Team Registration - Catholic Mafia

[Kupo!]

Me and Snew are going to team up, Snew Post here to verify please.

Kupo-Po!

[Father Snew]

Why yes good sir. I am indeed that Priest of which yous peak. Walking and talking the word of the Good Lord!

[Kupo!]

It's a day where the world was perfect, every detail made perfect as if it had come out of a book. The sun was bright in the sky with a few fluffy white clouds off in the distance forming shapes of animals and teddy bears and other childlike patterns. The tree's gave off a perfect shade to the neatly trimmed grass that lined the road with a wall of flowers that blossomed brilliantly below the light. Off in the distance would be the laughter of children, and lone wanderers littered the dirt road. Some would run off into the hills, playfully teasing each other before swapping DNA with their mouths, and other extremities when the mood elevated.

For Dom Duke Kupo, kupo extraordinaire today was not one of those days. His perfect world was shattered by the shuffling of masses and curses of many. No, today was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Today Duke was being chased by the righteous ravaging riot of renegade workers all hell bent on destroying the heir to the Toy Maker's long lived legacy.


Why would a pack of wild lunatics be chasing Duke the moogle, a hapless rat with wings and a pom pom to woo the ladies? Well he had the same thought cross his own mind, and to his conclusion he had this to say. "They are racists kupo." Now whether or not that is true isn't why duke is running, a simple flash back can solve that problem.

Duke entered the town about two hours ago, with a song on his moogle lips and an idea to see the world a better place. He promised the hard workers that if they trusted in him with all their stock in Iron and Steel he could create an ore that would be of great value to them nearly tripling their profit all for a third of the profit. It took the entire collected group to realize with math that they would double their profits, and so readily agreed. As the process was started Duke, ever being the great thinker, mixed in the elements to create dehlar 2. Duke had never seen the metal alloy before, but he was 52% positive that this was how you did it. That was of course until Tim, Duke's slightly challenged friend, ran away from his duties of holding the book and ran to chase a butterfly. Duke realized the book was upside down and his original percentage of 52 was actually a mere 25.

That wasn't what Duke promised them, and the end result was akin to a giant batch of dog turd. The metal was ruined, and the town was empty on all their resources for metal. One word lead to another, and Duke ran for it with Tim blissfully unaware as he chased the butterfly.

Which brings us back to where we were when we first began, and chase of moogle vs riot continued in our absence.

"TIM! BLOW THEM ALL AWAY! SNORT THEM OR SOMETHING KUPO!" Duke shouted as his tiny feet pounded the earth kicking up dust in his wake. Ankle biter gripped tightly to Duke's back pack and screamed in alarm the entire time, not really helping the situation. Choco-cat peered out of the bag, and a few of the rioters lost the will to fight, either scared for their life or unable to harm the cute cat.

"Kipo! Why are we running away from the town?" Tim asked.

"Because you held the book upside down, kupo!" Duke replied reaching into his bag for one of his dolls. Ankle Biter bit Duke's paw causing the moogle to scream and the titanium metal muncher pointed to the road as it jumped into the bag searching. Random scraps of paper and trash flew out of the bag as it violently searched for something.

"Buuuuttttt Kiiiipppoooo! I liked that place!" Duke wanted to violently hit Tim, but instead ducked as a beer bottle flew in the air next to Duke's head. "Meanies!" Tim shouted behind himself. "It's your own fault for not looking at the recipe, kipo!" Duke suddenly felt a jolt of hot fear wash down his spear.

Maybe the reason why he was so fearful is obvious, but a flash back may shine more light on the subject. You see, Duke had one stipulation and that was the town never looked at his book. He had very private reflections that if anyone read they would surely laugh. So he never let the town people see it. So naturally the towns people became irate when Tim shouted his verbal jab at their own idiocy. Suddenly out into the air flew a ball with a chain attached to it and Duke grabbed hold of Tim and used his other paw to catch the chain before his feet dangled up into the air.

"ARF ARF ARF ARF!" It bellowed as it propelled them away from the crowd into another where a strange man was talking to them, and looking to piss them off as well.

(Pat, you got my number, i just had a great idea so call me when you see this.)

[Father Snew]

"And the Lord called forth to his disciples, and he encouraged them to come forth and onto the waters. But they did not, except Simon called Peter! He stepped forth believing in his lord, and lo! So was he held aloft on the waves of the sea, and so it was that Simon was troubled, and began to doubt his faith, and in doing so was thrust into the waves!" The words were spoken voraciously. The man holding open a small book was dressed all in black. No vestments of any true religion, at least not as the Althanians recognized it. He was a simple man, a man of many words but one faith. He believed heavily in the Lord God and his only son, Jesus Christ.

