Round Two: (11) The Grander's Order v (19) Two Horns and a Furball

[Falcon Darkflight]

When Canen had ascertained that the ice blockade Raelyse had summoned forth had served its short lived purpose, he motioned for his partner to accompany him across the trap ridden floorboards to the opposite side of the room. A strong pine scent rose from the wooden floor, somewhat reminding the Nocturn of the same light odour often experienced in Concordia forest during the summer months, the rare period of time where he could actually relax and enjoy himself. Yet even with this somewhat warm and delightful smell the persistent stale stench of must could still be smelt over the top and quickly reminded Canen he was not in his favourite retreat, but instead in the midst of a death-trap complex.

Although usually inoculated against being caught out, Canen found that his next step was to be more painful than he thought. He felt the floorboard beneath his sole sink with even the slightest of pressure, and before he could react a six inch metal spike shot out of the ground next to his left foot, slashing the flesh on his ankle without penetrating the skin. He let out a startled cry and clutched his wound with his right hand, leaping off the pressure pad switch in an instant and landing on what appeared to be a safe portion of the floor.

"Raelyse, I'm getting irritated of being here now..." He growled in a deep, clearly agitated voice, watching the spike slowly retract into the floor and feeling the sharp pain burn in his foot. The thud of his opponents body outside sounded with a muffled thump, the ice barrier still apparently up and running, and the Nocturns emerald eyes flickered over to watch the silhouette of the demon slump to the floor. "Wait a minute...there's no way he was knocked out so badly by running into that..."

Perhaps it was the ice element that did it... He mused. Canen observed, leaning on the left hand wall for balance as the barrier began to melt in front of his eyes, the water cascading in spent torrents down the surface of the crumbling ice to form rigid cold puddles on the floor of the staircase. He noticed there were quite a few large gaps forming in the barrier now, and both members of the other team were awaiting entry to the floor, even if the demon one seemed to be partially unable to fight. Canen quickly, using his right shoulder to lean against the left hand wall, brought both of his hands forward and outstretched. The temperature surrounding the floor began to drop quickly, each breath the warriors took steaming in clouds of vapour as the sharp ice particles of Needle Tempest began to form in the air, twirling and glistening even in the somewhat dull light the pagoda had to offer. He thrust his palms forward and with this motion a cloud of small icy needles shot forward, propelled by a sudden gust of wind towards the half melted doorway. Hopefully, the needles would shoot through the gaps in the crumbling barrier and either strike or further hinder the opponents, but most of all Canen wanted to see if the ice would harm the demon who was slumped on the stairwell.

[Raelyse]

"Well done once again," the prince mocked sarcastically. He could hardly resist throwing his head of long silver hair backwards and letting out a loud, raucous cackle. Fortunately, he managed to hold it in and instead decided to opt for the next best thing. Lifting up his sleeved hands, he began to slowly clap his two hands together loudly, the sound echoing throughout the two floors. That confident, patronizing, condescending smirk stayed glued to his face, never even seeming to shift in the slightest. Almost as if he were performing a dance, the prince of Myrusia then shook his head from side to side, almost coordinating the clapping with the slow shaking of his head.

"Look out Raelyse," he said in a mocking tone, trying to imitate his partner's gruff tone in the most comical manner possible. "There are traps... OH LOOK! There's a trap. Let's step on it."

When Falcon spoke of his annoyance at this situation, the prince merely smiled back, knowing that enough had been said. When it was all said and done, he had a partner here. If he wanted to make fun of him, there would be plenty of time for that after they won. For now, they would have to finish their enemies, starting with that funny looking creature.

"You know," the prince said softly underneath his breath to his partner. "I think that one's an idiot. I say we kill him first, and then throw his charred corpse to his partner."

Before Raelyse could ready an attack of his own however, he heard the sound of something rush by his ears and noticed that Falcon had launched an assault of his own. He allowed his smirk to soften into a smile, at last this team was learning to be ruthless. It would be the only way that they would advance from round to round, there was no room for the nice and the meek in a competition such as this. And Raelyse wanted to win.

"What the fuck you trying to do? Tickle him?" mocked the prince, describing in what his eyes was, a pitiful attack from Falcon. He would show him how the Grander's Order would defeat their enemies. Quick, but also in the most painful manner possible, not through firing oversized toothpicks.

