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  1. #1
    Member
    EXP: 18,750, Level: 4
    Level completed: 80%, EXP required for next level: 1,250
    Level completed: 80%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,250
    GP
    500
    Thursday's Avatar

    Name
    Thursday
    Age
    30 years of life, 20 years in appearance
    Race
    Homunculus
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Gray
    Build
    6'1", 160 lbs.
    Job
    Miscellaneous

    Creeping through the silent fort, Thursday considered her life up to the point at which she’d arrived. Everybody she’d ever associated with has ended up dead. Either by her hands or by the hands of others, no soul has survived being drawn into her world. Daisy herself had even died twice in her company. What was it that had been created in her, she wondered, that made her destroy everything she came into contact with? Even an entire town, a chance - perhaps her final one - for peace in her tumultuous life, was annihilated completely. The emptied village would go on to be gutted by highwaymen and left a shell, uninhabitable simply for fear fear of the unknown fate that befell the previous citizens. Like a ghost, she disappeared from an Effaria that was burning to the ground, and she’d do the same here this night. But not until after one more glorious atrocity.

    The building on the opposite side of the fort from Melo’s prison was slightly larger and dark inside. As she neared the gaps in the cement and stone that functioned as windows, she heard the faint sound of snoring. Naturally, any fort would have lodging for its soldiers, however this place was no longer a traditional fort. Asleep in the room were but two men, rogues and thugs paid to watch the back of a man who could afford to keep a mercenary from being paid higher to stab him in the back. Thursday was pleased to see that Aaron was one of them. She was glad to see him sleeping happily while the man he betrayed was dying of infection not but yards away. It was time for a grisly discussion with the wretch.

    She slipped in silently through the window, crouching in the shadow of the wall as she was surrounded by the sound of snores and shuffling, sleeping bodies. Standing tall, she briefly considered how she’d go about dispatching the two men without waking the rest of the fort. Thursday always did appreciate a noisy, violent death. One would have to be specially reserved for Aaron.

    Clawed hands glistened in the obscured moonlight as she crept before the other, nameless man. He’d remain so. With the gentle caress of a mother, she slowly raised her clawed hands and held them steady above him, her cold metal fingers writhing. Silently she struck, her face devoid of feeling as she clutched tightly at his throat. His eyes shot open, and though his reddening face seemed desperate to call for help, he was unable to. He thrashed what little he could beneath her fatal grip as she pressed him ruthlessly to the oddly downy bed he had been given. His panicked eyes witnessed a cruel grin before the flesh beneath her claws gave way and his neck snapped. There was a rustling behind her and she quickly spun, releasing the corpse as she saw Aaron sit up and rise from his bed in shock.

    “Th-Thurs-”

    Knowing that an alarm call was more than imminent, she swung her right fist at his head swiftly, the metal knuckles striking his temple and sending him crumpling to the ground once more. Thursday sighed in relief. The plan could’ve almost been ruined.

    “Back to sleep,” she told his unconscious form, “I’m not done with you yet…”


    ************************************************


    Outside, Aaron was now tied by his wrists to the massive log in the middle of the fort, a strip of cloth from his sheets tied around his mouth. He was still out, and now with his so-called guards out of commission, she was free to finish her task. She made her way to the main structure, not hesitating to merely stroll in the front door, which was not locked. Shadow had believed far too strongly that his plan would succeed. With Melo safely tucked away and dying in a cell, who would bother him now? Surely nobody who could best his archers or sleeping buffoons. Thursday hated being underestimated.

    The larger building’s interior was far nicer than the prison or troop lodgings. While the first room was merely housed a desk on a large ruge, the walls were adorned with mounted weaponry and portraits of unknown men and women. Shelves lining the walls were filled with books and covered in small boxes and other assorted decorations. What used to most likely be an officer’s dwelling had been turned into a nice little home. However, before she could go upstairs for Shadow, she needed to make sure no surprises were waiting in the rooms before her. To the right of the desk was a shut door, the faint glow of candle light dancing along the cracks.

    Thursday listened closely, and upon hearing nothing, ventured to open the door. The door opened before her claws could find a grip on the handle, and before her stood a squat, slightly rotund woman as she stared blearily into the darkness. Quickly, the homunculus pressed a hand to the woman’s mouth and shoved her back into the room, keeping the claw pressed tightly to her lips as she pulled the door shut behind them. The woman’s candle was dropped, the flame going out in silence.

