At the Edge of Night: Sorahn vs. Tenmatsu Tenimi

[Sorahn]

Sorahn un’ Rohnahmeh sat atop a cracked and broken pillar, perched high above a derelict temple of Ronah. The old column no longer held the weight of a roof. Age and disrepair had removed this burden years ago, and the remains lay scattered across the stone floor of the ancient temple.

The majority of the great pillar still remained, allowing Sorahn to peer out over what was left of the roof to the forest clearing beyond. The sun was providing its final remnants of light before the cold of night. A soft breeze filtered through his short fur, providing a pleasant cooling.

The Ranoan’s large, swept-back ears suddenly perked slightly, and his eyes narrowed. Those sharp, battle-hardened eyes slowly scanned the trees, searching intently. He remained perfectly still for a moment, save his ever-swinging tail, and listened.

Suddenly he leapt from the column, landing lightly on a shorter one nearby. He hopped again, swinging from one of the high arches to another pillar before sliding down a thick vine growing around it. He landed gracefully on the dusty stone floor with a soft thump which echoed from the walls of the silent hall. He spun quickly and came face to face with an Ai’bron monk.

“I know.” Sorahn said simply.

The hooded figure stood in the shadow, making his face indistinguishable. “His name is Tenmatsu Tenimi. None have heard the name before. He is a newcomer.” The monk responded from beneath the dark hood.

“Is he skilled?” Sorahn said, showing interest.

“None can say. However he has a very unusual appearance, and he carries a large scythe.”

Sorahn nodded. “Thank you.”

The monk simply bowed and turned away, disappearing behind one of the cracked stone pillars. Sorahn turned to the stone statue standing in the middle of the temple.

It was a massive and imposing figure of Ronah himself, the creator and god of all Ranoans. The statue stood 70 feet tall, and had the appearance of a creature similar to Sorahn, except with large horns and great wings that spread over 100 feet. He held a long spear and an intense gaze. Every feature of the intricately carved statue was a testament to Ronah’s might.

Sorahn knelt down at the edge of the pool surrounding the great statue and murmured softly in his people’s ancient language. Then he cupped some of the water in his hands and drank it, relishing its cool, refreshing feeling as it flowed down his throat.

He slowly stood, water still dripping from his chin, and looked to the face of the statue. “Ronah, guide my spear.” He said quietly and turned toward the massive mahogany doors at the opposite end of the hall, just as the enchanted sconces hanging from the pillars burst into flames, lighting the temple in the onset of night.

[Tenmatsu Tenimi]

The time of day was dusk, the sun had just set over the horizon when Tenmatsu and his life long friend and brother Sao entered a dense forest. In the distance mighty pillars stand, to symbolize loyalty to some god unknown to Tenmatsu and Sao. In his usual garb's and attire Tenmatsu brushes low branches out of his with his right hand to make way to make it easier for him while in his left hand resides his trusted weapon of choice, a scythe that is 6 ft tall and the blade itself is 2 ft;almost as tall as he is surprisingly for him.

As he brushes the branches out of his face, branches large and branches small it's never ending these branches. Tenmatsu, stops and stands still as he approaches a cracked and broken pillar, scythe in his left hand, and his right hand in the right side pocket of his outfit. "And who the hell would build something way out here, in the middle of nowhere? I have never seen this building structure before....." he says cautiously scanning the area; "Sao, get out of here now and don't come back till I call you back ok?" Sao, being a cat shoots away into the distance. Tematsu then starts looking to the tree canopy's and everywhere in between them cause his gut is telling him to be on guard.

Eyes glowing red in the darkness Tenmatsu slowly creeps up to the base of the statue to rest for a few moments, hoping he'd not get attacked while he rested.."God blasted, this forest, it feels different, not like a normal forest" and with that a blur leaps right across his gaze and vanishes just as fast as it appeared "What the hell" as Tenmatsu now takes his scythe in both hands, right hand on the grip of the staff and his left at a lower point on the staff, but the blade itself you can see clear as day.

