The Tagalong General

[Deus di Eclave]

When the general pulled him off to the side and showed him that the form was just a ruse, Drizaghar hid his confusion. Though what he felt now was a different sort of disorientation. The creature he had been traveling with earlier had somehow become Shin’dril; powers and all. The dark elf could make neither heads nor tails of it, but he decided it would be best if he played along.

The drow understood his ally’s plans, but had no clue how the beast thought he would be able to execute them. I’ll leave the thinking to him, he concluded. Obviously the creature was in a much better position to be planning things out that Drizaghar was. As they returned to the line, the necromancer moved away from the members of Legion Clades and moved toward the back of the column.

Rows of zombies marched in front of him and he took the time to practice bits of knowledge that he had picked up in the Tome of Necromancy that his ancestor had left him. The book had always proved useful, but the dark elf couldn’t use many of the abilities detailed there. Perhaps this is just the time to begin learning through experience, he reasoned.

As he pushed a small tendril of power into the undead directly in front of him, he thought on his new position within the army. Lieutenant, he rolled the word over in his mind. What does this all mean? The day had moved so fast since they found the zombie horde, Drizaghar hardly had time to sort it all out. And next we attack the elves, he smiled wickedly.

He slammed into the zombie in front of him for the creature had stopped moving. Stumbling back from the impact, Drizaghar looked to see the rest of the horde still marching ever onward toward the capital. What… then the dark elf realized his small tendril of power had entered the simple being’s mind; he controlled the zombie warrior.

His grin widened as he sent commands across the tentative connection, Will this work? As he contemplated the outcome, the zombie turned and began marching toward a nearby tree; just as Drizaghar had commanded. The drow’s incredulity at how easy it was to use his necromancy bordered on amazement with himself; best not to get too cocky though. Turning the zombie back toward the rest of the patrol, he ran alongside it as they slipped back into their formation.

Shaking his head in wonderment, the drow walked back to the front of the line next to Shin’dril, content to contemplate his position and wait for the general to give the next order. Their march to Eluriand would be finished within the next hour or so… then the real fun began.

[Abomination]

The smell of smoke permeated soon permeated the air during the long march. The field of green they were marching across withered the undead trample. It was dark, with a clear sky slowly turning to a clouded one. The captain of Legion Clades reported that hostilities had already begun on the front, and our contingent was expected as a part of the reinforcements.

Homun asked, "What is the situation over there?"

The captain responded, "Our preliminary scouts report that they are currently fighting outside of the city."

Homun considered the implications of their arrival. Currently, it looked like an even fight over there. Who would be winning when they got there? He let the captain go and looked at Drizaghar, who seemed to be practicing necromancy. In an instant, he felt a strange twinge, like one of his mental puppet strings had been snapped. It was Drizaghar taking over one of his zombies. For how little time they had, he was doing somewhat well. However, when his time was up Drizaghar would need to control an entire army- and have them fight as skillfully as the elves themselves.

That wasn't all. The drow would also need to learn the customs of this army, and know various things that is expected of all lieutenants. Shin'dril was a lieutenant himself, but Homun remembered where he became a general. He received his promotion in Valinatal, fighting against the elven defenders that were managing to hold him off. Shin'dril must've sensed that he did not win honorably, because Homun felt a great regret in that battle. However, the tunnel he came from was in the direction of Valinatal, so this story made some sense to the Homunculus. He walked to Drizaghar and interrupted his practice.

"Listen carefully, for I am going to explain everything you need to know while I still know it."

He spent the next hour detailing proper procedure and the history of the war. He could only cover the history starting from his master's reemergence and the victory at Carnelost, but it should be enough.

"It seems we are part of major reinforcements for the current battle at Eluriand. By the time we arrive, attrition will have taken its toll on the living elven defenders, and it should be a clean sweep. However, if things are going sour for us, our arrival shall turn the tide."

Homun had no vested interest in this battle, but talking about it made him feel enthusiastic. His mind quarreled with the thought of Xem'zûnd as his master and his target. Putting off these thoughts until the battle was over would be best for him, as it won't matter anymore by then.

Soon, they reached a tall hill and when they reached the top, they could see Eluriand in the distance. Long, dark plumes of smoke were emerging from inside the walls, rising high up into the sky. Bodies were strewn across the once-green fields and there seemed to be thousands of creatures fighting outside the walls. No, tens of thousands.

Homun raised his cursed sword into the air and yelled, "Prepare yourselves! Our moment of triumph has come! For Xem'zûnd! For glory!"

All of Legion Gelucius pumped their weapons into the air, the Legion Clades howled, and the Legion Celes roared through their bulky human frames. Homun had only thirty hours left before he reverted back to his previous self. Could Drizaghar learn all that he needed to before this battle was over? Could he find and assimilate Xem'zûnd without getting himself annihilated? Only time would tell.

Spoils:
--New Ability-- Night vision: Gained through the assimilation of the drow Drizaghar, Homun can now see as well in the dark as he can in light (this can be augmented, toned down, whatever).

[Deus di Eclave]

As Shin’dril explained the history of the war and the tactics he would need to command the zombie forces, Drizagar paid careful attention. Much of the information matched up with the knowledge contained in the Tome of Necromancy, only the general explained them in much simpler language. The drow found himself flooded with new skills to try out when they reached their position just south of Eluriand. “For Xem'zûnd!” came the warcry from their troops and suddenly everyone was rushing toward the elven capital.