Channeling the power of the rings that he wore on each of his hands, Raelyse began to feel their power pulse through his veins, weakening before eradicating the curse that afflicted his right leg and made it both awkward and difficult for him to stand without his walking aid. Within a few seconds, he was standing upright, balancing perfectly on both of his feet. "Hold this," he said slowly, that smirk starting to form larger than ever on his face. "Now, Falcon... I'm going to show you why I have this," Raelyse rose his right hand and pointed to the imprint of the lips that was still on his cheek. "And all you have is that," without looking back at his partner, the prince moved his finger and pointed at Falcon's crotch.

By now, every morsel of his energy was focused on the task ahead. He intended to eliminate his enemy now, without leaving so much as ashes for the next unlucky occupants of this pagoda. Raelyse raised both of his hands to his eye level and slowly began to twiddle and twitch every single one of his fingers. At first, he did it at a slow pace but gradually he increased the speed until they were nothing but blurs. His electricity powers began to invoke themselves, his powerful magicks coursing through his body at incredible speed. From his back, all throughout his torso and then forcing themselves through his fingertips.

"DIE!"

That simple word was accompanied by a quick thrust forward of both of his hands, every single one of his fingers out stretched and pointing towards the demon, whether he had risen or not. Electric sparks jumped off his fingertips as the prince used every ounce of willpower to restrain the powerful thunderbolts that were mere millimeters from thrusting forward. With a sudden jolt, he adjusted his hands, changing his target completely.

A moment later, the thunderbolts erupted from his fingertips, propelling themselves towards the area where Raelyse had aimed there. His brilliant mind had pinpointed and chosen one place where he knew that his enemy could not hide, a place where they could not avoid.

The melted water from his icicle barrier which now flooded the entire staircase and possibly the first floor as well. And, my friend... water conducts electricity.

[Artifex Felicis]

With his partner hurrying on ahead, Leon stayed behind then. Instead of charging in blind, he decided to at least make sure neither of his two back stabbing enemies waited behind in the shadows for him. Not that it mattered, it was dim light, but more than enough to see that there were almost no hiding spots where they could be lying in wait. The cat boy rose slowly, his body still somewhat in pain from they magic strike thrown at him.

There was a thump, followed by a rather odd sound. He hurried to the stairs looking up to see a rather large block of ice ahead of him, melting far faster than the cat boy would have ever thought. Before that, lying on the floor as if he was dazed, his partner. Whatever sarcastic remark that the grandmaster was going to say to him was put out of his mind. The water on the ground was beginning to soak his feet. He stuck his tongue out in disgust, shuddering slightly at the thought of smelling his wet fur for the rest of the day.

He moved quickly, taking care not to get much of himself wet. Water was not one of his favorite things. Even washing up was an ordeal that he put himself through only when he needed too. Before he even came close to the demon, a volley of sharp spiky things shot out towards him, from the same person who ended up throwing the magic ball that made it feel as though his skin was ripping off. turning to the side was not enough to dodge many of the needles. They pierced into his shoulder with ease, one of them only stopped by a rib. It was a bitter sweet joy, as he only knew his lung wasn't punctured by one of the ice needles from the soft crack he heard.

He sucked air, staying upright and leaving the needles where they were. Enough of them were in him that if they were taken out, the blood from them would be far worse than the relatively minor pain they caused him now. He exhaled, growling as he saw his two prey through the large hole in the ice wall. It didn't matter that it was melting or that he was getting wet now, his prize was in sight. He took two steps quickly, making a leap with a small splash of water onto his partner's downed form, and then pounced forward. There was a flash in the air as he passed the almost nonexistent ice barrier. He aimed for the one with the shining palms, the one who looked like he just killed his partner.

[DeeDee]

The water swished and swirled around the demon's unconscious body, before actually pulling him with its flow down the stairs. The water level began to rise above the demon's nostrils, and before long, he was without air. Almost as quickly as he had fainted, DeeDee was up and conscious, sputtering and staring through the melting ice barrier at their opponents. Both of them stood facing the door, arming their next attacks at the demon and catboy. DeeDee couldn't help but swear under his breath at how his opponents had managed to pincer them in this funnel. The demon was certain that his rivals were thinking that this was too easy, and that they had the battle in hand. He was there to make sure that if he went down, it wouldn't be without a fight.

