Through the Fire and the Flames

[Charles]

As soon as the wolves started to run off, Charles seemed to deflate. His arm fell limply to his side, and he had to struggle to put his mace back on its belt loop. Finally, after three feeble tries, it was secure, and he began the laborious process of removing his helmet and tramping out of the woods.

I must look like hell. Yeah ya do. Oh shut up, I wan't asking you.

He could barely walk, though his slow travel let some measure of strength creep back into his limbs as he exited the thick tree cover he had used to such ruthless advantage. When he cleared the woods, he met a horrifying sight. The undead were destroyed, the humans were scattering, and their commander, he had to be their commander, had his hammer. He concentrated for a moment, and nearly collapsed as he picked his daggers up and returned them to their sheaths. He staggered more into the open, and he must have been a terrifying sight, His entire mouth area, from his nose to his chin, and spreading out along his cheeks, was caked in dried blood, like he'd been devouring his enemies rather than crushing their bodies. The only thing that gave him away was the renewed trickle of blood running down his face, as the exertion of his attempt brought on yet another nosebleed. He tried to talk, but at first all that came out was a croak. He reached to his side, and miraculously undamaged throughout the entire madness, grabbed up his water skin, and took a deep drink, before clearing his throat and continuing.

"I think you have my hammer. His deep bass voice was still weak, but it didn't matter. "I can see neither of us is in any condition to kill the other, so perhaps a truce is in order. I have no quarrel with you, only your former employer, so if you'll return my hammer, I'll consider things resolved, and be about my business in peace. You can even travel with me, as far as you care to, if you take up my offer. Though you may want to replace that armor. I didn't even hit you that hard..." He could see the dent in the mans defenses where his hammer had struck, and knocked more than just the fght out of him.

[Deus di Eclave]

The intruder staggered out of the forest and caught Silas just as he had been about to start the long and arduous trek back to his hometown near Carnelost. The brute offered a truce and the former Captain readily agreed, handing over the great warhammer enthusiastically. Travel with this man? he wondered why the trespasser who had killed his leader would offer such a thing. The thought was laughable.

He started once more down the hillside, but stopped after a few steps. The man was strong, had some clear purpose in mind, and had just pulled off one of the greatest coups of all time. Silas Koloblicin pivoted on his booted heel and addressed the bloody brute boldly, “You know what? I’ll join you.” It was time for a new chapter in the warrior’s life.

~~

Drizaghar Maena’triel shuddered to life in the Antifirmament and was summarily expelled into the land of the living. Mortals had no place in the realm of shadows and mystery, not unless they went through the proper channels. I’ll save that for another time, the necromancer thought as he stumbled on the ground that rushed up to meet him. His black leather boots sent small puffs of dirt out as they hit the path and the dark elf surveyed his surroundings. “Alerar,” he guessed by the trees and other signs around him.

The nature of the spell that had brought him back to life dictated that he would be rebirthed wherever Fascath had been when the dark elf’s soul had found him. Since the familiar had been in the Antifirmament, Drizaghar had been dumped wherever the ether had willed it. Luckily, it appeared as though he wasn’t far from where he had died.

He almost started up the hill before him when he thought better of it. Xem'zûnd would hear news of his death and would never think to search out the drow necromancer. He would simply be replaced with someone more competent. Perhaps Charles killing him had been his saving grace…

The former lieutenant grinned wickedly and turned his path north, toward the mountain pass that waited only a few days away. If he could sneak back into Raiaera, he would literally be a ghost. No one knew he was alive. Turning his grin into a full-out smile, the dark elf felt his spirits lift at the prospect.

Though if their paths crossed, he had some business with Charles Magebane.

Spoils:
A simple braided leather whip, twelve feet in length.
Maybe some extra spending gold.

Note:
I was not sure if this post fell under the rule where Drizaghar was only allowed in one thread at a time (since it is tied into the FQ). So, if it does, could you please just award him the usual EXP and not the enhanced EXP. I ask this because he is already in a serious of threads in the FQ with Homun Culus. Thank you!

[Charles]

"Good, so, what do you know about mage hunting?" The conversation would last a very long time. Silas had unwittingly gotten himself not only a new companion, but a new line of work, hunting and killing evil mages. Charles walked the battle site carefully, collecting anything that might have been of use. Daggers went onto his belt, as he was constantly losing them in situations very similar to this one, and anything else useful, such as Gold, went into a pack on Silas' back. "We'll meet my companion within the next few days, when we do, you won't have to carry quite so much, but until then, I'm afraid we have to face two realities. I'm stuck in most of this armor, and I can only carry so much on a pack over this crap. Anything we don't absolutely need, we're abandoning and burning." Charles and Silas spent a few more hours collecting the bits of the undead, and Silas' own soldiers, piling the undead unceremoniously in a heap, and laying the soldiers neatly in rows. They heaped pine branches on their bodies, and finally, just before they left, they set them ablaze with flint and steel. The two men, Silas in replacement armor, carrying food for the two of them in a pack, and Charles in his battered plate, sack slung over his shoulder carrying all the nonessentials. Silas had whatever Gold they had grabbed from the corpses, a measure of Charles' trust in the man, and an indicator of exactly what their new partnership implied. They had both checked the death site of the fallen mage, but there was no evidence to be had of his death, and Charles was disappointed. He was no general, but he would have been worth something to his employers.

