The Siege of Eluriand

[Deus di Eclave]

Drizaghar traveled with the bodyguard Shin’dril had sent as a messenger. When the pair reached Elmirah’s camp, the dark elf necromancer took the lead and approached the lieutenant boldly. “Ready your Deathcasters,” he told her in a commanding tone. The woman’s eyebrow arched in amusement, but she kept her cool in responding.

“And why would I want to do that?” she quipped as Drizaghar came to a halt before her. Passing a small ledger to a guard to her left, the human folded her arms and stared intently at the drow.

“Lieutenant Shin’dril asks that you create a thick fog along the south wall,” he answered without pause. The bodyguard who had accompanied him stood behind him, arms folded as he ensured his master’s wishes were carried out. “Immediately,” the brute nodded and loped back to Shin’dril’s camp, leaving Drizaghar alone in Elmirah’s headquarters.

Turning away and sauntering over to a small desk, the necromancer traced a finger across several ornaments on its surface before speaking again. “Again, why would I want to do that? You seem to be heavy on the orders and light on the reasons, drow.” Shooting him a tempting sneer she motioned for a messenger. “Nevertheless, I am intrigued.” Then to the messenger she commanded, “Bring me Master Caruda.”

Sending the rest of her entourage out of the command tent, Elmirah stalked closer to the dark elf and began pacing circles around him. One lone finger snaked across his chin, coming to rest on his lips as she leaned beside him. With her lips mere inches from his ear, she whispered, “What’s your plan?”

~~

Remar Banniarnith paced along the top of the southern wall, his pike held tightly in his white-knuckled grip. While his compatriots battled untold hordes of undead on the eastern wall, Remar waited for word of an attack on his station. However, all through the early hours of the battle, he and his fellow guardsmen heard nothing. Scouts came every half an hour or so, reporting news from the city and from the other walls. But none ever carried orders for the station to mobilize. And so Remar Banniarnith paced the top of the southern wall and waited for his moment of glory.

“Son,” an older guard called to him. “Would you quit that? You’re driving me mad.” Motioning for Remar to stop pacing anxiously, the guard mumbled to himself, “It’s bad enough without your nervous energy.”

“Sor-sorry,” the elven guardsman stuttered. Readjusting his helmet as he stood between two crenellations, Remar turned his thoughts to the grounds below. What was happening down there, he wondered.

After a few minutes, Banniarnith realized that he could no longer see the ground. A dense fog had settled in next to the wall, obscuring vision from the top. “Uh…” he glanced around anxiously, looking for a commander to tell about the recent change. Even the slightest detail like this could prove huge in repelling the invading hordes.

Just then, a trumpet call startled Remar and he whirled about to see who was coming. Instants later, a harried scout ran up the stairs and nearly collapsed amongst the guards. “Orders,” he gasped and the elven men focused their attention. Finally they had orders!

“You are all to leave your position here and assist in the defense of the eastern wall,” the man said when he had enough breath. “Immediately.” Grumbling about the relocation, but pleased to finally see some action, the guardsmen rounded up their supplies and made their way down the stairs.

“But who will guard the southern wall?” Remar asked as he passed the scout.

With a look of trepidation clouding his eyes, the man replied, “These men will take over.” Gesturing to a line of elves carrying large sacks and shields, the scout mumbled, “May the Thaynes forgive us.” And before Remar could ask more, the man slipped down past the guards already on the stairs.

“Strange,” Remar muttered to himself, but he nodded to the replacement guards and followed his kinsmen obediently.

When the last of the defenders had passed, the lead replacement dropped his sack and turned to his fellows, “We have exactly five minutes before the commanders realized that we’ve moved their troops from this wall. The explosion must go off before then or the plan fails. May the Thaynes watch over you.” And tossing his sack against the base of the southern wall, he drew his flint.

“May the Thaynes watch over us all,” he whispered.

