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  1. #11
    Legend

    EXP: 29,902, Level: 7
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    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    121

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    As she skidded to a halt, broken glass from one of the many shattered mirrors cracked beneath. From one mirror which reflected behind her, she saw Shinsou’s eyes glow. She gaped when her magic affinity sparked and a loud noise filled the room. She turned with wide eyes to see an abyss of magic open behind Shinsou. Once again, she was reminded of how remarkable this man must be. She was visibly nervous as confidence turned into fear. She took another step back, swallowing.

    From behind the stoic man, multiple projectiles formed. Felicity buckled down, trying to judge whether to dodge or – too slow! Without a single sign of visible command from their caster, the projectiles zipped in all sorts of directions. Instincts and more importantly training caused Felicity to bring her arms up to cover her face. The sound of glass shattering erupted from above and around her as she felt the projectiles rip through her feeble clothes, into her flesh.

    One projectile was lodged into her arm, where her left eye would have been cut clean out. Another was buried into her upper right leg. One barely slit her side. One more seriously was stopped by her ribs from breaching her inner organs. The last was the most serious, as it had slammed and shoved into her heart.

    Felicity’s timer for life was set at approximately twelve minutes.

    Another timer was being set as well, however.

    Above her, the delicate glass chandelier was torn from its place as the jewel of the ceiling. It fell, three stories down, and landed right on top of the already wounded girl.

    A moment passed by.

    Then… a red, magical aura arose from the shattered structure.

    A fist pounded out from the wreckage. Blood seeped from countless cuts as Felicity stood up, survived, covered by her nuclear cloak. Hair down, half covering her eyes, a chilling roar echoed across the room of mirrors. This was no longer a girl Shinsou was facing. This was an animal. A beast. A monster of pure, unrestricted rage. Insanely strong, immune to pain, emitting radiation sickness, wrapped with burning nuclear energy. The cost of cutting her this many times was deadly.

    Seventy seconds to go.

    Darting from the pile of glass, the creature awkwardly limped as the ribs, leg, and heart were pushed beyond human limit. No sanity was left in deranged, shaking green eyes. Tongue out like a dog’s, scream after scream shouted. The force of her racing caused nearby mirrors to shatter as the thing closed in on Shinsou, blindly swinging with fists and kicks. It operated on two things, two things only.

    Wrath and Instinct.
    Last edited by Flamebird; 10-10-2019 at 09:24 PM.

    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Cool Crap Not in Character Sheet:
    - Prevalida Katana!

    Felicity Playlist.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  2. #12
    Administrator

    EXP: 108,788, Level: 14
    Level completed: 32%, EXP required for next Level: 10,212
    Level completed: 32%,
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    695

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar

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    Shinsou had seen a lot of inexplicable things in his life. He had seen Storm Veritas defy gravity using magnetism. He had witnessed Joshua Cronen kill a greater Thayne with his fists and feet. He had watched as Philomel van der Aart had levelled an entire city block with an earthquake. He had seen Elijah Belov carry himself great distances at unfathomable speeds. He had stood in awe as the ground under Shinsou’s very feet cracked and shattered under the force of Nanashi’s conjurings.

    Now, however, the Telgradian truly faced the inexplicable; a girl who could spit in the face of death.

    His eyes seared beneath the tips of his soaked hair as the glittering pile debris of glass, brought down from the floor above, smashed into dust. Arcane energy, sour like raw citrus, flowed from the source. Hot, thick air pushed back against him like syrup, clinging to his skin even as it resisted his movements and making it tingle like early stage paralysis. The world slowed to his mind as the sickness once again gripped him. Shinsou’s counterattack had been furious and had clearly caused devastating injuries to Felicity, but his underestimation of his opponent was now even more apparent.

    How…?

    The world to the front of the Telgradian was suddenly covered in a duality of discomfort; firstly, a blanket of shimmering dust from the vaporized glass matter, and secondly the fresh hell of a new, more potent dizziness. He saw, through the cacophony and the chaos, the wobbling form of the Neanderthal rise from the pile. It didn’t even seem like her anymore; just a mess of red, and her blood soaked form was hunched and feral like the worst of Xem’zund’s monstrosities.

    Time stood still for a moment as Osiris tried to comprehend what he saw as the lances of dark matter, those crude, destructive things, protruded from her sickeningly. Then, with a snap, they simply shattered from the force of her aura.

