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  1. #21
    Ice Ice Baby

    EXP: 22,697, Level: 6
    Level completed: 39%, EXP required for next Level: 4,303
    Level completed: 39%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,303


    Rehtul Orlouge's Avatar

    GP
    2,028

    Name
    Rehtul Orlouge
    Location
    Corone
    Rehtul listened in silence as she explained what had happened to her. She was vague, careful not to share too many details, or perhaps not able to recall many details. It didn't really matter, though. Apparently what was done was done, and there was no reversing that. He couldn't help but frown a bit, the lines forming on his face causing him to look far older than his years for a terrible moment.

    "A curse of your genes, huh?" he asked as he looked down as his hand. He clenched it into a fist as he gritted his teeth. "I think I might understand ever so slightly what you're going through, though your curse is far more physical than my own." With those words he produced a small dagger from within a sheathe on the sash around his waist. He brought it to the center of his palm and sliced. There, in broad light, seeping from the middle of his hand, was blood as deep and blue as deepest stretches of ocean between Corone and the main continent.

    "Blue blood... the mark of a Mystic," he turned toward the window and looked out over the city of Radasanth with, eyes darkened with emotion. "As if being a part of that bloodline is some kind of blessing. Don't make me laugh. The Mystics are a bunch of inbred, feckless fools without the slightest idea of what it means simply not to be who they are." He turned toward Felicity and shook his head.

    "Not that I can bring myself to rise above them," he stated. His hand had already stopped bleeding by this point. "My race is home to a number of unique gifts. My father and each of my uncles specializes in a different aspect of knowledge. Together the family's combined ability rivals that of the best and brightest of the entire world... and what do they do? They shut themselves in the family estate, venturing out only when there's sufficient need to propel them forward."

    "Only Sei was willing to move beyond that at first, but even he... he..." Rehtul balled his hand in a fist and swung it at the nearest wall. A loud twang echoed through the room as a deep blue shard of ice embedded itself in the wall. "He betrayed me... betrayed us," he quickly corrected himself, not wanting to seem overly selfish in front of the young woman.

    "My blood runs blue, but... my family has been more of a burden as of late than they've been any kind of blessing. They're motivated purely by self interest. I didn't see it for years, but that's what it boils down to. I finally understood that after what happened leading up to the dissolution of the Ixian Knights... to a number of them being slaughtered for even being Knights. My uncle, the 'Hero of Radasanth'? It's a bad joke. He agitated for war with Corone's duly appointed officials and brought the full force of the government down on our heads. It was by sheer coincidence that the entirety of the Knights hadn't been killed, myself and Sei included."

    Shaking his head, Rehtul looked at the young woman with a half smile.

    "Be that as it may, I am still an individual and capable of making my own choices. The same can be said for you. No matter how limited those choices may appear at first, I'm sure..." he looked out the window. "I'm sure there's some path out there that leads to a happier place, somewhere we can't see right now." He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the back of his sleeve once more.

    "I am sorry, perhaps that was a little much. What I mean to say is, even if you're burdened by this curse, the path you choose is your own. I suggest travelling it alongside those who you can trust to rein you in when you need it."

  2. #22
    Nuclear Rage

    EXP: 64,948, Level: 10
    Level completed: 99%, EXP required for next Level: 52
    Level completed: 99%,
    EXP required for next Level: 52


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,898

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    19
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
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    Corone

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    Yeah... That was a lot to take in.

    Felicity leaned against the wall, away from the little crater she made. Rehtul sounded like he had a stressed life, chained to his lazy, isolationist ancestors. Even then, he was convinced that he could choose his own path.

    This was somewhat familiar. Somewhat. Felicity had many circumstances out of her control. Her status as an unplanned bastard child, her neanderthal blood, her fateful injection... Yet, there had been plenty of choices she had made herself. Leaving the family that had defended and loved her to chase glory. Staying with a vengeful mentor who slipped off the deep end. She had been unable to save her cousin from death when she came back. Even more, she had been too late to say goodbye with her uncle, who had died lonely in an empty house.

    Every single circumstance seemed to point to the same thing...

    She looked into the ice mirror, laying upon the table several steps away. Through her limited vision, she saw the face of another. She saw her old teacher, bitter, broken, and bloodthirsty. A reminder of what Felicity could become if she truly let her anger take over.