~~

“General Saba!” Finwë Telperiën called into the command tent where the temporary leader of the dark army resided. “We have a plan!” He strode confidently up to the headquarters and pushed the flap aside, peering into the darkness inside. “General Saba?”

His eyes adjusted to the low light quickly and he saw the form of the General sitting in his large command chair. “Ah, General… a word?” He let himself in the tent, allowing the flap to fall behind him. After one step into the tent, he saw a second form just behind the first. A Bladesinger.

With blackened sword held to Dhenu Saba’s throat, the elven assassin waited until the realization struck the dark elf’s face. “No!” he called out, but in vain. With a quick slash, the ninja’s sword carved a crimson trail across the neck of the dark army’s leader. The poisonous snake rattling its tail at Eluriand had just lost its head.

Finwë lunged for the chair, trying to catch the elf in his grasp to unleash a spell, but the assassin slipped away into the darkness. Cursing the miserable Raiaerans, the drow necromancer fumbled his way out of the tent and toward the spot where his fellow lieutenant waited.

“He agreed?” Alassë Sîrfalas asked.

“He was killed,” her dark elf companion responded. “Alert the Dark Lord and send for Haraldur. He assumes command. In the meantime, we begin our plan. The charges will be set in a matter of minutes; we have little time.” Grimacing at the news, Alassë nodded and set off to find a messenger. Reeling from their loss, Finwë clenched his jaw and stared defiantly at the elven bastion before him. “You will fall regardless,” he whispered. “Saba’s death can’t stop that…”

[Abomination]

The scorched grass covered the scene of the fallen Thendor, with four dead Bladesingers scattered mere meters from his body. Even in death, his grin was plastered on his face and his bloodshot eyes continued to thirst for blood. All over his body were cuts and holes, and his runes that glowed so brightly were now dull.

Over in the other camp, Lomixsazon struck through the Bladesinger in front of him with his spear, splattering the elven blood all over his face. The body dropped, and the remaining two Bladesingers had disappeared. They had retreated? Lomix looked around, bewildered, his muscles aching and his breath hoarse, and then noticed the dark elf running over to him.

"You're..." he said, trying to catch his breath. "One of those two. The..."

Finwë cut him off, "The General is dead. He was assassinated mere moments ago. What about Thend--"

"He's gone," Lomix interrupted. "I felt his spirit fade from this world, but I still feel like his rage is echoing across the plains..."

Due to Thendor's death, the entire push of the eastern wall had all but halted, with the remaining forces backing off. Lomix was ashamed of his failure, but more importantly he feared the retribution by the Dark Lord.

Finwë spoke up, "We still have a plan! We've dispersed messengers to our remaining three armies, and if they get there in time we can overtake the wall. We need you there as well."

"And the new general?" Lomix asked. "Haraldur, I assume?"

"Yes, now assemble your forces and go join the attack on the southern wall!"

The southern wall? Lomix was bewildered at why they were attacking the strongest wall, however he wasn't in any position to question orders. His pride was already shattered, and even then he failed to die to the assassins. The least he could do was kill as many elves as he could.

~~

2 minutes ago...

Homun's voice rang out among his forces, "Charge! Topple the wall or die trying!"

Homun's, or rather, Shin'dril's army was still the same as before; consisting of revived undead, wolf-men, and modified humans. However, new to his arsenal were various siege weaponry. The muscle-bound humans charged with Homun all the way in front, carrying an enormous steel wedge that Homun ran behind. The wolf-men tried scaling the wall, while the undead forces were banging at it with whatever weaponry they had. Charging through the fog, they were all running blind, betting it all on the promise of those dark elves.