As soon as he noticed the next attack, flying needles that emitted a cold aura that DeeDee detested, the demon began to scratch the word "fire" into the air. He concentrated his mind into creating the word, to distract himself from the draining effect that the whizzing needles had on him as they flew by, shattering into the wall behind him. Before he could finish his spell, however, he felt a soft foot step on him from behind and heard a crackle in front of him. Before the demon could realize what had occured, his partner had leapt into the room, and the cascading water that was about as high as DeeDee's waist emitted a huge burst of energy as the electricity from Raelyse's spell struck it. In his last few moments, DeeDee could only manage but a single word:

"Asshole."

*****

"Elements have a huge impact on a lifestyle, DeeDee," his father continued. Fire and ice are opposites, as well as thunder and water. If you consider the hostility between citizens of the earth and citizens of air, you can connect their rivalry as well." His father paused, and drank a swig from his beer. "There is one thing you need to know about the elements. For each and every element, there is an opposite. When they are combined, they generate a neutralization reaction, because they despise each other. For example," his father said, "if you combine fire and ice," he took a small block of ice that he specially brought from his lab, and put it on the table. "...it will create a reaction and both elements will disappear." DeeDee conjured a fire bolt and aimed it at the ice block. With a loud hiss, steam poured from the connection, and before long, there was no trace of either element."

"Is it the same for each opposition?" DeeDee wondered, fascinated with the subject.

"A good question. But no," his father replied. "Each opposition has its own method of neutralization. You must discover each one in your own experience."

DeeDee nodded. He liked his lessons with his father, and took each one seriously. He wondered how he would experience all the elements if the only ones he had discovered in his world were fire and ice, but his father's expression was stuck in his mind. He couldn't figure out why his father had been so solemn, but he had the unfortunate feeling that it wouldn't be very long before he found out the truth behind the matter.

[Sighter Tnailog]

Battle Judging

The Grander’s Order v. Two Horns and a Furball

This had the makings of a battle that could have scored around a 65-70 per player, but due to its lack of real finishing (or even really taking off) it has scored much lower. This is no reflection, I think, on the quality of the players involved -- given a completed battle, I think you would have made a decent showing. But time and tides give everyone a bad hand, sometimes. In the end, the victory went to the ones who did the best with the time they had.

These scores are now FINAL, and will not be revised again. For anyone who got to see the amazing editing extravaganza that was the past three hours, congrats. That's history for you. And here's the judging.

