Fight or Flight

[Kryos]

((Closed to Lexxum Vordic))

Trees rushed past him as he ran. The red leaves surrounding him melted into a crimson blur, staining his world in blood. Sweat fell from his face, his hair, as he pushed onward, deeper and deeper into the forest. His right hand clenched around his sword, muscles straining with effort as he fought to keep going. His breath was deep as his lungs sucked in precious air that fueled his body as it plunged onward. At the sounds of the bloodthirsty howls of the undead behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, eyes catching a brief glint of the afternoon sun. He urged his legs to run faster.

Flying over a fallen tree, his eyes, mirroring the color of the surrounding forest, searched for something that could aid him. Suddenly, he slowed, then veered his course. He came to a halt in front of a large rowan tree. However, he didn’t get closer than eight feet. For it was the teeth that erupted from it’s base that caught his attention in the first place. Careful not to get any nearer, he jogged around the tree once, before taking off into the forest once again, away from his previous trail. His scent should be enough to guide the undead to his trap. He just hoped that it would be enough.

Kryos grinned a minute later, when the undead flew past the trunk of the Dur’Taigen. The tree appeared to burst apart into at least fifteen wolves, each intent on killing their unlucky victims. Sounds of fighting and roars of pain issued from behind him, yet he did not slow. It would be wise for Kryos to put as much distance between himself, and the fighting monsters.

~ / | \ ~

Dropping his muandrian to the ground, Kryos leaned against a tree, utterly spent. His fingers shook from fatigue, and he dropped to his knees. He had run at least five kilometers from the place where he had first seen the Dur’Taigen, and he hoped it would be enough for a brief pause. He blindly reached for his waterskin, and uncapped the container. Drinking deeply, he paused to take a breath of air, then continued drinking, feeling strength slow flow back into his limbs. He let out his breath, and returned his waterskin to his small pack. He closed his eyes, trying to recover from his arduous trek.

Movement. Something was clumsily moving about twenty feet to his right. Kryos’ head snapped up, surprised that the sun had set, and the moon well on its journey. Time had passed. Quickly, summoning some energy, he activated his Lumneye. Checking the area near him, he confirmed that there was only one presence near. And it was growling. Letting his eyes readjust to their normal appearance, Kryos rose slowly, grabbing his sword. His muscles were stiff and sore from his flight, and he winced as they protested. Slowly, he moved into some shadows. The creature was approaching.

Stumbling into view, the undead raised its head, picking up on his scent. It appeared to be a human male. Or at least, that’s what it was. Its clothes were dirty and bloodstained from combat, and his limbs bore many fresh wound from its encounter with the wolves. Kryos’ eyes narrowed. It looked like at least one undead escaped. Hopefully it was the only one, since the rowan was sizable. The creature snarled, and took a step forward. Kryos noticed that it walked with a limp. The Dur’Taigen must have done a good job. Taking a breath to calm his nerves, Kryos prepared to take the only option that was left to him. He slowly stepped into the moonlight that filtered to the ground.

The undead, upon seeing its target, roared. It rushed forward, intent on killing. Kryos, meanwhile, held his ground, sword raised, ready. As the zombie got closer, it leaped to his left with incredible speed. Kryos tried to dodge the incoming blow, but being as tired as he was, received a powerful strike to his shoulder. He fell back, spinning, landing on his hands and knees. Remarkably, his blade was still clenched in his hand. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw the monster rushing forward for the kill. Gritting his teeth, Kryos rose to his feet, swinging his sword in a wide arc. The blade, loaded with centripetal force, whistled through the air, and connected with the creature’s neck. The corpse bulled into him, nonetheless, forcing his breath from his lungs. Throwing the body off him, he rose. But the threat was gone. Separated from its command center, the lifeless body was just that, lifeless. The head, meanwhile, was face down on the leafy ground. It would die, or rather, return to being dead, after a few minutes of an energy devoid system. Kryos wiped his muandrian on some leaves, sheathed it, then turned and left the grotesque scene.

