The Enchanter's Daughter

[Breaker]

Up and up, the winding staircase went. Concealed within a one of the many guard towers that lined the defensive wall surrounding the royal palace of Knife’s Edge, the masons had crafted it firmly but humbly. Plain grey stone made up the walls and stairs, with the royal crest at every landing. I followed Kristina gladly, enjoying the sight of her lithe legs powering up the stairs. She carried a picnic basket in the crook of one elbow. After summoning a few uniformed guards to the blood soaked barn we had stopped at an all-night boulangerie. Picked up a decent spread for breakfast, and with a mysterious air Kristina said she wanted to show me something. The advancing hour and her choice of location gave me a hunch at what it was, and my stomach growled at the smells radiating from the basket. But not only my appetite yearned to be slaked. Nina’s form fitting leather pants left little to the imagination. I wanted to take her right there on the stairs.

The stairs ended in a blank platform, the familiar crest engraved on the wall. A ladder rose to the ceiling. We climbed it, ladies first as usual, and emerged on the top of the tower through an iron hinged trap door.

The view took my breath away. Empty space extended as far as my eyes could see. Outwards until the horizon line, upwards until the smoky clouds, and downwards until the streets of Knife’s Edge. The buildings looked like toys from so far away. Even my keen eyes could not pick out the lack of life from so high up. The sprawling city merely looked serene, at peace. I breathed deep and sighed in contentment, shoulders folding back to expand my chest. The air tasted clean as a mountain spring.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” Nina said, “And you haven’t even seen the best part yet.” She took my hand and led me to the waist-high parapet. We ate and chatted, gazing out over the never-ending tundra. Despite the beauty of the view, my hazel eyes kept straying to stare into Kristina’s brown ones. “Hey,” she chided, “You’re about to miss the show.”

Colors began to bleed into the drab clouds that lined the horizon. Like a grey towel slowly seeping into a technicolor bath, the cloud cover brightened. First a flourish of light purple that flirted with the aged nimbus above, then a bright vibrant yellow that leapt over the distant hills. It spilled light onto everything below. The dreary plains between the city and the sun became less desolate, a playground for the morning rather than a prison cell of night. The roofs of the houses and cookeries, offices and apartments, shops and slaughterhouses alike all flashed the glow of the impending sun. As if returning the greeting the morning had sent them, by way of reflecting its joyous light to new levels.

Kristina moved in front of and took my arms in her hands, then folded them across her stomach. I rested my chin on the top of her head and squeezed gently. Her callused fingers laced through mine and caressed my tough palm. I used my free hand to pull her hat off. The smell of her downy hair complemented the crisp air, rejuvenating my spirit. She lifted my arm and kissed the back of my hand, the gentle pressure of her full lips completing the sensory trifecta. I felt her lungs expand in anticipation.

“This is my favourite part,” She whispered, wiggling within my embrace.

A flock of birds sprang from beneath the eaves of the tower. They flew upwards past us, the drum roll of their wings and the cooing of their beaks heralding nature’s crescendo. I kissed Nina’s thick hair, inhaled her essence. A strange bliss seemed to radiate from my heart and fill the air around us, perfecting the moment.

A blinding white light crested the horizon in wake of the frivolous yellow. I squinted, not wanting to miss the arrival of the sun. The brilliant orb emerged, dazzling; enchanting; awe inspiring as it ascended the heavenly ladder. The purity of its presence washed the other colors from the sky, bleaching the yellow, and the purple, and melting the grey covers until blue sky showed through. The majestic sapphire shone in the sun’s glory, the pride of Althanas unveiled for all to see. Bereft of pollution its magnificence remained untainted, flawless as a diamond in the rough.

Nina turned to me, eyes shut against the solar flare. She cupped my head in gentle hands and pulled my lips to hers. The brilliance of the morning inspired a red haze to my closed eyelids as we kissed, tasting the sweet nectar of common desire. We stayed there, locked in a passionate embrace, two mere mortals with eyes averted in reverence to a blooming day. For a time, as we swayed in the soft snuggling breeze, the endless sky absolved us of everything save each other.

