Echoes of the Past: Sorahn vs. Koran

[Sorahn]

Sorahn yelled with frustration as Koran rolled gracefully away from his jet of fire. The fleeting hope that he could finally end this battle slipped from his grasp. “Argh!” He grunted through gritted teeth as a wave of pain surged through him. He looked down at his makeshift bandage, which was now soaked almost completely through with his warm blood. He could feel his strength slowly leaving him. His began breathing faster as he clenched his teeth harder, trying to block out the pain. His hands had begun shaking and he was starting to feel cold.

No! I can not be beaten so easily! All I must do is finish this battle quickly and the monks can take care of this scratch. He thought, grunting as he fought a fresh wave of pain. Anger had begun to show on his face. Nyris is not wounded. That gives me the advantage.

Almost as soon as he thought this the dragon wavered slightly. Sorahn hadn’t noticed that his flight had already become erratic. He could feel the great dragon straining to maintain his path. Nyris? What is wrong?

You are badly injured, thus am I. The dragon responded cryptically, as always. Your pain is a heavy burden I must carry.

Sorahn only partially understood the dragon’s words, but now was not the time to ponder such things. Koran had gotten desperate. Sorahn could see it in his eyes as he turned to face him. And they both knew what desperate men were capable of. Sorahn clutched his abdomen as a wall of fiery pain washed over him, causing him to grimace. I am growing quite desperate myself.

His eyes met Koran’s for an instant. Both of them had the insane, enraged look reserved only for the dying. Just in that one look, they understood each other completely. Neither of them would let the other win. Sorahn’s shakes grew more violent as his muscles grew tense with anger. He was pushing his body to the limit as adrenaline flowed through his veins, giving him one last push of strength, and managing to block out the great pain just long enough.

The great beast gave a powerful roar that shook Sorahn through his back. Sorahn yelled as well as his black spear appeared in his hand again. He was consumed with a desire to win. By now he knew he would die. This was his final stand. He was determined to make his death count.

The dragon felt this intense drive as well and roared again, surging forward with a new strength. He had the same hunger as Sorahn, and was ready to give his dying breath to this battle. He opened his powerful jaws and beat his wings with ferocity.

Suddenly Sorahn saw the glowing orange blade as Koran raised it to strike. It pulsed with an immense stored energy and Sorahn’s eyes grew wide as he realized what was about to happen.

“NO!” He screamed, and leapt up out of the saddle. He quickly pushed off with his right foot and hurled himself forward, toward Koran. He flew what felt like a mile up the dragon’s neck to his head. He roared one final time as he brought the spear down on his friend and opponent with all the strength he had left. Time moved slowly as they met, the passion of a warrior filling them both. He put his soul behind that blade, and it sailed toward its target like a meteor.

I will not die a coward.

The pulsing orange blade met Nyris’s hard scales with incredible force, sending cracks along its length. The very air shook as it exploded with violent impact, sending a shockwave in all directions. A huge ball of fire burst forth in the air, lighting up the sky with a bright orange glow. The ground below rumbled as trees were blown sideways with the force.

Then everything fell silent.

[Ashiakin]

Koran

Continuity - 6
Setting - 7
Pacing - 6

You did a good job of establishing a basis for the story in the beginning, but it seemed to get lost in the noise of the battle as it progressed. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It just made the battle feel strangely weighted, with its character/history-centric opening and pure-combat heavy battle. Your use of the setting, though, was interesting and effective.

Dialogue - 5
Action - 7
Persona - 6

In this area, your dialogue tended to be too grandiose to sound believable. It sounded like a prepared speech someone might give, not off-the-cuff remarks to quickly changing situations. People general don't have the time to speak eloquently without preparation. Other than that, this was a lengthy battle but you included enough turns to keep it interesting.

Mechanics - 6
Technique - 5
Clarity - 6

You maintained a very good post length for most of this battle--they were just the right length to maintain a sense of urgency and flesh out your posts enough to make them individually compelling. You tend to write long posts in your quests, but the short ones really do you well here.

Wild Card - 6

Total - 60

Sorahn

Continuity - 6
Setting - 7
Pacing - 6

See what I mentioned to Koran about the story feeling unbalanced between the opening and the rest of it, as it applies to you as well. I thought you opening was particularly well-done--you used your setting to situate your character in a cultural context and led into your relationship with your opponent. And you did it using dialogue without sounding goofy! That was well done. Still, my complaint about the balance still applies.

Dialogue - 7
Action - 8
Persona - 7

When your dragons speaks/thinks to you, I would drop the bold dialogue and just do it as you would read it normally in a book. Bolding your dragon's words seem to make them more important than your own character's words, which obviously isn't the case. There's no need to change the text for a distinction like that. Other than that, character was your strongest area.

Mechanics - 7
Technique - 6
Clarity - 7

You did pretty well in this area. Sometimes you make minor errors with how you structure your dialogue, though--capitalizing words that should not be capitalized (use "No!" he screamed instead of your "No!" He screamed...) and not breaking from a paragraph after spoken words or thoughts that would have provided a clear and acceptable end to it and a transition to another. Those were my only major complaints on this front, though.

Wild Card - 6

Total - 67

Sorahn wins.

I'm going to give you both a little more EXP since this had 21 posts.

Koran gains 800 EXP.
Sorahn gains 2600 EXP and 200 GP.

(From what I can tell from looking at past threads, the challenger does not seem to lose the 100 GP they pay if they do not win the battle. If this is not correct and Koran is supposed to lose 100 GP, please let me know.)

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!