    She shuddered, blinking away the image until she saw herself in the reflection. Her vision grew blurry. She looked towards the wall, wiping her tears.

    Every single circumstance seemed to point to the same thing...

    She was a monster.

    "I..." Her throat grew tight, "I can't trust what they said about me. But..." Her back throbbed, "I can't trust myself either."

    The image of a white cloak flashed in her mind. Owl wings and clocks danced in her memory. There were people she could trust. "I can follow the friends I have to redemption. I believe in them."

    She shook her head, wiping the tears away still. "But... No matter how hard I try, I'm a product of shameful pasts. The future doomed to repeat unless something beyond me changes. I just don't believe in me!"

    She clenched her fist, gritting her teeth as she tasted salty tears. So much anger swirled inside from all the things she could and could not control. What needed to change? She was on the verge of letting hatred for the world take over, and confirming all the things they spewed about her as an innocent child.
    Last edited by Flamebird; 12-28-2020 at 01:17 AM.
    "I can't be proud of anything. I am ashamed of everything."

    "I gave my heart, my allegiance, all my energy for this and got nothing but ashes in return. What on earth did I do to deserve being chewed and spit out like this? Time and time again, it's all the same."


    Felicity Playlist.

  3. #23
    Ice Ice Baby

    EXP: 22,697, Level: 6
    Level completed: 39%, EXP required for next Level: 4,303
    Level completed: 39%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,303


    Rehtul Orlouge's Avatar

    GP
    2,028

    Name
    Rehtul Orlouge
    Location
    Corone
    So that's what this is all about... She doesn't trust herself. Figured as much, Rehtul thought as he listened to her. She had friends at least, that much was certain. As asinine as it might have been, Rehtul kind of envied her that. Every friend he'd ever made seemed to have disappeared or died, and his family was certainly no replacement for the genuine connections he had made. He allowed for a slight concession with his grandparents, who seemed perfectly fine with the way he was and didn't judge him harshly for his own harsh judgment of most of the family.

    "Felicity..." he started, holding out a hand before stopping himself. He stared at his open palm and curled it into a fist before forcing his arm back to his side. He sighed and looked at her with an apprehensive look.

    "Honestly, I can hardly blame you for being unsure of yourself, untrusting of your ability to make the right decisions. All of us feel that way at least part of the time. What you have is a unique power, a combination of curse and blessing, one that I have no experience with how to deal with outside of what we just went through together... However, what you become is no worse in my eyes than the transformation performed by those dwarven berserker types. Certainly they have more control over when they enter that change, but the end effect isn't much different."

    He turned back toward the window and thought about what he was going to say for a few moments.

    "Though, that's not where the source of this issue seems to be coming from. You seem to have many regrets, things you wish you'd done differently. I can understand that, but there is a problem with that way of thinking," the young mage said as he turned to meet the eyes of the younger woman with deathly seriousness.

    "If you did make those choices the way you wish you'd had, none of the bad things that you regret happening would have happened. However, you'd also be missing out on most of the good that's come out of it too. The people you've met along the way that have befriended you, the fleeting experiences of joy and laughter, and most importantly, the lessons you learned from making those mistakes. If you make the right choice the first time based on pure chance, there's no guarantee you wouldn't just end up making the same mistake further down the road, at a more critical juncture that could cost you or someone else something far more dear than you had lost on this path."

    Rehtul got up to his feet and shakily made his way toward Felicity.

    "You make the choices you feel you have to with the information you have. You make a mistake? You either fix it or barring that make it concrete in your mind that you'll never repeat that mistake again."

    He looked at the mirror upon the table, one he recognized as it had been he who made it, years past.

    "What you see reflected in the surface of that is a half truth. You're much more than what you see simply in your reflection. It doesn't show you the people who care about you or the potential you have to be more than you are. I was young and stupid myself when we first met, but there is one thing I saw in you then that I still see in you now."

    Rehtul grabbed a small goblet of water from the table and took a few gulps.

    "Underneath all the shit you've been put through your entire life, you still care about people. You're still willing to be kind where you can afford to be... With everything that's been going on in the world, that's a rare and valuable trait. Just be vigilant so that people can't take advantage of your better nature."

    Another swallow of water passed through his lips with an audible gulp.

