QUEST JUDGING
To Lighten the Load
To make my footnotes short and blunt: You two needed to work together a lot more, and this should've probably been a good bit shorter. The disconnect from first person to third person and the lack of certain actions (more so with Kially) would've been nearly terminated if you two had just...worked together more. You did this more like roleplayers in a chat room than co-op writers on a message board. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, it hurt you because you didn't show much trust or communication in the process: There's absolutely nothing wrong with bunnying one another or with not having equal thread time.
Not to sound mean, of course. Fitz's memoiresque writing style is a nice change of pace from most of the third person folk around here, and Kially is refreshingly Upbeat compared to the Vast Population of Fuck-Ups that make the world go round. You've both got good concepts and good ideas, you just need to better your implimentation of them.
STORY
Continuity: 4. The intro sequences were rough, and while the characters basically stayed consistent throughout, the backstory could've been better.
Setting: 4. Nothing really eyecatching, nothing really awful. Almost made it to a 5, but not quite.
Pacing: 7. Pacing was generally consistent and Fitz actually stumbled into some of the easiest transition sequences I've seen in ages, which bumped your score up a good bit.
CHARACTER
Dialogue: 7. Dialogue was rough, especially early on. You kind of hit your stride about two thirds of the way through.
Action: 5. Nothing stood out, nothing was godawful.
Persona: 6. Barely. I'm honestly torn on this one: Fitz read as some sort of likeable English explorer (with the obvious caveat that he wasn't), while Kially's focus on childlike purity was just...offputting. And there's no easy way to remedy that short of aging him a bit.
WRITING STYLE
Technique: 4. Barely. Your lack of cooperation with each other hurt this pretty bad. The attempted purple prose didn't work too well either.
Mechanics: 4. The transitions from first to third person were jarring and both of you could use some work on grammar (plenty of smaller spelling errors and poor word choices scattered throughout).
Clarity: 4. See above. It improved near the end, but it was like slogging up a muddy hill to get there.
MISCELLANEOUS
Wild Card: 7 for the fact that I kept hearing Fitz's written voice as Stalvan Mistmantle, while his spoken voice was Kevin Conroy's Batman. Not necessarily singing, but...come on. Charming English Axemurdering Cowboy Batman Sings the Blues in the Jungle. Tell me that mental image isn't worthy of of a 7. I fucking dare you.
OVERALL: 52/100
EXP/GP
Fitz gets 630 EXP and 105 gold.
Kially Ganth gets 945 EXP and 105 gold.
Rewards
Fitz gets the Featherweight Leather armor enchantment and the Skin of Temple Blessed Water. Please work out the size and refill times with an RoG mod.
Kially Ganth gets three dice, and an upgrade of +5 pounds to his ability to add or remove weight from things. You'll need to speak to someone else about adding a subforum, preferably Witchblade or an Admin.
Out of Character:
Frequent Problem #332 in 90% of RPs: Both people try to play at once without having a clear starting point. A better intro would be Fitz soloing for about two posts to build the scenery et al, then bring in Kially instead of having their meeting get...I don't know. Lost somewhere. You guys are a bit wordy and I'm a bit stupid from having spent the last couple hours mugging a Spanish language course with a half-brick. Lo siento. It would help if you two had collaborated more: Since Fitz is using first person and Kially third, Fitz should be the viewpoint character and maybe Kially should be the one tasked with scenery. Or something. It's hard for me to explain, but perfectly doable. Maybe both of you could post the same situation from differing viewpoint: Fitz's first for a limited, detailed view, and then Kially's for something broader and less (alternately more) detailed.
Really, the lack of cooperation and forethought is going to hurt you. This thread would make a good model for showing the division between roleplay and co-op writing. Don't be afraid of certainty, of bunnying, and of simple wording!
(Incidentally: Spoken sentence structure's a bit poor. And Kially focuses way, way too much on his character's Perfect Childlike Innocence And Purity, which just makes me want to scream for the /co/ps before the /b/astards get here. I've been lodged in the asshole of the internet for way too long...)
...and some time later, Kially finally loses me with a post dedicated to a seven year old taking a leak in the rain. I have no words for this. D:
Submit Thread for Judgment
