The Relentless Roar - Kohaku vs Jessie

[The Forgotten]

Smooth material, almost like silk, met the Warrior's hand when she erupted from the last fragments of the spark shower. Her eyes snapped open and she pulled, unsettling his guard and revealing a beautifully exposed armpit. It was almost too simple to slide the dagger-like blade through his tender flesh and sever the vital artery. She dared not raise her lips to smirk, though, and for good reason. She had accused him of being overconfident, even if it was only a mental accusation, and she was dangerously close to the very same thing she scorned.

The magical blade slipped out of its fleshy sheath and dissipated into Aether once more when Kohaku stumbled away. It looked like the end of the fight. The arrogant challenger would be dead within the minute. The half-elf tried putting pressure on his wound; didn't he realize that it was unavoidable? Unless... no! That wasn't supposed to happen! The hierarch had been exposed to only a small selection of magic in her time both in the Pagoda and wandering the island of Scara Brae, but the calming warmth she saw radiating from the hand he had pressed against his wound was clearly one of the worst types around.

To make matters worse, he taunted her, mocking the fact that she had only her magical blade. He sheathed his apparent off-hand sword after speaking words that showed how little he knew about fighting in general. The fight was not very far from over; he was holding to life by a thread and she was ready to touch it to the edge of a knife.

Kohaku's stamina was the only thing that impressed Jessica throughout the entire battle so far; his stamina and absolute tenacity to be more precise. The two fighters were almost polar opposites in how they fought: the armored man dashing around and throwing caution to the wind versus the frail woman who strove to make every motion count. Yet even his impressive stamina had to come to an end sometime, and when it did, she would not relent.

Taking a half-step back, the warrior prepared her empty hands for something that would certainly count among the ten stupidest thing ever done in her life if even one thing went wrong. Her center of gravity dropped as she bent her knees; the man who wished to end her was running again. Right foot back, left foot forward. Kohaku was closer now and his blade was held closer to his side than it had ever been before. Right hand held palm-forward, left hand resting by her ribs. The man thrust his blade at her hips, she took one step forward. Even as her right hand made a half-circle down and across her body, the amorphous Aether congealed into a familiar blade one last time anchored to her wrist and extending to her elbow.

The two blades struck, sending a torrent of slag flying into the minuscule space between the two fighters' bodies. Just above Jessica's hip, hot steel scorched her flesh and singed parts of her body that no man or woman had ever touched before. The strange sensation wasn't enough to halt her actions, unfortunately enough for the swordsman. Fingers locked straight flew toward an exposed neck, seeking the fragile cartilage of his trachea. If she couldn't bleed him out, he'd suffocate instead.

[Kohaku Ryuu]

Will the surprises never end? Both ways, that is. The bright red flakes of burning metal that were bouncing off his armor and singing his hair were exactly what he was waiting for. It was perfect. In the blinding light of the fire around them, it was perfect for a quick finishing move.

He also knew that she would try again with that weird dagger attack to a vital area. That much he knew as he quickly dropped down, feeling her hand brush the tips of his hair as he quickly spun around, sending a fast spin kick to her legs, trying to knock her over as he pulled out his other sword.

Kohaku quickly made his move, crossing his two blades as he went after her, trying to pin her to the ground as he tried to put a well placed knee into her gut. And to restrain her, Kohaku attempted to take his crossed blades and place them over her neck, holding her at checkmate. He really didn’t want to kill her, and he couldn’t exactly figure out why.

But, as soon as the sparks cleared, it suddenly hit him: She was a very pretty woman…even if she was kind of half man….

For a brief moment, Kohaku was taken aback at his slow realization, but quickly regained his composure as he realized that his blades were at her neck. The movements were so quick that it would be hard to escape his attack. But, he also quickly realized that that quick movement had started to reopen his wound. It was starting too bleed again, but not as bad as the last time. He was starting to get a bit light headed and starting to get a bit weak with the blood loss, but he could probably pull off another 20 seconds of blood loss and fighting if he was careful not to open the wound more. Between the blood loss and his realization, Kohaku didn’t have the strength to issue a warning verbally, so he let his eyes do the talking with a piercing look that she might be able to see as a warning if he had any strength left.

