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Thread: Round Two: (1) Blank v (9) Baneblades

  1. #21
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    Rheawien's Avatar

    Name
    Rheawien Mal'Ganis Lightbringer
    Age
    37
    Race
    Half-elf
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    White
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    5'7''/120 lbs
    Job
    Wanderer

    While her first attack on the legendary Damon was only partially successful, her second one failed utterly. The longsword scudded through the air soundlessly, carried on the wings of her telekinetic energy, and yet the young, seemingly gullible elf managed to predict it. And it wasn’t the sheer fluke kind of anticipation, the kind that tingled your gut at just the right moment, sending out the message that something was amiss. No, Damon moved with a purpose, like a cat that could discern the position of her attacker just by listening. He somehow knew that the swords was coming at him, felt it darting for his blind spot with an intention to end this conflict. Rheawien got a feeling that he could’ve parried the airborne sword even if she plucked his eyes out.

    “What did you expect from the fabled Damon Kaosi? Easy pickings?” No, she didn’t. In fact, she expected a great deal more, a man that would overwhelm her, somebody that looked like Letho on some serious drugs. Someone battle-hardy, an embodiment of a perfect warrior that ripped vampires in shreds with his bare hands while shooting lightning bolts out of his eyes. A war machine set on kill. Instead, before her stood a touch-and-go boy that seemed uncertain and had a certain air of naivety around him. That was bound to be her trump card, her money maker.

    Damon was down on all fours just like she was, his eyes predatory as they stood focused on her slumped body. He was like a bullet that waited for an expression of enmity to serve him as a trigger to rush forward and show his true face. The face of the real Damon Kaosi, the one that led the Brotherhood as the Aegis and slain vampires by the dozen. Or so she thought. Either way, she decided not to give him a plausible reason to attack her at this moment. She recollected the animal from before again, the one that remained calm as the enemy approached. That remained calm when it poked her with the stick. That remained calm when it gazed at her with anger.

    “Please, I... I’m sorry, Aegis.” she started humbly, staying on all fours and bowing her head even lower. She hoped that the mention of his old title would gain at least a fragment of his trust, just enough for her plan to succeed. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I just overheard the rumor that your have returned and I wanted to... test you, I guess. To see are you the real Damon Kaosi.” she looked at him with what seemed like genuine remorse, her real intentions hidden all too well behind her womanly charms. Because nobody could serve a more believable lie then a woman on her knees.

    “I can see now that my doubts were unnecessary. I will yield to you.” she spoke, her right hand grasping the hilt of her katana and unsheathing it slowly, all traces of her battle fury effaced. Her pale hand lowered the blade to the floor before the white-haired elf crawled a couple of feet away from it, ultimately spreading her hands at her side to mimic that she is not a threat anymore. She slowly rose up, holding her hands at her sides. “What happened? When you left the Brotherhood crumbled and now the Sanctuary lies in shambles. Do you mean to rebuild it? Or do you follow some other agenda now, siding with that ice demon in the name of Salvar?”

    She knew there was not a chance in hell that she could get on the good side of the elf given the situation. Battlefields were seldom places where enemies spoke truthfully and after the tricks she played on him, he was bound to keep an attentive eye on her regardless of what she spoke. But there was a hope that her honest atonement and her voluptuous body would veil Damon’s eyes just enough to render his premonition useless. Rheawien decided to drop the bomb.

    “I would still be your captain, Aegis.” she spoke, offering a mild smile and an insidious glance that made her visage regain some of the elven fairness. She knew there was no time like right now to act. The forefinger and the middle finger on both of her hands joined, Rhea flicking them upwards first, then pointing them at the boy. In sync with her fingers, the two blades – the one that Damon parried already and the one that the half-elf set on the polished floor – sprung to life as if they were picked up with unseen hands, their tips leveling with the wounded elf. She puckered up her lips for a fraction of a second, sending him a treacherous kiss as a harbinger of the blade driven by the power of her mind.
    "She wears a coat of color
    Loved by some, feared by others
    She's immortalized in young men's eyes

    Lust she breeds in the eyes of brothers
    Violent sons make bitter mothers
    So close your eyes, here's your surprise

    In your mind she's your companion
    Vile instincts often candid
    Your regret is all that's left..."