    I need to use all my power. If a direct hit from Enpera Kurohitsugi failed, then I-

    Then, she rushed him.

    As the radiation sickness sapped the last of his Hakai release from his body, all he could think to do to avoid her was jump hard to his right to avoid the coming storm. Her charge was shattering even the landscape around her, incinerating everything in its wake. It was then that Shinsou did something stupid. He knew he wanted to move, but his legs failed him. So, he froze. He froze, and his life didn’t flash before his eyes because he was too fucking scared to think. So, he froze, and pulled a stupid face.

    The enraged Felicity smashed into him so violently that he cough up blood. The sheet of glass he stood on, the actual floor of the arena, cracked further and sprayed out volumes of white hot glass dust as the Telgradian’s pulverized body crashed and skidded to the foot of the staircase. Shinsou flailed and pushed himself, bruised and battered, back to his feet. The pain was agonizing, now. He could feel the leather of his boots burn to a crisp under Felicity’s thick radiation, giving a sensation of them fusing to his skin.

    The world around him seemed to be blurring into a sickly haze, like an oil painting ruined by a water spillage. His joints ached where Felicity had struck him and where he had impacted the cold, hard floor. Refuge, rescue, or relief from the pain of his burning wound was urgently needed, but none looked promising. Blood flowed in crimson torrents from his lips, dripping down his charred skin.

    He could only think to do one thing with what power remained in his body. His breath was labored to the point of almost choking and his strength felt sapped from the returning radiation sickness, but eventually the Telgradian, swaying like a rubber man, steadied himself. He looked down to his right to see that Enpera had been knocked within his reach with the force of the shoulder charge. He bent down, and locked Enpera in his soot smothered grip.

    “You’ve pushed me to my limits,” He panted to her, his eyes narrowing, “…if you can hear me inside there, Felicity Rhyolite, you have my congratulations. But, you’ve run out of road.”

    Shinsou closed his eyes, his cheeks red and searing and his eyes jaded and watering from the pain he was in. He raised Enpera, and slashed it across the air in front of him.

    Danzetsu.

    Impossibly deep blacks smouldered with barely suppressed power as everything around Shinsou whipped into a furious twister of arcane energies. Once the fog of smoke and electricity rolled away, the Telgradian’s physical form stood for all to see. It defied mortal comprehension; impossibly beautiful musculature, eternally intimidating visage complete with black eyes and waist length hair. The Neanderthal, growling like a mad beast, stood as her energy ferociously forced itself into each and every surface, further fissuring the already battered scenery.

    He raised his hand up, and outstretched two fingers. At the fingertips, an orb of marbled black and dark green the size of a fist spun wildly.

    Oscuras.

    Shinsou Vaan Osiris had decided to release his trump card; a thin, powerful particle beam of dark matter. The orb warped and stretched into a cylindrical flow with an almighty crackkkkk, before tearing through the air at terrifying speed. The scent of ozone filled the air as the chemicals in the beam reacted with oxygen, burning it, but even as the frighteningly powerful shot ripped reality asunder, the Telgradian was already on one knee, the combined toll of the radiation, the exhaustion and the drain of his second transformation proving too much for even him.
    If you can read this, you are posting too close.

  3. #13
    Legend

    EXP: 29,902, Level: 7
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 5,098
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 5,098


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    121

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Fifteen seconds.

    The room of mirrors was in distress. The floors, the walls, the mirrors… Everywhere, shattered remains were scattered and reduced to dust as both opponents operated in their final forms. Magic swirled and danced. The only remaining mirrors cracked slightly as the reflections of devastation whirled around them like furious storms.

    As Shinsou readied his last resort, it was down to ten seconds for Felicity.

    Fight! Destroy! The thoughts this creature were having were far and in between. Truly mindless, the thing stalked towards the transformed man best as broken hips and wounded heart let the body go.

    Then… *Shree-*

    Eight seconds.

    A bolt of dark matter pierced the body. A gaping hole was left where the heart should be. The enhanced blood of the person immediately poured out, but the glazed eyes of the monstrosity were not fading yet. Another step as blood puddled on the floor.

    Five seconds.

    A second step, unbalanced and struggling to function, - not due to pain but due to the sheer damage taken. It was only one step away from the sick, kneeling man it saw in red.

