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Thread: Akashima Saga: Luxuria

  1. #21
    Maul-Slayer
    EXP: 172,649, Level: 18
    Level completed: 14%, EXP required for next level: 16,351
    Level completed: 14%,
    EXP required for next level: 16,351
    GP
    16,175
    Breaker's Avatar

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    Ageless (looks 28)
    Race
    Demigod (human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    6 feet / 202 lbs.

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    Vince Galatian paced energetically up the ever rising road. He had wasted his time, stopping in Stalworth. The innkeeper there hadn’t known a bloody thing, except that Jeb had departed the previous day, heading for Pagration. Galatian couldn’t figure on why his brother would be in the mountaintop town when they had agreed to meet in Stalworth. Some idiot notion about the larger village being a better place to stay, no doubt. Vince didn’t like it. Akashiman patrols reached Pagration far too often, but they never came as far as Stalworth. The sooner he climbed the mountain, the sooner he could hear his younger brother’s excuses. The sun hardly touched Vince as he paced up the hill, tenacious as a bulldog.

    A bend appeared in the road. Shapes moved in the long grass, bending it against the wind. Galatian’s hand stopped halfway to his sword hilt when he realized it was his men. What were they doing there? They didn’t need to rest. He had trained them to march all day.

    His second in command, Corren Moore, approached as he arrived at the grouping of men. The second’s face looked ashen as a stormy sky, and worry quivered in his eyes. Something bad had happened. Moore knew better than to withhold anything from his superior, but he hesitated momentarily. Galatian would not be pressed to question his man. He merely stared until Moore spoke up.

    “We trekked towards Pagration quick as you said, sir. I had a man flanking each side of the road, like always, watching for game or threats.” Galatian’s steely gaze never wavered. Of course they would be hunting while they moved; why waste traveling time? He had taught them that, as well. Moore was stalling. The second cleared his throat nervously then continued.

    “They... they found some bodies in the brambles, sir. Some of Jeb’s men, killed in combat from the looks of it.” Moore gulped. Galatian didn’t like to see that; his second was normally colder than Berevar. “We searched the area, and... well, sir, Jeb’s dead. Him and his whole crew got massacred, a day or two ago as near as I could tell. Sir...?” Moore took a step backwards. Galatian wasn’t known for sudden outbursts of violence, but one could never be too safe around such a dangerous man.

    Ice seized Galatian’s stomach. His bloody bastard of a brother had gotten himself killed. Vince didn’t succumb to fiery anger like most men. Instead, he felt frost travel throughout his veins, sealing off any emotion. He had felt the frigid nothingness before, when Yamihara Hiroi stripped him of his position. The ice wouldn’t melt until he had wrecked vengeance on his brother’s killer. Then, and only then, would he allow himself to grieve.

    “Flatten a ten square, we’ll camp here for the night,” he said, his voice quiet yet crisp as the mountain air. “Dig graves for Jeb and his men. We’ll bury them at dawn tomorrow, then move on.” Moore gave a short bow and practically scampered away. Galatian gazed into the distance, lost to the world.

    Nothing but wilderness in any other direction. Whoever had killed Jeb must be in Pagration. It wouldn’t take long to find the culprits. Strangers stood out in small mountaintop towns.

    To be continued...
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  2. #22
    The Three Ways
    EXP: 42,532, Level: 8
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 1,468
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,468
    GP
    2,265
    Logan's Avatar

    Name
    Logan McCloud
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Silver
    Eye Color
    Glacier Blue
    Build
    6'4" - 245 lbs.
    Job
    Manipulation of Your Mind

    QUEST JUDGEMENT:

    Joshua Cronen/Anastacia Alliendra


    STORY


    Continuity (9.5/10/9.5/10) ~ Most people would argue that it seems just random that Joshua was on the road to Akashima, but it made complete sense throughout the story. Things didn’t seem random for him at all, and that is a VERY good thing. Stacia also was where she should have been at most times, and once again it made complete sense. Good job to you both.

    Setting (9.5/10/9.5/10) ~ The half point for you both comes from the hidden Akashimen and the way they used the long grass. The swamp was ingenius, Stacia, and for Joshua, the use of the villages and inns, while cliché, was expertly done and fit well in the overall scheme of things. Oddly, even cliché as it was, it was fresh. Well done, both of you.

    Pacing (9.5/10/8/10) ~ It fit, it played well. The whole quest went smoothly and in the beginning as I told both of you already I was hooked because of the anticipatory style, which I believe comes from your pacing. Stacia, I docked your score a little bit because of the sex scene, it just seemed out of place considering the prior events, but even still it did fit. Not too shabby, both of you.


    CHARACTER



    Dialogue (8/10/9/10) ~ Not only did you both utilize all types and styles of dialogue, but you did it remarkably well. Joshua, you disappointed me with this, as some of his thoughts just seemed out of character for him. Stacia, you hit the mark pretty much every time, even body language-wise. And the use of the Captain’s simple war cry and then the Akashimen war cry was well done. Good job to you both, but obviously a little room for improvement, Josh.