  2. #22
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    AsukaStrikes's Avatar

    Name
    Asuka Murakama
    Age
    20
    Race
    Human (Akashiman)
    Gender
    Badass Girl
    Hair Color
    Copper
    Eye Color
    Light Emerald Green
    Build
    5'10"/120 lbs.
    Job
    Vagabond

    Asuka saw the pale complexion of the ice elemental emerge through the doorway and trudge into the room, ruffled and scraped up like someone who had been thrown into the streets of Lyridia. The air about him remained cold and unwelcoming, however, washing over the arena like the unrelenting winter gust. She eyed the ancient uneasily, watching his every move in anticipation of an attack that could well happen in the bink of an eye.

    I shall not fear...

    Asuka kept saying the words in her head, clearing her mind of any second thoughts and hesitations. Her foe was an ice elemental, after all, and ice magic would no doubt be thrown into play. But she had no way of being able to counteract such an offensive, being that she had no knowledge of the Lore magic or elemental magic herself. If the Salvic demon decided to just freeze her over, there was little she could do afterwards.

    I must not fear...

    The swordmaiden feebly tightened her grip, sweat draining off her brows as she waited against the outer wall of the room. Ashiakin should definitely be able to see her clearly even with the shadow of the stone walls encapsulating the central stairwell cloaking her frail figure.

    The tension was palpable. The lass could see the realization on Ashiakin's face that they were in the same room and she knew that the battle was coming to an end. Now that the two warring parties were on the same page...

    ...Let the slaughterfest begin.

    Ashiakin was the first to strike, sending his dagger flying at the stone walls shielding the stairwell. The metal instrument bounced harmlessly off the soolid surface, leaving only a tiny white streak where mythril met stone. But it was a pointless attack in the minds of the Akashiman.

    It surprised Asuka that the ice demon could not see her standing there, just off to the right of the window he had broken through, a blood-soaked sword clutched feebly in her torn hand. But it could just be a ruse on his part.

    I must win.

    "Get your eyes checked, Ashiakin." Asuka sneered at her foe, side-stepping out from the shadow while keeping her back to the outer wall. The glass crunching under her feet as she stopped in front of the open window, standing at the ready. Asuka herself looked no better than the ice demon standing with his back to the lass; her hair was a mess of copper locks caked with sweat. The muddy-brown sleeveless jacket and leather tanktop was streaked with red from her hands, some of the liquid dotting the side of her pants as well. It was a pointless move on her part as well, throwing herself into full view of her opponent. But she had already done what was needed.

    No more running away.

    "I don't care what you say, O, Emissary of Salvar." She mocked him, trying to get the demon on edge. If he thought killing her would be as easy as he thought... "The only thing that would be crushed under the weight of the Empire here... would be you."

    He was definitely going to find it very humiliating.
    Last edited by AsukaStrikes; 05-31-06 at 10:04 PM.
    Hel hath no Fury like that of a Pissed off Redhead

  3. #23
    Member
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    INDK's Avatar

    Name
    Damon Kaosi/Glen Lambert
    Age
    looks mid 20s
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Black
    Build
    5'9"/ 155
    Job
    Retired

    Damon looked on towards his opponent fervently. The round stone fell from his hand limply to the ground, and lip quavered. It just seemed so unfair, so utterly frustrating that this lady would try and offer to reform a group that Damon now knew could never exist again. It had been the work of the old Damon… someone else, someone who probably could live up to all the expectations about tearing vampires to shreds with bare hands and putting on an amazing show for the fans in Lornius. Now, the boy didn’t know what he was capable of, or even what it was that he should be doing. All he knew though, was it must have been tough for him in his past life, if he had been forced to live with all these expectations.

    At first, he had taken the name Damon Kaosi as if it was like a piece of jewelry. A pretty little ornament that he could wear over his chest, impressing everyone he saw with it. Now, he really understood what being a legend was. It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, but a giant milstone tied around his neck, or a piece of clothing that was just small enough that no matter how he wore it, he would always be naked. Damon didn’t like the fact that his LCC opponent now seemed more interested in reviving the brotherhood, or that the fans outside were chanting for him to perform some kind of stunt for him.