Our lips parted and I found myself lost in her eyes. Words rose from within, unbidden but welcome, for whatever they were worth.

“Thank you,” I breathed, “For showing me this. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.” The simple truth of the statement lifted worries of sounding stupid from my floating shoulders. Nina’s smile could have charmed an early dawn on any day. She kissed her fingertips then touched them to my lips, a scarlet blush painting her dimpled cheeks.

“Me too,” she whispered, eyes shining in the radiance of daybreak. Could those be tears gathering in the corners of her chocolate brown orbs? I didn’t know what to say. So I kissed her again, under the azure sky.

[Breaker]

The building had been an inn, once upon a time. Now the Salvarian Special forces occupied it as temporary quarters for their volunteers. Any carpeting that once existed was gone, unveiling watermarks and bent, rusty nails. The third floor hallway wore carved graffiti in place of decorations or furniture. An endless sea of names interspersed with the usual immature messages. Not the prettiest place, with its gouged walls and floor littered with oak shavings, but it had character. Kind of the same way that a shipwreck or a mounted deer head has character. Kristina practically dragged me up the six flights of stairs, although I had only been hesitant because the stairwells creaked like ancient trees in a hurricane. We made it to the third floor safely though, and Nina shoved me through a door that had her name engraved in its center.

I barely had time to notice the double bed, the double square windows, and the long set of drawers before she was all over me. Fingers intertwined and tangled with my hair, she pulled my head to meet hers, kissing me like it was her last day alive. I responded in like fashion, helping her shrug off her heavy coat as her fingers worked the buttons of my jacket. She smelled so alive, so packed with vitality, that I wanted to tear her clothes off without regard for buttons or stitches.

Someone knocked on the door, twice, short and crisp. Good thing I exercised such admirable self control. Nina broke away from me with evident effort, straightening her shirt.

“That's Arvide,” She said, and the name sounded like a swearword. As she moved to the door I turned and looked out the window, more to hide my obvious bulge from Nina’s partner than anything else. The guy gave me the creeps; the last thing I wanted was him seeing so much of me. “He’s going to want me to sign off the reports on last night’s raiding. I’ll have to go to the study, but I’ll be back soon.” She half stumbled out the door, her official Lieutenant tone back in place as she spoke with her underling.

I called after her, “Don’t be too long. I get jealous.” More for my own amusement than anything else. She probably didn’t hear me. I peered through the window, through the lacy patterns of frost on the glass. It was still early morning, but the road below bustled with activity. Civil war or not, Knife’s Edge had to go on living and breathing. It was good to see. Carriages, coaches and wagons wound around the occasional horseback rider, and droves of peasants on foot packed the street so tightly I couldn’t see the ground itself. I passed a few minutes idly observing the workings of a typical citizen’s day. I wondered what that would be like, just getting up and going to work, doing the same thing every day. Most likely it was boring, and with the riots and Roughcoats, it probably wasn’t much safer than what I did.

A knock at the door saved me from having to figure out exactly what it was I did for a living. Three knocks, sharp and abrupt. I approached the door silently, wondering if it was Kristina playing some coy game, or another underling looking for her signature or something. I hadn’t discovered a single coy bone in Nina’s toned body, so I assumed the latter and kept my clothes on. Trying to look like I was there for some official reason and not because I wanted in the Lieutenant’s pants, I opened the door.

A fist collided with my jaw; the impact nearly buckled my knees. I staggered backwards until I hit the dresser and clung there, stabilized myself against it. Blinked the black dots from my eyes and saw Geoffrey Rythadine step into the room.

[Breaker]

I recovered rapidly as Kristina’s brother closed the door behind him. He had the same auburn hair and dark brown eyes as his sister, but while hers radiated a pleasant warmth and stern posture alternately, his burned with the madness of hellfire. His hair was shorter than the boyish shag he wore the last time I had met him, and he had grown less meticulous with the shaving of his chin. His clothes rippled like a flag at full mast, hinting at the angular muscles beneath, muscles that had fuelled the heavy haymaker. He looked more like me, essentially, and I wondered if he realized that. Hatred burned in his eyes, but a smile quirked his lips, and the most frightening thing about it was that there was some real joy in it.