Tenmatsu, now sweating bullets left and right he looks around to see if he can find what made that mad dash. So he heads in the direction of the creature, hoping to find it and kill it, just so it wont do shit like that again. So he treads carefully and walks slowly after the creature;but as he gets so far, he sees some kind of structure in the distance "Ok what the hell?" as he turns his head back to the pillar then back to the other structure and keeps walking towards it, cautiously, weapon at the ready. He gets closer and notices a small pool of water beside the structure and walks over to it and kneels down on his right leg, laying the scythe on the ground. He then cups both his hands together under the water and lifts what he has up so he may get a drink. "Refreshing" as he grabs his scythe and goes to stand.

When he stands and turns around, there was someone or something standing there, although it had a human figure it was not a human, more of a ghostly type, with white skin and black markings all over it. "And who might you be?" Tenmatsu says firmly and attentive making it sound as if he means business. His hands on his weapon, gripping tighter now that he sees someone there. "Speak now before I do what I must to get out alive" he says raising the 2ft long blade of the scythe to this person,

[Sorahn]

Okay first I would definitely recommend typing all your posts in a word processor like Microsoft Word, or if you don’t have that, try www.openoffice.org. They have a free one. It will catch a lot of those simple spelling mistakes we all tend to make when typing. For example, horizon instead of horizen. By the same token, give your posts a good read through before posting them. For example you wrote “… brushes low branches out of his with his right hand”. I’m sure you meant out of his way, and a quick read through would probably catch that.

Overall I will say your post is better than most of those just starting out. You take the time to describe some things around you, which is good, but could be done a bit better. Throw in a few adjectives describing how things look, feel, and sound. Use all your senses. This is something I also struggle with, but can make your writing much more immersive. Remember that you’re trying to paint a picture with words.

Also, make sure you carefully read your opponent’s post. I wrote that the pool is surrounding the base of the statue, and I ended the post with Sorahn standing in front of the pool, facing the large wooden doors. I was a little confused when I read about the “structure” that Tenmatsu approached, while apparently looking for Sorahn, who was running around. Try to keep the continuity going to keep from confusing your readers. Also, I’m not sure if the movement you were talking about was Sorahn jumping down from the pillar or something else, but keep in mind that controlling someone else’s character is called bunnying, which is generally frowned upon, as well as against the rules. Not saying you did, but just keep it in mind.

Sorahn watched intently as a deathly figure approached him, with a rather menacing scythe in his hands. The Ranoan’s face turned to a cautious frown as he studied this newcomer with his sharp blue eyes. The man was very tall and muscular, and he appeared to know how to handle that scythe. But what concerned Sorahn the most was the sense of darkness about him. He had a feeling of unexplainable coldness that made Sorahn a bit edgy.

“My name is Sorahn un’ Rohnahmeh.” He said finally, his eyes still narrow with distrust. “And I might ask you the same question, as well as why you drink from the sacred waters of Ronah when you are obviously not Ranoan.”

The thought finally occurred to him that this man would have no idea of his people’s traditions and simply wanted something to drink. He attempted to soften his disposition, as he had a tendency to get very protective over the Ranoan culture.

“Forgive me, traveler. The monks have informed me that you are to be my opponent this evening.” He managed to say with a forced politeness that did not suit him well. Finally his face turned to a look of marked resignation.

“These introductions are always awkward. So let us get right to it, shall we? True warriors speak better with blades, anyway.” He said finally, a slight smile managing to break through his stoic demeanor.

With a burst of dark smoke, a menacing black spear appeared in his hand. It had a spear-head and two long curved blades on either side that seemed detached from the shaft, which was six feet long and had ancient Ranoan writing inscribed on its length. It left a short trail of darkness as he twirled it and slid into a comfortable fighting stance.

The slight smile gave way to a full blown grin as he felt his body settle into the age old state of preparation. He was relaxed, yet focused; calm, yet on edge. Every time he fought he reached a level of nirvana. His senses grew sharper, his muscles grew stronger, and his mind grew faster. Fighting gave him a sense of purpose. He knew this was what he was born to do. He was a warrior. When he fought it was as though all was right with the world.

He stood still; poised and ready. His tail swayed with anticipation as he stood light on his feet, the smile still on his face, exposing his razor sharp teeth.

“If you truly seek battle, come at me, and you shall have one you won’t soon forget.”