    “I- I can’t do any of that,” the boy said earnestly. “I’m Damon, but I’m still just a boy ma’am. I can’t make the Brotherhood again, I don’t have the leadership, and I wouldn’t want someone like you to have to take orders from me. You seem to know what you’re doing much better.”

    The boy wondered how it was that this lady could have been a captain in the Brotherhood before anyways. He didn’t know exactly what a captain was, but given the often positive use that went along with the title, he assumed it was a position of high authority. He also knew that he had been the Aegis, and that everyone had listened to him in the past. It presented Damon with a paradox, one that he didn’t know if he could easily explain. “Would I have said it was alright for her to cut my calf?” Damon thought. “A hero would never give that kind of permission… did she listen to me in the Brotherhood? Was I a good leader?”

    It was the first time that Damon had ever considered his own fallibility. Everything else, up to this point, the boy had been confident. He had taken it for granted that he would win the LCC because of the legends about him and the hard work he’d done for preparation, only to find out that he would need a partner. He had been chosen as the partner of an ancient Althanian legend and future Lornius duke in Ashiakin. Any fears he’d had then had been sublimated because of the faith that Damon had put into his partner.

    Now, Damon was beginning to wonder if he would have ever been able to carry the load that his partner was going to need of him. As a legend in his own right, Damon should have been able to give Ashiakin all the support needed. However, the boy had not only come to the Pagoda late, now he had been hobbled by one of his opponents, someone who was supposedly one of his underlings in the Brotherhood before.

    Timidly, Damon spoke some more. “Can you tell me I was a good leader?” he asked. “I would really like….”

    Then, a searing pain dove right into Damon’s side as a sword jutted right below his arm. It had gone deep, deep enough to be a mortal wound, but it wouldn’t cripple the boy completely. With his spells and determination, Damon knew that he still had time to do one last tornado before he fell down to the ground and died.

    “You… you witch!” the boy exclaimed, looking at Rheawien with not anger, but complete disappointment. “How could you ever have claimed to know Damon Kaosi.” The boy got up and lunged towards her, just as the second blade came towards him and lodged straight within his shoulder. He cringed in pain again, spit out a bit of blood and continued to surge forward, moving under the grace of adrenaline and desire alone.

    With one last gust of breath, the boy surged forward and ignited a laser tornado around him. It was a final act of redemption, that he would be able to take the lady out of the equation so that Ashiakin would be able to win the tournament after all.

    “I can’t let Ashiakin down,” Damon thought determinedly. “Legend or not.”

    For soon, Damon would be dead. That was the solace to which all legends were entitled.
    This might be our only chance.

  4. #24
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    Rheawien's Avatar

    Name
    Rheawien Mal'Ganis Lightbringer
    Age
    37
    Race
    Half-elf
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    White
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    5'7''/120 lbs
    Job
    Wanderer

    ((I jumped ahead in the posting order because my conclusion has nothing to do with Ashiakin or Asuka and the closing time nears. I hope you guys don't mind.))

    Rheawien wanted to laugh manically once she saw her two blades finding new home in the flesh of the youngish elf. She never exactly hated Damon while he was the Aegis and she had to answer to him like a common underling, and she didn’t hate him when the draw presented him as her opponent. Hate was too strong of an emotion to be taken lightly and to be directed towards people that oftentimes didn’t deserve it. But it wasn’t like she exactly liked the vampire slayer either. Partially it was her envy that fueled that dislike, envy towards the boy that accomplished so much while still being wet-behind-the-ears in many things. The other part was just her spite towards authority, because no matter how wise and powerful people above her were, she just knew she could do better. Even if, in fact, she couldn’t.

    However, while she was a frigid bitch, there was enough of a soft spot to suppress the mocking of a fallen opponent. Instead she opted for a cryptic smirk, the dominant kind that her Mistress Sarah liked to use, that told you loud and clear: “I have beaten you. I have overcome you. I am better then you.”. Her eyes only supported that expression, looking down on the fallen lad, spreading the air of supremacy like a twisted perfume. Rhea walked confidently towards Damon, one foot before the other, both horrible and beautiful in her feminine movements. She just brought the great Damon Kaosi to his knees, slain the fabled slayer, and now was the time for her to show it to the world. She wanted to grab his dying body and throw it to the crowds, to show them how mislead they were and how misdirected their praises were.