“Do you ever get tired of playing right into my hands, Cronen?” He asked rhetorically, malice dripping from his tone. He flexed seemingly bare hands as if to illustrate his point, hands that I knew wore invisible gloves his father had made him. I moved so that my back was to the window, facing him squarely in the small room.

“I mean, did you really think I couldn’t find my dear sister in this hell hole of a city? Did you imagine for a second that I couldn’t infiltrate the so-called Special Forces of Salvar?” His laugh was poison, but I ignored it. He was enjoying himself, and that was fine with me. I was one step ahead of him already. His mere presence in the building told me he had inside help, and my heart caught in my throat when I realized Arvide must have worked for him. He had Kristina, and he was trying to waste my time while his men whisked her away. My mind raced, and he just kept on talking. The little punk.

“I could have scooped her off the street weeks ago, Cronen, but I wanted both of you in the same net. To kill you, obviously. I’ve advanced my training; I’m at the Second Tier of the Mountain now.”

That damn expression again. What the hell did it mean? I wasn’t about to ask him. Frankly, I didn’t give a damn about Geoff, only about his sister, and finding her as fast as possible. But I had to get through him first. Like a well oiled machine my mind broke the situation down and found the swiftest exit strategy.

“Second tears eh? Does that mean you only cry twice a day? If you came here to kill me then try it, you weakling. I haven’t seen a good comedy in a long time.” My voice burst with sarcasm and scorn, as much as I could muster. Predictably, Geoff rushed me, and I knew how to handle him.

He hadn’t lied about his training; he dashed in with a methodical quickness that almost caught me by surprise. I was still better than him, though, and always would be if he couldn’t reign in that temper. I timed it just right, shifted my feet, latched a hand onto his collar and threw him out the window.

The glass shattered, a bloodcurdling scream of broken crystals that mingled with Geoff’s roar of rage. It was a useless attack and I knew it well, but it got him out of my way. I would deal with him whenever he next stepped in front of me, but Nina concerned me much more than Rythadine’s other child.

Geoff’s arms spread his fall slowed suddenly, as if a parachute had just opened above him. I ignored him, scanning the bustling street as passerby looked up in shock at the sudden sound. Kristina could have been in any of those carriages, bound and gagged or unconscious. Or, and I shuddered at the thought, held captive by a stronger telepath, unable to defend herself. But it was more likely Geoff’s underlings had already borne her across the city, out of my reach. I could have raced down the six flights of creaky stairs and torn the street apart, and I would have found nothing. My fist pounded the windowsill in frustration, but I didn’t wait to watch Geoff land gracefully on the ground. Instead I dashed out of the room, down the hallway, and up the stairs, my legs pistons that propelled me to the top floor. Before my search for Kristina began anew, there was something I had to do.

[Breaker]

General Tobukan’s office was on the top floor of the Special Force’s quarters. The walls separating a few rooms had been removed to make a vacuous space, and unlike the rest of the building a lush red carpet covered the floor. Any graffiti that might have existed there now hid behind coats of royal blue paint, and portraits of former rulers of Salvar decorated the walls. Stained glass windows cast colourful shadows across the room. When I burst through the door, the General was in a meeting with some lanky clerk who had an ink stain on his nose. I literally tossed the stuttering bookworm out, and took his seat. After explaining myself rapidly, I told General Tobukan everything I had learned in the past day, and everything I suspected. He reacted with growing concern; he clearly valued Kristina Rythadine as a soldier and instructor.

“I’ll bar all exits from the city,” he said when I had finished, tugging at his thick grey beard, “and send out an order for a full scale search. Lieutenant Rythadine is a valuable asset to our machinations, not to mention a good friend of mine.” I shook my head vehemently. The old man’s worry had him overcompensating in all the wrong ways.

“Search anyone leaving,” I suggested, “But leave the searching to me. You need your manpower to control the riots and raids. Besides, in this city a systematic search would do you no good with ten times the number of men you have. I’ll find her, if you can keep them from taking her away.” I kept my tone respectful, but strong. I made it clear to the General that even if he went ahead with his search, I would still search for Nina alone, and I would find her first. He was a wise man, unlike some figurehead Generals, and nodded sagely.