Then, through the fog, there was a bright flash of light in one direction. From all across the fortress-city of Eluriand, the white flash was seen by all. For several hundred meters, the back of the southern wall was destroyed by explosives, causing cracks and weak spots in the front of the wall. With the defenders still distracted on the eastern wall and the paltry defenders driven away by espionage, Homun had a clear shot at the wall. He ran behind the enormous wedge, and when he saw the wall, he yelled at his bodyguards to jam the wedge in as hard as they could into the enormous new crack in the wall. As they did, Homun used one of Shin'dril's spells and pushed the wedge from behind using some sort of telekinetic force. As the tip of the wedge crashed into the wall, hundreds of cracks came from the spot being breached, creating weaknesses all along that section of the wall.

With the weakness of structure behind the wall, and this new entry point in the front, it was only a matter of time before the entire thing came down.

"Yes!" Homun yelled. "Bring it back here and let's do it again!"

Homun looked around as his bodyguards prepared another strike, trying to find Drizaghar.

"He should've been back by now..." he mumbled.

His forces continued doing damage to the wall virtually unmolested, but then the elven guardsmen returned and tried to put up a defense from atop the wall. Among them was Guardsman Remar, who had rushed back to the wall as fast as he could when he saw the light.

Clenching his fists as he stared over the wall, he lamented, "Damnable creatures! You'll get into this city over my dead body! Quick, get your spears! Stop those siege devices!"

Remar and the other returned elves started throwing spears down into the attacking forces, trying to subdue as many as they could before help came. Then, a part of the fog cleared and he saw Homun, who he immediately assumed was some sort of important man.

"Take this, fiend!" he yelled, throwing a spear down into the clearing. Several other men followed suit, all aiming at Homun.

Then, a shock coursed through his body, and he looked down to find a sword sticking out of his torso.

"Over your dead body, you say?" said the saboteur, pulling the sword out and letting Remar's body fall to the ground. He spit on the body and then noticed the fireballs piercing through the fog, flying right at him. He dodged out of the wall and disappeared.

* * *

Homun's fingers twirled with the invisible strings of his undead forces, all chopping away in unison at the weakened wall. It was like a chorus of souls to him, all dancing to his bidding. However, the clearing in the fog caught his eye and he looked up to see several spears flying his way. He could only widen his eyes as the spears skewered his body, sending him falling backwards. In his vision, he could see the top of the wall, clear as day. The telekinetic force of pushing the wedge must have cleared the fog around him. As he fell and his vision blurred into darkness, he saw the bright fireballs of Elmirah's deathcasters hitting the wall and the area atop the wall, sending chunks of rock falling down and burning alive the spear-throwing defenders. If Elmirah was here, so was Drizaghar! As Homun lost consciousness, fully putting his fate into his unlikely ally's hands, the voice in his head spoke again:

Soon our evolution will proceed to the next stage. We will both be part of something greater.

In his last moments, the voice agitated Homun, but with the loss of Shin'dril's memory, he was also losing the memory of that voice. Despite fighting hard to keep the memory of the voice in his head, he lost it as he fell unconscious.

((Can't post anymore, so I'll edit in whatever conclusion I can come up with.))

Homun's eyes opened suddenly. He raised his hands and noticed the edged fingernails. He was back in his old body, his old clothes! That had to be his longest assimilation yet. He was in some sort of tent, and he could see tall, wide shadows standing guard outside. They must've thought that Shin'dril was in here. Unfortunately, it seems that they were aware of Homun's awakening. As they strolled inside, unaware, Homun leaped up and slashed the first one's throat with a blade that came out of the palm of his hand, parallel to his outstretched fingers. As he fell backwards, Homun jumped over him and kicked down another one of those massive brutes. He felt faster, stronger, and the ogres seemed sluggish in comparison. The rest of them surrounded him, brandishing their clubs, axes, maces, and whatnot.

Homun was getting ready to take them all down when Drizaghar yelled, "Stand down! Homun is my special guest. He is to be treated with respect!"

The bodyguards, somewhat confused, put down their weapons, disregarding their fallen brethren. Soulless, heartless creatures they were, despite being formerly human.

Drizaghar continued, "Join the main plundering party, as your master has slipped away and is tending to other matters that do not require your protection."

