Ayithe Vs Busky

[Ayithe Solete]

The sudden Charge had caught Ayithe off guard, it had been a quick exchange of attacks and Busky had desperately tried to give him self space from Ayithe before she struck again. She hit the ground hard, the soft layer of sand made little difference to her landing and Ayithe bumped the back of her head on the ground. Her eyes blurred slightly for a brief moment as her opponent stepped back and hastily healed his wound as best he could. It was causing him a lot of pain and the sure weight of his surrounding amour must not of been helping as it pulled down on him constantly while he moved about.

Ayithe leant forward onto her knees as Busky stood back up now with a surrounding orb, going to stand a stinging arose from Ayithe’s hip, two small gashes had appeared and Ayithe grit her teeth as she stood back up again. Retracting her swords she quickly rubbed the back of her head as Busky moved to the large rocks again. Ayithe rubbed her eyes and grabbed her Disk blade back from the clipping on her belt. Spotting the other covered in blood, it was lay on the ground not far from her and slowly she advanced towards it carefully keeping an eye on her surroundings.

Heh, I kinda like this loose sand...

Ayithe had quickly spotted the obvious, the orb Busky had used to protect himself was flicking up dust everywhere. Again Busky had tried to evade carelessly forgetting about his surroundings and giving away his position. Still being rather quick, he pounced over the top of the rock and leapt down upon Ayithe who now stood waiting. Ayithe quickly dropped into a roll as Busky came crashing down into the ground with his axe. Missing her by inches he landed right behind her and Ayithe wasted no time to retaliate. Standing and stepping backwards she spun and struck into the large orbe with her Disk blade. The orbe collapsed immediately yet Ayithe bounced off it with the sudden shunt and had to regain her footing as she almost fell backwards.

[HuskY]

Busky used Ayithe's attempt to hit him in his advantage, because of the orbe collapsing she lost her footing, making her an easy target for a quick strike!

Busky's shoulder still hurt, but it was bareable because of the spell he used..
It still bleeded a bit, but it wasen't as bad as before..

Not affected by Ayithe's attack cause of the orb, Busky made a quick spinning rotation, swinging his axe around into Ayithe's direction again at the hight of her waist.. He used the weight of his axe to spin even faster, making it a powerfull attack..

Busky did his best to make sure this attack would hit!

[Ayithe Solete]

((Minor bunnying approved by Busky))

Ayithe still stumbled carelessly after the clash, her own mistake knowing full well it was a defensive attack. Busky landed with a loud thud and quickly spun swinging his axe out wide before Ayithe's footing was corrected. She could only watch as she continued to fall backwards and the huge axe sliced across in front of her. Her eyes tensed and gritting her teeth she crashed into the sandy arena floor. Closing her eyes, she carefully moved her right arm along her hip. The pain was intense and Ayithe clenched the slice along her hip with her hand. She could feel the blood trickle between her fingers and taking a deep breath to control the urge to scream out she clipped her disk blade to her belt.

This is the problem with being so predictable...

Ayithe already knew Busky would stop to check his strike, he had already done so after each attack before and Ayithe preyed on it. Waiting to hear his foot steps the only other thing on her mind was her new gash. Feeling highly agitated while her pumped blood into the wound to heal it she slowly calmed herself down as his steps came along side her. Ayithe opened her eyes and there he was, just as she had predicted, checking out the damaged he had caused as if she were his prey. Unaware of her fully conscious mind she sat up and violently grabbed his weapon with her blood covered hand, desperately pulling him towards her on the ground. Without giving him time to spare she pulled back her arm as the blade released from her bracelets and forcefully stabbed her sword at his chest.

[HuskY]

Busky's armour just ripped apart because of the powerfull stab..
The sword went straight trough it, as if it was made of wool..
The sword went deep into his chest, and blood came flowing out, covering Ayithe's sword with it..

After Ayithe had pulled out the sword, Busky droped on his knee's and put his hand on the deep wound..
His hand quickly got covered in blood and he took his hand off to look at it..

His vision was starting to blur, and all he could see what red all over ..
Busky looked up at Ayithe and said:

"Damn... That hurt.. You deffinatly are a good fighter.. I was so foolish ... even thinking.... i would have a chance beating you.."

"So... I guess it ends here?.. I take my loss.. You win..."

Right after he said that, Busky blacked out and fell on the dusty floor..
He had lost alot of blood, and the dust below him wasn't brown anymore..
It was covered in Busky's blood, and it had a dark red collor..

Suddenly everything was quiet again in the Arena..
No more sharp noises of swords and armour..
No more battlecries..
Nothing.. All you could hear was the wind..

He was still breathing, the sword must have missed his lungs and hearth by inches..
Busky came back to his sences a bit, and pushed himself up again..

He was crouched on 1 knee, looked up at Ayithe again a tear rolled over his cheeck as he said:

"I... Need help..."

Busky blacked out again and fell over, landing on his back..
Hoping Ayithe would forgive him from the pain he had caused on her and help him to survive this..

[Ayithe Solete]

Ayithe immediately fell back, Busky may have been taken down but Ayithe failed to move. Breathing heavily she stared up into the sky, a few dark clouds were starting to hover and within so much time it would start to rain. She clutched her wound again and forced herself to sit up, slowly dragging herself to the nearest rock. Although the wound hadn’t proved to be fatal it was painful enough and deadly enough to keep her from moving about like she wanted. Right about her hip the top of his axe had sliced through effortlessly hadn't she of lost her footing may have been a different story. Busky spoke before falling backwards, his words discreet and jittery as the realisation of his wound sunk in.