Kryos’ vision was growing dim as he stumbled through the dark forest. Trees became shadows, and the little light there was soon blended into grey. He was aware of dropping to the ground by the trunk of an oak tree, and settling into a giant fold of its roots. Bark obscured him from view, except that of directly in front of him, but he didn’t care. He closed his eyes, and slipped into oblivion.

[Lexxum_Vordic]

Meanwhile--

After what happened not too long ago, I found myself standing alone at Fort Valinatal. It was a quaint fortress hugging the Red Forest near the outskirts of the area. Somewhere nearby, screams of pedestrians being torn apart by an army of ravaging zombies was carried across the wind to my ears. I decided it was best to part ways with my companion, a man named Typheus who fought alongside me and my men. Scattering into the wind, my former soldiers abandoned me to my own devices. It was probably for the best anyway. I stood up from the site of my enemy's attack against my person.

I have no idea how much time had passed since I was hit by the Atma Fire maneuver. Netha'Tu, an enemy commander working under Xem'Zund's himself, called forth the power of the Eternal Tap. I became as one with the Tap energies even after I ate several powerful Arta warriors. That might not have been the smartest idea ever on my part, but it was an effective method of getting rid of any Arta foolish enough to get in my way. In the process of fighting against the Arta warriors, I lost my buster sword but gained something else, courage and determination. I faced down my enemy, but he proved to be my superior in combat.

I don't know how many hours passed between Netha'Tu's final attack on the city of Valinatal and his attack upon my person. Netha'Tu's attack was meant for Typheus, but I took the maneuver in Typheus' place. It burned me to my very core and essence. Scars were freshly placed upon my body and I could still feel the pain. One more scream into the early evening air wouldn't make much of a different anyway. By now, Netha'Tu's forced had invaded Valinatal and took it over. Then they moved on to Eluriand. They were going to reinforce whatever one of Xem'Zunds' Commanders were present at Eluriand and reaking all sorts of chaos there.

I was tired and defeated. Despite the pain coursing through my body from the archaic scars, I managed to stand. It was a weak stance, but a stand nonetheless. I took a look at the carnage my men and I had caused. Seeing the body of a nearby soldier of Valinatal, I decided it was best to arm myself before heading out. I grabbed one of the Valinatal broadswords, the scabbard, and a shield. The more I fought alongside the humans, the more I lost many of the old ways of my people back home. I would have many stories to tell them. The immediate situation was Valinatal itself. I would have to go and investigate it to ensure that I could rescue any survivors. I also wanted revenge against Netha'Tu.

But revenge would wait. At my current level of power, I stood no chance versus Netha'Tu. Taking up the mantle of a soldier of Valinatal, I prepared myself to face the disaster at hand. I could still see the smoke rising from the impact point where Netha'Tu's meteor spell struck the city and leveled it. Thousands were instantly killed and more left to suffer from the after effects of the impact point. I gathered up my wits, and walked towards the Valinatal Site.

[Kryos]

Nothing existed. There was no sound, no feeling, no smell in the place that Kryos existed. The void completely covered anything that might have been there, smothering everything into emptiness. No emotion could be felt. The terror that might have risen in a man was swept away before it could even be recognized.

Slowly, very slowly, Kryos became more alert. His soul lit up the surrounding nether, pushing back the void. Yet he was alone. There was nothing in his sphere of reality. He set off, searching for others, as well as answers. Kryos constantly looked about him, vainly hoping for some clue. There was none to find. Wandering for hours, Kryos walked, not being able to tell if he was walking in circles, or even moving at all.

Kryos suddenly became aware of a light to his left. Its oncoming was so subtle, he barely noticed it. He paused, hesitating, uncertain of what was to come.

“Well, it has to be better than this eternity of nothing.”

He strode forward, dark clothes rustling against him. As he approached the light, it grew brighter, until he could make out people, walking towards him. The quantity of them astounded him. He approached a man, who was walking with a glazed look to him.

“What is going on here? Who are all of you?”

The man ignored him, pushing onward, softly talking to himself.

“The skies grew dark. . .everything was so peaceful. . .the clouds became rent with fire. . .the terrible meteor descended with might. . .the Second Age of Darkness. . .there was no hope. . .no time. . .