    “Honey, I knew Damon Kaosi. And you’re not him.” her voice came as the salt to the wound, her hourglass figure pausing as he put her hands on her curvy hips and she looked at his drawing in his last breath. It turned out to be a bad decision. Because even as his body slumped lifelessly on the cold polished floor, the air thickened, condensed and then simply exploded in utter chaos. Her body was flung backwards vehemently, her hands reaching for the window frame just in time to prevent her from being evicted from the premises. But that too only lasted for a couple of seconds, because within the whirlwind that raged around the fallen elf, a myriad of uncanny projectiles made out of light moved. Two burst through her thigh like an arrow, one singing her shoulder and another passing through her forearm as if it was butter. The pain was unbearable, the burning sensation amplified by the perforation wound, and combined it was more then enough to weaken the grasp of her fingers.

    Her body was rifled through the window, sent on a rapidly descending course towards the masses that cheered and instantly moved away from what was bound to become a bloody crash site. There were no harnesses to save her, no ropes that dangled from the top, no dues ex machina that would prevent her from colliding with the ground below. Though she didn’t realize it, she was screaming in a high-pitched voice that silenced the crowds instantly as she freefell from about fourth storey of the pagoda.

    “Killed by bloody gravity.” darted through her mind, and then, fraction of a second later: “I don’t think so.”

    The fingers of her hands splayed, the half-elf pointing them towards the ground, and in the enduring scream she launched the full power of her telekinesis towards the ground. It was a forceful outburst of her power, the peak of her current power, and even as the telekinetic cone struck the ground, it retroactively pushed her body up, dampening the impact. However, it was far from enough to stop Rheawien from falling. Her feet made contact, and though she instinctively threw her body in a forwards spin, there was still too much power behind her fall. Her leg snapped beneath her, her shoulder collided with the ground and popped out of the joint, making her yelp in pain. The mass was silent, looking down at the broken elf that barely had strength to draw shallow breaths as pain ripped through her body relentlessly.

    “It’s the bitch.” somebody said, and somebody else added: “Where is Damon?”

    Through all the pain and agony that came as a result of broken bones, the half-elf managed lift her head just enough to look up at a random face in the crowd. The mischievous smile was cocked, locked and ready to make her day.

    “Damon is dead, nitwits.”
    "She wears a coat of color
    Loved by some, feared by others
    She's immortalized in young men's eyes

    Lust she breeds in the eyes of brothers
    Violent sons make bitter mothers
    So close your eyes, here's your surprise

    In your mind she's your companion
    Vile instincts often candid
    Your regret is all that's left..."

  5. #25
    Member
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    Sighter Tnailog's Avatar

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    Findelfin ap Fingolfin
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    260
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    Raiaeran
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    Battle Judging

    Blank v. Baneblades


    Wow. This battle was tough judging – you were fairly evenly matched, making it exceedingly difficult to determine differences between certain areas. Thanks for giving me a great battle to read – and a headache to judge!

    In light of this fact, I’m going to do something I rarely do: give the same scores in certain areas, across the board. I’m giving 9s to all four of you in Character. While some of you I think may have done a bit better than others, in the end I got the definite feeling that these differences were too minute to warrant a subjective individual giving them gradation. All four of you depict realistic characters with interesting motives, and use truly artistic and realistic methods to portray your characters. Kudos. Since most of what I have to say with Dialogue applies to character, I won’t comment on those individual sections – but I have chosen to give slightly different scores based on how good I thought your dialogue was.

    But what’s more, I’m doing it again! You all get 6s across the board in Rising Action. You kept the intensity up, I never could quite guess ahead at what would happen, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. As usual, though…lack of conclusion necessarily hurts the rising action. Rising action moves into something, it doesn’t just exist on its own. I have, however, elected to give Rheawien a half-point advantage in this category: she had a conclusion, so she deserves a bit of a break.