The bodyguards obliged, and Homun looked at Drizaghar as if he was meeting him for the first time. The way they all listened to him with such loyalty was impressive. He must've truly managed to master controlling Shindril's forces in the time Homun was out. As for how long that was... it must've been at least half a day, as dawn was rising and the battles had long ceased. The Homunculus looked toward the southern wall, and found it was mostly gone. All that was left was a pile of rubble on two sides and a cleared path for the army to traipse across.

The city of Eluriand had been razed. Every building was being defiled, desecrated, and demolished. The only structure that seemed impervious to this mayhem seemed to be the middle one. Even Homun could feel the aura radiating from it, partially obscuring his vision as the air around the towering building warped and bended. It was like it was in another dimension. It didn't matter to Homun however, as he was done with this nonsense. His target, the lord of darkness or whoever, was not here, and it seems for now the undead armies were not going to attack him. Discarding Drizaghar as quickly as he had befriended him, Homun slipped off into the shadows. It was only inevitable before everyone here would be his enemy, 'special guest' or not. He needed to continue evolving, keep moving, and find his purpose in the world. Even if it is to destroy it.

((Note: I spoke to Sighter before all of this. He thinks it fits in with the canon. Plus, there was no formal timeline of events for the siege, so I created one. ))

[Ebivoulya]

Ladies and gentlemen, I shall be your esteemed judge of this fine thread. My notes and scores are as follows, and I hope you find them to be fair and insightful. Any questions on this judgment can be PMed to me.

Story: 19.5/30

Continuity: 6.75 /10


Deus di Enclave: Your introduction starts out at a strong pace but covers a lot of story efficiently. You often left things unsaid to pick up where Homun left off, but this somewhat lessened the continuity between your own posts. Touching on his past more helped give your character a bit more realism, and round him off as a person. There was hardly any ending at all in your last post, though, and I even expected you to post again.

Homonculus: You never really go much into your characters past, or the events which led him where he was. The fact that he is after ‘The Dark Lord’ is mentioned, but never the why of it. The short scenes portraying the other side of the battlefield helped give a deeper sense to the battle, though. The elven troops also seemed to react realistically to the situation. You tie those scenes together fairly well. The voice in your characters head after he sent his partner off to spy on the other drow was an interesting bit of foreshadowing that was never really explained.


Setting: 5.5/10


Deus di Enclave: You mention the setting mostly in passing, and more to relatively position the soldiers and other people than to give any real image of the world. In describing the tides of battle you can get fairly poetic, but there’s still very little ‘eye candy’ in your posts to give readers a clear mental image of the scene.

Homonculus: There’s very little physical description of the setting outside of the basics. You occasionally employ some good imagery in your description of the lieutenants, and other people, but still leave the setting around them almost blank, though you do acknowledge its existence.


Pacing: 7.25/10


Deus di Enclave: You pick your post up right after your partner leaves off, and this aids the pacing of the thread overall. Your posts also read relatively quickly, and though this is sometimes at the cost of some imagery or further depth of the story, you present necessary information concisely and don’t dwell on anything unimportant.

Homonculus: Your posts are generally longer than Deus’, though you do tend to give more information that helps round out the thread as a whole. Still, the pacing does slow with each of your posts. Some are more concise than others, but in most cases some different wording could’ve eliminated some of the excess.

Character: 20.75/30

Dialogue: 7.5/10


Deus di Enclave: Your character doesn’t speak much, but he’s to-the-point when he does. The exchange of words between your character and his brethren displayed both their nature, and his. You really bring out the tone of a conversation, rather than simply listing what was said, and I thought that was well done.

Homonculus: Your dialogue remains appropriate, and thoroughly contemplated in the narrative when ‘in disguise.’ He definitely lets his frustration slip out when he heard his target had left the battle field. Outside of what your character says, though, most of the dialogue in your other scenes is revealing, but somewhat plain.