[The Forgotten]

Perhaps she had become predictable. Maybe he had just anticipated her to block his strike. Most likely cause for the reason Jessica was lying on the ground with a pair of swords crossed over her neck? He got lucky. Real lucky. A veritable river of sparks erupted from the lightest contact between the Aether blade and the hot metal sword. It shouldn't have obscured her sight being so close, but the coward's sword made up for all the times it had been ineffective by creating the next thing to a solid wall of fire between them.

As soon as he was obscured, Kohaku must have ducked because Jessica's hand felt nothing but hair where there should have been throat. She tried to grasp his thick hair, but he had moved yet again and her hand found nothing but air. If she could have throttled the air right there, everything would probably have been better than feeling his leg sweep into her forward leg. Most of her weight had been on that leg after being impaled by the blade which meant she was going down hard.

It shouldn't have surprised her when her opponent managed to act as though the sparks weren't even there despite the fact that she was all but blinded because of them. A solid knee found her stomach on the way down and two blades crossed over her neck moments after she hit the ground. It should have been impossible, but somehow the challenger had done it.

He was weak, he was tired, and he was still bleeding. Jessica could see that he was fading. It would be so easy to simply wait him out, defiantly staring into his glossing emerald eyes. Or to reach around with the blade one last time and slide it into his heart; he'd never see it coming looking at her the way he was. Looking at her. A rather unnerving sensation welled up in the Hierarch's mind as she recognized many of the thoughts that were running through his mind. She recognized many of those same thoughts; she had had them before as Jessie looking at an attractive woman.

Did this mean - what did it mean? The hierarch closed her eyes and turned her head to the side hoping to hide the blush creeping onto her face. It was wrong; she was supposed to be a man! But she was also a woman, and despite only changing in a physical sense between jessie and Jessica, perhaps her mind was slowly changing as well.

“I concede this match. You win.”

It would be so easy to just wait him out, but that wouldn't be right. It would be so simple to slide a dagger through his ribs and into his heart, but was it really worth losing her head? So often these matches came down to a suicidal last-surge that killed both fighters... this time there was no need for theatrics. He had won the battle, but this victory meant nothing in the minds of those who judged the Warrior's worth to keep her position in the Pagoda. He had won the battle, but he would lose the war. Jessica smiled.

[Kohaku Ryuu]

Kohaku let out a sigh of relief as he let his swords fall to the ground beside her head, sparking of course, and closed his eyes as he fell to the ground next to her. "Good match, good match. At least you are an honorable fighter..." he mumbled as he started to loose himself to his injuries. "little help here?" he got out before his eyes blacked out. It was all he could do from slipping into darkness completely. He was happy that he didn't die.

And there was some relief to it also. He had won. Through all the odds, he actually pulled it off. He was weaker then she was in his techniques, the only reason he really won was because he had enchanted swords, which he used to cover his weakness in sword combat. So he laid there, hoping that she would help him, hoping that his life wouldn't fade away. And, that's all he could do. He was drained in every sence of the word, drained of willpower, drained of energy, and drained of blood.

[The Forgotten]

Lying down like this wasn't all that bad. The stab wound wasn't bleeding terribly right now, but the adrenaline from the fight was already wearing pretty thin. All the punishment she had put her body through was catching up, one plodding heartbeat at a time. She couldn't have continued the fight if she wanted to. Her palms were starting to ache from gripping her staff so tightly, her back hurt from being taken down, and the sword stab was changing into a thousand knives with each heartbeat.

Kohaku tried to speak a few last words before passing out; he wanted to congratulate her on his victory. When the words left his mouth, Jessica felt a renewed urge to finish a dirty fight with one last assault, but she refrained. His arrogance would never go away unless someone managed to beat him severely into the ground. As much as she wanted to be the one to do that, it would be someone else's honor. He would learn his lesson eventually.

The man fell to the ground, rolling beside her and staring up at the expanse of sky that never quite seemed to match the mood of a fight. The pink-haired warrior also gazed up at the heavens, hoping to see for a moment that invisible stadium that she knew existed somewhere out there. Had the audience seen a good show? It had certainly been flashy thanks to Kohaku's swords; they'd probably like it being the simpletons they were. Her eyes slipped closed as the last bits of exhaustion took hold of her body; she wasn't going anywhere for a while now.