    There were enough differences in your work to merit different strategy scores, but there was one thing all of you did well. I’m going to say it here instead of parroting myself four times. You all were willing to take hits, and sometimes pursue a strategy that maybe wasn’t the smartest or the most intelligent, but was totally appropriate to your character. No longer will strategy be considered how sweet your moves are – it is now how well your moves relate to your character in general. And all of you did a great job in this department.

    Blank

    INDK

    INTRODUCTION ~ 7. Solid. You situated it in time, provided reasons for the battle, and did a really top-notch job in explaining how the arena had been set up using an omniscient voice prior to the shift into a more limited, Damon-centered perspective. This is what we look for in introductions. While it may not have been the best ever – it seems maybe a tad formulaic – it deserves praise for its solidity.
    SETTING ~ 7.5. Excellent job describing the setting. While I maybe would like a bit more description to make it really feel like a true location, you basically set it up so there was no choice but for players to engage the objects in the world and do the best with what they have. You also did a good job of describing the Lornians as setting up the battle for what is an eminently Lornian purpose: making money. This is good, as it establishes where the setting is in relation to a broader world, not merely where the setting is in relation to your character.
    STRATEGY ~ 8 Your strategy may not have always been wise. It may often have been simply Damon rushing headlong into places where he should have stepped back and taken another look. Maybe he should have been quieter. But that’s not the point: the point is that the actions you took very truly revealed your character’s motives and mentality. Furthermore, I must admit to have really liked your desperate plea to the monk. You knew it wouldn’t work, and so did Damon, but it was totally fitting with Damon’s character at that point in time. Sometimes, a failed strategy is the best strategy of all. I had considered giving you a half-point edge over everyone else because of this, but that part where you rummaged through your pockets seemed a bit strange – like you were taking too much time. Something about it seemed a bit incredible. Maybe this was something that should be dealt with in Writing Style, but either way, it’s only half a point.
    WRITING STYLE ~ 7. You write well, as always, with a command of English and an always interesting diction and tone. Occasionally, I saw flaws, such as repeated words without any clear literary purpose to the repetition, or sentences that seem to stretch on beyond necessity. For example, in your first post, you say, “The boy hadn’t intended to be so distracted, but he had been so busy practicing his drills that he had completely forgotten the time.” “Despite contrary intentions, he got distracted while practicing his drills and completely forgot the time.” Taking out all those helping verbs and infinitives really tightens up the narrative and lets you say more with less. It’s also more exciting in a battle. I understand the usage of the tense in order to show time placement, but I find English to be much more exciting when you stick to past tense – all those perfects and participles get rather boring. Also, another thing: “He only hoped that Ashiakin could forgive him.” Why not, “He only hoped Ashiakin could forgive him”? It takes out the “that.” Taking out “thats” is one of the best ways to get rid of excess words. We use them far too much.
    RISING ACTION ~ 6
    DIALOGUE ~ 7
    CLIMAX ~ 5. It came almost too suddenly – like you were nearing the end of the round and had to get it out there. But you still had one.
    CHARACTER ~ 9
    CONCLUSION ~ 2. While what you posted wasn’t really a conclusion, it could be seen as a kind of conclusion. So I’ll give you a couple points.
    WILD CARD ~ 7. A strong battle, overall, with several flaws. Lack of a conclusion and some Writing Style/Strategy difficulties hurt you in the same way they hurt everyone else.
    TOTAL ~ 65.5