    "As for your past? It shapes who you are now and nothing can be done to change it. How it shapes you from here on out is a decision you can only make starting now. I'd focus on that part if I were you. Learning from the past is fine. Living in it is the height of foolishness."
    Last edited by Rehtul Orlouge; 12-29-2020 at 12:01 AM.

  4. #24
    Nuclear Rage

    EXP: 64,948, Level: 10
    Level completed: 99%, EXP required for next Level: 52
    Level completed: 99%,
    EXP required for next Level: 52


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,898

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    19
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    Felicity felt like she was drinking a heavy drink, forced not to gulp by the thickness of the liquid. She had to listen slowly to Rehtul, take his words in slowly. If not, she could gag or even choke. She blinked slowly, tears still falling. She looked away as Rehtul stood up and continued to speak. Felicity liked his kind of advice. He was gentle, but did not sugar coat. He was dead serious, honest. He was telling it as it was, both the compliments and critiques. Felicity could appreciate that.

    She sighed, still leaned against the wall. Her face was wet and sticky with her tears. She put her hands in her pockets as Rehtul finished. For several moments, she was silent. She still needed to swallow that heavy drink. The first thing that sparked a response was the very last sentence. She scoffed, an amused smile crossing her lips.

    Shinsou had told her not to let anyone know of this, but Rehtul had no part in the Brotherhood. Explaining this to a friend miles away from Whitevale could do no harm. Despite her tight throat, she spoke.

    "Funny, I was diagnosed with a disorder literally about living in your past." Felicity lifted her hand, holding her forehead, "It's hard to explain. But, no matter how hard I try to live in the present, I still think in the past. And I can try to reason, but the panic doesn't line up." It did not matter how much she reasoned. The fear always stalked her like a predator. It haunted her like some cursed ghost. It hounded her tracks relentlessly. It wrapped her in thick vines and tied her to the roots of her past. There was no escape. It tormented her day and night. "I'm told it's way more common in soldiers and war survivors."

    Felicity scoffed in amusement, "Ironic. At this point, I can't see myself being anything else other than what these last four years made me. I'm strong, but at what cost?"

    Felicity extended her arm in front of her. Through blurred vision, she looked down at her hand. The hand extended, her off hand, only had four fingers. Her pinky had been mangled as a toddler, and she finally had the dead appendage removed about a year ago. "Sure, I care about other people, but is it enough? One of the reasons I feel angry so much is because of it."

    She clenched her hand, "I could crush evildoers. If someone hurts anyone, I could make sure it was the last time. I want to." Tears splattered on her hand. "But would that make me a monster myself? I knew someone who thought the best way to combat evil was to kill it. She did terrible things..."

    Felicity shook her head, "I don't know what to do. I have duty now, to somewhere and someone, but how do I fulfill it? I have the choice, you said it, but what if I choose wrong again? And how do I escape my own mind?"

    Felicity reached up with both arms and grasped her skull, "I run! I push myself to travel, fight, experience anything to keep myself out of my head but it never works! I can't sleep without the memories coming back! I can't escape!"

    The hoarse barks echoed across the isolated room as she slid down to the floor. Back against the cold wall, she heaved heavy breaths as she struggled to maintain control.

    " If I have the choice, if I care for people, if I'm really that capable, then what's wrong with me? You make moving on sound so simple..."
    Last edited by Flamebird; 01-01-2021 at 10:31 PM.
    "I can't be proud of anything. I am ashamed of everything."

    "I gave my heart, my allegiance, all my energy for this and got nothing but ashes in return. What on earth did I do to deserve being chewed and spit out like this? Time and time again, it's all the same."


    Felicity Playlist.

  5. #25
    Ice Ice Baby

    EXP: 22,697, Level: 6
    Level completed: 39%, EXP required for next Level: 4,303
    Level completed: 39%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,303


    Rehtul Orlouge's Avatar

    GP
    2,028

    Name
    Rehtul Orlouge
    Location
    Corone
    Rehtul listened as best as he could to her explanation of everything going on in her head. He nodded a few times at appropriate places, and kept his counsel up until the end. With a sigh he leaned against the wall as she mentioned he made it sound simple. He gently placed his hand palm first on the wall behind him and began tapping, a regular, unchanging beat.

