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Thread: Missing Elements

  1. #11
    I'm Mr. White Christmas!
    EXP: 55,856, Level: 9
    Level completed: 17%, EXP required for next level: 9,144
    Level completed: 17%,
    EXP required for next level: 9,144
    GP
    3626
    Ashiakin's Avatar

    Name
    Ashiakin Azzarak
    Age
    Ancient
    Race
    Demon
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    White
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    6'0''/170lbs
    Job
    Spymaster

    Ashiakin turned. Denebriel stood before him, her red hair and elegant red dress contrasting starkly with the pale white of the stone chamber and the gray light that streamed in from the balcony behind her. She looked like some angel appearing out of an ancient gloom. She was smiling at him, in that knowing, condescending way that always irked him. Although a part of him had known that she must have been here--how else would he have been healed?--the sight of her did not fail to surprise him. I'll never understand why you brought me here, he thought. Not even if you tell me why.

    "We could have traveled here together if that was what you wanted," he said, holding back his anger as best as he could. "It would have saved me so much."

    "It's never been my job to save you, Ashiakin. I have in the past because I cared for you. I still do, after all this time. You were always worth more than my all my lieutenants together."

    "I don't understand why I'm here. You can't mean for me to do this."

    "I want you to figure it out, Ashiakin," she said, walking slowly toward him. She placed her hand on the grip of the sword that hung in the keyhole. "Will you do this for me? That is what I am concerned with."

    He looked away from her, focusing on the gray skies and the battle fires that reigned in the distant sky. If the scene moved any slower through the view of the far balcony, it could have been a painting. "I will not."

    Denebriel narrowed her eyes at him, but then she grinned absently. With a flick of her wrist, she turned the sword in the keyhole. Ashiakin's heart lurched, but the blade snapped and nothing happened. She turned to him, still smiling wryly with the hilt of the broken sword in her hand. "It was never real," she said. "You could have never opened the Vault and whatever catastrophes it contains. I wanted to see what you would do."

    "You lied to me?" he asked, rounding on her angrily. "I can't tell you what I've been through for this! Why... Why did you do this to me?"

    "After you escaped from your prison, Ashiakin, it was almost two years before you tried to contact me. You avoided me. You avoided all of us. They all though we had lost you... But I had hope. Unfortunately, I had to capture you instead of you coming to me directly, but the result is the same. You have erased all the doubts I ever had about you."

    "I'm sorry, Denebriel," he said, biting his lip and lowering his head. "I was foolish after I was first freed from my bonds. I was afraid of being imprisoned like that again. It was arrogant of me to no end. I thought of seeking you out often, though I obviously never did. That is all I can offer."

    "It is enough," she said, sliding her hand around his and interlocking their fingers. "You traveled here, through countless trials, the betrayal of a companion, a deep wound, knowing that you were uncertain you could obey my final orders. But I do not know a reason besides loyalty to me that you would have come all the way to Vha Khotur anyway."

    "Yes," he said, looking at her curiously. "I cannot deny that."

    "Come," she said, pulling his hand and walking with him across the brilliant stone hall to the balcony.

    They stood there together, overlooking the town below and the barren fields of rock and snow that stretched out in all directions beyond it. The battle below was drawing to a close. The Church strike-force had penetrated deep into the town, their red banners flying high above the faltering blue of the fading defenders. Many of Vhakh's larger buildings were now aflame, spewing gray smoke into the gray sky. Vha Khotur, through some betrayal, was already in Denebriel's hands. There would be no surrender below, though. The royal guards and the milita would guard Vhahk and Vha Khotur above it that they did not know had already fallen with their lives, as if the great fortress was the last temple of a dying religion.

    "Do you remember how this would have looked all those years ago?" she asked, sliding her arm around his waist and gazing into the smoky sky. "The town below us a vast citadel of learning instead of this miserable hovel, the sky blue and clear, the horizons filled with hints of the great land that we knew in our hearts was ours, always would be?"

    "I remember it very well, Denebriel," he said.

    "My plan... My real plan, Ashiakin, is for that to be real again."

    He said nothing, though questions formed in his mind like spider webs, linking thoughts, catching others, dissecting them. The sounds of the dying battle were becoming fainter. After the defenders of Vhakh had all fallen, they would not be heard again. Their memory would recede with time like the last ring of an echo. Those things would have happened, vanished from the present, ceased to exist in the reality before him. What could ever bring them back?

    Out of Character:
    Rewards: I ask for no items or abilities, GP will be fine.
    "The problem with escapism is that when you read or write a book, society is in the chair with you. You can't escape your history or your culture. So the idea that because fantasy books aren't about the real world, they therefore 'escape,' is ridiculous. Even the most surreal and bizarre fantasy can't help but reverberate around the reader's awareness of their own reality." -- China Miéville

    Former Regions Administrator, Former Salvar Writer

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 54,688, Level: 10
    Level completed: 7%, EXP required for next level: 10,312
    Level completed: 7%,
    EXP required for next level: 10,312
    GP
    8,655
    Raelyse's Avatar

    Name
    Raelyse
    Age
    23
    Race
    A Mere Man
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Silver
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    6'0 / 176 lbs

    View Profile
    Story

    Continuity7.5 - I had a rough knowledge of the Wars of the Tap and had read the previous thread, but I think I still would have got most of what was going on even if I didn’t. This score suffered because this story was part of the elaborate FQ storyline and if you had to go into depth to really score well here, the quest would just be way too long with too much waffle.

    Setting8 – You really paint a picture, especially up to the point with the Eyeless Men. The metaphors are great and fit in well with the general tone of your writing. However, I felt that you kind of tailed off at the end and the descriptions from when the story moved to the tavern was much weaker compared to the ones at the beginning.

    Pacing7 – The story progressed well and you kept it at an even pace but there were times when I felt that this scene could have done with another post to give it more meat, but this wasn’t really that big of a problem. I especially felt that Aerran’s betrayal could have done with a bit more finesse. It didn’t come completely out of left field, but it just seemed you rushed to that point.

    Character

    Dialogue8.5 – The dialogue in this thread was really good, I got a good feel for the characters from what they said. It really enhanced the story.

    Action7 – Because I felt this thread was a bit short, most actions didn’t seem as if it got the right amount of character justification for me. That said, nothing was beyond the realms of belief.

    Persona7.5 – Ashiakin and Denebriel were characterized well but I felt that you could have done a little more to flesh out Aerran’s character. You always write well as Ashiakin and this was no exception. You really have a good feel for him and you won’t be terribly far from scoring high here if you can get something similar with your NPCs.

    Writing Style

    Technique9 – The perfect amount of literary devices here. Your writing didn’t get overflowery and I felt that you struck a really good balance in this thread.

    Mechanics7 – There were about two and three grammatical errors.

    Clarity8 – You were simplistic and easy to follow in this thread, with only a few instances of complicated words which halted the thread.

    Wild Card7 – Good writing, but I know that you can do so much better.

    Total Score76.5

    Ashiakin gets 8000 EXP and 300 GP!


    You're good... but me, I'm magic.

  3. #13
    Memento Mori
    EXP: 53,567, Level: 9
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 433
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 433
    GP
    7,248
    Witchblade's Avatar

    Name
    Witchblade
    Age
    Unknown
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black, like her soul
    Eye Color
    Crimson
    Build
    5'9 / 130lbs
    Job
    Murderer

    EXP and GP added!

    Ashiakin levels up!
    Do you ever Feel like a Monster?

    Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead

    Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
    Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
    Pray for The Heart I Once Had
    Then grant A Rose For The Dead'

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