Action: 6.5/10


Deus di Enclave: You portrayed the meeting of the Lieutenants well, and your characters thoughts and analysis thereof. You play the elves very well, and give a distinct personality to each even in passing. I enjoyed your imagery in describing the battle, and though it was sparse, I felt like the action was well done.

Homonculus: During the battle you employ some nice imagery, and do well to try to show the action from both sides. When describing individual confrontations, you tend to become somewhat utilitarian, and focus more on the direct actions than any kind of mood or emotion. That makes them easy to imagine, but almost a little dull compared to the overall battle.


Persona: 6.75/10


Deus di Enclave: You describe your character’s personality well enough in your narration, and your actions and thoughts are fairly well explained. His thoughts on the battle showed his loyalty to the side for which he fought. Further into the thread it seemed more that your character’s friendship was a matter of convenience for his own goals, though in his thoughts it seemed to be more repaying a debt.

Homonculus: You keep a constant awareness of the charade your shape shifting character is performing. I believe you do that fairly well, but that seems to be what you focus on most. Despite not knowing much about his past, you give him a fair bit of personality. However, you give much more to the other characters in the thread, including those across the battle lines. Instead of focusing on them, you should’ve brought the spotlight more to your own character. He almost took a back seat to his own story.

Writing Style: 22.5/30

Technique: 6.75/10


Deus di Enclave: Though it’s a small point, asking a direct question of the reader changes the tense to second person. You’ve got a good use of imagery, especially the ‘hillside lurching forward.’ You use ellipses sparingly, but to great effect, and you also use repetition sparingly but effectively. Try to use stronger verbs, though. I’ve seen a lot of ‘making’ and ‘seeming to.’ This is where ‘show, not tell’ comes into effect. Other than that you have a solid and concise style.

Homonculus: You occasionally repeat a descriptive word in close succession to a negative effect. You also overuse ‘elsewhere’ to transition from scenes, and hardly denote the start of those ‘scenes of the enemy.’ Later into the battle your transitions become less noticeable, but in your last post you finally started denoting your scene changes. You often switch tenses accidentally, ending a verb in an ‘s’ rather than the ‘ed’ of past tense. Your style is fairly long-winded, and heavy on the dialogue, and you could remove some of the excess narration and fit in some more descriptive elements without sacrificing the pacing. Your closing thoughts really wrapped the thread up and brought it back around full circle, though. Well done, but you’ve still got some polishing to do.


Mechanics: 8.25/10


Deus di Enclave: Along with almost immaculate spelling, you employ good grammar without making it overly thick. There may have been a few errors in your posts throughout the whole thread, but for the most part they were pretty flawless. Well done.

Homonculus: There are occasional errors in your post, more so than in your partner’s post, but they only averaged maybe four to five per post. None of them were so bad I couldn’t figure out what you meant, so there wasn’t a big hit on clarity, but a little proofreading is all that keeps you from a perfect score in this category.


Clarity: 7.5/10


Deus di Enclave: You denote the transitions between different scenes well, and I hardly had to re-read anything in your posts. There were very few errors, and your wording was consistently legible and concise. I have no complaints here.

Homonculus: For the most part your posts are legible. The occasional typos in your posts, or strange wording, make them harder to understand at times. When Remar was killed it almost seemed like your character had been stabbed, due to the wording. Small things like that cause a fair bit of re-reading, but I can always work out what you meant.


Wildcard: 3.25

For the most part this was a fairly basic thread with a fairly basic premise. There were a few good parts, but it wasn’t exceptional. I enjoyed seeing the battle from both sides, though, and the story of the thread was somewhat original while fitting in with canon.


Total: 66/100


Deus di Enclave recieves...

2,000 EXP!

and

500 GP!


Homunculus recieves...

2,500 EXP!

and

500 GP!


Your rewards have been doubled for completing this thread before the FQ Chapter deadline.

[Taskmienster]

EXP and GP added!

Homonculus is now level 3!