    Action (9.5/10/9.5/10) ~ I loved every bit of this category for both of you. Joshua’s moves and movements didn’t come across as scripted, but rather more stoic and well executed as per his character. Stacia’s seemed jumbled at times, but that was her character. As such, it’s reflected in your scores. The fight scenes flowed at a good pace, never too much detail to bore me as a reader, but enough to know each fight was important. Overall, it all worked well with one another.


    Persona (9/10/9.5/10) ~ Ok, Stacia’s emotion was so petite and dainty at times, and then bam, when the moment called for it, she rose to the occasion. I felt like that in and of itself was a hint at a future of her character’s abilities that will grow with time. With Josh, things were paced, and his persona itself was the same way. Stoic at times, and then when Stacia entered the scene the reader actually sees a slightly sensitive side of Joshua, and yet it all intertwined and never felt forced. Congratulations, this may be the best I’ve ever seen this category done.



    WRITING STYLE



    Mechanics ((9/10/9/10)) ~ You both have such a beautiful and eloquent grasp of the flow and purpose of the words you use. There were a couple of unforced typos and errors, and those dropped you to the 9 points, but overall, nothing really deterred from what you both intended to get across. As such, this is how you get the points you get.


    Technique ((9.5/10/9.5/10)) ~ My God, this was so beautifully done for the both of you. As I read in the beginning I was on the edge of my seat expecting something to happen, and it did, but yet, you both paced your introductions with one another so remarkably well. I want to give you both 10’s, but I think there was some VERY slight room for improvement, and thus the 9.5’s. You both intertwined little hints at things, and other little things that just screamed your techniques are very above average. Keep it up you two!

    Clarity ((9/10/8/10)) ~ There were only a couple of VERY fleeting moments in Stacia’s writing that I scratched my head and went, “Huh?” On the contrary, I really only came to that thought once, and it was so fleeting it was almost non-existant. Both of you have a clarity that belies your time on Althanas. Both of you write in such a way that as a reader, I don’t feel forced to read your stuff. It flows and it reads easily, which means I’m really aching for part two of this.


    Wild Card (9/10/9/10) ~ I want to kill you both for the abrupt ending, but it was purposeful. I want more of Vince, as he seems to be a character of his own that needs time to be truly enjoyed. I want more of Stacia and Joshua’s relationship and friendship. I want more of the Matron of Luxuria Inn. I sure as heck want more of the innkeeper. I would’ve liked a little more of the shopkeeper brother, as you could’ve really played it up a little more. Overall, I loved this thread. I read it and enjoyed every lasting moment, and am not only anticipating the next quest, but I am ready for it…now. So get to writing, both of you, and make me a happy mod!



    Total Scores:

    Joshua’s Total: 91.5
    Anastacia’s Total: 90.5


    Joshua gains 3840 Exp and 200 Gold.
    Anastacia gains 1370 Exp and 125 Gold.


    Spoils from the Mod:

    Joshua gains a bloodied Dehlar broadsword that was delivered to the Matron. This item is not sellable, ever, but it can be upgraded in the Bazaar at any time. It cannot ever be imbued with any magic, however. Just a blade. (Moderator Side Note: You need to RP him receiving this in the next part of this quest. And we discussed a couple of other important things you should keep in mind limit-wise)

    Anastacia gains use of Apprentice Choke Hold Techniques as well as Apprentice Counter-Hold Techniques. Descriptions of both to be added during her level one update and must be approved by a mod other than myself, however, she may request the mod who looks at approving her level one update to speak with me regarding this.


    I just want to add that this was the most entertaining read I've had the pleasure of going through lately. Thank you for requesting me, Joshua. It was well worth my time.

    Overall Thread Score: 91
    Last edited by Logan; 04-25-08 at 08:29 AM.
    Dying to himself, - Level 1/2
    Led to a new creation. Level 3
    The form remained - Level 4
    The foundation was rebuilt - Level 5
    The House rebuilt. - Level 6

    2015 - 1/2 of Adventurer's Crown Round 2 Guest Team w/ Max Dirks, Althy Day Superlatives: Character - Best Personality, Writer - Hardest Worker
    2016 - 1/2 of Best IC Partners w/ Max Dirks, Mr. Althanas

    {Record keeping for me: A Talymer longbow with 40 enchanted arrows purchased here,
    a box of cakes/muffins given here,
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    }

  3. #23
    ברוך אתה אדוני אלוהינו
    EXP: 9,299, Level: 4
    Level completed: 6%, EXP required for next level: 4,701
    Level completed: 6%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,701
    GP
    616
    Zook Murnig's Avatar

    Name
    Alma Waterstone
    Age
    25
    Race
    Human (Q'Doshi Sinai)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Russet
    Build
    5'4" / 129 lb.
    Job
    Witch

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    EXP/GP added!

    016573 levels up!

    Move is pending Judges' Choice decision.
    Last edited by Zook Murnig; 04-25-08 at 05:43 PM.
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