The whisper of sandals slapping against stone wanted to pry her ruby orbs open, but it was another losing battle. Warm waves of the monks' strange magic encompassed her completely, lifting her up and setting her down almost immediately on a pleasantly warm and wondrously soft bed.

“Don't worry, Warrior Jessica,” came a soft woman's voice. Few were the women of the Ai'Bron. “you are in good hands.”

The beaten hierarch lightly smiled at the reassuring words and finally slipped into restful oblivion. A grey mist obscured her mind as she dreamt of the one thing she knew had to be true. Three figures, clad in shadows to obscure their every feature, gazed down with tears in their eyes. They had to be tears because they fell, still covered in shadows, and splashed on the skin of whoever was gazing up at them. Was it Jessie's chest the salty drops fell onto? It was certainly a male's body, but the name didn't quite fit. Not Jessie then? The dream played out eternally somewhere in the depths of Jessica's mind.

“Her body is becoming harder to heal.” One of the monks said in hushed tones to two others gathered in the infirmary door. “At least she didn't get herself killed this time.”

“We knew this could happen, right?” Another asked. It was the woman who had recovered the warrior's body this time.

“It is a risk with all off-worlders. Her biological makeup seems to suggest that she is human, but there are so many types of humans passing through these gates every day that that means little.” The third replied, obviously more academic than the first two.

“What about her male side?” The woman asked again.

“It seems to be losing its dominance... like he subconsciously wants to be a real woman and his body is slowly responding to that latent wish. For his next fight, try talking to him and suggesting he stay as Jessie throughout it. He isn't rejecting our magic; only Jessica is.”

“Of course.” The other man stated before turning to walk away. Not many ranking warriors gave the monks this much trouble, but perhaps this fighter was what they needed to break free of complaisancy and begin the studies of magic and the mortal body once more. At the rate she was going, soon none of their magic would be able to bring her back from the dead.

[Breaker]

The Relentless Roar
Battle Judgement

Apologies for the tardiness; I've had my time occupied almost entirely out of the house. Feel free to contact me on AIM if you want further detail or need a clarification on something.

Forgotten's scores are in blue, Kohaku's are in red.

STORY

Continuity ~ 4 ~ 1

Forgotten: Your main weakness here, I believe, is the lack of an omnipresent, overarching storyline. You provided a vague background at the beginning, and dropped a few vague hints throughout, but details are the things that bring a story to life. I didn't really understand why Jess was a warrior in the first place, or why he had challenged Travis. Also, the whole fish-like sexchange thing confused me until you explained it a little in the end.

Kohaku: I have almost no notes for you in Continuity, and that's because your side of the story didn't really have any. Remember to tell why the story is taking place - why is Kohaku fighting in the Pagoda? What series of events transpired to lead him there? What is he hoping to accomplish? Keep in mind that even if this battle is only a slice of Kohaku's life, he should still have a past and a future.

Setting ~ 4.5 ~ 3

Forgotten: You provided a satisfactory initial description of the arena, but I was never really impressed with what I saw. You also seemed to forget about the setting after the first few posts. Remember, the way your character interacts with the setting helps the reader to identify with it. There was a lot of sparks and fire, but they never seemed to faze Jessica in the slightest. Also, you need to consider the realism of your statements. In post #7 you mentioned the "serene silence" of the arena. Silence? At the very least, we should have heard the combattants panting in exertion, and their feet scraping across the ground. Try closing your eyes and imagining yourself in Jess' situation; think about all five senses, and you might find something more interesting here.

Kohaku: Most of the above comments also apply to you. I saw almost no effort to innvolve the setting in your story. We need to know what's going on around your character, and how his surroundings effect him. You did some neat things with sparks, and I liked it when you tossed Jess' staff off the cliff, but even these things weren't described well, or in an interesting way. You should make an effort to use the setting to draw the reader in.

Pacing ~ 3 ~ 4

Forgotten: For the most part, I found your writing long winded and wordy, often dry and unexciting. Your job as a writer is to make the reader want to keep reading. However, you seem more concerned with an endless diatribe denouncing your opponent. In the process of pointing out Kohaku's every weakness ICly, you forgot to deliver a compelling storyline. Outlandish events such as the sex change early on should have been interesting, but they simply failed to captivate me. Please make an effort in the future not to destroy the reader's suspended disbelief (most prominently, see post #13).