[Tenmatsu Tenimi]

As Tenmatsu stood and noticed the creature who called himself Sorahn un' Rohnahmeh. “Yes, that is what is proper. My name is Tenmatu Tenimi, and it is an honor to fight someone as yourself. Now know I won't be an easy threat” he says closing his eyes and stabs the ground with his scythe, which stands exactly 6ft and the blade is 2ft tall into the ground so it stands up straight, with the blade facing Sorahn. As his eyes are closed he throws his arms to his sides straight out and rotates his head clockwise and then counter clockwise so he cracks his ancient bones.


As he cracks his neck he then brings his arms to his front and brings his hands together and starts to crack his fingers as well, making them loose. A few moments pass and he then opens his eyes and stares at his opponent he takes note of everything; especially the spear, which seemed to be this creature's main visible weapon next to his teeth.

He then grips his scythe with his right hand and grips it tight slowly while bringing it to his front so it is angled towards Sorahn. He then grips a lower part of the staff itself with his left hand.

As he does this he closes his eyes again, this time to listen to the surroundings, taking in everything that can be heard, waiting for his opponent to make the first move. The wind blowing towards him not only lets him know when his opponent makes a move but brings Tenmatsu the scent of his opponent; a scent that is not easily forgotten. His stance is that of a staff fighter; bent knees, bent elbows straight face and weapon at hand.

His eyes stay closed as he smirks and finally says “Well then, let us dance, Ronoan, for this may be one of our last dances.” As he says this his ears fluctuate to the sounds still, bugs chirping, birds whistling, wolf howls are all heard in the distance but Tenmatsu pays them no heed since he has found his match.

[Sorahn]

First off, I apologize for taking over 2 weeks to post. Things have been really crazy with school and I’ve been gone every weekend without internet. I realize I’ve technically lost by default, but personally I like letting the score decide who wins or loses. But it’s up to you. You can take the win and my spot in the Pagoda, according to the rules. But realize that as soon as you do, I’ll be challenging you right back to get it back and I’ll remember to post. Either way we’ll be going by a score.

Now, on to your post. This post was better. Right off I want to say that I loved the second to last paragraph. Not only is it grammatically correct, but it shows some variety in sentence structure. I can also tell you tried to use all your senses, and it shows particularly in this paragraph.

One little thing I want to point out is how you end quotations. For example:

“… one of our last dances”as he says this…”

Notice these are actually two separate sentences. So you should put punctuation on your quotation and capitalize the next sentence. “… one of our last dances.” As he says this….

Once again, be careful to re-read your sentences to make sure they make sense. My English teachers always recommended reading out loud to yourself. For example: “… called himself Sorahn un’ Rohnahmeh and greeted himself.” The word “himself” doesn’t really agree here.

Sorahn waited patiently as Tenmatsu carefully cracked his fingers and neck. Silence filled the room, accompanied only by the faint sounds of crickets outside, beginning to come out and sing for the night. Sorahn’s tail swished quietly as he stood, his patience quickly fading. His face turned to a slight frown. It was becoming clear that he would have to be the one to make the first move.

Very well then…

Slowly he slid his right leg back and planted it firmly on the floor, feeling the cool stone press against his bare foot. He took a deep breath and looked to his opponent for a moment.

Suddenly he took off. Moving with the speed he was known for, he closed the distance between them in a flash. He brought the spear around in a wide arc aimed for his opponent’s mid-section. The blades sang songs of blood-lust as they cut the air. True to Ranoan style, he followed the spear’s momentum into a spin and brought the blades back down again.

He quickly leapt to the side, relying as always on his speed and agility to give him the advantage early. As he landed, he took one more quick thrust with the spear and prepared himself for a counter attack.

The adrenaline had already begun to pump through his veins. His state of awareness reached a new plane, and his muscles became lightning fast, ready to explode with stored energy at the slightest thought.

But he was still feeling his opponent out. He wanted to learn his style, his strength, his skills, and his weaknesses. These first strikes were meant more to test than to kill. Inflicting damage early would be nice, but learning how to inflict damage later was just as good.

Besides, he still had many tricks up his sleeve.

[Tenmatsu Tenimi]

I want to win this fair and square so we keep this going on, I want to feel the 'adrenaline rush' that everyone loves. Besides, it wouldn't be fair if I just took the win by default, what fun is there in that?

As the ranoan places his right foot back Tenmatsu cautiously grips his scythe tighter getting ready for anything; Cause you never know what to expect from someone that you've never seen or never fought. The crickets chirp, branches and leaves sway in the wind as it howls which means a storm is on the verge of brewing. Tenmatsu smiles and looks dead at Sorahn, tail waving in the wind.