Second Age of Darkness. . .

My Nia. . .

Age of Darkness. . .”

All around him, the people were muttering accounts of the same story. Death, fire, and destruction. And constantly, the shiver of the Second Age of Darkness prevailed. Kryos pushed through the crowds of people, mostly elves, trying to obtain as much information as possible. Then he heard something that chilled his bones.

“Valinatal is no more. . .no more. . .no more. . .”

Kryos swung around to its speaker. The elf was in battle armor. A captain. All at once, the information came together. These were the souls of those who had died at Valinatal. Killed by the impact of a meteor, summoned down from the heavens. Kryos stood there in shock, unbelief in his eyes. If Valinatal had fallen, then the next target was Eluriand. But what could Kryos do.

Slowly, he slipped away from the others, returning to the void. He hopelessly though of a solution to the awful terror that gripped Althanas. Just as he disappeared he wondered.

“What can I do?”

[Lexxum_Vordic]

What can I do? An oppressive feeling filled my heart turning the Blood Lizard's emotion into despair. The moment I felt the terrible devil creeping up inside of me I turned on an emotional front. There were people who needed my help, whatever I could offer them. My walk lasted an eternity but it was a walk that I had made many hundreds of times before. It had become instinctual now so I barely even looked up as I moved towards the former city of Valinatal. It was as terrible as I could have imagined it was. My people were born from strife and conflict, but we had a code of honor. We had a sense of justice and of right and wrong. Netha'Tu and his ilk were evil incarnate to their very core.

Frustration soon came. These demons haunted me as I walked and saw the corpses of the dead. Up ahead, battles were taking place with survivors and elements of Netha'Tu's forces that were too stupid to follow orders. All around, the archaic residue that was my enemy tainted the air with the horrible powers of the Tap. All at once, I came to loathe the Tap and admire its efficient nature. Instinctively, I understood the power of the Tap as I'd come in contact with it for the briefest of moments. It was unnatural power, but it promised to make me stronger. So, another day, I would pursue its secrets and seek to control its power. Then, I would have enough power on hand to take on my enemy, Netha'Tu, and best him in battle.

There, at the center of former Valinatal was a giant crater. Digging into the earth like a gash upon Althanas' surface, the meteor site gave off a distinct and strangely glowing energy. The color of radioactive force was a mysterious green hue that subtly affected everything in its immediate environment. That included people. I felt intrigue when it came to that strange source of energy, but I ignored it for the time being. There were more battles to be fought and a different feeling touched my heart when I saw the destruction of Valinatal. This feeling was all too familiar to me, it was anger and hatred. I allowed those emotions to engulf me, filling me with a newfound purpose. The people of Valinatal needed my help! I could do something!

Marching towards Hell's maw, I started the process of investigating the nearby buildings. There were dead everywhere. Fires from the impact site scorched everything with a thick layer of burnt matter. The entire grounds at Valinatal were inexplicably hot. They reminded me of the sands back home at Fallien, only a hundred fold worse. I unsheathed my swords and started to pick off the bodies of those that were too injured to be helped. There were many who were burnt to a crisp, literally. These were beyond the aide of even the most powerful song-spells of healing. I finished the few off that still clung to life and were an unfit meal even for a zombie. The whole affair made me angry and I embraced it. As I explored the first structure that was once a family home, I marveled at the devastation that Netha'Tu had caused.

It was nearly completely. Charred documents and furniture floated in the air as a breeze created a small twister of objects and debris. Hellfire scorched the wind. Everything was hot to the touch. A part of me rejoiced this matter because Valinatal felt like Fallien felt. For a moment, I allowed myself to reminisce of home. I could see desert dunes and this brought a smile to lips. After that brief moment of thought, I put myself back to the task at hands. Suddenly, something stirred in the building I inspected and I prepared myself for imminent combat...

I knew what I could do. I could fight.