    He thought back to his friends, the ones he'd lost in the Ixian Purge the Corone government took on a few years prior. Watching as one by one his friends disappeared. He could feel himself starting to slip back to those days, when people around him were in danger simply because of a connection he had with a paramilitary organization headed by one of his own family members. Men and women, many of them mere laysoldiers who hadn't been much more than peasant farmers before joining up with the Knights, pulled from the street for daring to wear the insignia badge of the organization, beaten, sometimes killed.

    "Well, the problem is, it actually is a simple thing," he said, pulling himself from his reverie.

    "Unfortunately, simple doesn't always equate to easy. For example, asking someone to take out the trash is a simple thing, but if there's a giant mountain of garbage piled up taller than a mountain troll and you're just one person, yeah, it's not going to be easy. That's the best way I have to explain it. It takes time... and effort, and in your case, knowledge of healthy ways of dealing with it."

    He neglected to mention that he was still thinking about himself as well when he said that.

    "I'd like to meet them, these people you have a duty to. To gain your loyalty, they must truly be something else."

  6. #26
    Nuclear Rage

    EXP: 64,948, Level: 10
    Level completed: 99%, EXP required for next Level: 52
    Level completed: 99%,
    EXP required for next Level: 52


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,898

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    19
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    Lifting a hand and wiping her cheek, she thought of these words once more. Simple, but not easy.

    When Rehtul mentioned wanting to meet the ones she felt loyalty towards, Felicity closed her eyes. She thought of him, Shinsou Vaan Osiris. His power, intelligence, leadership, cunning... his kindness to her.

    "I was lost." Felicity explained, "I had left my alchemy teacher who just kept getting shadier. I was a wonderer with no family or friend to turn to. I had no goal, no drive."

    She smiled, "Then he found me."

    Still leaning against the wall, Felicity crossed her legs. As the mirror glistened on the table, she lifted her head and rested it against the wall. Still smiling, still crying, she gazed up at the roof in thought.

    "General Osiris took me in, gave me a new home with a new place. I have responsibility now. General of the Brotherhood. Protector of Whitevale. It's a title I carry with honor..."

    The more proper, tight clothes told of that. Sure, they were on crooked. Sure, they were wrinkled. Sure, Felicity's face was puffy from crying and her hair was loose and tangled. Yet, it was obvious from the attire she wore that she took her job seriously. Or at least tried to...

    Rehtul's previous words about moving on sparked in her mind again. "Simple, huh? Moving on? I have a real purpose and responsibility now.." She scoffed. She looked down at her hands, crumpled and limp in her lap. "Some days, I do great leading patrols and helping reassure the people of Whitevale. Other days, all I can think of is the family I lost or the old mentor who..."

    She grimaced at the memories. One finger twitched, but that was all. The physical sensations some days were something else. "It's definitely not easy. Not when they were the ones who made you who you are... But..."

    Determination fluttered in her chest. A hopeful, small glimmer of light in the gloom. She looked up at Rehtul with all the passion and zeal in the world. "I will protect Shinsou Vaan Osiris with my life. He picked me up, gave me a purpose. I owe him everything now. He's the only family I have left..."
    "I can't be proud of anything. I am ashamed of everything."

    "I gave my heart, my allegiance, all my energy for this and got nothing but ashes in return. What on earth did I do to deserve being chewed and spit out like this? Time and time again, it's all the same."


    Felicity Playlist.

  7. #27
    Ice Ice Baby

    EXP: 22,697, Level: 6
    Level completed: 39%, EXP required for next Level: 4,303
    Level completed: 39%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,303


    Rehtul Orlouge's Avatar

    GP
    2,028

    Name
    Rehtul Orlouge
    Location
    Corone
    Rehtul listened and nodded through most of what she said. When her eyes lit up, however, he found himself unable to move, even so much as a movement of his eyes. He had rarely seen anyone talk of another with so much zeal, at least not since the disbandment of the Knights. When she finished, he had to tear his eyes away and stare for a moment at an empty space on the wall.

    "Alchemists..." he latched onto one of the first things she said as he tried to order his thoughts about how she talked about this Osiris fellow.

    "Alchemists can easily fall into shady activity... they know the most of potions and poisons, after all. They tend to ask whether they can do something rather than if they should..." He was talking more to himself than to her, fighting to put disparate thoughts together into a coherent line of thought.