“You’re right, you’re right,” he mused, “With Rythadine gone and Arvide compromised, I need every soldier I’ve got. Bear in mind though, I need her back quickly. If you can’t produce her in seven days, I’ll have no choice but to call a full scale manhunt.” I accepted his terms readily. A week would be more time than I needed, for I did not intend to rest until I had Kristina by my side once more. As I stood up to leave the old man fumbled in a drawer of his desk, then tossed something that glittered in the coloured sunlight. I caught it in a wide palm, then examined the object.

It was high quality silver, ornately worked in a simple fashion that kept it sturdy. A small statue the size of my thumb, it resembled a glacier scaled down a thousand times. Painstaking detail had been taken in carving crags and spikes into the token, and when I turned it over I saw three golden letters inlayed on the unmelting ice wall.

SSF.

“That item,” Tobukan said, “Is not to be flashed around carelessly. It marks you as a special agent of the Salvarian Special Forces. Showing it could get your throat slit in some places, but in most it will compel our citizens to aid you.” His grim voice told me that the statue was indeed a powerful object, and I didn’t need the warning he added at the end. “If I hear tell that you have abused it, I’ll have your throat slit myself. And I promise you, my assassins are more proficient than the enemy’s.”

I nodded simply, then pocketed the statue and left the room. The stairs creaked dangerously as I jogged to street level and became one with the crowd.

Once more I faced the never-ending streets of Knife’s Edge, cold and alone. But I had tools this time, and not just the token of authority the General had lent me. I knew Kristina, I knew Geoff better than he thought, and I would find them both. My hand squeezed the silver glacier in my pocket as I slid between two horse drawn carts. Tobukan had granted me a week, and in that time, I would find the Enchanter’s Children.

Spoils Request: The aforementioned statue, with the aforementioned limitations. I promise not to abuse it, it's mostly just a device for the next part of this storyline. Hope you enjoyed the read.

[Skie and Avery]

Quest Judging
The Enchanter's Daughter

STORY

Continuity ~ 7/10. I would have liked had you elaborated more on the Geoffrey and Arvide situation, as well as the Master. For the most part you supplied enough for someone just coming into the story to grasp what's going on, but there's a difference between being vague enough to get your reader to go to that backstory and leaving them in the dark.
Setting ~ 10/10. You really hit the nail on the head here. Everything in this quest was brought to life beautifully.
Pacing ~ 7/10. I thought you were doing very well until post 13. You started to rush it, take the pace up and both the flow of your writing and the dialogue suffered because of it.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 7/10. Great, until the last.
Action ~ 8/10. You did well here, and I think you did grasp the difference between a proper cliffhanger and a dropped and broken storyline. Can't wait for the next one.
Persona ~ 7/10. What suffered here wasn't your main character, but that of your NPC. She's shown as a no-nonsense soldier who is quick to the guns. This is shown at the very first when Joshua was attacked when trying to give first aide to a wounded man. That sort of a personality just doesn't really make sense in showing a woman who opens up and gets chummy with someone on day one. Maybe if they'd been talking/adventuring for longer...

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 9/10. Some of the best stuff I've seen from you. I will say that the first post absolutely hooked me and blew me away.
Mechanics ~ 8/10. I only spotted a couple of mistakes here, where you ommited small words like "me".
Clarity ~ 9/10.
MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 7/10. I would gladly have given this a ten here, had the ending been as perfectly constructed as the beginning. My personal belief is that a strong finish is even more important than an amazing intro. It's the last thing your reader takes away, and if you can make them close the book/page/thread and go, "Holy fucking....wow," they'll be more likely to read your stuff again and again. Next time, don't rush and you will mostly likely have a JC.

TOTAL ~ 79/100.

016573 gains 4253 EXP and 421 GP as well as the requested spoil

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP added!

Movement is up to whoever has powers in this wasteland.

[Zook Murnig]

Rat_Bastard levels up!