    One…

    The cloak steadily faded like mist. The seeping radiation fizzled out as the twisted look on the child’s face immediately changed. From blind rage to horrifying agony, the sickness she herself experienced after her cloak left was only thrown atop the massive heap of wounds she had taken. Her time was up.

    Vomit and blood started to ooze from her mouth as she immediately collapsed. Jaws widened, eyes opened in shock and torture. Her bleeding, heartless body convulsed in a series of violent, exhausted jerks before it froze still. Even as vomit still flooded from her mouth, her face was shadowed in a way only the dead looked. Two terrible seconds of a wound that would of killed the average person instantly, and Felicity Rhyolite was deceased.

    Shinsou Vaan Osiris had a well earned, painful victory.
    Last edited by Flamebird; 10-10-2019 at 09:26 PM.

    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Cool Crap Not in Character Sheet:
    - Prevalida Katana!

    Felicity Playlist.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  4. #14
    Administrator

    EXP: 108,788, Level: 14
    Level completed: 32%, EXP required for next Level: 10,212
    Level completed: 32%,
    EXP required for next Level: 10,212


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    695

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar

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    Felicity Rhyolite, or at least whatever that form was of her, was dead.

    The ruckus of conflict was no more, replaced only by a sudden, eerie silence. The remnants of the mirrored vaults and reflecting alcoves now sang only to the whisper of the Telgradian’s labored breaths as he took everything in, alone. Columns of shattered glass smoldered in the wake of the nauseatingly hot remains of Felicity’s corpse. Then, Shinsou finally reeled, his Danzetsu form peeling away from him as Enpera clattered to what remained of the floor. In the cracked surface of the mirror, steamed from his breath, the gaunt Osiris watched as the jet black hair of his transformation shriveled back into his short brown bangs, and the runes that covered his body simply faded back into his skin.

    It was just like that night in Radasanth, when the meteorites had laid waste to the city; the pungent odors of burning flesh and flame, but with the new sensations of retching and dizziness, pounding ears and watery eyes.

    Shinsou coughed violently, but he spared himself a little ironic chuckle. His curiosity had truly gotten the better of him this time, and he wondered, as his legs gave way underneath him; was this what the Citadel did to people, with its honeyed whispers of immortality and lack of consequence?

    The questions faded from his mind as the familiar blue light of the Citadel’s monks enveloped him, ready to bring him home. The world blurred into ocean blue, but Shinsou’s mind blanked with numbness. In the darkness behind his eyelids, he could see only one face.

    Felicity Rhyolite.

    Ragged nails dug into his palms. Teeth bit into his lips. Then, he smiled.

    Sheepish from behind his soaked hair, Shinsou knew he had succumbed to the temptation. He was even more curious. That redheaded girl, the only green speck in a sea of red and blue, was unique; a beautiful blade that needed tempering and shaping into something to achieve her true potential.

    Never once did the smile leave his face, until the world went black.

    ***

    There was a rush of air, then absolute darkness. A few minutes passed before Shinsou Vaan Osiris’s golden eyes opened, peeling the oblivion of death away to reveal the frigid, cold greys of the ceiling of the Citadel’s medical wing. His limbs felt heavy and cumbersome, and as he rolled over, a monk hung over him for what seemed like an eternity.

    “Welcome back. Please, do not move too much. We are still healing your wounds.”

    The voice was muffled, as if spoken underwater. It was always the same with the Citadel after a fight. The Telgradian hated this part of the process the most, where the Citadel’s unique magic interfered with the brain and forced it to struggle to make sense of anything; like a hangover. He’d always look down upon himself, stunned to see there were no wounds. Checking himself twice, thrice, and once again after, it would take a few hazy minutes before Shinsou realised he was completely clean of any cuts or blood because of the Ai’Bron.

    "You took some serious damage in there," The monk said, a blasé expression plastered over his face as his outstretched palms hovered inches from Shinsou’s body. "I have to say, I’m surprised.”

    Osiris’s face contorted with confusion. “Why?"

    "I’ve watched you a lot in here," the priest continued, in a substantially hushed tone. "You’ve killed a lot of people, and you’ve been killed before. But you’ve never come out with injuries like this." Shinsou turned his head entirely, staring the monk square in the eyes. Osiris’s mouth tightened into a smile.

    “Yeah, you're not kidding. Where is she?” He asked.

