Breaker vs Behemoth: Davy Jones' Locker

[Taskmienster]

JUDGING!
Breaker vs Behemoth: Davy Jones’ Locker

Characters Involved:

~016573~ (first number in the scores)

~Behemoth~ (second number in the scores)


STORY 20 - 18

~ Continuity ~ 6 - 7

~Numbers~ The beginning I was a little offset, somewhat taken back by the fact that I knew nothing about why you were there or what the Pagoda meant to your character. Though, in your second post, you gave more background as to the fighting in the establishment, but still no reason why you should be there.

~Behemoth~ You started right off with why you were there, what you had done, and where you had come from. Your reasoning for being in the Pagoda is one of the common ‘just wants to fight’ but it has a base set against your own background and who the character is. I liked that you incorporated this background into the setting, pitting your time as a Fallien gigas with his fear/discomfort with water.

~ Setting ~ 7 - 5

~Numbers was the only one to truly use the setting, and since he set the pace for it high it was hard for Behemoth to recover and use it himself. I know that the gigas isn’t a swimmer, but staying on the boat, meaning staying low and having the center of gravity on the base of the little thing, would have made the fight last longer and been a better use of the setting. Behemoth could have put more into a punch or elbow without the friction and weight of the water against his arms, and a prolonged stay on the boat would have allowed him to at least fight back a little. Try and get a feel for what would make you survive, as well as adding your character’s intentions into the use of the setting.

~ Pacing ~ 7 - 6

~The only comment I have about the pacing is to remember that when you write a battle you are trying to build the suspense not just through action, but through the way you form the sentences as well. Behemoth, you seemed to cling to longer, 2 or more clause sentences during the fight which slowed down the suspense. Whereas Numbers you tended to put too much emphasis on writing technically deep sentences, sometimes putting two different metaphors/similes into a single sentence that made me re-read and detracted from the pace. But for the most part, you both did rather well.



CHARACTER 19 -16

~ Dialogue ~ 6 - 5

~Due to the nature of the thread, that being a battle, I did not expect brilliant or excessive dialogue. Both of you expressed your characters well through inner thoughts instead, but it was lacking. I doubt that thoughts wouldn’t have been racing through Behemoth’s mind about the water, and the fight in the water. Little things like that could add to the thread a lot.

~ Action~ 7 - 6

~The action started right off, Numbers you did a good job of using tactics like attacking the boat in order to alleviate what could have been a long, tedious punching match on the shore. However, changing from one hold to another in the water is difficult, so don’t forget to mention things like that. You set a fast paced, action filled thread to begin with and never let it slow till the very end. Behemoth, your struggling against the aggressor was well done, but could have been better. What I noted most was that you tend to concentrate on the escape, and action is not always about fighting back… You could have made it a little better, a little more deep with more movement and attempts, but it was alright.

~ Persona ~ 6 - 5

~Both of you displayed your personality… ok. I think that I got more from Behemoth than Numbers, but even still Behemoth you could have thrown in more personality by your reactions to the water, possibly the inability to swim, anything that displays more of who you are compared to where you are. Numbers, I didn’t really get much more about Joshua than he was bored with fighting challengers, and at the end that he wanted to fight Bloodrose. He is a smart tactician, but that was all I got. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that you seemed to hold back on the back story and in turn did not give me, the reader, nothing to expect from you… and in turn gave exactly what was expected.



WRITING STYLE 22 - 21

~ Technique ~ 7 - 5

~Numbers~ Some of the references you make didn’t make sense to me: save for a name I needed a calculator to pronounce. The calculator reference was confusing, I’m not sure what you meant by it. [1]. I held my breath as comfortably as an amphibian in midwinter. Not sure what an amphibian would need to hold their breath for in midwinter either. [5].

~Behemoth~ Try adding more technique into your posts so that it is rich and more interesting to read. A little bit here and there always helps, but be careful not to take it overboard and throw way too much in.

~ Mechanics ~ 8 - 8

~I think I only saw a couple mistakes in the thread in general. So good job.

~ Clarity ~ 7 - 8

~Fights are difficult sometimes, being able to attack and defend without becoming muddled, but both of you did a very good job. The only thing that threw me off once or twice was Number’s technique, which at times was too much or didn’t make sense. But Behemoth’s simplistic style was a little easier to read; more concise… which is the problem with using technique. You have to be careful, sometimes it’s good and easy to read, and sometimes lacking it makes the posts clearer.


WILD CARD!!! 7 - 7

TOTAL

68 - 62

~016753 Is the Victor!

GAINS/REWARDS!

~016753 gains 6210 experience and 250 gold

~Behemoth gains 1500 experience and 150 gold

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!

016573 reaches level 9!