unconventional and the improvising with the language like that. Unpredictability and stuff that makes me double take is something I enjoy, and that goes for the story itself as well as--like in this example--in the language. Love it.

    Post 2

    "liquid brown eyes" -- really got my attention. I never really thought about it, but squirrels and rodents in general really do have that kind of watery look to their eyes. Really nice description. I'm gonna stare a guinea pig in the eye next time I'm at the pet store.

    I closed my eyes, sun and shadows dancing against my eyelids as the light filtered through the branches and leaves above me.
    One point here where I think you could swap something out is the use of "dancing" just because you've used it a couple of times already to describe the squirrel's tail movement and the movement of your character's hair. It's a perfectly good verb in that context of course, but it's a good opportunity for some variety.

    Post 3

    Wind rustled my hair, lifting it from my scalp.
    Really relatable, I'm sure we've all had that happen. The way you connect me as a reader via the character's experiences is totally accomplished. That's a skill I admire in Storm Veritas (although he doesn’t use first person I think) and he's one of the very best so you're in good company.

    Koliss take it it was times like this that I really wished Thaelis hadn't gone to take care of something and left me alone - he'd know if some ghoulish thing was living in this forest that would love to make a meal of my innards.
    I don't quite follow the underlined part of that sentence. Is that a comprehension issue with me or a spot missed in proof reading? I'm a terrible proof reader, so I know sometimes it be like that.

    Right, no time for dallying.
    This line had me smiling.

    fire, fire I knew. Fire I trusted.
    And again, in post 3, I really appreciate how you introduce your character’s ability with fire. It’s a nice, easy introduction for the reader and for Van. Really cool.

    Post 4

    Well.
    Again, I really love the unconventional use of grammar that brings me directly inside the head of Van. Very human, very relatable--who hasn’t said or thought “well” as a complete sentence? So, why not write it that way?

    At this point in reading, I’m appreciating the purpose of this thread is to announce your character and his abilities, talents and backstory? So, again, I go back to the praise for how you’re doing it. It’s all very gentle, very natural.

    I understand more and more about your character as I read, but without feeling like I’m being forced to read a VCR manual about your character. Good stuff.

    Post 5

    In this post, I was impressed with how you managed me because, I’ll be honest, by the third paragraph I was starting to wonder… “Oof, am I really gonna read an entire post about leatherworking” and that was exactly when you call back to the interesting allusions about Van’s backstory in your opening post.

    Well played. You manage movements between events, even minor ones, very well. It makes everything flow well.

    [quote]My last memories had been that my closest friend and I had been pursuing one such magus, who wanted to enact…..something….. by going into the past.[/u]

    Nice reveal. You’re building really nice momentum about your character’s importance and doing it while nothing out of the ordinary is going on. Very cool.

    Post 6

    Post 6 is good. I like how your character struggles from one explanation to another. And then how jarring the notion of reincarnation is played out well. I would say though, that for me, the pacing picks up a bit in this post and maybe could be slower but, on the other hand, maybe not. Because I can see how Van’s mind picks up speed as anxiety about his body not being his own sets in.

    Post 7

    Nice action post, well paced, and I enjoyed it. Nice foreshadowing earlier about the threat from the treeline. Again, as a reader I’m going along with the character i.e. I’m so interested in Van’s origin that I kinda forgot about the threat of the unknown in the same way Van did. Really dig it, cool.

    Post 8

    I like how you’re using the cat attack again to just add more seasoning to the character. The way you play out Van’s concern about his body’s poor conditioning via the encounter is seamless. It’s also kinda a nice knowing meta nod to readers about Van as a level one character who will grow strong in time.

    Clods of dirt and grass flew into the air behind the pounding feet, some ripped up by sharp claws.
    Nice suspense development.

    White hot pain shot through me as fangs ripped into flesh.
    Didn’t expect the cat to land a bite. At this point I’m v. involved and interested in the outcome for Van.

    Post 9

    There was a flicker, a dance of light and hat sparked from nothingness, one that rapidly grew.
    Heat?

    The orb of flames I had shot down its mouth as a chaser for my flesh had cooked its throat enough that all it could let out were croaks and gurgle.
    Gotta be real, at this point I’m feeling a bit sorry for the old cat. And I’m a hands down dog person! Joking aside, good action and coming to a good resolution.

    Also, 10/10 for the little bit of comedy at the end with all of Van’s leatherworking going to waste. Very droll.

    Conclusion

    Well, I really enjoyed reading that. I liked the length, it was the right length for the events. As I was saying, I liked the development of the character background.

    How to improve it?

    Hmm, well, I'd say consider giving more time to the environment. Which, is maybe a bit harsh because you do a good job of describing the environment but... I think it's a delicate balance because if you get bogged down in describing too much environment then it can lead to some bloated (boring) prose. But! With delicacy and brevity you could add something I suppose.

    Again, about the environment, and this isn't necessarily relevant to your character yet because of Van's confused state. But it can help to "name check" locations to make the thread interconnected with Althanas and more interesting to other writers here who've also had their characters do fun stuff in said locations.

    Last thing I would say as a point for improvement could be variety in vocab because you use a few words multiple times like "scoop" and "dance". There's nothing wrong with reusing words, but I gotta give feedback and I guess that's something I noticed.

    Anyway, thanks for the fun thread Van. Really appreciated it.

    💙💙💙
    ( i like water ) O o . ζ°)))彡

  8. #8
    Administrator

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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Gum do Mugu receives 500 EXP and 30 Gold.
    Extra given because time taken to award rewards.

    Discussion had with Vanatul about commentary from moderator.
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

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