    “Make a sound and I’ll rip out your guts,” Thursday hissed, staring at the terrified woman intently. “You answer my questions and that is all. Who are you?”

    Reluctantly, Thursday pulled her hand away, thankfully greeted by the soft, whimpering coos of a woman frozen with fear.

    “I-I’m the children’s caretaker. I f-f-feed and- and I-”

    “Silent. What children? He has other children?”

    Trying to maintain her composure and not break down in tears, the woman shook and blubbered before she spoke, struggling to keep her voice down lest she be disemboweled.

    “He… gets orphans… kids who volunteer to fight for him. Th-they are in the other room. Please… d-don’t hurt the-”

    Coldly, Thursday gave an effortless and quick jab to the woman’s throat. Though it was not able to be seen, she could hear the blood spilling. She grabbed the woman before she fell, setting her down gently on the floor to allow her last moments of life to be a little quieter, and subsequently easier for herself. It was a shame the children were volunteers. She may have been able to consider letting them live, otherwise.
    I have done a thousand dreadful things
    As willingly as one would kill a fly,
    And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
    But that I cannot do ten thousand more.

  2. #2
    Member
    EXP: 18,750, Level: 4
    Level completed: 80%, EXP required for next level: 1,250
    Level completed: 80%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,250
    GP
    500
    Thursday's Avatar

    Name
    Thursday
    Age
    30 years of life, 20 years in appearance
    Race
    Homunculus
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Gray
    Build
    6'1", 160 lbs.
    Job
    Miscellaneous

    Marcus Shadow did not find the feeling of wet ground at his bottom appealing in the slightest. More alarmingly, he wasn’t quite sure how he’d ended up in such a position to begin with. As the forced sleep faded from his vision, he became acutely aware of being outside of his comfortable bed. He was seated in the middle of his own fort, arms tied securely at his back around the massive stake in the yard facing toward his own house. His head ached, and though he was confused, he was not frightened.

    “Show yourself,” he proclaimed, glancing about the emptied fort. There was a significant lack of life, he noticed. Not just a lack of life, but the dreadful sense of death. There came a rustling about the barracks, and from them approached an easily distinguishable feature, even with his old eyes.

    “Oh, so you seem to have survived. How fortuitous,” he grumbled. His shoulder slumping faintly. He glanced a ball in her hands, something she clasped tightly in her hand. A rock, perhaps, to bash in his head? When she tossed it gently underhand, the thing touched ground a couple feet away and rolled, stopping conveniently at his feet. Aaron’s lifeless eyes stared back, his mouth agape in shock or pain. It was hard to tell now. Thursday laughed as she strolled closer. Cackling like a banshee.

    “I was worried it would land face-down,” she stated between chuckles. Stopping before him, she looked him up and down, his black silks covered in dirt and dust from his being dragged outside.

    “Well, here we are. I suppose your master is dead?”

    Thursday raised an eyebrow at the man, kneeling before him. She wasn’t worried about him kicking. He clearly wasn’t the type to thrash.

    “He wasn’t my master. Just an employer. I had a nice little thing going here. I got to kill to a cheering crowd and get paid for it. You ruined that. That’s why I’m doing this.”

    “You have no soul,” Shadow told her, smiling faintly to himself.

    “That’s a little harsh,” Thursday replied, his growing smile more than disarming.

    “You have no soul. I’ve never…”

    His eyes drifted about her body, the gaze scientific more than appreciative.

    “Varidante,” he exclaimed, his eyes widening. “You aren’t human! Rather, you are no longer human!”

    Thursday’s teeth clenched at the mention of the name. She sent a swift punch to the man’s face and stood back, staring down at him darkly.

    “How do you know that name?”

    “How does any necromancer not? Varidante, or I suppose he made you call him Dante, was a master. A true master. Clearly,” Shadow said, nodding at her.

    “Necromancy? You’d best tell me what you’re talking about before I rip the knowledge from your flesh!”

    Would he finally be a lead to finding Dante? As much as she hated the feeling of suddenly being out of control of the situation, it was a lure she had to bite. Any information would be better than none.

    “Ohoho. Did he send you for me? But why? I thought him long dead… either way, I have done him no ill! Why are you here? Why did you work for that Melo, pet?”