    The monk shook his head and sighed. “Four doors down from here. You really want to do this?”

    "Oh, don’t worry, I’m not looking for round two," Shinsou responded, rising to his feet, "The girl intrigues me."

    The Telgradian straightened his neck, drawing back his head before brushing down his white coat. The monk hung precariously over him, a very deep expression of worry spread over his visage. “Please don’t cause any trouble here. It is not our place to get involved in political matters, but if you're recruiting for the Brotherhood, it could be...problematic.”

    "I'm not recruiting," The Telgradian continued as they exited the room together and continued down a sloping, torch-lit hallway. "But i'm interested in her personally. She took me to my limit, but that power of hers is dangerous. Inside the Citadel, sure, no problem. But out there? No, I’d like to speak to her…that’s all."

    The monk sighed. “Well, just don’t do anything stupid.” He nodded, giving up on trying to convince his patient, before waddling off to other duties. Shinsou walked a few paces around the corner, to the fourth door. It was already ajar, and through it he could see the redhead, sat on the bed, directly in front of him.

    Felicity’s eyes met his own through the gap, and she froze, unsure of whether he was a threat. So, he knocked politely and entered.

    “How are you feeling?” He started, leaning against the wall. “I came here to congratulate you. In all my time here, no-one has ever pushed me like that. You were fierce, you were relentless and you surprised even me. But..I'm worried. You’ve got power, and you’ve got skill. What you don’t seem to have is control. What happens if you go nuts out there, in the world, like that? If you can do that to me, then what about the commoners out there?”

    There was a momentary pause as Shinsou thought about how to word his thoughts. He wanted to be careful not to patronise the young girl, but needed to be concise.

    “You don’t have to agree, but I might be able to help you control it. It's not just about that form, either. It’s clear to see that you are sharp, but you have more potential than I think you realise. I want to help, if I can. Sharpen you up, teach you a few things and hopefully get that form under control. What do you say, Felicity?"

    With that offer, and an outstretched hand, what had started as a lesson in curiosity had left Osiris with the machinations of destiny to contend with.
    If you can read this, you are posting too close.

  5. #15
    Legend

    EXP: 29,902, Level: 7
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 5,098
    Level completed: 37%,
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    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    121

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    White fluff fell from a strangely clear sky. The delicate particles were not the ash Felicity had grown accustomed to. Rather, it was a substance Felicity recalled watching fall from the heavens since she was a toddler.

    Snow?

    Strangely, it was not bitterly cold like Eiskalt could be. Yet, the glistening pine forest surrounding her reflected the wonders of a beautiful winter day. Felicity glanced around the forest, the pine scents dancing around her nose.

    Where am I?

    “Felicity?”

    That voice. Felicity recognized that voice. Her eyes widened. It was a voice she thought she would never hear again… She turned to see his face. Oh, his precious face! His face was rather similar to her’s, save the smaller forehead. Blue eyes and short, black hair were gentle as the smile on his face. Tears clouded Felicity’s eyes as she brought her hand up to her mouth. “Jonathan? …”

    Jonathan’s footsteps were muffled by the snow as she walked towards her. Felicity’s tears clouded her vision, and they started falling even harder as she felt his familiar hand on her shoulder. “Yeah.”

    The redhead’s back throbbed as she struggled the find the words. The last time she saw him – he was- it was -. Oh! Red vision slammed into her mind. Memories she tried so hard to outrun but never could.

    As if he could read her mind, Jonathan pulled her into a hug. Felicity’s eyes widened. She saw white and blue as she felt his warm embrace. “Felicity, it was not your fault.”

    But-

    “Felicity, stop blaming yourself.”

    “But!-“

    “Felicity…” Jonathan pulled her gently from his arms. With a hand on her shoulder still, he started wiping her tears. “Stop blaming yourself. Fate has its way, and you could nothing.” As her vision cleared, she saw that Jonathan was smiling. “Dad and I are safe, together. When it’s your time, you will see us again.”

    Confusion crossed Felicity’s mind. As the snow floated downwards, she stopped sobbing and continued wiping her eyes. So many questions. What was this place? Why was she here? Panic started to rise as she rapidly surveyed the snowy forest.

    Jonathan lifted his arm and shifted her gaze back to him. “You just died in the Citadel.”

