Presence of Mind (Mathias vs. Ataraxis)

[Mathias]

Mathias smirked, lightly, at her regurgitation of his assertion. "Yeah... it's odd to think about... I know." With that, his legs gave out and he returned to the floor, crumpled and breathing heavily as the poison coursed through his body. For a moment, the events of the past two minutes or so flooded his mind, and he realized that, for being a gladiator, he was a horrible showman. The initial anger and seething hatred, the fear and the adrenaline... all of those things had subsided and left only emptiness that was filled with sardonic amusement and a growing impatience for the fight to end, for the arena to return to normal, for the monks to come and heal him, and for his life to become one step closer to being useful.

"H..hey," he said, hoping that he'd have something to say afterwards - something important and meaningful. That list, limped-along and painfully strung sentence that would give meaning to the otherwise short, abrupt, and lackluster battle. But nothing came from him - only to him. He wasn't quite taken aback by her admission, as he was certainly in a position to accept it with ease. Instead of feeling shock, he felt kinship. Or sympathy, empathy... something of that nature. Something that bound the two together. It wasn't a strong tie, or even mildly so. It was loose, but it was undeniable to him that it was there.

Her magic threads flowed forth, and he tried to say something... he wanted to say something... like, "Sorry you didn't get what you were looking for." But instead, he only thought it, and that thought died as his last breath left his body and his eyes glazed over as the emotions left them.

~

But death is just another aspect of the show. Another part of the diversion and display, one more small, but important facet to the great facade that passes for entertainment. And death doesn't really last all that long.

As Lillian shrieked her revelation, she cut the monk attending to her. (Which was bound to happen, given the traumatic nature of most battles. Mortals couldn't be blamed for the fits of grief and rage that took hold of them as they returned to reality) She stormed from the room, and they tended to Mathias. He awoke much more quickly than expected, thanks to Lillian's own magic, and he looked around his barren chamber, out of breath and unable to explain why. He launched to his feet, stumbling as he did so. He hobbled out of the room, listening to the echoing footsteps from down the hall and around the corner.

Damnit... he said, bracing himself for what he knew was going to be painful. He ripped himself away from reality and planeswalked into an ethereal and hollow realm, where he could run as fast as he could without the Pagoda's walls impeding him. He jaunted to the building's entrance, unrestricted and even bolstered by the plane's vast void. As he reached his destination, he returned to the Firmament and the walls, the people, the registration desk with the fat woman, and the city of Scara Brae... all of those sprung up around him as he turned around to face Lillian, running at him without realizing it.

He held out his hand and looked at her, his gaze steady (though his hand wasn't), and did his best to smile. "Hey... you and I. We've got a lot to talk about," he said.

[Ataraxis]

Lillian could see nothing as she ran, could hear nothing but the patter of her bare feet on the cobblestones. She was oblivious to the crowd’s chattering, to the looks of concern and the reprimands from those she jostled out of her path; she was too far away to care about what others thought, what others saw. Everything was collapsing: her resolve in life, her plans to survive the dark days ahead – and most of all, her heart. What did it matter if she triumphed over those that sought her harm, if it meant sacrificing the only thing that made her human? In killing Mathias, she felt she had killed a part of herself: a part that would never heal, no matter how potent the magics of these wretched monks may be. Irony had always sought her out, always driven her into each and every corner in sight, and today was no different.

She had come to escape murder, only to become a murderer herself. She had come here to live, and now all she wanted was to die.

When each breath became scorching pain, when each gasp and sob threatened to suffocate her, Lillian almost slowed to a stop. Her legs were numb as she staggered forward, feeling the burn in her feet and injured shoulder, sensing the trickles of blood welling where the skin had broken in her maddened run. She doubled over, cupping her hands over her chest, pressing hard as she felt her heart and lungs about to give in. But there was no way she would stop. She would run, so that she would not have to think anymore. She would run, so that she could forget.