    Rehtul drew a line with his finger in the air. A shimmering mist formed in the air, drawn from the moisture in the air.

    "You've actually found someone you want to follow, with all your heart, someone to protect," he chuckled, though there was a slight tinge of remorse in his voice.

    "I'm actually quite happy for you. It's something everyone needs, a cause to fight for." As the last few words left his mouth, Rehtul tensed up visibly, and the hair on the back of his neck began to stand on end as his eyes dilated and the temperature in the room dropped noticably.

    "I have my own goal, though I doubt it's as... commendable as yours," he said, his voice little more than a growling whisper. He clenched a fist and forced himself to calm down.

    "Still, I'd like to meet this man, if possible."
    Last edited by Rehtul Orlouge; 01-10-2021 at 09:43 PM.

  8. #28
    Nuclear Rage

    EXP: 64,948, Level: 10
    Level completed: 99%, EXP required for next Level: 52
    Level completed: 99%,
    EXP required for next Level: 52


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    1,898

    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    19
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
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    Corone

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    The darkness in Rehtul's voice was not lost to Felicity as he spoke of his own goals. However, he purposefully changed the topic back to her, giving Felicity the idea that he would rather not talk about it. She could respect that. She still found it hard to talk about her own traumas in detail. What truly troubled her was the chill in the room, easily caused by the magic she felt in the air. Felicity was so used to cold weather, thanks to growing up in Eiskalt, but this chill was different. Once again, the darkness had not escaped her. She did not even realize she was starting to tremble a bit until she looked down at her hands to see them shaking. She grasped her hands and squeezed, attempting to calm down. A deep sigh followed, and she tried to pick up the conversation again.

    I've been through a lot. You obviously have too. What does drive you?

    Felicity let go of her hands forcibly. She awkwardly wiped her eyes as she gulped to ease her tight throat. "Shinsou is a calm, intelligent man. He's not perfect, no one is really. But he's a good mentor." Felicity was unable to meet his eyes in the frosty atmosphere as she continued, "Please feel free to visit Whitevale sometime. It's a nice town. I would be happy to accommodate housing there - just not my house!" Her eyes dilated, "It's a pig pen."

    She closed her eyes, a small scoff of amusement escaping her lips. "It's been nice seeing you again, Rehtul. I'd... hope I've changed for the better in your eyes."

    Weakness threatened to take over as she stood up. This cold... was too uncomfortable. It reminded her of another person, consumed by revenge, far darker than him. Yes, she had changed. She had experienced pleasure and pain. Would it make her a better person, or worse? She still could not tell, but hoped she could bring some level of light to a dark, bitter cold world. She wanted to be good... could she be? Maybe, she should try to move on first.

    "I need to go." Felicity balanced against the wall before feeling stable enough to push off. The cold wall was starting to glaze with the thinnest of layers of ice. Once again, alarm started to flare as she needed to get out.

    Move on!
    This ice!
    It's simple!
    Get out! The ice! Get out!


    She shook her head firmly, trying not to sound frightened as she gave Rehtul a final smile, "I mean, it would be great to have you. And it's nice seeing someone from so long ago..."

    She looked towards the door with an ache, the feeling of getting old. "Has it really been four years since..." She drifted off into thought, still compelled to leave the chilled room behind her as she moved a bit too quickly towards the door.

    The PTSD could not be shaken off so quickly. Felicity, however, was strong enough to power through it every day. At least... she hoped she was.
    "I can't be proud of anything. I am ashamed of everything."

    "I gave my heart, my allegiance, all my energy for this and got nothing but ashes in return. What on earth did I do to deserve being chewed and spit out like this? Time and time again, it's all the same."


    Felicity Playlist.

  9. #29
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
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    34
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    Telgradian
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    Judgment

    Thank you very much for your patience in waiting for my feedback. This thread presented a few challenges, notwithstanding both its length and format, but I do hope my feedback is both clear and fair to you both.