    Ashiakin

    INTRODUCTION ~ 10. Excellent! I’ve been judging a long time, so it’s rare for me to stumble across an introductory scenario I haven’t seen before, but you surprised me. Not only did you do what an introduction should do, but you did it with concision. You managed to exhibit strong characterization, too, something not usually seen in introductions. The real kicker, though, has got to be the creativity. Often, when I give scores to people who do well, I usually stick to 7s, 8s, and the occasional 9, because while they may write well and do the job that’s set to them, there’s really not a lot about it that’s inspired. But you wowed me here. Congratulations.
    SETTING ~ 7.5. While there wasn’t quite as much description as I would have liked, I still felt like you were actually in a place as you battled. It was, however, sometimes rather hard to tell where you were at any given time. How many levels was the pagoda? That sort of detail seemed lacking. But you did do one thing at the start that impressed me: you defined the scents of Lyridia. It’s that sort of thing I’ve been trying to get people to do for ages. A setting is so much more than its scenery.
    STRATEGY ~ 8. Beautiful strategy – and your depiction of Ashiakin’s ice magic getting weaker as he used it more was well-done, I like to see people taking things like that and really making them shine. You used your skills in a creative way, and when you slid down the rope to come up behind the others – that’s classic Ashiakin. He’s cool, calm, collected – and he’s willing to sacrifice anyone to get what he wants, even if that person’s name is Damon.
    WRITING STYLE ~ 8.5. What I said to INDK about some word repetition applies to you too. At one point you say the word “match” twice in as many sentences. While it may seem like a small thing – only twice! – when you do things like that close together it can jar the reader, especially if the reader is anything like me. However, what I said to INDK about crafting your posts tighter doesn’t really apply – I think you do a good job of removing superfluity, for the most part, and so I gave you an ever-so-slight edge in this category.
    RISING ACTION ~ 6
    DIALOGUE ~ 8
    CLIMAX ~ 0
    CHARACTER ~ 9
    CONCLUSION ~ 0
    WILD CARD ~ 8. I thought you did the best job in the writing department, but you were hurt by the same problems as the others. I wish this battle had finished.
    TOTAL ~ 65

    TEAM SCORE ~ 65.25

    Baneblades

    AsukaStrikes

    INTRODUCTION ~ 7. What I have to say is virtually similar to what I said to Damon. Although you didn’t work to situate what went between rounds, like I’ve seen some other people do, I can’t really fault you for it. One gets the feeling from your work that something as silly as intervening time isn’t worth discussing, that the present matters, that time as it exists now is the only time to care about. While it’s not traditional, I’m not one to deduct points because you did things a bit differently. As it stands, you were still solidly placed and provided good reasons for what you were doing, in addition to some fine characterization. That’s what we ask for.
    SETTING ~ 6. I felt like you were in a world and using its pieces, although I could always ask for more description and explanation of your surroundings. But, since it wasn’t contingent on you to make the arena, I’m not taking off too many points for a lack of extensive description; that’s the luxury you get for not posting first.
    STRATEGY ~ 7. All in all, I thought it was good. You got hurt, you got hit, and you were creative. But you sometimes seemed to be trailing behind your opponents – if they grabbed onto the rope in one post, you were sure to do it in the next – and I found it very difficult to follow your final exchange with Ashiakin. From what I could tell of both your previous post and his, you said she was standing in front of the central stairwell. But in your next post, you were in front of the window. The change may be the fault of setting and description, but I decided to include it here because the misunderstanding provided a fundamental advantage in your strategy. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if your opponent sends a projectile somewhere that you aren’t located, but your previous post left doubt as to where you WERE located, give your opponent the benefit of the doubt. A flaw in your description should not serve as a handicap on your opponent.
    WRITING STYLE ~ 7. You write a lot like me, Asuka. You tend to have excellent grammar and craftsmanship in your posts, but you make mistakes sometimes that I don’t think you intend – omitting words and casual misspellings. I do the same thing, and one of the things I’ve had to learn is to reread and reread and reread. Don’t feel bad editing a post you made a long time ago, too, as long as you’re making germane edits. No one will fault you for changing “commense” to “commence.” I would, as I said to Damon in the Introduction category, call your style “Solid, but maybe formulaic.” Since I’m virtually describing myself, maybe we can agree to work on this together.
    RISING ACTION ~ 6
    DIALOGUE ~ 7.5
    CLIMAX ~ 0
    CHARACTER ~ 9
    CONCLUSION ~ 0
    WILD CARD ~ 7. A good showing, even if the lack of climax/conclusion hurt the final score. You probably would have had something like a 60 with them.
    TOTAL ~ 56.5