Feeling a desperate second wind, she dashed forward again, yet she was stopped in her tracks by the outstretched hand of a revenant. Blinking her disbelief, she looked on to that tall figure, to that shock of blond wheat and those eyes of moody blue, speechless. When Mathias spoke, he threw her into a confusion deeper than any she had ever experienced: he had said none of the harsh words, none of the insults and curses she had expected. Instead, his timid kindness and that clumsy corner smile were slowly loosening the knots in her stomach, but she still felt uncomfortable in his presence, almost afraid that his boyish grin would melt away into a loathsome scowl.

Shyly, she tiptoed closer, hands nervously crumpling her dress as her eyes were riveted onto the stone-cold streets. She stopped an arm’s width away, not even daring to look up. “Yes, it… would seem like we do.” She was still breathing heavily between the occasional sniffles, but the teenager was somewhat calmer now, and it no longer felt as if someone was wringing her heart like a wet rag. There was much to say indeed, and not only about her apocryphal lineage or the people who were hunting her. Namely, to say how sorry she was, for everything. How she wanted, how she needed to make things right by him. How she wanted to thank him.

But Lillian well knew that volumes could be better spoken through acts rather than words, and so she simply stood on her toes and stretched to kiss the young man – on the cheek. A few heartbeats later, she drew back with a sniff, mustering the weakest of smiles as she finally dared to meet his gaze. “Mathias, I…” she murmured weakly, nervously chewing her lower lip. The struggle was clear in her watery eyes. “I, uhm...”

“… I forgot my boots,” the girl finally piped as she burst into tears and laughter, leaning to timidly rest her head on the warrior’s chest.

[Ashiakin]

Mathias

Continuity - 7
Setting - 8
Pacing - 6

Aside from the fact that I felt your introduction was largely irrelevant in regards to the story you developed with Ataraxis, you did a good job with the story overall. Really nice use of setting to bolster your character. My main concern was that I found the climax to be a little jarring. It would have been better if there had been a slower build-up to it.

Dialogue - 7
Action - 6
Persona - 7

Your writing in the area of character was certainly above-average, I just felt like Ataraxis was further above-average in this regard. There were a few times where I felt like your dialogue was a little too grandiose, but mostly what it was right on: You tend to write with the pauses and imperfections that people actually speak with (tons of people actually don't.)

Mechanics - 7
Technique - 5
Clarity - 6

You are a good writer, but I feel like there are a few things you need to smooth out. I would watch how you use your adjectives and descriptive phrases. Oftentimes you include too many adjectives in a sentence, many of them meaning the same thing or near the same thing. You also include descriptions that do the same. When writing a sentence, ask yourself, "Can this description be implied by another word or phrase in the sentence?" and "If not, is it really needed to convey my point?"

Wild Card - 7

Total - 66

Ataraxis

Continuity - 8
Setting - 7
Pacing - 7

For the most part, you did a very nice job of creating an interesting story and sustaining it with accurate character interaction. I did feel that climax was a little jarring and came on too quick, though. Ultimately, I think this thread would have been better if it was longer and more slowly developed. This is interrelated with my later comment about your post length.

Dialogue - 8
Action - 7
Persona - 8

Again, you did very well with this. Your dialogue is believable and well-written, the movement of the story was mostly well-done except for what I noted with the climax, and your character was was wonderfully done. Character was probably your strongest element in this thread--too many tend toward flashiness on Althanas, but your character was believable, sincere, and very human (even if she's not really a human.)

Mechanics - 8
Technique - 6
Clarity - 7

I don't think I've ever read your writing before, but I was very impressed. My only real complaints: 1) You tend to overuse metaphors/similes. Using too many metaphors/similes tends to cheapen their effect. 2) For a battle, your posts were too long and contained too much unnecessary information. You write very well, but condensing things might give you a better effect.

Wild Card - 8

Total - 74

Ataraxis wins.

Mathias gains 600 EXP.
Ataraxis gains 2400 EXP and 100 GP.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!