    Plot

    Story: Flamebird 5 / Rehtul 5
    Setting: Flamebird 4 / Rehtul 3
    Pacing: Flamebird 4 / Rehtul 5

    Total: Flamebird: 13 / 30 / Rehtul: 13 / 30


    Felicity, I felt you started a little slower than Rehtul. In the beginning, I felt you spent too much time explaining the mixture of current events before arriving at training as the reason for being at the Citadel for this “chance encounter”. While there is nothing really wrong with this in isolation, I felt your flaw here (and not just here, but in other areas) was not what you did, but what you could have done. Alluding to the ice mirror (therefore setting up the connection to Rehtul) gave me a hook to read on, but I felt you wasted a chance to start a little more creatively. While Rehtul boxed himself in a bit with his opener, I felt he did more with his first post more than you did.

    You did much better when the two of you came face to face, during the fight and after. I felt I learned more about the actual connection between Felicity and Rehtul from your writing than your opponent. Obviously there is no feasible way that your whole history could be fleshed out over the course of a Citadel thread, but you gave me the bits I needed and made them colourful enough to hold my attention. Well done on this.

    When it came to the final few posts, I found myself in two minds. You did very well in explaining to Rehtul current events, how that affected Felicity and re-establishing a connection with him, but the actual content towards the back of the thread threatened to turn into a muddle of old cliches that unfortunately have begun to stick to and (in my opinion) hold back Felicity. The whole “monster / self esteem / PTSD” internal conflict does lend itself very strongly to your persona, but it felt as if I wasn’t really seeing anything new with Felicity, like nothing had really progressed beyond the last few threads I’d read. I suppose the term I’d use is predictable, and again I think that with your level of skill and creativity you can definitely do more to drive her story forwards.

    Rehtul, I say above that I felt you made the better start. I think it’s always harder to open a thread than to respond, and whilst training always feels like a convenient go-to and an often-overused trope in the Citadel, you did your best to make sure the reader got the most out of it. We not only saw why he was there to start with, but you also gave his continued participation in the Citadel some meaning. However, it would be nice to see (from ALL writers, and I include myself in that) a greater effort to escape the “training” themes of these types of thread.

    The way you conveyed the relationship between Rehtul and Felicity was a mixed bag, in all honestly. You weren’t quite as good as Flamebird at telling the story of the past connection between you. Whilst there were some good snippets, I felt they weren’t as impactful or as detailed as your opponent, but you did much better than Flamebird in dealing with the present and providing the reader with valuable insight into the workings of Rehtul’s mind (especially given his own legacy as an Orlouge). Where Flamebird suffered from indulging in cliches, I felt you took a fresher approach and tried to shift the focus of the story more onto helping Felicity than producing an outpouring of Rehtul’s own insecurities. I felt Rehtul had progressed more and, for this reason, you scored slightly higher.

    Flamebird, I liked your choice of arena. It felt whimsical and held potential for being something out of the ordinary. However, I felt that both you and Rehtul really struggled in this area throughout the remainder of the fight and this is reflected within your scores. My first issue was that the pair of you had different understandings of the locale, with Rehtul believing it to be a subterranean setting whilst your earlier post made clear it was outdoors (“Many shadow colors danced on the forest floor as sunlight filtered beneath the shrooms delightful canopies.”). This, in fairness, is Rehtul’s weakness but I also believe that some responsibility lies with Flamebird here because no post afterwards took any steps to correct that misunderstanding, despite him mentioning it two more times. Consistency was also a problem. In some posts, the mushroom forest was depicted to be radiant / luminous, and in others dark and shadowy. Where I think you both agreed was the swamp-like consistency of the ground.

    Your combined actual use of the setting wasn’t great, and even threadbare in parts. I think there were perhaps one or two occasions where one of you had been slammed into a mushroom or used it to right yourself, perhaps pulling yourself out of the swamp, but other than that the rest of your posts refer mostly to the forest as a whole or the mud without actually using any of it. Most of the time I had little to no idea of where either of you were in relation to either one another or the scenery and it felt like you were operating in a bit of a void.

    Remember, to score well in setting, a writer must go beyond painting backdrops. Setting is not just to look at. It exists to be experienced by the characters, and through them, by the readers. I know that the both of you will likely be seething at this score, as you are far, far better than this one thread (and this commentary) would portray, but this really was a bad day at the office for both of you. I’m happy to discuss any concerns you may have with anything mentioned here.