    Rheawien

    INTRODUCTION ~ 7. The comments I made to Asuka and Damon pretty much sum up anything I could say here. Refer to those sections for an understanding of the reasoning behind this number.
    SETTING ~ 6. See comments on Asuka’s Setting section.
    STRATEGY ~ 8 It was smart and effective, and grabbing Damon’s leg on the way down was a particularly interesting way of escaping the trap set for you by Ashiakin. One thing, though…try not to jump through windows. It’s pretty much a surefire way to kill your character, or at least badly injure them. As Intuitor.com, a website that tracks the use and abuse of physics in movies, states, “There are individuals who have accidentally fallen through windows without sustaining serious injuries. There are also people who have survived the Ebola virus. However, in both cases the odds are not particularly good.” But I decided to give you back the points you’d lose for your brilliant baiting tactic – I’d never thought of using telepathy that way, and it was a smart move.
    WRITING STYLE ~ 7.5. I’m impressed, Rheawien. Your work with Jared, while admittedly a different character with a different voice, has sometimes shown a tendency to be overwritten and maybe a tad too long. But in this, you’ve really proven to me that your writing is beginning to mature into an art form in which words are picked with care and not simply thrown around for the sake of vocabulary. You have made tremendous improvement from the last time I judged something of yours; you have a ways to go yet, but you have given my great confidence. For improvement, I would suggest looking over some of the things I have said to the others in this judging – most of what I say to them is applicable to you too. Continue to be careful with your words, and you’ll get better.
    RISING ACTION ~ 6
    DIALOGUE ~ 7.5 Oh, and Rheawien, I know you didn’t know I’d be the judge…but insulting song magic isn’t a good idea. I’ll overlook it this time.
    CLIMAX ~ 5. See comments on Damon’s.
    CHARACTER ~ 9
    CONCLUSION ~ 5. You had one, but it seemed rather forced, and intended to just get that finality in before the tournament ends. While I appreciate the effort, and therefore am not giving you the 4 I considered, there is one thing that must be mentioned. It can be considered a bit of a faux pas to post a conclusion in a tournament battle near the very end. I know that Damon and Ashiakin had decided not to post conclusions in order to keep from having an unfair advantage. Since you didn’t know that – and, in the future, Shyam and Adam, y’all should let your opponents know your intention too – I’m not subtracting points for it. The 5 is purely because it all felt so quick that I couldn’t get the full benefit from it.
    WILD CARD ~ 7. Quite good, but with a few flaws.
    TOTAL ~ 68

    TEAM SCORE ~ 62.25

    Battle Victor: Blank

    EXP REWARDS

    INDK gains 724 EXP!
    Ashiakin gains 720 EXP!
    AsukaStrikes gains 57 EXP!
    Rheawien gains 68 EXP!

    GP REWARDS

    AsukaStrikes and Rheawien gain 400 GP each as a consolation prize.
    INDK and Ashiakin gain 100 GP each.

    OTHER REWARDS

    INDK receives a cheap cloth bracelet inscribed with the letters “W.W.A.D. – What Would Ashiakin Do?” Little does he know the answer: massacre a small village.

    Ashiakin receives a t-shirt that says, “I Hate My Fans.” He is required to wear it in Round Three of the LCC or face severe displeasure at the hands of the tournament authorities.

    Rheawien gets a small toy. At one end of a string is a plastic doll, and at the other end of the string is an extremely tiny, to-scale sword. By yelling “Go!” the owner of the toy causes the sword to fly at the doll, puncturing it. Remove the sword and try again!

    AsukaStrikes receives a letter from a secret admirer. Perhaps someone in the crowd wasn’t as angry as she thought?

  6. #26
    Sons of Terrinore
    EXP: 34,727, Level: 7
    Level completed: 97%, EXP required for next level: 273
    Level completed: 97%,
    EXP required for next level: 273
    GP
    1,350
    Thoracis's Avatar

    Name
    Thoracis Rakarth
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human... mostly.
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    White
    Eye Color
    Solid Ice
    Build
    5'9"/176lbs.
    Job
    Exile

    Rewards Added!
    Sons of Terrinore - LCC Champions

    All time battle record: 48-23-4

    I owe Google a sexual favor!

    The Return -- Gisela Forces

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