    “Pet? Pet?!”

    Thursday growled angrily as she grabbed Aaron’s dismembered head and threw it at the man tied before her, the lifeless skull striking him on the forehead. He reeled, shaking his head to avoid sinking back into darkness.

    “You aren’t… you aren’t under his control? He made a sentient golem?!”

    “I am not a golem you old fool! I have flesh! I have thoughts! What do you know about my fa- Dante!”

    Marcus Shadow smiled, the strange, dreamy smile of a madman.

    “Not a golem you say? Oh, oh yes… it all makes sense. Reanimation…”

    “Reanimation?! I am a homunculus! I was created,” Thursday hissed in frustration, unable to ignore how unusual it felt to say that aloud.

    “You know nothing, girl. No man can do such a thing. Not even him. Created you were, perhaps, but not simply with dark magic alone, no… you were somebody once.”

    Thursday felt her grip on the situation slipping. Shadow appeared to be a master manipulator, but so was she, and there was no doubt in his words. He could seemingly sense this, as he lowered his head, his dark, greasy locks of hair falling into his vision.

    “To create a minion of your quality… my, my, my… he was very good. Do you suppose you have flowing blood? A beating heart? I doubt that you do.”

    Blankly, she stared back, her face a portrait of confusion.

    “A murderous being such as yourself. He most likely pulled you from the gallows. Perhaps you had been drawn and quartered, hence your missing bellybutton. I do not know his methods. What I do know, however, is that I, too am a master of necromancy…”

    His tone of voice began to rise with confidence. Was he merely biding time to conjure up some sort of escape? Thursday tensed, ready to attack or defend herself if something were to happen.

    “And as a master, I know many ways to control and manipulate the dead.”

    “That’s it, old man,” Thursday asked, slowly relaxing. “Your rambling was almost enough to throw me completely off. But alas, it would seem your time has come.”

    “Think of my words as meaningless. For they truly will have been if this does not work,” he stated, beginning to mutter something beneath his breath.

    “What?!”

    Thursday made a step toward him but froze, finding herself feeling oddly sluggish. Shadow begin to chitter gleefully despite his constant stream of indecipherable nonsense. It began to get louder, the whispers echoing ceaselessly in her mind. Thursday’s left leg began to go numb, her left arm twitched.

    “It’s true…” Thursday whispered, her face contorting in disbelief.

    Aaron’s discarded head began to shake, the jaw snapping open and shut repeatedly, forcing the thing to putter about the dirt. The lifeless eyes met her own, and she realized that it was laughing. Silently, the head was laughing at her. Gripped with a sudden rage at this, she lunged at Shadow, sending a swift kick to his throat. The chanting ended, and Aaron’s head went still once more.

    “You son of a bitch,” Thursday hissed. She felt an icy finger caress her cheek and reached upward, wiping away what appeared to be her own caustic arcane blood.

    “No… tears…” Shadow choked, struggling for breath. Every last bit he got, however, was dedicated to raspy chuckles of academic joy and vindication. He was witnessing a miracle to his life’s devoted work. Thursday, to him, was a pinnacle of achievement. One he could never have hoped to reach.

    “So you’re a necromancer. But I know what else you are, Shadow. A father,” Thursday said, wiping the bloody streak from her cheek and regaining her composure. His eyes went wide and he shook his head, still unable to formally speak as he struggled still for breath.

    Stepping over to the house, Thursday dug clawed fingers into the siding until she produced a sizable chunk of the wood, which she gripped menacingly in her hands as she stared back at him.

    “I should thank you for sticking your sons and bastard orphans in a room without windows. I barricaded the door, so now they have nowhere to go except ash.”

    She was glad to see fear in his eyes. The hatred and rage of a man unable to defend those he swore to. As she infused the wood with energy and tossed it against the side of the building, she smiled, watching as a small blue flame crawled along the side. It caught the wood, and a true fire began.

    Stepping back toward the man, she knelt at his side, watching the flames grow and slowly engulf the house. True tears fell down his cheeks as he still gasped for air through a swollen throat. The smoke and emotion making twice as difficult.

    “Yes, yes. It’s horrible,” Thursday said smugly. “The fire’s loud, but maybe while we watch it together, we’ll be able to hear them scream.”