    Shock flooded Felicity’s head. She could not remember, what happened? The last thing she remembered was… the feeling on glass shattering; a heavy object coming down on her. She had blanked out after that. Understanding started to satisfy her panic. Her heartbeat lowered again as she continued to wipe her eyes. “I’m? …”

    Jonathan scoffed, rolling his eyes. “When you die in the Citadel, you enter this place.”

    Felicity raised an eyebrow.

    “Purgatory.” Jonathan explained. He motioned the evergreen landscape surrounding them. “You will be back soon though.”

    Felicity was hit with a wave of shock, “But I want to be with you!”

    Jonathan sighed, looking away. “I know. But, Felicity, you have a life to live.”

    Hot defiance caused Felicity to flare, “What! And you didn’t?”

    Jonathan raised an eyebrow. “That’s in the past. You can’t let your past dictate your future.”

    He looked back at her with a smile. “Felicity, you have a destiny. You have to let go in order to reach it.”

    Felicity looked down at her hand. The memories were still so violent. “I try to forget! I can’t!”

    Jonathan reached and took her shoulder, this time more firmly. “Then get the help you need. It’s closer.”

    Felicity looked up, another bout of confusion causing her to fall silent.

    Jonathan’s eyes narrowed. “You have a life changing decision ahead. Take it.”

    Fear started to trickle into Felicity’s heart. “What do you-“ A strange bout of air suddenly flew into her chest, then out. Forcefully. She gaped at her cousin. “Wha-“ then again. She was slapped by a bout of weakness and fell to her knees.

    “Wbat-“

    “-You’re returning.” Jonathan’s voice was distant. Felicity looked up, wanting nothing more than to have him closer again. Yet, the snow grew thicker and she drifted away. Tears flooded her eyes as he called out to her, “I love you! Remember, fight! Live!”

    The white shifted into a blanket as Felicity felt herself slam into a soft mattress. It felt like she took a breath of fresh air for the first time. A deep, fresh breath which never felt so relieving. A strange voice called from elsewhere, “She’s back! Full recovery!”

    ~~~

    The bizarre encounter left Felicity perplexed. As she sat up in her cot, alone, her cousin’s haunting prophecy hung over her head.

    ”You have a life changing decision ahead.”

    Her magic sense started to go off. Felicity turned to see familiar, golden eyes staring through the crack of the door. Her eyes widened as the next words entered her mind.

    ”Take it.”
    Last edited by Flamebird; 10-11-2019 at 12:49 PM.

    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Cool Crap Not in Character Sheet:
    - Prevalida Katana!

    Felicity Playlist.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  6. #16
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 48,892, Level: 9
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    Level completed: 49%,
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    Tobias Stalt's Avatar

    GP
    473

    Name
    Tobias Ebericht Stalt
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human, Dehlosian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    First, I'll start with a breakdown and go until I feel I have a firm grasp of how the thread should be judged.

    Felicity

    Post 1
    I understand what you're trying to do with the opening, but several of these sentences could be combined into a paragraph. Three of them are dead when placed alone and detract impact from the real hard hitter: "Perfect, reflecting glass." If you'd hung this out on its own, it would definitely have hooked me harder. As it stands, the first three neutralize the impact you were going for.

    There are places where you could combine sentences, as well. In your first paragraph, the first two sentences. "It was sturdy, too. Unlikely to break under pressure…" In English, the rule for paragraphs is that they represent new ideas, so when you jump from one to the next and start you need to specify what you're talking about. In addition, a pronoun must have an antecedent, which is a noun that it refers to. In this case "It" modifies the glass, but I only know that through context clues. How I would have written this is:

    "It was sturdy glass, and unlikely to break except under pressure." You could additionally expound with a few more sentences to flesh out the paragraph, maybe give her a reflection or talk about the darkness she could see beneath it, something to flavor the scene more. Capitalize on your character's surroundings more when you write.

    In the second paragraph we're dealing with a sentence fragment. "Yet she could smell or taste nothing." is fragmented because you start it with a conjunction- removing yet in this situation would make it an independent clause.

    "The room felt too empty" is bland prose because you're breaking a cardinal rule of fiction. You're telling me the room felt empty- but you have Felicity there as a channel to show this. Don't tell me the room feels empty- I don't empathize with that. Use your character: "Felicity shivered. There were no crowds cheering, nor did she feel any eyes on her. There was nothing, nor was there anyone else. The room went on forever, but she had only the sound of her footsteps for comfort."