[Kryos]

A cool breeze startled Kryos from his slumber. His silver eyes jerked open, alert for any danger, then relaxed, seeing no threat. The moon was directly above him, disappearing now and again as clouds drifted by. He had slept for three, maybe four hours, during which he had seen that strange scene. He didn’t doubt its truth either, no matter how hard it was to accept that Valinatal was destroyed. The grief and fear that radiated from the souls that he had encountered made him clench his fists in anger. He would ensure that they would not be forgotten. But what could he do by himself?

Another cool breeze wafted past him, and he shed his midnight cloak, and wrapped it around his body. He could feel his sore muscles as they stretched, and knew that it would be at least a day before he could get back to normal movement. Adjusting himself against the giant tree, he tried to obtain a more comfortable position. All around him, the trees of the Red Forest swayed, leaves softly rustling in the night, hiding the dangers that lurked within. As Kryos closed his eyes, he tried to remain alert for any danger that might sneak up on him while he slept. After all, Dur’Taigen wasn’t the worst thing out there. He hoped that he could sleep undisturbed, and be ready to move the following morning. He would head west, closer to Valinatal, to see for himself, the horrible battlefield where so many perished.

[Lexxum_Vordic]

Indeed there were many dead and many who suffered. Everyone had lost someone during Netha'Tu's horrible attack. I, Lexxum Vordic, touched death myself. But my Lord Mitra intervened on my behalf and petitioned for my revival. The blood of my people was powerful, well structured, capable of surviving many traumas. I adjusted the grip of my clockwork hand around the handle of my newly acquired sword.

Blood already dripped from the weapon thanks to the suffering that I dispatched. The shield felt heavy against my own body weight, but I lifted it with ease. I'd stolen a sword and a shield from the warriors of Valinatal, as well as a cloak. It bore the embroidered markings of the Soldiers of Valinatal. Shattered glass from broken windows littered the floor around me. Everything was scorched. I saw a metal table and heard the source of the noise.

It was a whimpering sound. I sighed as I prepared myself for the inevitable task that I needed to complete. Moving the table, I saw something that shocked me! A survivor! She was a young Elf wearing a tattered pink dress. She was dirty, but otherwise in good form. She was clearly under an incredible sense of trauma. Looking up at me, she let out another loud shriek that could potentially draw enemy units to our position. I shook my head at the little girl and reached out with a hand.

"Don't hurt me! Momma and poppa are gone! Brother and Sister too! Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me!" She started to cry. I extended my hand towards her, unsure what to do. "Come with me if you want to live." I suddenly found myself saying without realizing why I said the ancient phrase. Traumatized, the little girl could sense that I meant her no harm. She took my hand and I easily lifted her up on top of my powerful trapezius muscle. "The bad men ate my family." She said in a strangely calm voice. "Were there many bad men? These things are called Arta in the tongues of my people." I responded to the little girl acting as her caretaker. "There were a lot. At least twenty of them." Lord Mitra be blessed. A survivor. The little girl was strong and I could teach her the ways of my people. "We shall have to be careful then. Let's go." As I prepared to leave the house, I heard a barking sound nearby. "It's Alk! Alk is still alive. Please, scaley Mr. Can you save Alk also?" I could tell that this was going to be a very long day.

"I shall try to."

[Karuka]

All right, I'm sorry this took so long to judge, but here we are at last! Kryos, since this is your first time being judged, I'm going to go over the categories and what they mean.


Continuity: 5

Continuity is basically asking where you came from, why you're here now, and what you're doing after.

I don't know anything about Kryos, why he was in the Red Forest, where he came from, anything, and you didn't go over it at all in the thread. It was like you were dropped out of nowhere into the story. A key thing to remember is that no matter what, your story begins before the thread does. I'd like to see some backstory. I do know what you're going to try to do in the future, though, and that's a good start.

Lexxum, I got a good sense of where you were, although you kept shoving in clips of the past erratically without tying them in enough that I knew what you meant by them. I'm also not entirely sure where you're going from there, since you died. Though there are several possibilities.

Setting: 4

Setting is the environment you travel through and act on. It isn't just the flowers and trees and buildings and air, it's the apple you grab at the stand and the coin you throw the vendor.

You both tended to ignore the setting for the most part, and then put in excess detail when you thought it needed it. Keep the environment and how you act on it in mind, and make sure the reader has a solid idea of it, too.

