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Thread: Wings

  1. #11
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Thread Title: Wings
    Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
    Participants: Stare

    Wings was, quite appropriately, a story about young Stare growing a pair of wings, and the aftermath of this painful one-night event. It had a distinctly Althanas-y feel to it, particularly with the involvement and interaction with multiple deities. Although the story spans just a single day, the reader can easily understand how the events will have a lasting impact on the characters.

    Plot 19/30

    The story had a strong narrative hook in the form of Stare's agonizing transformation, which was well expressed and described. After that however the rising action failed to captivate the reader, and the pacing settled into a slump from which it never quite recovered. This was partially due to excessive wordiness which will be further explored in prose, however the sequence of events could have been much more interesting and engaging for the reader. Because the most interesting part of the story happened first, and the rest of it was an investigation into that, the climax and conclusion, while certainly present in the form of the verbal showdown between deities and Vitruvion's resolution that Stare will learn to fly, did not have the impact they might have if there had been more than Stare's feelings at stake.

    Setting was generally well described, and in some cases very well described, however the first four posts almost felt like they existed in a void. Stare talks about having saved the city in post 4, but up 'till that point there had been no mention of where they were, nor even any clues really. One significant strength in this area was the use and expansion of Althanas lore, as multiple key locations in Raiaera were brought to life. The reader could have benefited from more interaction with the setting, as at times the descriptions seemed to come without a point of perspective or any really tangible direction.

    This story moved very slowly for such a short piece. At times, it felt absolutely stagnant. Although the opening could certainly catch a reader's interest, the plot did not develop in a way that built tension or intrigue. An example of this would be the way Stare immediately knew that the elf she met in the temple was a god. This felt like a massive leap in logic, especially since several people knew about Stare's connection to Vitruvion, including the recently entrusted Nevin. Under the circumstances, at the very least a moment of indecision and paranoia would have made the reveal much more interesting and rewarding.

    Character: 20/30

    The dialogue was really the highlight of this thread, and one of the only aspects which was not bogged down by excessive wordiness. While there were instances of weakness such as using "Agh" and repeating "help" in post 1, or Galatirion's "Alright?" in post 9 which felt distinctly ungodly, for the most part the dialogue flowed well and had a natural feel that suited the characters. There were a few moments of inconsistency early on from Vitruvion, but once they ventured out into the world he had a chance to shine. The reader enjoyed the first use of "Ansaldo's balls" immensely, however over the course of the thread the curse felt overused, and lacked any kind of explanation as to why it was such a consistent part of Stare's vocabulary.

    Overall, not enough happened in this thread to really help flesh out the characters. While most of the minute actions such as the different ways Vitruvion touched Stare and Stare's subtle (and not-so-subtle) reactions worked well, but there was a distinct lack of larger, more significant and persona defining actions in this thread. Finding more ways to incorporate actions that express the characters' wants and needs will not only help to build a three dimensional picture of them, it will also bolster things like plot and pacing by providing a series of obstacles for the characters to overcome. Like dialogue, persona was generally well expressed without being breathtaking, save for a few minor blips.

    Prose: 18/30

    Considering the amount of effort put into editing this fairly short story, the reader found a frankly shocking number of mechanical errors. There seemed to be a minimum of two errors per post, with some posts containing as many as seven or eight fairly glaring errors. The most frequent problem by far was using the wrong word (such as the instead of that or do instead of go, or of instead of if) These are certainly the most difficult kinds of errors to find because they are tiny and the eye can slide right past them, but they added up to significantly slow the pace with which the story could be read. Reading out loud at a moderate pace is perhaps the best way to find these types of errors, short of having someone else proofread your work.

    One weakness which cropped up very frequently and impacted clarity was sentence construction. The reader understands that this was probably an intentional choice for stylistic reasons, however beginning a sentence with an adjective is an extremely poor way of carrying the story. Each time a sentence is begun with "Slowly," or "Deeply," or "Quickly," it creates both a lull in the reader's flow and a pocket of time in which they do not know what's happening. This leads a reader to have to frequently look back and re-read in order to know what is going on. In general, adjectives were overused, and this more than anything contributed to the excessive wordiness.

    Literary technique was well incorporated in this thread, from allusions to Sherlock Holmes and possibly Beauty and the Beast to extended metaphors and elegant similes. There were, however, some less-than-elegant similes, and some overly elaborate descriptions where the prose became rather purple. In future works, being slightly more choosy about when to use a literary device may be beneficial. This will only give more appreciation to the best ones which are used.

    Wildcard: 7/10

    Effort was certainly put into this thread, and risks taken in the style of its writing, and so an extra point is awarded in wildcard.

    Total Score: 64/100

    As a personal note, I have several pages of notes on this thread including most of the mechanical errors mapped out. If you have any questions regarding this judgment or desire further elaboration on any point or category, please do not hesitate to contact me.

    Rewards

    Stare receives 1650 EXP and 130 GP. 4 AP taken from Philomel for the judgment as requested.

    Congratulations!
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


  2. #12
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Rewards added.
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


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