    You also switch tenses in your writing. Be wary of that. If you start a thread with verbs ending in -ed, make sure you standardize your writing. Abruptly shifting to -ing jars the flow.

    Also, "Felicity looked up" in (technical) paragraph 2 and "Looking up" in paragraph 4 are redundant. If she is already looking or has already looked up, why would she need to do so again?

    You take an entire paragraph to describe Felicity's reflection in a mirror, and in the very next paragraph, you say "of course, cosmetics were not important." Don't do that. You're shooting yourself in the foot. You're prompting your audience to ask, "then why did you waste your time telling us about it?" It's also irrelevant to the rest of the paragraph.

    "Whoever just entered this room… was a legend…" How does she know that? Just from feeling overwhelming magical power, she couldn't draw the conclusion she was facing someone important, or even relevant. She would be able to tell she was outclassed, sure, but this assumes knowledge Felicity does not have. (Metagaming isn't an infraction, so this won't affect the score- its not good practice, however.)

    Post 3
    You begin with Shin's magical presence buffeting Felicity, but there's no real reaction to it. Pointing out Shinsou's physical appeal here detracts from the idea that you're either in awe or terror of the sheer power he exudes- which begs the question, why even point out his power if it doesn't effect Felicity?

    There's an entire exposition about what he looks like, which bleeds into her switching between bows. With a paragraph, you need to decide between one thing or the other. You can't just jump between admiring his physical properties to drawing a bow. There's no connection between the two- unless you make a clear one, which you don't do here.

    Felicity giggles and her overall demeanor is at a jarring contrast with what you're describing is on her mind. While it's possible that she's devious and that's what you're going for, your diction and tone here don't lend to that. You need to pick words and actions for the character that match up with her- and your- intentions.

    Again, you talk about the magic and how it brings her back into the moment, but your writing says she's been distracted. Overall, I'm confused about whether she's composed or not. It's unclear.

    Watch for simple spelling errors, I haven't seen many at this point, but a quick read-over or spell check can catch these.

    You attempt parallelism with Shinsou in the sentence about mirrors and bad luck, but you could have worded this in a stronger way. As it stands, it falls flat of your intention.

    Your dialogue isn't bad here, if I'm being honest. It might be the strongest quality of your writing. You just need to hone the skill of crafting action together with it.

    As with Shinsou, find a way to show your characters thoughts without italics.

    "...stepped to the bottom floor, footsteps…"

    Calling her the ragechild and saying her face is somber and serious is ironic, and if that's what you're going for then great. I'm not sure it has exactly the effect you want, but I smirked.

    Here's something I hate about role-playing and writing- the conditional statement. When you're in combat, "he would/she would" do something works in a system where you're only allowed to act based on what your opponent does or does not do, and you can't be sure one way or the other. We don't have a system like that. On Althanas, we write stories. You do something. That's set in stone. Your opponent does something. Working together to craft the narrative is imperative. When you leave things conditional, it jars the narrative and weakens your writing. Don't be afraid to take hits or leave yourself in a compromised position. Remember, he who wins the battle does not always win the war.

    Post 5
    Restating your opponent's action in different words is weak prose. Responding to it is not. The difference is in the timing. Shinsou set the "vines" in motion with his post. The burden is on you to dictate how effective they are, not to tell us what they are, or what they're doing. Be sure you in your posts you're not writing dead words. What I mean by that is words that have already expired or outlived their value. Reiterating what's already been stated is another form of redundancy.

    "Felicity's instincts told her to bail." This is colloquial speech, and has no place in the current setting. It jars the flow of writing. "Felicity's instincts told her to move" would be plenty of a change.

    You have a tendency to use too many words to say something simple. There's two paragraphs describing a single action. It isn't necessary.

    Paragraph three, another instance of redundancy with "take care of that" and "taken care of" in the very next sentence. Then there's the matter of the murky sea and frigid depths- a metaphor, I'm assuming, but poorly defined that way. I half thought she was diving into a random sea that suddenly appeared. You have to make those literary devices clear, or they confuse the reader.

    "Two swords clashed" could just be "swords clashed" or "their swords clashed," and "although" should be "but" here. "The magical blade sounded alien to Felicity." If it just sounded alien, how so? Remember, utilize your character.