The Grander’s Order

Falcon Darkflight

INTRODUCTION ~ 6.5. An interesting segue, although I was left a bit hanging on the arena selection. How does this occur? Do you pick the arena and then let tournament officials know? Why would the officials let a single person pick the arena, and a person who might be biased? How is the location of the arena transmitted to your opponents – it’s as if your character simply assumed that they would find out and act accordingly. However, while this assumption may be safe for you as a player, it wears thin for the character.
SETTING ~ 7. Excellent description of the setting. It is very rare that I feel I can see an arena in my mind’s eye, but this time I really could see it. I’m not giving full points, though, for two reasons. First, there wasn’t enough battle for me to see the arena being used in the way that I think necessary for a good setting, and second, your movements once inside the pagoda were hard to follow – it was sometimes difficult to figure out which floor you were on, what direction you were running, how the staircases operated, etc. Maybe this is a result of my sparse knowledge on pagoda architecture, but in the end it is the responsibility of the author to explain, not the reader to know.
STRATEGY ~ 5 I didn’t see much fighting, and therefore not a whole lot of strategy. I’m giving you the high score in this area (although only by half a point), because your character noted and attempted to make use of the idea that maybe…just maybe…DeeDee was vulnerable to ice.
WRITING STYLE ~ 6. You wrote well and were understandable. When I see that, I usually commit to at least a score of 5. However, you didn’t go as high as you could because I saw a lot of run-on sentences. Furthermore, some of your metaphors seemed a bit anachronistic. Describing something as the “size of a football field,” especially when done using free indirect discourse, is slightly out of place – how in the world does Canen know what a football field is? That sort of thing is acceptable for Chumley, maybe. Also, the use of the word “oriental” in describing architecture – do people in Althanas conceive of the “Orient” as a specific region with specific architecture? I think, in further writing on Althanas, you should consider using metaphors and diction that are drawn from examples within the Althanas world. That would help you greatly in this area.
RISING ACTION ~ 3. Since Rising Action is almost entirely contingent on what it rises into – a climax and a conclusion – it necessarily suffers when there is no climax nor conclusion.
DIALOGUE ~ 5. Nothing to really challenge, nothing to really praise. As a result, what can be given except a middle score? It does seem like what you say is tied into who your character is, but I still feel somewhat robbed. Work on making it…I don’t know…a bit more memorable. That doesn’t mean flashy or pretentious or contrived. But as it stands, I remember Raelyse and Artifex Felix and DeeDee through the things they said or thought, but Canen Darkflight doesn’t stand out as much.
CLIMAX ~ 0
CHARACTER ~ 5. My final comment on Dialogue is applicable here. I remember the other three players, their characters, and something of how they acted in the thread. But I had to continually reference the thread in order to remember Canen Darkflight. I don’t know how to give detailed responses on making this better, but I can see a good enough writer in you to make it better without my help. Make me remember.
CONCLUSION ~ 0
WILD CARD ~ 5.5. Neither a stellar nor a sub-par performance. I would have given it a 4, though, due to the lack of a conclusion, but let me tell you why I gave you more than that. Your character seemed to be thinking about Lornius -- what it is, how it is situated, how to describe and develop it. Since Lornius is one of the awards, I feel it's important to offer a bit of a prize to those who are already thinking about what they will do should they win that prize.
TOTAL ~ 43

Raelyse

INTRODUCTION ~ 8. Good work. I loved the way you described the whoring, the drinking, the reveling; that is true writing. You pulled together a length of time otherwise unaccounted for in a way that was interesting and seemed real, like it had happened and wasn't just a montage to pass the time. This is the sort of introduction I like to see.
SETTING ~ 5. See my complaints in Falcon Darkflight's scores, minus the good points. I gave a 5, though, because you did do some things with the trapped floor and the staircase door, but had you not done that you might have been as low as a three. Work on description!
STRATEGY ~ 4.5. You blocked the door. I suppose that's cool. But that was really all that happened. I gave you a small point boost over your opponents, however, because you also chose to have your character trip a switch that actually blocked his progress. That sort of sacrificial playing is in scarce supply on Althanas these days, but is as much a part of strategy as anything else.
WRITING STYLE ~ 8. You shone here. You're easy to follow, without glaring errors. Although your sentences can sometimes be clunky or overly long, it happens rarely, and you're definitely coming into your own. Keep up what you've been doing, and you've nowhere to go but up.
RISING ACTION ~ 3.5. I felt as though you did a better job in this, especially by heightening tension between not merely your opponents, but also your fellow participants. There seemed, in your work, more of a room for something beyond a mere battle. There was potential for growth, and so I’m edging you a bit above your competitors.
DIALOGUE ~ 7. Your dialogue really fits your character, but here's a qualm: is the cursing necessary? I'm certain Raelyse curses, but I wonder if there aren't better curses in Althanas than "Fuck." We have to use English because, well, that's what we use. But we sort of operate on the principle that English "stands in" for other languages unique to Althanas. I think putting in words that are too "English," and don't strive to give our writing an "Althanas" feeling, could be a disservice to your scores in this area.
CLIMAX ~ 0
CHARACTER ~ 7. What a jerk. Raelyse really does manage to be what he is, and you do a great job of describing it. I love the way your semi-third-person manages to excoriate him for what he is even as you portray his actions and words. But the improvements in Dialogue may help your character scores -- the two go hand-in-hand.
CONCLUSION ~ 0
WILD CARD ~ 5. This would be a 4, due to the lack of conclusion, climax, and effective rising action, but your character really makes me loath to do something like that. Keep being a bastard. And I use that English word in the nicest possible sense, you Son of Denebriel.
TOTAL ~ 48

