Lessons in Victimology The Red Death Vs. Zaith Tenimi

[Destrudo]

Destrudo grinned. Oh why oh why did this motley fool ever think Destrudo was out of tricks? Anyone could punch, but it took more skill than that to actually use hands as weapons, and Zaith had practically handed use of his over to Destrudo.

He grabbed Zaith's arm, and pushed the Elbow joint in the opposite way it was supposed to bend, slamming it with all the force his right hand could muster. Since Destrudo was taller than Zaith an effective choking would inevitably force his arm to be straight and close to Destrudo's body. The end result of an effective attack, would be for Zaith's arm to be broken and unusable, as the elbow joint gets broken from bending in ways it isn't supposed to.

At the same time, he twisted with the left, the hand gripping Zaith's arm, to twist Zaith's arm off his neck forcibly. How much longer would it take for Zaith to realize he was outclassed?

Destrudo followed this two-pronged attack up with a knee to the groin. It was time to pull out the wrestling moves, now that he was close.

[shinigami_90]

As Destrudo quickly robbed Zaith of his entire left arm, and pretty much there defenseless and pride destroyed as he tries to get out of the grip that Destrudo has his left arm in. Suddenly as the pain increases Zaith starts to black out. Destrudo notices and drops Zaith to the ground and kicks him in the stomach which sends him rolling along the ground into a small gathering of crates which shatters them.

So a few moments pass and there is no movement from the crates and Destrudo thinks he is victorious, but as he starts walking away, he hears commotion from the crates; but as he looks back at them all he sees is a blur as Zaith runs out and punches Destrudo square in the gut forcing the wind out of him and causing him to collapse for a brief second.

"What now? I told you, don't get me mad, or you'd regret it" Zaith says smirking at Destrudo who is in pain, but not like the pain he has been caused the last part of the day.

[Destrudo]

At least, that's what Zaith thought happened. Kicking a fallen man was too simple, too easy, when there were other options to one who studied a variety of fighting styles and was out of character for Destrudo to begin with. But Destrudo, disillusioned with the fight, simply turned and walked away, stopping at the monks breifly to turn back towards the fallen man and mutter a few words only.
"That, was pathetic."

Walking past the monks, the fight ended, and Zaith was forbidden from attacking any further, as they knelt and attended to his wounds. If he did attack Destrudo, he would have to deal with the monks, and no one crossed the monks and survived, no one. Destrudo turned a corner, and disappeared.

With a flash, the docks were restored to the former condition they were in prior to the fight, and even the slain water monster was resurrected, much to it's delight, for as it awoke, it found and devoured a tasty tuna. Zaith meanwhile, would be left to his own devices. Destrudo was no longer anywhere near the arena, and Scara Brae was a large enough island to get lost on, so the chances of Zaith finding Destrudo any time soon were slim to none.

OOC: Make your ending post Shinigami, I'll submit it for judging after you do.

[shinigami_90]

After the arena was 're-furbished' Zaith quicky went to try and find Destrudo and congragulate him on the fight. But no luck, he had vanished like the wind. "How the hell did he....?", so he shrugs his shoulders and goes to grab his cloak. So as he puts it on a note falls out; he opens it and sees "go to the citadel and seek challenges and win. when you think you are ready come back here"

He raises his eyebrows and looks around cautiously sighs heavily then folds the note up and puts it in his small pouch for items.He fetches his swords and sheaths them and goes to the merchants to get what he needs.....

OOC: ok all done here

[Tainted Bushido]

Thank you for being patient guys.

Overall: Guys, I felt you guys had a lot set before you, you tried to accomplish a good fight while trying to tell a story of the underdog fighting the big bad evil guy ™. While I think you guys tried a few things, I saw that the thread had fallen apart on some fundamental levels, and in doing so, it hurt the threads story. I’ll address issues with each of you guys, and try to help you learn where to approve.

Okay, now where’s that new fangled judging rubric…aha here it is!

Onto the judging!

Destrudo

STORY

Continuity ~ 3/10. The problem here Destrudo, was that I got nothing to go off of. I had no clue if this was his first thread, or his fiftieth. I had no sense of accomplishment or past with the character, and that threw me off.