"So he will make the first move now, excellent" He thinks to himself, wanting his opponents to always make the first move; to see how they start out, and Sorahn here is a pro at this.


The Ranoan goes in for a thrust but Tenmatsu brings his scythe blade first and sticks the blade to his spear and by doing so would hopefully give Tenmatsu an opening to attack and hefts up so the thrust goes right over his shoulder; just grazing his cloak. Tenmatsu sees this and suddenly glares at Sorahn with such anger in his eyes that might make the devil cry.


So as the thrust is a miss, Tenmatus releases his left hand from his grip and goes to grab Sorahn by his throat, or his upper right arm; Which ever he can grab first. If his grip is successful, he'd either try to choke his opponent or try to break the arm; making it completely useless for the rest of the fight... hopefully giving Tenmatsu the advantage.. And every advantage counts when your life is on the line.

[Sorahn]

Awesome. I’m glad we’re on the same page.

I would recommend really reading your opponent’s posts very carefully. In the paragraph before Sorahn’s thrust, I wrote that he also sliced in an arc toward Tenmatsu’s midsection, and then brought the spear back down from the top. So there were really three attacks in that post, but you only addressed one. That hurts your continuity.

Other than that I’d say your posts are improving. I like that you’re showing a bit of Tenmatsu’s personality through his actions. Keep focusing on this. Give depth to your character and it makes them much more realistic.

Sorahn grunted in frustration as his thrust was deflected over his opponent’s shoulder. The perfectly sharp blades that desperately hungered for flesh met only cloth, emitting a ripping sound that echoed off the great pillars. This ignited a flame of anger in his opponent’s eyes. Sorahn had to restrain himself to keep from smiling.

Angry opponents make mistakes.

He didn’t have time to dwell on this, however. A hand suddenly shot toward him, eager to catch his neck and choke him. Sorahn quickly spun right and brought his spear around with him. Hoping to catch his opponent off balance, he sliced upward with the blades.

He spun once more, swinging the blades at his opponent one more time before planting his foot and stopping abruptly. He brought his spear up in a defensive stance as he had been trained to do.

The Ranoan warrior had fought in so many battles now that his movements were simply reactions. He didn’t think; he only acted. He relied purely on instinct to guide him, and it served him well. Underneath all the society-imposed propriety was a caged beast. A beast which was allowed to roam free in the heat of battle, where there were no limitations; where nothing mattered but the passion of the moment.

This beast was only beginning to rear its head. And it was hungry.

[Tenmatsu Tenimi]

Thanks for the compliment, It really means a lot to me. And thanks, your help is really improving my writing don't you think?

Tenmatsu's fury is that of a stampede of raging bulls on a rampage. His grab to Sorahn's neck or arm was not clear; he missed and missed horribly.

Sorahn decided to spin right and slash at Tenmatsu; By doing so swinging dust into the air and was able to cut skin now. He had managed to cut from Tenmatsu's left side under his rib cage to halfway of the way to his right side rib cage.

Tenmatsu rears back and quickly takes his left hand and puts it over his new bleeding wound while his right hand is slowly loosening his grip on his scythe, Tenmatsu knows that by slowing his breathing down the blood slows down as well; Sometimes but not all the time. He looks at Sorahn then to his wound that is dripping blood down his stomach; His left hand is not helping the bleeding, just slowing it down. Tenmatsu then eyes Sorahn and tries to hold back his anger; Anger only leads to someone's downfall and Tenmatsu will not let him die because of a mere 'flesh wound'.

Sorahn had done damage; maybe enough to win in the end, but Tenmatsu will not back down even if his life is on the line; He never backs down, no matter the cost or the sacrifice.

The clouds are all turning dark gray; signs of a storm, it should start any moment from what the area says. The tree branches, the grass that the two combatants are standing on are swaying, dust is being lifted off the ground and in the to wind. Tenmatsu quickly glances to the sky just as the rain starts; a light rain that is barely noticeable but known that it is still there. The dirt is turning to a light mud, the leaves are dripping water, and falling to the ground, making more rubble in the arena; making it easier to find one another if sight becomes unavailable...

