Out of Character:
- Two spider fangs: most likely will be sold at a later date unless they prove useful between now and then.
- One small black bag of sand: Will be used on a later quest if Travis can keep it.
That's all, thanks!
Out of Character:
- Two spider fangs: most likely will be sold at a later date unless they prove useful between now and then.
- One small black bag of sand: Will be used on a later quest if Travis can keep it.
That's all, thanks!
Chan ann leis a’chiad bhuille thuiteas a’chraobh.
My Threads
Travis Kiltias (2) (1) (0)
Other characters: Drizaghar Maena'triel, Brammas Ghistre, and Bhakti'mat Zu'ura
After a long and anticipating wait... your Judgment has been delivered.
Story
Continuity - 5
While I understand this solo quest is used as an introductory to your character and the beginning of his adventures, I find the overall development rather lackluster. The story, spanning several weeks of travel and mishaps, did not quite develop a lasting image or how it was going to affect your character in the long run. A suggestion is to find a focal point in your story and tell the story surrounding it - could be a person, could be an event or it could even be a feeling. That way, you know you also have a story you know people want to read.
Setting - 6
I love how you pay attention to developing the atmosphere of the surrounding, from the dim-lit store to the solid delyn cage bars of the Zirnden. However... I would love to see more active interaction with the surrounding in your writing, such as how slabs of ceramic roofing slid away under your feet or the damp morning dew rolling down your arm. Play around with it when you can, just make sure not to overload the readers with too much description in a short period of time.
Pacing - 5
Partly, the speed of how the story developed was just too fast and covered too much time frame with too many things going on in such a short time. You can slow things down a bit by focusing on important aspects of the story and using it as the focal point of the story. In fact, Posts #1 through #5 could be expanded into a single quest in itself. The main idea I would like to suggest is to take your time.
Writing Style
Mechanics - 7
As I know English is most probably your native language, there was nothing really out of order and you even took advantage of some advanced language structures. I would like to see more deviation from the norm now that I know you can keep sentences flowing in standard English Grammar rules, such as intentional fragmentation of sentences to create an atmosphere of urgency, stretched out words to signify hesitation or exaggerations. Play around!
Technique - 6
Much of Technigue I also covered in Mechanics. Not a lot that really stood out and I believe you could play around some more in this area. Alliteration, metaphors, simile, personifications, the works. Try them out.
Clarity - 6
The upside of not having a lot of those literary techniques? Easy to read. But~ Perhaps having very little ambiguity in story-telling is a little bad for excitement. Don't be afraid to use vague languages when you know it's going to get the readers interested. Double-meanings and inuendos seems to work well if you know where to put them.
Character
Dialogue - 6
Fairly generic in the most parts, although you did keep true to each of the character's persona. A character's dialogue can relay much more than their personality and thought processes - remember that even fictional entities have character idiosyncracies that can be expressed in their words. Like how Travis played around with the waitress in the Oyster. I would like to see more of that technique in the future.
Action - 5
I believe the interaction was a bit lackluster and fairly straight-forward. I attribute this unimpressing development in character interaction to the sped-up story.
Persona - 6
At this moment in time, the individual characters (especially the Guards) are rather flat... not intentionally an insult to your story-telling, but leaving out the physical idiosyncracies and individual personal "twitches" (such as the tendency to smoke, tugging at the collars under duress, etc) makes the character uninteresting at a passing.
Miscellaneous
Wild Card - 5
Lots of potential storylines in the making, although you could say I expected a few juicy interaction between all these NPCs. Play around some more, that's my suggestion.
FINAL SCORE – 57!
Not too bad. My first quest score a 42.
((Rewards + Spoils))
A Nony Mouse receives 800 EXP and, even after all the payment he made getting to Corone, Travis found that he acquired an increase of 120 GP. Oh, and you might want to look into getting that footgear repaired - Walking around with a hole in your boot is not really gonna help keep your foot smelling nice. First hand experience, don't ask.
...Oh, yeah. And you get the spider fangs and the black bag of sand as well.
Have fun~
Last edited by AdventWings; 03-21-08 at 12:40 AM.
The year's at the spring,
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven - All's right with the world...
~Pippa Passes; by Robert Browning
EXP and GP added!
Do you ever Feel like a Monster?
Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead
Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
Pray for The Heart I Once Had
Then grant A Rose For The Dead'
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