Setting ~ 4/10. You set up your stage, and you tried to use it well. I got the feeling that you were at least making an effort, however Setting is more than just location, its people and places. You at least made nods to that effect, and so you scored a bit higher, however I still felt the stage was a bit blank.

Pacing ~ 2/10. The pacing was nonexistent, and unfortunately this is both characters faults. I’ll talk more about this at the end. You tried to pace, however there was several jarring things written that just killed whatever flow there was.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. Insults were thrown, people were angered, and yet nothing seemed to come of it. I felt these lines were a bit flat, spoken in a void and attached to this thread because they were fitting of a villain. This was really my only insight into what Destrudo was meant to be.

Action ~ 4/10. A low score here means I have no sense of who he is. What does Destrudo like besides gutting his opponent and causing suffering? Is there anything he dislikes other than someone stopping his only known like? I had nothing to gauge whether his actions were out of character, or within. The only reason you actually scored as high as you did, was the fact that you walked away. Insults thrown and walking away actually worked in your favor. Hence why your score isn’t abysmal, but at the near midway point.

Persona ~ 3/10. Who is Destrudo? Does he work for money fame power glory? What does he do? I heard he’s a Prince, but what’s Noctum? I got no sense of who he was, and unfortunately that hurt you.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 2/10. There wasn’t a lot here. I know part of this is your opponent’s fault, however try to keep afloat. There are ways of incorporating good writing in here without relying on opponent’s prompt.

Mechanics ~ 3/10. You have many missing letters/words/wrong words. I would suggest reading your posts aloud to catch the ones word won’t pick up. Practice will be your only friend here.

Clarity ~ 5/10. You were clear, but mechanics is what stopped you from going further. I had to sometimes reread passages to get what words were missing, and what words were meant to be.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 6/10. You put in the effort, just remember to keep it up, you need to practice to get good.

Total: 35!

STORY

Continuity ~ 0/10. I got no feeling of where Shinagami fit in here. I understand that this is a role playing site, however to get points in this category you have to talk a bit about your character. His past experiences, how they shaped him, how he works. This all helps build the story of Shinigami, remember, a fresh character still has a past, and that past will continue to affect him.

Setting ~ 4/10. Nominal use of the setting helped you. The use of the building and how it was set on fire was technically use of said settings, when they were remembered at all. Don’t forget the people, use them too. Culture is as much a setting as the location.

Pacing ~ 2/10. See Destrudo, there was no sense of pace in this thread, just choppy actions.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. Your character unfortunately didn’t strike me with his dialogue. I couldn’t tell if it was you talking through your character, or your character talking at times. Differentiating the character with Dialogue is key.

Action ~ 1/10. There was action, and then there was improper action. You got points for at least trying to go along with Destrudo, however you suffer mainly because of your forcing actions on the other player. Destrudo didn’t go along with them, which resulted n both players low pacing scores. However, as you can see, you suffered on two counts, while he suffered only on one. Remember, Bunnying (The Act of writing your opponent’s actions, without their permission) is forbidden on Althanas.

Persona ~ 2/10. Who is Shinigami? What are his likes and dislikes? What kind of a guy is he? What is this cryptic warning he has?

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 2/10. I saw nothing approaching an advanced technique. No Metaphors or Similes, nothing that seemed witty or clever. One trap of role playing is to merely write your character’s actions, which is a style of role playing. However you need to give insight into your character, this isn’t a session of Dungeons and Dragons where your actions alone can carry you through the game.

Mechanics ~ 2/10. You suffered here because of dropped words, missing letters, and wrong words. You didn’t give me much to work with, but what you did was riddled with errors best found with Microsoft Word and reading your own posts aloud.

Clarity ~ 4/10. See Destrudo.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 6/10. You’ll see better days, please take my advice, contact me and I’ll be more than willing to elaborate on what’s been given.

Total: 26!

DESTRUDO WINS!

Destrudo gets 425 EXP and 200 GP
Shinigami_90 gets 150 EXP

Any EXP rewards given are based off of the Battle Equation. Any questions regarding what was said can be addressed to me via PM or AIM SethDahlios.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!