    With regards to pacing, The start of the thread was very poor and is primarily responsible for taking a chunk out of both of your scores, which prevented it from hitting a 5 – 6 score. In post two, Flamebird had entered the arena and was waiting for Rehtul to make his appearance, which he did in post three. It then took an additional FOUR posts between you for the actual battle to start. I think there was about a post’s worth of solid character development in that gap, which I’ve given credit for, but I felt that it was (probably unintentionally) too stretched out.

    The thread then pressed ahead with some quick and enjoyable action. Even when the battle ended and you both transitioned to more of a story, the pace did not stagnate immediately, nor move too quickly. Where it did struggle to keep me engaged was around the post 21 – 28 mark.

    I felt Rehtul did a better job with keeping his posts consistent and free of un-necessary elongation. Flamebird, I must stress that I think at times you give the reader some really quality content, but at the same time (because of the nature of your writing and your strength of persona) you tend to smother your writing in an overwhelming number of emotions. As a result, there’s quite a lot to process and it does tend to impact heavily on the flow, post to post. This was the case here, to a degree.

    My advice here to both of you is to carefully consider the type of story you are telling. Avoid posts which are un-necessarily long-winded and be mindful of posting anything which adds little to the story or gives your partner very little to work with (I think to some degree this was the problem at the start). Make your posts fit the story, and try to match each scene’s mood. Remember, whether more reserved or raging quick, your posts should aim to move the story along at a sustainable and believable speed.


    Character

    Communication: Flamebird 7 / Rehtul 5
    Action: Flamebird 5 / Rehtul 7
    Persona: Flamebird 8 / Rehtul 7

    Total: Flamebird 20/30 / Rehtul 19/30


    Flamebird, communication and persona are areas where I thought you stood apart. You have a real grasp of Felicity’s character and how she communicates, but also understand the timing and placement required to make dialogue effective. For example, the first rule of communication is that the dialogue must be sensible and believable between characters. Her thoughts are to the point, plot relevant and are often designed to emphasize an important event. You mostly avoid falling into the trap of too much dialogue during battle, and what you do have Felicity say fits well into her persona.

    Rehtul, comparatively your score isn’t bad. I must stress that there are times when your dialogue really sustains the content and the pacing of the thread, especially towards the end in posts 21-28, but the reason your score doesn’t hit the same heights is that you talk far too much. Often, this is done at times that don’t make sense.

    An example of this can be taken from post three:

    "Hm, well... Where plants fear to tread, fungi will often take their place. They don't necessarily require direct sunlight to grow, so it comes as little surprise that they'd be able to grow easily in a subterranean environment like this one. Though that does beg the question..." Rehtul trailed of as he looked in every possible direction for a wall or roof.
    I found myself thinking “Who is he talking to? What is the relevance of this dialogue?”. If this had been an internal monologue or general introspection, it might have not been as jarring but I would have again been asking the question as to whether the dialogue itself actually contributed to your character. You also have a bad habit of talking to yourself A LOT, mid battle. Introspection and quick, relevant thoughts often help accentuate fast paced combat. There is nothing wrong with the offhanded spoken remark either, but full lines of dialogue to yourself mid-flow really detract from the overall pacing and feel of the thread. I’m afraid it’s in this respect that Flamebird got the better of you.

    My advice is this; match the amount and content of your dialogue to the situation. In a fight, you wouldn’t have time to ramble as much as if you were idle, and you’d be far more likely to think something quick than say it.

    Action was one of the stronger categories, although (as previously mentioned), pacing struggled a little bit with the overall up-and-down approach to the thread.

    Felicity, first things first. I love reading your fights. There were moments in the fight of real intelligence and strategy, such as the poison arrows. You take hits well, you stay creative and the fight didn’t descend into the hack and slash I so often see.

    However, I do have some issues. Firstly, given the clever thinking behind your poison arrow idea, I didn’t understand why you dropped your bow at the start of the thread upon seeing Rehtul’s ice blade. The idea that it would “end the fight too quickly” seemed at odds with the next sentence that you’d “stick to what you were good at”. Surely, if the bow was your most efficient tool in this situation (as you’d implied), THAT would be the thing you were good at? Given that Felicity doesn’t know what Rehtul is capable of, it just seemed out of place.