    Marcus Shadow tried to yell, but could not, and watched in painful silence as his home, his children, and his life burned to the ground.
    I have done a thousand dreadful things
    As willingly as one would kill a fly,
    And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
    But that I cannot do ten thousand more.

  3. #3
    Member
    EXP: 18,750, Level: 4
    Level completed: 80%, EXP required for next level: 1,250
    Level completed: 80%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,250
    GP
    500
    Thursday's Avatar

    Name
    Thursday
    Age
    30 years of life, 20 years in appearance
    Race
    Homunculus
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Gray
    Build
    6'1", 160 lbs.
    Job
    Miscellaneous

    “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Thursday asked, her eyes squinted tight at the gusts of heat that billowed at them from the flame-engulfed structure. The roar of the blaze was not too great by the time the children began their final, agonizing minutes of life. A cacophony of young screams echoed from the fire, as if plucked from the depths of the abyss. Despite this glorious moment of cruelty, Thursday was not enjoying herself. Shadow had gotten inside of her mind. He’d planted seeds of confusion there. More questions she’d have to ask Dante when she finally and inevitably caught him. Too much was at stake now to let the idea be pushed aside. Already Thursday felt as though she were going to lose her mind at the sheer weight of the information she was told. Was she somebody else once before? A normal human woman forced back to life for the sake of doing one’s bidding was not an idea she enjoyed for herself. Even less so than being created from scratch.

    “What a fitting end for me, then,” Marcus Shadow croaked, his face devoid of emotion. His eyes, glassy and dark, watched the fire and his tormentor with near indifference. A deep rage, hidden simply because of its known futility, burned in his dark glare.

    “Most of my life was spent tormenting others. Wielding the corpses of friend and foe alike to slay my equals and my betters. For what? To be ended by a puppet. A ghost.”

    “That’s enough out of you,” Thursday hissed. She turned back to him and dove like a hawk, her blood-stained hands wrapping around the man’s thin neck. She squeezed tight with all her fingers, Shadow’s face instantly turning a darkening shade of red. Coldly she stared back at him, a grin crossing her face.

    “I’ll watch the light fade from your eyes, Marcus.”

    Something gave way beneath her hands, and a final wet choke escaped the man before he slumped over, quite dead. She wanted to defile the corpse. Tear him apart and throw him away, but the fire, and quickly approaching sunrise told her she needed to leave before the curious and soldiers made their way there. Quickly, she rose and made her way back to the cell where Melo was being kept. He lay on the floor, dirty, bloodied, and not breathing. There was, however, the ghost of a grin on his face. He had died the moment after Thursday had left him, the thought of his enemy suffering to the end being enough to send him off in peace.

    “Hello there! Pale one!”

    The strange voice from outside made her duck immediately to the shadows. Who could have seen her that she wouldn’t have found first?

    “It is very hot over here, please untie me!”

    Confused, Thursday stood up and stepped back outside, looking suspiciously at Marcus Shadow’s body. Something certainly did not feel right. When the head rose up, supported on a neck that should’ve been unable to, she was angry.

    “What shit is this now?” she grumbled, walking carefully over to the stake. Marcus Shadow’s head turned to her, but it was not his gaze that stared back. He was gone. Empty eyes looked back at her, eyes much like her own. Those of the dead. The mouth hung open, but full sentences came forth, spoken as if by an eloquent - if not slight - man.

    “This surely must be surprising to you, but alas, I haven’t the time to explain. I need you to untie me, please.”

    Thursday groaned and rolled her eyes at the verbose corpse, slowly shaking her head.

    “No. No, I’m not untying you until you tell me what’s going on here. Right fucking now.”

    “This body was promised to me in exchange for power. The body has now been forfeited and my exchange with Marcus Shadow is complete. Do untie me. I have tasks to accomplish here, and if you don’t, you shall incur the wrath of of a force you cannot begin to comprehend or defeat. Besides this, undead and demons are practically siblings. You should be doing it out of mere kindness.”

    “I’m already tired of knowing this about myself, but thank you for confirming,” she said wearily, her right hand forming into a claw and cutting the ropes free.

    “You’re quite welcome,” said the voice, Marcus Shadow’s body rising and wobbling as it stood. “Please excuse me, it’s been some time since I have been in one of these.”

    “Oh, no, take your time.”