Kohaku: While your lack of a storyline (see continuity) made the plot less exciting to follow, you at least made an effort to keep the battle raging. Remember though, non-stop action isn't as interesting as well written action interspersed with a thrilling storyline and compelling character development. You used a rather boring, conversational internal and external dialogue for most of the thread. This combined with unclear descriptions and excessive wordiness (see technique) bogged down your flow quite a bit.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 4 ~ 2

Forgotten: I found the dialogue in your first few posts awkward and confusing. It didn't help me understand Jess as a person at all, instead serving only to make a blatant plot points. In fact (and this applies to both of you), I preferred the posts that had very little or no dialogue in them. Try only using dialogue that reveals something original about your character, and you might find yourself writing realistic conversation instead of cheap one-liners about how common half elves are.

Kohaku: Again, please read Forgotten's comments. You used an excessive amount of dialogue that was far too repetitive and conversational to be effective. Remember, what Kohaku says should illustrate his character. In post #4 you used the word "interesting" four times in as many sentences. You also really, really need to think about the context of the dialogue. In post #10 Kohaku had just been through what sounded like an exhausting battle - he should have been gasping from the pain, blood loss, use of magic and overall exertion, not rattling off a monologue about how much fun he's having.

Action ~ 2 ~ 0

I'm not separating the comments here because I'd just end up repeating myself a lot. I saw a significant amount of Powergaming from both of you, and some bunnying from Kohaku. Jess, quite frankly, seemed faster and stronger than plausible, not to mention the use of nonexistant hand to hand combat skills. Knowing the location of every major artery and the use of open handed strikes to the throat generally requires advanced combat training. Seeing these things done once by a stranger does not translate into using them in a real life situation, especially if you're a mere above-average bofighter. I felt that you both portrayed the overall battle and your characters' injuries unrealistically, and Kohaku used his 'pyro play' ability to a greater degree than his profile deems possible.

I felt it was important to touch on these things, but what really brought both of your action scores down was the lack of a any character related action. Don't either of your characters have any latent habits? Action is not just about combat, it is about the things your character does that defines them as an individual.

As a final note, the "choose your own adventure" style that you both ended posts with on occasion is really annoying, particularly from Kohaku. When more than half of your post (see post #8) is a description of things that might happen, you should reconsider the direction your creative energies are flowing.

Persona ~ 3 ~ 1

Forgotten: I couldn't really grasp a sense of Jess' persona until the very last post. Jessie came off as a somewhat boring emo kid, while Jessica's motivation was a mystery to me. It seems like the only noteworthy issue in this persons' life is the ambiguos sexuality, and the Pagoda hardly seems like the best place to resolve that problem. At any rate, if you're going to base your character's persona off of their ability to switch sexes, you should include explanation and elaboration throughout, not just at the end.

Kohaku: The only time I got any persona from you was when you said something like "he was paranoid" or "he was happy." Kohaku needs an omnipresent past, real opinions, and internal dialogue that isn't based around overused cliches such as "ace in the hole". I think you need to do some serious reading to get a feel for how to write persona; check the JC forum for inspiration.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 4 ~ 1

Forgotten: I spotted the occasional literary device, but I had to search pretty hard for them. The only metaphor that seemed to really work was the one about rose petals and thorns. Personifying the smoke as "excited" didn't do much for me, and the black velvet metaphor in post #3 was a neat idea but awkwardly worded. Focus on using direct language at all times, especially when using devices, and your writing will become less wordy and more effective.

Kohaku: I didn't notice any effort at literary devices from you, and you need to avoid using such ineffective language. Words like "completely" and "starting" pop up far too often in your extremely short posts. Also, as I mentioned before, try to use original ideas instead of cliches.

Mechanics ~ 7.5 ~ 6
Clarity ~ 6 ~ 6

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 4 ~ 3

TOTAL ~ 41.5 ~ 27

The Forgotten is the winner!

EXP and GP Rewards (doubled for Pagoda Month)

The Forgotten receives 950 EXP and 400 GP
Kohaku Ryuu receives 200 EXP and 100 GP

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!

The Forgotten reaches level 1!