    The second thing I picked up may seem small and petty (that isn’t my intention), but I felt needed highlighting as there are implications in competitive RP which I will explain:

    The ice, regardless of its strength, was already melting upon the heat generated by Felicity's radiation.
    I’m assuming here you are referring to the shard that Rehtul had thrown and had gotten stuck in your arm, but that is not explicitly stated. A point of order here; I am certain there was no intention to powergame, but please remember that your powers in PvP do have to stack up to your approved profile. As far as I can see, there’s nothing there to say that your nuclear power can melt ice of ANY strength:

    Quote Originally Posted by Felicity Level 8 profile
    If anyone gets close to it, the cloak can burn and melt hair, fur, feathers, clothing and leather; metals and woods can heat up intensely. it will cause second degree burns on flesh - and third degree burns with prolonged closeness. If anyone makes physical contact with the cloak itself, they can experience severe, painful burns, skin melting, and deterioration. This cloak lasts up until time runs out. After the cloak leaves and Berserk Mode turns off, Felicity may experience memory fog or complete loss of memory from when the power was activated.
    My biggest issue here is the denial of an opportunity for Rehtul to either defend the melting (remember, his ice is enchanted and could be protected in some way) and / or re-use that ice in another way. Remember, you’re dealing with a school user who has control over that ice shard. He would have been within his rights to complain that he didn’t have the chance to defend the melting (he didn’t, which I am taking into consideration).

    Rehtul, the same compliments I gave to Flamebird also apply to you. When you got down to it, you were intelligent, fair with your hits (given and taken) and employed a great deal of lateral thinking. I liked how Rehtul slowly deduced the nature of Felicity’s abilities, and also employed what he had learned in his prior defeat to try and become much more flexible. If I have a criticism, it boils down to the connection with communication; Rehtul talks TFM (I’ll let you figure out the abbreviation) mid battle. Not all of it was jarring, but the majority of his waffle just doesn’t fit the circumstances.

    Prose

    Mechanics: Flamebird 7 / Rehtul 8
    Clarity: Flamebird 6 / Rehtul 5
    Technique: Flamebird 6 / Rehtul 5

    Total: Flamebird 19/30 / Rehtul 18/30

    When it came to the mechanics of the thread, there were a few minor issues but nothing I would describe as life changing and therefore I’m not going to harp on too much here.

    Felicity, your spelling was mostly spot on, save for a couple of typos. On one occasion you wrote “an” as “and” (“In and instant, she jumped from the mud.”). There were a couple of grammatical issues as well.

    Rehtul, your spelling was absolutely spot on (not a foot wrong). Your grammar was slightly off in some instances, and it mostly involved sentences which needed commas. Sentence fragmentation is probably one of the most common literary issues on the site. (“"So everyone knows of my shame, then?" he asked in tones dripping with venomous intent.” – there should be a comma after the “so”.)

    I’m really not going to delve too much more into this, as it was clear you’d both made an effort to spellcheck your work, and the grammatical issues were more by omission than misunderstanding. The difference in score represents the amount of errors each. Good work to the both of you.

    For the most part, both of your posts made sense. I could comprehend what was going on, your sentences clearly described events and logically followed one another. Your clarity score was mostly affected by the disappointing situation with the setting, because despite knowing what was happening, I had no idea where it was happening. Out of the two of you, Flamebird was probably the most concise with what was left whereas Rehtul’s score was particularly affected here.

    Technique was OK; you both have a good grasp of foreshadowing, metaphors, and allusion. I think the fluency of the writing was what separated you both. Rehtul, I felt your writing was a bit “stop-start”. You tended to use short sentences with full stops, rather than attempt to create more fluent sentences. I felt that whilst this improved your clarity, it made your writing seem a little robotic and didn’t flow as naturally or as fluently as Flamebird’s.

    Wildcard

    Flamebird 7 / Rehtul 7

    I love a good battle, and despite what must seem as a bit of a hammering at times in the commentary above I did enjoy spending time on this thread. I enjoyed the fight between you both, and the character development afterwards. It was a long thread and clearly you'd both put your hearts into it. I hope my feedback helps to identify the areas where you can improve, but also to celebrate what you both did excellently as well.

    Final scores

    Flamebird: 59 / 100
    Rehtul: 57 / 100

    Flamebird wins!

    Rewards

    Flamebird receives 2,363 EXP and 320 GP!

    Rehtul Orlouge receives 675 EXP and 160 GP!

  10. #30
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


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