"Silas, you are aware that we'll likely both die doing this, right?"

"Yes I am. But, I nearly died today. I don't see much difference except perhaps doing the right thing when I die this time."

"Good. Let's go. We have work to do."

Three days later they met Traveler on the road, such as it was, and lightened their burdens significantly. By months end they would be outside Anebrilith, and then the real job started, but until then, they simply concentrated on staying alive to make it through the fights ahead alive and intact. Charles regained use of his arm, and with Silas in support, he figured he had a better than average chance of beating whatever life had in store for him later on.

7 additional steel daggers, as insurance against probable loss on the road.
Some spending Gold
Silas is an NPC ally of Charles from henceforth.

[Breaker]

Through the Fire and the Flames
Quest Judgement

Since you guys didn't request a battle judgement, I'm making it a standard quest, which probably benefits both of you anyways. Deus, you're right in that you're only allowed to be in one FQ at a time, you you'll receive regular EXP while Charles will still receive the bonus.

STORY

Continuity ~ 4/10. Neither of you did a particularly good job of describing how or why your characters arrived at their location. Their reasons for being there were mostly implied and extremely generic, giving this story a fairly boring premise. All in all, you both need to work on fitting a quest into the broader sheath of your storyline and justifying your character's presence.

Setting ~ 3/10. Deus did a little better here, with at least describing what the setting looked like and sending his troops through the woods and all that. But Charles, you really didn't pay any attention to your character's surroundings. You need to provide your reader with a vivid mental image of the setting, using all five senses. Also, the location should have some effect on your character's actions and decisions. Setting is a very important category, and I suggest you take a look at the work of some of Althanas' more experienced writers to get a feel for how alive the background can be.

Pacing ~ 4/10. The beginning of this quest was really rough. I was mildly confused about both of your premises, and it took me awhile to figure out where the voice in Charles' head was coming from. Even after reading your profile, it didn't make much sense to me. Also, Deus, you need to be careful about not re-telling the same events twice or three times through the eyes of different characters. This ties into persona too, but mostly, if you've described something once, try to move on.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 2/10. The dialogue was generic and cliche at the best of times, and completely ridiculous at worst. Charles, no one yells out monologues like that in the middle of battle, especially not in such an Earthly manner. All of the dialogue felt flat and lacked anything interesting. In fact, you could have taken almost all the dialogue out and the thread wouldn't have read much differently. Again, glancing over a few threads written by more experienced RPers might give you a few hints as to writing better dialogue. For now, work on making it realistic and relevant.

Action ~ 4/10. I boosted this a point because some of the action descriptions were good, but it barely made any sense. Charles, you played your character way too powerfully. First of all, and I'm going to talk to Cyrus about a profile clarification, your telikinesis ability seems to imply that you can move 1 small object at a time, which is I think why it got approved. However, you were turning dozens of weapons into automatic meat grinders, which is way beyond the ability range of a level 0. Also, you just seemed to keep getting tired, but keep fighting anyways, no matter what. Deus, your actions weren't that much more realistic. I find it hard to believe that with so many soldiers at his disposal, a necromancer couldn't find a way to kill his enemy.

Persona ~ 3/10. I got almost nothing from either of you. Your characters didn't seem to have any drive other than "I kill mages" and "I kill intruders." The NPCs all suffered from the same one-dimensional problem. I hate to say it guys, but I'm being generous in giving you a three here. I mean, we had a human, a drow, zombies, werewolves, and without the names or pronouns I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between them. Long story short, you both need to focus on making your characters more like real people and less like single minded wrecking machines.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 5/10. Charles, you actually had some interesting metaphor work, but your short somewhat irrelevant posts hampered that a bit. I bumped this from a four to a five for the little bit of foreshadowing that was present.

Mechanics ~ 6/10. Not too many huge errors, but often enough I saw things (silly mistakes and typos) that a quick proofread or proper spellcheck could cure. I give this advice a lot, but my favourite proofreading technique is to read the post out loud, and it works, so I suggest trying that.

Clarity ~ 5/10. This is normally a gimme category, but I got lost a few times, especially near the beginning, and the ending seemed reall unnatural, what with Silas and Charles skipping off into the sunset. Also, don't cut posts short at the cost of good writing.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 3/10. The FQ storyline provides some interesting outlets, but I feel like you guys kind of squandered a good oppurtunity. Also, Deus, avoid doing two simultaneous FQ threads in the future.

TOTAL ~ 39/100. I hope this score doesn't dissuade either of you. You've both shown potential, it's really just a matter of working hard to harvest your talent and turn it into solid skill.

EXP and GP Rewards

Deus di Eclave receives 400 EXP and 200 GP
Charles receives 750 EXP and 200 GP

Other Rewards

Charles receives 2 additional steel daggers and Silas as an NPC, but keep in mind he can only be used in battle if you have your opponent's permission.

Drizaghar receives a braided leather whip, twelve feet in length.

Final Commentary: Charles, I'm going to make an effort to keep up with your threads, and if I see you powergaming your character in a situation where your opponent doesn't have an army at his disposal, I will alert the RoG staff. Since this was your first thread and you were battling an army, I didn't actually deduct any points this time.

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!