So Tenmatsu looks dead at Sorahn and slowly walks to him, grip is somewhat tight on his scythe with his right hand as he walks towards Sorahn; As he gets within in 5 feet of Sorahn he brings his scythe up and arched behind him with his right hand, slowly gripping it now with his left hand and brings it down behind Sorahns's feet; hopefully taking a foot or two out..

[Sorahn]

You’re quite welcome. I like helping new guys out. What kind of place would this be if all the new people left because no one would help them? It wouldn’t take long for it to suck. And yeah, I can definitely see an improvement already. Just stick with it. When the battle’s over be sure to read the judge’s comments, as they’re much better at all this than I am and they can offer some really great advice.

Either way, just keep having fun. The writing will come later, but if you aren’t having fun then this stops being a game and it turns into work and an English class. :P

Anywho, on to your post. I really liked the wound (that sounds funny). It allowed you to show some great character. His determination and drive to win come off well. One thing the judges always tell me: try to describe the pain, too. Surely a gaping, bleeding wound to the chest has got to hurt. Putting this in your writing can help the reader get an idea for what your character is feeling and it just ends up sounding cool.

I also liked the storm coming in. This does a great job of identifying your surroundings. Like one of the other mods has said somewhere, it keeps the battle from taking place in some black void… you have a background which makes the overall picture that much more compelling. So keep that up.

A note on strategy: you’re allowed to make more than one attack in one post. The swing to Sorahn’s feet was great, but if he has quick reflexes (which he does) he should be able to leap over it. However, he would be off balance upon landing. If you had followed up with another strike afterward, it would be very hard for me to not take damage, or else risk powergaming. These kinds of combo attacks can be very effective.

Sorahn grinned as he felt the spear drag; pulling against flesh as the blades carved a path for themselves. He stood in his defensive stance, taking immense satisfaction at watching a small red drop fall from the black spear and land on the temple floor with a tiny splash.

Soon it was washed away with the newly formed mud as a light rain began falling through the ruined roof of the temple. His snow-white fur quickly became matted with water; dripping from his elbows, his chin, his long ears. His black hair had become slick and lay in sheets on either side of his canine face. Small droplets formed precariously beneath his pointed and swept-back horns.

The rain felt cold and heavy in his fur, but in the heat of battle it was refreshing. He tightened his grip on his spear, ensuring the rain water would not cause it to slip. He couldn’t ask for a better setting for a battle.

As Tenmatsu came toward him, he prepared himself for anything. He didn’t know what this man was capable of, so he would have to rely on his instincts to see him through. His sharp eyes focused intently on his opponent; waiting for the slightest sign of Tenmatsu’s next move. Each muscle in his body was ready and waiting for the first command from his mind to spring into action.

He watched as the huge spear blade swung low toward his ankles. Instantly he pushed off the ground hard, bending his knees to allow the blade to pass harmlessly beneath him. His feet landed back firmly in the mud with a splat; splashing brown mud up onto his tattered black pants.

Time to show you one of my tricks.

Sorahn flicked his left wrist and instantly sent out a powerful shockwave in all directions which rattled the great decaying pillars and shook the floor. With his opponent hopefully off balance from the force of this, he lunged forward, thrusting with his spear. Quickly he turned and brought the spear around again; sweeping like an axe with the long curved side blades.

He had the momentum now. The battle was slowly turning to his favor. Now he needed to focus and keep his cool in order to drive this momentum to a victory. The beast had tasted blood.

[Tenmatsu Tenimi]

i am so sorry it took so long. I kinda lost my will to write for a while but i got it back.

The shockwave from Sorahn had knocked Tenmatsu slightly off his feet and down on to his knees. The mud under his knees and the rain over his head seeped through his clothes which in time will slow him down and it felt wet. Tenmatsu quickly looks up as he hears rapid footsteps and sees Sorahn sees Sorahn running at him; thrusting his spear and then quickly turning around

Tenmatsu sees this and grips his scythe tight and pushes off the ground just barely missing both the thrust and the sweep by mere inches.

Tenmatsu lands on mud and slips for a quick brief second taking his right hand and covering the gash that Sorahn had just left a a parting gift making sure the bleeding stopped. It hasn't but it has slowed. He then gets his balance back and lunges fist first towards Sorahn. Then quickly going from a punch to a fast and steady jab with the blunt end of the scythe.