The Sunset Theare Co.'s Happy Hour -- Challenge 1

[Sunset Theatre Co.]

You there! The kingdom is under siege from Lovecraftian-types, and the defenses are wearing thin! The formerly bustling economy is spiraling towards oblivion! The summer drought decimated the crops; the citizens will have to resort to cannibalism this winter! The elves have had it up to here with the humans, the goblins are pissed at the halflings, and the dwarves still hate everyone! The queen was stricken by some random yet terminal illness! The chancellor was kidnapped by ninjas, and nobody's a bad enough dude to save him!

The king calls upon you in his time of need, humble citizen, to carry out a simple task:

"Make me laugh."

Hey, if you're going down in flames, might as well do it with a smile, right?

***

The rules of this little challenge are quite simple: In 1,000 words or less, tell me a story about your overly tragic character. I don't want to read anything having to do with how both of their parents were murdered by his/her double-crossing ex (who died moments later when the entire village was pillaged and burned by the most evil person they will ever know). Give us some insight into the more comedic moments in their life: Say, a case of mistaken identity, trying to outwit a cunning merchant on a big sale, a run-in with a stalking ex-girlfriend, the morning after a night of drunken folly, something like that. I'll leave the specifics up to you.

I'm judging this myself, and the winner will get three (3) of those fancy "fate points".

Oh, and this event will end on midnight of December 28th.

[noodleguy]

“Ummm, Lord, well…” Lice stalled. He hadn’t led a particularly humorous life, after all. Luckily something occurred to him

“It happened when I was just little, your Majesty. I was, oh, probably twelve years old or so. You see, in the village where I lived, all the kids went to this place to hang out, off out of the town a little ways. It wasn’t like we were skipping school or anything.” Lice looked depressed. “There was no school. But anyway, that’s not really funny now, is it?”

“So where was I? Oh, yeah, this hideout. We built it in a big tree, like a house, but in a tree, y’know? You could call it a sort of a, a house-tree!” Lice grinned and waited for a response from this simply hilarious joke, but there was none. Oh well, better try again.

“Anyway, so all the kids, we all hung out in the housetree. And we’d take up there whatever we could to play with, y’know? Well, one time, one of us kids nicked a bunch of stuff off a merchant passing through town. He was a queer guy, that merchant. Always had all sorts a strange stuff, magic even, sometimes. Had a big beard, fancied himself a real wizard. Just a two-bit trickster though, err, probably. We thought.”

“Anyway, the guy got real mad when we picked up his loot and all. Whadda jerk. Anyway, so the next day when we ran by the caravan he had a bunch of stuff in sacks. And we said to him ‘Hey man, hope you don’t mind if we take this!’ and we grabbed the whole lot. Guy didn’t say anything, didn’t even move a muscle. He gave us a real creepy look though. Real creepy, like, uh, I dunno. Not someone you’d want to meet at nighttime, you know? Whatever.”

“So, yeah, the guy looked at us all creepy. So then we all went up to the housetree. We opened up the sacks, and there was nothing in them! It was awful strange, we all thought, because they were awfully heavy when we carried them out of the store.”

“Next day, the old man came to the town council. Said he wanted all the stolen stuff back and everything. As I said, whadda jerk. Of course, they laughed at him. He was a human, he didn’t have rights! Well, he got even more mad then. Said we’d regret it, and stuff. You know, typical creepy old man stuff. Those guys are all over the place. I mean, really. Is there a creepy oldmansville or something they come out of? And what are the laws? Be mean to poor little goblin kids, probably. Look at people all creepy. And never take a bath, or shave.”

“Well, whatever. Nobody was much afraid of the old man’s curses or whatever. But the next day, strange stuff started happening. Well, I’ll tell ya what happened to me, anyway. Errr, not that I was one of the kids that stole the stuff or anything.” Lice added nervously “Really. Well, y’know, maybe a little bit. Just a little. Yeah.”

“Well, first what happened was I started talking real strange. Like…” Lice screwed up his face in concentration, “Like ‘Ain’t she a purdy goily beard!’ instead of ‘Isn’t she a pretty girl bard!’ y’know. But, anyway, all the kids were like that. We couldn’t control it at all. The adults all thought we were playing a funny game or something, but actually we were all a bit scared at the time.

“Then some other strange stuff happened. We all got really annoyed at eachother, when we were walking down the street. Some kid ran into me and started shouting ‘’Ey, ‘ey buddy, whatcha doin? Whatcha doin?’ real loud-like. It wasn’t a big deal, but I started shouting back at him too. Then we were blocking the way and some other kids started getting mixed up in the damn fray.”

“We all started swearing real loud, and the adults started to come out, practically bright red with embarrassment, that’s what they practically were. Anyhow, then some other kids started a fight over something else. Some kid started shouting “DAMMIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE THE DODGERS LEFT!” and “F***ing NEW JERSEY! I HATE F***ing NEW JERSEY!!” and stuff, it didn’t make any sense, Your Highness.”

“Some of us were real scared then. Things just started to get worse though. Some of the kids managed so get some booze outta somewhere and were drinking like crazy. Who knows where they got it though, it was all funny looking too. Well, that just made the adults even more mad. They were yelling at all their kids but it didn’t do anything, the kids just yelled back. I learned more curse words that day than the rest of my life combined, some of the stuff those kids said. I dunno if they even knew what it all meant either.”