Pacing: 3

Pacing is how the thread flowed, if it dragged or rushed, etc.

This had numerous pacing issues. First of all, for the plot that I saw, the thread was way too long for its plot. Thus, it had a tendency to start, then stop, then kinda drag its heels, then rush, then stop, then false start, then start again. It made the thread a pretty hard read.

Try going for a simple plot and making it flow smoothly, and then work your way up in complexity. Also, when your partner charges forward, don't lurch back. When he had everyone ready to head out the door in the clearing, you had half of the team sparring.

Persona: 3

Persona is how well each character (NPCs included) showed their true selves.

For Kryos, I didn't feel like I knew anything about him and who he really was until almost the end. I know that this is his first quest and you're just getting a feel for him, but I'd like you to come forward with who he is, be sure and assertive about it, instead of following behind and taking someone else's lead.

Lexxum, despite the fact that you write in first person for this character, you sound really detached from the character, as though you're telling it from his perspective, but not from his head. He also seems more refined than your other characters, despite the fact that you try and show him as bestial.

Also, the NPCs pretty much fell flat. A good rule of thumb is: if you name a character, give him/her character.

Action: 3

Action is what happens, whether it's logical that it happens, and whether it was within your ability to have it happen.

Most of my comments here are for Lexxum.

First of all, the moon hitting the planet, which was a meteor in the last thread, and which you wanted to tell me was now an asteroid, was illogical. If a meteor big enough to cause that much destruction hit Althanas, we'd be experiencing global cooling, crop failure, perhaps mass extinction, and absolutely no survivors at the site. And if the entire MOON, as it said in the thread, were to impact Althanas, I think the planet might break. And the atmosphere would all go away. Xem'zund and his minions would be pretty much the least of everyone's problems.

Anyone who saw any of this was tricked by N'Jal's magic.

Also, when you described the attack that was meant to save Anne, you said it was "more powerful than any Turlin magic." This is powergaming, you are a Level 1, please remember that.

For the rest of the action, it was about as sporadic as the pacing. Nothing for long stretches, and then lots, almost at random, within a very short space of time.

Dialogue: 4

Dialogue is what you say, how you say it, and whether or not it fits.

Kryos, your dialogue was okay. Nothing was particularly special, but he did talk when he had something to say and stayed silent when he didn't.

Lexxum...when you're going to beat the crap out of someone, you don't have the character talk about it. He's a big lizard man, for crying out loud. He shouldn't be all "I'm taking you in for crimes against humanity," that's Alberdyne's schtick. I'd see Lexxum as more the type to roar and try and bite someone's throat out. I also don't see him as the type to make grand speeches.

Mechanics: 6

This is the stuff that takes such things as spelling, punctuation, and completeness of sentences into account.

Kryos, you had a few typos here and there, but otherwise, you're pretty good here.

Lexxum...most of the comments I've made in other threads still apply. You still have fragments, run-ons, and word groupings that just don't make sense. Also, you kept using "trapezius muscle." Honestly, it's simpler and clearer to say "shoulder." Remember what I said a while back? No jargon when there's a plain English word.

Techinque: 3

Technique is the use of aspects of formal writing.

I didn't see much from Kryos, but from Lexxum I saw an attempt at flowery language that confused me and read more as awkward.

Clarity: 6

Clarity is how well I could understand things.

I could understand most of it, but a lot of things that happened on Lexxum's end had me trying to puzzle through what was happening and hoping it'd get clear in the next bit.

Wild Card: 5

This is basically that "other" category, where we lump in other things that don't fit anywhere else.

I'd like to say that this was a good attempt for a first thread, and I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

Total: 39! Congratulations!

Rewards:

Kryos gains 1430 EXP, 300 GP and his spoils, with the stipulation that the holy spell is a weak one. You can have it amped up when you request your magical item. Blood Lizard fighting style subject to RoG approval.

Lexxum Vordic gains 1780 EXP, 300 GP and his spoils, but the breastplate of the armor has a big hole in it from when the necromancer attacked him.

EXP/GP added!