    "Felicity struck with multiple blows. She went with the flow and eagerly awaited his moves." You could write these sentences quick, like sword thrusts, and precise.

    Avoid rhetorical questions in your writing. "what could it be?" "What was the challenge in an easy fight?" You're going to answer them anyway, presumably- they serve no purpose, and do not add anything of substance to your prose.

    "Melee combat was her speciality." So why did she begin with a bow? This question isn't answered by your writing. It leaves holes in the story.

    You don't need to say how difficult it would be- you've already shown us that Shinsou is more than a formidable enemy with your words. The last two sentences would be better served with a single one, perhaps something like "Felicity trembled with anticipation, a smile on her face."


    Post 7
    "The sound of glass shattering erupted in a chorus of an angelic choir out of tune" I'm not sure I can picture this one, but I think I understand what you're going for.

    "Shinsou clearly had the upper hand." You can omit this.

    Remember your tenses.

    Your action writing needs practice. That's my largest takeaway from you for this thread.


    Post 9
    He struggled. He crumpled. He grew sick, desperate. Felicity kept holding on. She saw in red slits as she clenched him, causing good bruising on his arm as pressure points were pushed. The more he clung to his weapon, the more her anger grew.

    The only thing I'd change above is the underlined portion, which has a tense shift. Other than that, this is proof that you can already use the advice I've been giving so far. Why didn't you write like this the entire thread?

    "Reckless desire to win bolstered her. She was so caught up that all the warnings and precautions of his true strength no longer reached her. Felicity hunkered down and darted right back towards him in hopes of achieving a solid series of punches and kicks. She paid little attention to his next move to make and lunged for his chest and legs. Multiple mirrors reflected the opponents as Felicity dashed towards him."

    Again, this is well written. There is a drastic difference in four days time (based on time stamp.)

    I'm going to stop the post by post here.


    Shinsou:

    Post 2
    Your opening sentence is Purple. It started strong, then dragged on with excessive metaphor until it lost its edge. While technically not a run on sentence, you could have broken it down in several places and made the sentences more poignant on their own.

    In the second sentence, the first comma is unnecessary. "When in doubt, leave it out" is a great rule when employing commas. Same caution as Ashla- be wary of switching tenses, as with "succumbing to a sudden and inexplicable curiosity."

    You wax poetic again with "Like the falling of the cold rains, a sheet of these blue lights moved in tandem across the courtyard; a thousand lost droplets destined to be consumed by the earth." You're using the semicolon incorrectly. It's used to bridge two independent clauses, and you need a coordinating conjunction at the start of the second. In this situation, the second is dependent. "A sheet of these blue lights moved in tandem across the courtyard like cold rain falling, a thousand lost droplets destined to be consumed by the earth." Same two clauses, but you get one metaphor instead of a field of flowers.

    "It was then he saw it," again this comma is not necessary. You do the same in the second sentence. I'll not harp on this bit anymore- you can read back and identify it now that you are aware of it.

    What the hell was that. In italics. Something we do by force of habit as roleplayers is italicize thought. This is actually bad practice. We do not need to differentiate with italics, because it should be our writing that differentiates between what the character is thinking and what they are experiencing.

    Also: you don't need to emphasize words with italics either. That's another bad habit.

    "He’d never heard of Felicity Rhyolite, nor ever sensed anyone with a green aura before." Remember to check for redundancy. You've already told us Shinsou had never seen a green light in a previous paragraph.

    Coincidences is a word, by the way.

    "...took some time to adjust to, but eventually his eyes adjusted…"

    "The room, if it could be called that, seemed somewhat devoid of life…" honestly if it were me, I would do away with 'if it could be called that.' You have more power when you defer to description than you do with bare observation, especially when your observation is made by the narrator and not the character. Like I mentioned to Ashla earlier, don't be afraid to utilize your character to experience the setting.

    "They fell silent as his eyes finally fell upon Felicity Rhyolite."

    Post 4
    Your introspective paragraph takes away from the tone, which is most likely opposite of what you intended. At this point, both writers are guilty of assassinating their own narrative with conflicting word choice and tone. Be aware and conscious of the direction you're taking your posts.

    You transition immediately into praising your character and using the narrative to glorify him. It's not necessary to elevate your character that way. Let the story you tell do it for you.