“Finally someone connected it all to the old man. That creepy old guy. Some adult ran out of town to get him, because things were getting crazy about then. I meself wasn’t causing any trouble, of course. Any rumors that I was running around shouting “IF THERE’S SNOW, I AIN’T GOIN NOWHERE! IF THERE’S HALF A F-ING INCH OF SNOW…” are entirely unwarranted, I can assure you, your highness. There wasn’t even any snow on the ground at the time. Although, if there was so much as half an inch, I would not have been going anywhere, I assure you. Ummm…yeah.”

“Well, anyway, the old man came back and when he saw the hullabaloo he started laughing right hard. Cracked up in fact. The elders practically drove him out of town, that’s what they practically did. But he said maybe we’d all learned our lesson and all, and he took the terrible curse off of all of us. We gave him his stuff back, right quick, that’s what we did. And we never saw him again.”

Lice bowed.

“I hope that strange tale entertained you, your majesty!”

[Aerin Penna Seleratus]

Aerin stepped into the spotlight, as it were, and smiled, giving a small bow to the man before her. It was an interesting challenge - to tell a story of one's life which would make others laugh. Aerin, however, was up to the challenge and tossed her thick red curls back with a gentle upward nod of her head.

"Do you..." she began, using her hands to sculpt out the soft concaves at her sides between breast and hip, her chin lowering along with her gaze to settle upon the floor between herself and her audience "...ever think that a woman could kill a man in the nicest way possible?" Without awaiting a reply, she shifted her hands forward slowly, her left turning to travel up a tightened abdomen toward the trapped flesh of her upper form while her right slid in the opposite direction, fingers splaying outward as her hand came to rest before her hidden treasures.

"Neither did I..." she sighed with a growing smile "...until I damn near did it." Her eyes flashed open and upward, her gaze locking onto his as she gave the predatory smile of someone who really knew little of remorse. "I had been a good girl, you see.... Doing chores for my Mistress and tidying up the commons at Thalas Manse while one of her houseguests slept off the busy night before. He was an older man, so wrinkled that his neck resembled the gills of the very fish he hunted for a living. He was so old that he farted dust. So old that there was no-one left alive who remembered him young. He was so old, in fact..." she continued, taking a careful step forward with each third-party insult. "...so old that when he was a child, there were no history scrolls yet."

She gave a pause and a smile.

"He was so old that even the dragons considered him an elder." she finished before giving a little shrug. "But he was as young and spry on the inside as someone my age..." She tossed her hair once more and brought both hands to her cleavage as if contemplating ripping her corset off in remembrance of the day in question.

"I was entranced, however, by him as he lay there snoring, something inside of me longing to rob him blind of clothing and ravish him until even I passed from old age and I soon found myself kneeling before him, this kindly old horny-yet-humble fisherman..." Aerin gave a small shake of her head and purse of her lips. "But my goal today is not to cause you to run off and...shall we say...take matters into your own hands, but rather to make you laugh, so I shall cut to the chase." She spun her left hand in the air as of turning the small hands of an invisible clock.

"One thing leading to another, I found myself a fish on his hook, his wizened old face looking down upon me as he fished my shoals for pleasure. Impassioned, he took me again and again, grunting my name and my praises as I screamed his..."

Aerin took another pause and began to tiptoe closer to her audience.

"...and then the Mistress walked in..."

Aerin's smile broadened.

"I screamed in orgasm.... The Mistress screamed in disgust... Wrinkles...well, Wrinkles couldn't scream at all..." Aerin spun around and brought her left fist crashing into the palm of her right hand as she quickly knelt on the floor, her eyes alive with a dangerous fire which seemed outwardly reflected in her tresses as they shifted and swayed with her movement. "BAM!" she cried, letting out a youthful giggle.

"We fell...", she continued, her exposed thighs tightening and relaxing in cycles as she raised and lowered, her body mimicking that of a horseback rider in full gallop. "...and yet within me he stayed, my surprise from the Mistress' arrival causing me to clench around him like the softest of fists. I screamed and shrieked in fear. My Mistress continued to fight the urge to vomit at the sight of us. And Wrinkles lay there clutching his chest as he lay dying.... It was both horrible and beautiful."

Her pelvic gyrations slowed and she gave her host a small wink. "He survived and we separated…eventually…, no worries…” Aerin stated, rising to her feet once more. “And I think that the lesson we all three learned that day is best summed up in rhyme, your majesty…

When in old age, you are caught…
In a situation that would be better not…
If given a start…
Which seizes your heart…
Hurry up and get the hell out of her--- house and find a healer!!!”

With a final smirk, she gave another bow. “I have also accidentally been a bit too familiar with my familiar…” she grinned and lifted the flap of her bag to let her small monkey, Cicero, peek out and take his own bow. “But that is a tale for another day. I hope that the one I told you amuses you.” With that, she gave one more bow and excused herself to the sidelines, hips swaying as she did so as if daring anyone present – male or female – to test their fate with the “Poon-O-Doom”

It is a rather mature scene, but this is the story of RP that really happened. You can read about it here in the thread titled A New Rose In Bloom.

[Sunset Theatre Co.]

Sorry I'm late, folks!

Solid entries from both of you, noodleguy and Aerin. Due to the rather disappointing turnout for this event, I'm awarding both of you two fate points for putting forth the effort and trying in my little event.


As for the rest of you...

You broke the king's heart with your disinterest in his plight. I hope you sleep well tonight knowing that he's going to drag you all down to hell with him.