    As the thing righted itself, the thing started walking away from the fire and toward the gate, ignoring Thursday completely until it stopped not far from the fort’s massive front gates.

    “Tell me, do you feel out of place among the humans?”

    She narrowed her eyes at the thing before her; a mockery of life even moreso than she. What harm would there be in answering?

    “Of course. Why wouldn’t I? Do you think they know what I am?”

    “Oh no. You certainly do not look like any healthy human being, but your creator put great pains into making you as presentable as possible. When I am here, I find myself lonely sometimes, myself.”

    “A lonely demon, is it? Well, my night keeps getting better. I’ve already had to deal with another ‘sibling’ and I am not interested in dealing with more. Friendly or otherwise.”

    “Nor would I want your company. You are crass, unpleasant, and cruel, however, for freeing me I was going to give you some advice,” the disembodied voice said through Shadow’s drooping, dead mouth. The sight itself would be enough to send most normal men and women running without pause, but Thursday wasn’t jarred. She felt almost as though it were familiar. All of it.

    “Let’s hear it then,” Thursday said, as she stretched impatiently, wanting to get away from the massive fire that would surely be drawing attention in the morning light.

    “Awareness of yourself will bring awareness of others, yes? Most undead are not conscious of themselves, however those that are can seek their bretheren out. Most of us can only feel a kinship with one another, we dark creatures. Though I have known a succubus or two that found themselves more comfortable with humans. I cannot fathom why, but…”

    “Right. So be alone forever, then? Thank you kindly, corpse of Marcus Shadow.”

    “You may call me Narak,” the voice corrected, one of shadow’s paling hands waving courteously. “But now I shall go. I have tasks to accomplish, as I said.”

    The body walked at the gates of the fort, the massive logs groaning once he neared. It slid open before him as if pushed by massive, invisible hands, and slammed shut at his rear, the gust causing the flames to dance playfully. Thursday made her way back up the steps to the ramparts and jumped over where she’d first come in, leaving the fort, and ending finally her tale in Haven. As she reflected on her journeys upon Corone on her way back to Haven, it was like recalling a nightmare. She shuddered to think of what horrors would greet her the closer she got to finding Dante.

    When the town had come back into view beyond the still verdant forest, Thursday was almost happy to have arrived. It meant she could finally leave. The sun was rising on the emptied houses and shops, illuminating the streets devoid of life. At the torn open corner of the old inn, Thursday could see a shape sitting at the splintered edge, staring sullenly at the town and surrounding woods. Thursday whistled, and Daisy’s head snapped toward in her direction. She was clearly smiling, and recalling the advice of Narak, Thursday began to smile too.
    I have done a thousand dreadful things
    As willingly as one would kill a fly,
    And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
    But that I cannot do ten thousand more.

  4. #4
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    Dirty Money

    Due to the fact that this thread’s been waiting a long time, and I’ve taken too long already I will be limiting the depth of my judgment. This does not mean, however, that I’m not reading any more or less thoroughly than any other thread. If you require further assistance with understanding what you did wrong or right I am always just a PM or IM away and would be more than happy to help.

    STORY (22/30)

    ~ Continuity ~ 8

    You did very well to explain the back story, but I still felt like I was missing something small and something that I couldn’t put a finger on. Perhaps it was something more involving the story that you’ve built with Thursday, or the quests that came before this. It was spot on otherwise though.

    ~ Setting ~ 7

    The setting was very well done, but seemed to be lost a little here and there in the ‘second half’ (when you started writing again).

    ~ Pacing ~ 7

    Spot on, other than towards the end, which seemed a little rushed and out of place.


    CHARACTER (24/30)

    ~ Dialogue ~ 7

    Felt strangely off at times, but was well done. There was so much of it that a lot of it was deeply helpful in understanding the persona of both Thursday and Daisy.

    ~ Action~ 8

    ~ Persona ~ 9

    Fucking brilliant, I loved it, so much.


    WRITING STYLE (26/30)

    ~ Technique ~ 8

    ~ Mechanics ~ 9

    Only very few mistakes, I think I saw 4-5 total.

    ~ Clarity ~ 9


    WILD CARD!!! 9



    TOTAL
    (81/100)


    GAINS/REWARDS!

    Thursday gains 4750 exp and 400 gold

    This thread will also be put up for consideration for a JC!

  5. #5
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    Exp and gp added!

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