TEAM SCORE ~ 45.5

Two Horns and a Furball

Artifex Felicis

INTRODUCTION ~ 7. A good job, although suffering from some of the same problems as Falcon. Why does Leon simply assume that the battle location he overhears is the one he should go to? However, I have given you a slight edge over Falcon because not all the problems were of your own making -- you were working with what was given you, not making it up from scratch. And you did as good a job of integrating yourself into a storyline with more in it than the battle in question, and that's to be praised.
SETTING ~ 4. I saw very little description of the setting. At one point, you seemed to be "taking in the battlefield," but you were doing it from a position which, according to Falcon's description, wouldn't have given you a good vantage point anyway. Also, Falcon consistently stressed the enormity of the pagoda, a fact which you (and Raelyse and DeeDee fall in this category too) overlooked. While I am sometimes inclined to forgive a lack of great description or uncertainty about the arena, in cases where it was as well-described as this I am less given to leniency.
STRATEGY ~ 4. There really wasn't a lot to compliment or to attack. You took a small hit and you ran. In the absence of really much strategy at all, and nothing particularly noteworthy, I'm gonna have to give you a 4.
WRITING STYLE ~ 5. You were understandable, but you used a lot of run-on sentences, misspelled in quite a few places, and were sometimes a bit clunky in your grammar and syntax. Keep working on mastering the English language, and you'll keep getting better.
RISING ACTION ~ 3. The comments I've made already should suffice.
DIALOGUE ~ 5.5. Roughly the same things I said to Falcon apply here. You just seemed a bit more...memorable...and I felt like your internal thinking was also more lucid, more thoughtful, more memorable.
CLIMAX ~ 0
CHARACTER ~ 5.5. Once again, see Falcon. I just thought you did better by the barest margin, but for the most part what I said to him applies to you too.
CONCLUSION ~ 0
WILD CARD ~ 4. You did well, but lacked that conclusion and climax that would have made it all hang together. And, unlike your opponents, you lacked any overridingly valuable or great thing that would encourage me to make it a 5 or a 4.5. Sorry, we all get hit sometimes.
TOTAL ~ 38

DeeDee

INTRODUCTION ~ 5. Although you made me laugh, it felt short and not very, well, connected. It felt like you were simply trying to get in, and how you did it didn't matter. Work on making your introduction more substantive. I wouldn't make it more heavy -- on the contrary, I think the lighthearted style made it worth something -- but maybe give it a bit more substance.
SETTING ~ 4.
STRATEGY ~ 4.
WRITING STYLE ~ 5. You were understandable, but at times I felt you'd slopped your work together just for the sake of getting it up. Don't interpret this as a call to more length, although maybe a little wouldn't hurt. What I'm asking more for is that you give it maybe a bit more effort.
RISING ACTION ~ 3.
DIALOGUE ~ 6. You made me smile, and your dialogue (especially internal dialogue) was well-suited to your character.
CLIMAX ~ 0
CHARACTER ~ 6. You were going places with your memories of your father. Wish I could have seen more of it. You also seemed to have a very, well...consistent character. He was himself, and that's not a bad thing to have.
CONCLUSION ~ 0
WILD CARD ~ 4. In places where I left no comments, it is because the comments I left on Artifex Felicis, Raelyse, and Falcon Darkflight should be able to properly elucidate what I feel helps most with the improving of writing. Pay attention to those comments and you'll get better.
TOTAL ~ 38

TEAM SCORE ~ 38

BATTLE WINNER: The Grander's Order

EXP REWARDS

Falcon Darkflight gains 372 EXP!
Raelyse gains 392 EXP!
Artifex Felicis gains 38 EXP!
DeeDee gains 38 EXP!

GP REWARDS

DeeDee and Artifex Felicis gain 200 GP each as a consolation prize.
Falcon Darkflight and Raelyse gain 50 GP each.

OTHER REWARDS

Falcon Darkflight, Raelyse, Artifex Felicis, and DeeDee each earn a small statue of a pagoda. From the Lornian Department of Tourism and Recreation, this cheap product can be sold -- for about 20 GP -- but is much more interesting as a souveneir.

[Thoracis]

Rewards Added!