    Something we're all guilty of at times is jumping away from the present to reflect on something the character has done, but we do it with the narrator's voice rather than the character's thoughts. The character is there to be your avatar. You put them through the experiences you want your audience to appreciate. Focus on that. Don't tell me anything. Show me.

    Your action paragraph is weakened because you state your intent, rather than simply stating "the tendril of darkness coiled toward the bow," or cleverly leaving the motion open ended while continuing with your portion of the story. Play off of each other. Both writers are a resource. Obviously you can't call hits, but you can constructively write and respond.


    Post 6
    You start strong with the dance metaphor, but break into the conflicting tenses again shortly after. Again, you would benefit from combining or breaking down sentences to maximize their effect.

    "Lift, stroke, parry…" this portion is good in theory, but you need more to really close the deal. When you jump to the next paragraph, I can't see or feel his surprise. His pain is visible, you tell me what happened, but you missed this opportunity.

    My largest takeaway for you thus far has been that you choose inopportune times to reflect on the past or Shinsou's culture. Do that in a thread geared toward that. He's here now. Focus on the present.

    "There was no time for dawdling." I find this ironic because a lot of your exposé has dawdled, and you're not taking full advantage of the conflict to illustrate a fight.

    ;

    "Never once did Shinsou’s eyes leave the girl, even as the dark magic crescent threatened to consume her, and the black and purple wave faded ever so slightly. Drops of scarlet blood dripped neatly to the mirror floor between his feet, the wound from his arm reminding him that although he wielded power, he was still just a man."

    Finally, something I can take a moment to praise. You actually did well here to form the attack and leave it open ended while not disrupting the narrative or jarring your post in order to cater to Felicity's response.

    (You're not properly combining clauses. If you intend to use two commas and not have your sentences bleed together into run ons, you need at least one independent clause, and at least one coordinating conjunction. The previous sentence stands as an example.)

    Post 8
    "Get his shit together and retaliate" doesn't fit the writing you've done so far. It's jarring.

    Post 10
    Radiation poisoning doesn't just wear off when exposure ends, by the way.

    By and large the post discounts the damage you took previously. I'm not going to say it's impossible that Shinsou could cast his spells now that the radiation is not actively debilitating him, but the lingering effects and the sickness should still be a factor. That said, I'm gonna knock off a point in the Wildcard for it.

    At this point you've fallen into the same trap Felicity is prone to: you're jarring the narrative to make room for your opponent to write.

    "If his strikes were precise, he would impale Felicity. If not, he hoped to bring the ceiling down upon her, crushing her or, at worst, shattering the floor below her with the weight of the glass above. It was a move a little less artistic than the swordplay before, but the Telgradian knew that the time for finesse had long since passed."

    Don't.

    You do your thing. They do theirs. Conditional statements aren't good for a story. They're for equations and philosophy.

    Judgment:

    I have more than enough to use here without scribbling down all the notes for every post. If you want a comprehensive breakdown of the rest of them, feel free to DM me and I'd be glad to write one up for you. That said, I have your points breakdown and final decision:

    Shinsou | Felicity
    Story: 4 | 3
    Setting: 6 | 5
    Pacing: 4 | 4
    Plot: 14/30 | 12/30
    Communication: 7 | 7
    Action: 6 | 4
    Persona: 5 | 5
    Character: 18/30 | 16/30
    Mechanics: 4 | 3
    Clarity: 6 | 4
    Technique: 5 | 4
    Prose: 15/30 | 10/30
    Wildcard: 4 | 8

    Final score: 51 | 47

    Felicity, for your improvement at the end, I'm giving you an eight in your wild card. It doesn't make a difference for the outcome of the thread, but I do want you to know it didn't go unnoticed. I'm a harsh judge, but it's because I want to see you improve as a writer- after all, that's the point of judgments on Althanas.

    Continue practicing and ask for advice whenever you want. One of these days, you can come back and tune Shin up.

    Shin, overall your writing was made of tougher stuff, but only just. You get to go through the emotional blender of reading my judgment and feeling gutted no different from Fel- and you should take the criticisms to heart. You've been writing a long time, and I know you've got skill.

    Time to brush off the rust and get back to business.

    -Tobi


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris is the victor. Congratulations!

    Shinsou gains 3750 Exp and 100 GP

    Felicity Rhoylite gains 1125 Exp and 50 GP

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