Experience is sometime the best teacher and as the zombie horde closed in on the elven defenders, Drizaghar took a deep breath and plunged in after them. This was the moment where he would either sink or swim; how he commanded his undead warriors could very well decide the course of his future. Choking now would spell peril.

The dark elf reached into the one tendril of connection he had with a zombie and vicariously swung the creature’s blade. From what Shin’dril had said, this was an inefficient method, but one he would have to master. Would the attack on Eluriand be his defining moment?

Spoils:
Deferred to the next quest with an eye toward a larger item.
If not, then just extra gold.
Thanks!

[Raelyse]

Story

Continuity – 6 – Just a note, no moderator is expected to read a thread just because you mention it is a prelude to this one. That said, I wasn't terribly lost by the events that were happening. That's not a compliment though, because I didn't get much more to tell me besides the bare bones about what was happening. What were your characters feeling about the current events? Homunculus did it well by describing his singleminded search for Xem'Zund but Drizaghar didn't give me very much at all regarding his character. I liked the little introduction with Shin'dril rallying his forces in the first post, but I felt it jumped too fast into Drizaghar which was a bit annoying. More on that in Pacing.
Setting – 4 – It's a cave. Oh and the cave stinks because there are a lot of zombies here. That was about all that the two of you gave me. What about stalactites and stalagmites? Don't let the cave be boring, spice it up a little! Little details here and there will make your arena come to life and make your writing more interesting. It was very boring and you guys constantly ignored it, never really mentioning it at all.
Pacing – 5 – This was mostly okay. The thread moved along well with a obvious climax when Homunculus absorbed Shin'dril but I found that you guys rushed into this very much, and you did this with a few other events. I think this could easily have been spread over a few posts which would have made for more suspense. Like I've said before, I liked the little interludes with Shin'dril and his army, but I found that you moved too fast from writing him to writing Drizaghar. Maybe next time, try writing a whole post as an antagonist so you can give him more life? You didn't really do these scenes very well, so it brought down your pacing score.

Character

Dialogue – 5 – Homunculus seems to have a good feel for his character, but the conflicted nature of the character means that you have to work hard to make it believable and I didn't feel as if you did that with much success here. The main thing I was peeved about was that he was so eager to meet Xem'Zund at the beginning and end and I would have thought he'd be more excited at the first mention of Xem'Zund but he was rather muted. Other than that, I enjoyed reading about his inner thoughts. Drizaghar seems to be very neutral and doesn't think about things very often, which is annoying because he isn't a robot! Try to integrate his inner feelings and thoughts in everything he does and he will be infinitely more interesting. In this thread, you dragged down this score because your character's spoken dialogue wasn't particularly eye catching and your inner thoughts, feelings and opinions were almost non-existent.
Action – 4 – This wasn't too bad, but there is room for improvement. Like I've said before, Homunculus has a good grip on his character and writes him very well. Drizaghar didn't really do anything that was out of character either, but I didn't like how quickly you two managed to kill Shin'dril, which was where you really lost points. He's a general with forces, yet you wrote as if all his underlings were bumbling fools who didn't notice their master getting dragged away into a cave. And then during the march, how could his ex-second in command or anyone sentient not sense something fishy about appointing a complete stranger as a second in command? Maybe if you two had sold it better, it would have been more believable, but you didn't and I was left confused.
Persona – 6 – Both of you did well here. I like Homunculus' constant shifts in personalities as he assimilates and also how Drizaghar was generally afraid and meek throughout, and then finally gaining some confidence at the end. You didn't score higher here because I didn't feel that you delved deeply into your character's emotions. I felt you should have been more afraid of the zombie horde, or nervous during the march of being found out but you only briefly touched on these. Go deeper into your characters and write of their feelings and you'll get better scores here.

Writing Style

Technique – 5 – There were a few literary techniques used here and there but none that wowed me with their originality and ingenuity. I know going out of your mind to describe something with a flowery metaphor can make it seem out of place but after a while as your writing style develops, you'll be able to develop seamless literary devices that slide into your writing and really enhance it. I also felt that you guys constantly jumped the gun plot wise. A little foreshadowing here is as old a writing technique as you can get, but it is always exciting for the reader if you drop us tidbits and let us follow the bread crumbs. Giving us the climax too quickly without any foreshadowing really hurt this thread's ability to get me excited for what was happening next.
Mechanics – 6 – Both of you had minor flaws but nothing staggeringly bad. A few spelling errors here and there and a few issues with sentence construction, but these can all be improved if you read through your posts before you post them to eliminate mistakes.
Clarity – 5 – Homunculus did well here but Drizaghar has a few issues, especially early on. You suddenly mention Fascath and I had no idea what he was. Take a few sentences here and there to really flesh out your character and the world around him. If both of you had done this, you'd have scored higher in almost all the catergories. That said, your writing did flow well for the most part.

Wild Card – 5 – A distinctly average thread and this is reflected here. Both of you can do better with practice and I hope you continue this storyline because it is an exciting one. Just remember not to do anything ground breaking, since this is the FQ. If you want to really make an impact, make sure it is approved by a moderator.

Total Score – 51

Deus di Eclave gains 535 EXP
Homunculus gains 1020 EXP and 50 GP

All spoils granted!

Homunculus, I feel that you didn't describe the ability in enough detail so I ask that you do so when you post your Level 2 update to get it approved. For now, I'll allow it because even at its most powerful, it's really nothing significant.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!

DEUS DI ECLAVE LEVELS UP!