"You could have beaten me..." Ayithe replied laying her back against the hard rock. "You did, but I noticed your obsession to check on your attack. I deceived you...You do what you will to survive..."

Ayithe pushed up with her legs using the rock for stability as she stood up straight and she moaned out as her wound got twisted and pulled. She stepped across to Busky and leant over him, watching as his eyes flickered into darkness and closed. He had blanked out and Ayithe smiled to herself as she stood the victor once more.

"You wait here...I shall be taking a trip to the old medical room, fortunately for us it still exists..." Ayithe said silently knowing he couldn't hear her as she limped across the arena.

[INDK]

I have to wonder, did this battle end as you intended it to? The ending really seemed awry. I really felt like the end was just far too abrupt.

Ayithe Solete

Total Score= 36 Not bad. There were some good areas, some areas that were considerably weaker.

Introduction – 5 Size would lead me to believe the introduction was poor. However, the introduction had context, reason and past history in it. Granted, each one could have been elaborated on a bit more, but you did hit all the essentials of an introduction. Description here would have made it considerably more appealing. As it was, it didn’t seem like a battle that would be particularly noteworthy or interesting. Imagine your introduction as a “free sample” you are offering your reader in order to get them to read more.

Setting – 3 I liked the way you incorporated things like the sand being softer than any other kind of landing. However, you could have done more in this area. Lastly, the medical center in the end really seemed like a deus ex machina.

Strategy – 6 I liked when Aiythe went to show her strength in order to depict her prowess. It wasn’t a move of “good strategy” in a tactical sense, but it was a realistic move. That gets you extra credit in my book. Most particularly, I like the way that Aiythe learned in this battle, it made the climax a bit better than average.

Dialogue – 4 It was functional only in the most basic sense. Dialogue can be used to convey a lot more than the text that a character is speaking. Hesitations, word choices, interruptions… all of those say something about a character too. As do motions.

Character – 2 This was very limited. I don’t really feel I learned much of anything about Aiythe.

Rising Action – 4 The learning offered some semblance of progress during this battle, but not nearly enough.

Climax – 5.5 See my comment in strategy.

Conclusion – 0 I don’t really feel like this thread was resolved at all. Yes, Ayithe won. However, the way you ended your last post made me think that there should be some kind of reconciliation at the end or something.

Writing Style – 3 I suggest being more careful about what you incorporate from your opponent. For instance, in your second post, you said Ayithe was glad that Busky wasn’t one “to sit back and wait.” However, Busky had gone through a whole routine of checking his armor, his weapons, doing a whole bunch of things that pretty much seemed like waiting. In your next post, you coordinated your strategy to his dialogue. These two posts show how much reaction matters. To say something that contradicts the previous post really throws the reader off. Using what your fellow reader does gives the thread continuity. Spellings were occasionally an issue as well.

Wild Card – 4 This thread seemed more like it was written just for the sake of writing a hack and slash. That is all well and good, and in some ways, applying this rubric may not reflect your intentions. However, what you should aspire to write is not a hack and slash, but an action packed scene. In a good story, you don’t just care about the character because they’re the protagonist. You like the protagonist.

Spoils=

Husky

Total Score= 24 You do need some improvement if you want to become a better writer. Even if you just want to be a better battler, you need to find ways to think more strategically.

Introduction – 1 The introduction brought me into the action without any context. I know Aiythe wanted to train with her friend Busky. What about Busky? Who is he? Why did he come to the Citadel? Why should I care?

Setting – 3 There was some setting here. However, the fact that you made it seem so infinitely malleable was a problem.

Strategy – 1 Timing was an issue here at times. Take a look at your introductory post…

Busky made sure his armour and axe were into perfect shape, then entered the arena himself.. He walked around in a big cirkel.. Dissapearing out of Ayithe's view behind the big rocks that were scattered all over the arena, and reappearing after a few seconds..

Busky hoped it would give him the element of surprise..

Suddenly the wind made the dust on the floor of the arena fly into the air, it made the arena look like a pure dessert..

When the dust began to settle, Busky charged at Ayithe and attempted to strike Ayithe in her leg with the spike on the bottom of his axe..

Because of Busky's charge, the dust went up in the air again, blinding him..
When it began to settle, Busky looked at Ayithe, to see if his attack had succeeded.

This was particularly elaborate preparation for a strike. Ayithe, if she is remotely rational, would be doing something to counteract you far before your storm was created (perhaps even go for a cheap shot if she wasn’t your friend). At the very least she would have told Busky to stop goofing around and start the battle.

Also, I’m not even sure what he accomplished by his whole plan there.

Dialogue – 4 See Aiythe’s comment.

Character – 2 See Aiythe’s comment.

Rising Action – 3 There needed to be some continuity here. Tell me more about how previous posts affect later posts. That is a good way to start gaining some continuity. A correct balance has to be made so as to not sacrifice brevity, but you have to be careful.

Climax – 5 I like the way you sold the final hit. It was well done.

Conclusion – 0 See Aiythe’s comment.

Writing Style – 2 There were a lot of spelling mistakes, and your paragraphs were largely too thin. Formatting is something you should look at.

Wild Card – 4 See Aiythe’s comment.

Spoils=

Aiythe Solete gets 344 EXP and 50 GP
Busky gets 50 EXP and 50 GP

[Thoracis]

Rewards Added!