But, the crowd would have nothing of it.

"So the guy cast a water walk spell and then released it, big whoop," The voice was rather bored and even the undercurrent of a yawn began to spread forth, before gripping the crowd tightly. Almost as one people began rubbing their eyes as they listened on to the Sermon of this priest.

"Jesus was no heathen! He called forth no magic, he merely created miracles, miracles the likes of which-"

"Any wizard two months in school could recreate."

At this the priest raged as he said, "Coward! Slanderer! You question the truth faith while clutching dearly to your pagan beliefs! They will not save you from the fires of hell! They will not help you when Satan brings you kicking and screaming into the fiery pits, to torment you for your sins! Only in seeking redemption and forgiveness can you hope to escape this fate!"

At that very moment, the sound of loud barking could be heard. Even as Valentine Snew, Catholic Priest of the Cathedral of Christ the Light, could not hope to fathom what was truly going on. A large round ball that looked solid suddenly split wide open as the barking noise continued. Its enormous maw attempting to swallow the sky whole as it bounded through the area, heading strait for the crowd that had gathered for his sermon. Bowling over people while continuing the rampage, Snew saw that two things had occurred. One was that there was a group that had joined the first...

...the second was, both groups were pissed.

It was at this time he remembered the Missionary Class at the seminary, he was told that no matter what, to yell at people would produce no good. It would only serve to anger them when something bad finally occurred. While breaking this cardinal rule he had begun angering the crowd, and with the suddenly influx of angry people, a riot had broken out. Some didn't even stop to consider actions as punches went flying.

"Madre de dios..." He rattled in broken Spanish before he looked around, hoping to figure out how in the seven layers of hell he was going to survive.

[Kupo!]

"OUT OF THE WAY KIPO!!!!!" Tim shouted as Arfy the ball and chain puppy bowled through the crowded mass surrounding the priest. Bodies flew upwards and away until finally the ride ended as Arfy shrunk in size and fell motionless back upon the ground. Duke waved his arms helplessly in the air as he free fell ten feet onto his face.

"Ouchi-wawa kupo!" Duke rubbed his head as he slowly rose to his feet, and the next thing he knew his body rose in the air.

"Alright you little rat with wings!" a very dark voice spoke into the eyes of Duke, a breath so foul he nearly passed out. "What do you have to say you little bastard? HUH!?!?" the stranger shook Duke violently and he made the "ugh ug ug glug" sound as he tried to reply. As Duke was being violently shaken like a baby with future problems in school his titanium titan muncher Ankle Biter crawled out and onto Duke's shoulder. With careful prescion he aimed his claws and snipped the thumb of the aggressor and the mean man screamed in pain grabbing Ankle Biter and tossing Duke aside.

"YOU LITTLE PIECE OF S(KUPO!)T!" He aimed quickly and launched the metal doll out into the air before it soared out of sight.

"You're a big doo doo head kipo!" Tim shouted jumping in front of Duke. "Leave us alone!" The man turned to the mob behind him and laughed.

"Move it retard!" He said making a motion to kick Tim. "I got buisness with this little fuzzball and nothing is going to get into my-"

"WHO THE F(KUPO!)K THROUGH THAT?!?!" A voice shouted into the mob as a group of other people rapidly approached the other mob pushing a man in robes into the center with Duke.

"Go F(KUPO!)k yourself pal!" the leader of the mob that was attacking Duke said. Without a moments pause Ankle Biter hit the man in the face, bounced on the ground into Duke's hands and looked up with eyes full of pride as if it accomplished greatness today.

"Why don't you mind your own business a(KUPO!)hole!" the two crowds began to shout insults before one thing led to another. The next thing Duke knew he was soaring in the air again as the two mobs began to attack each other, some clawing to kill Duke, while others defended him only to get to the man in the robes. Neither side seemed to care who or what they did to accomplish their goals.

It was pandemonium, and Duke was begining to wonder a simple thought:

If he had wings, why didn't he fly?

[Mathias]

Trial Judgement
Catholic Mafia

The only real thing I have to say is the interaction between you two has a lot of potential, especially with the oddities that are your characters. I look forward to seeing your progress in the tournament! Now, onto the judging!

Story: 3.3 / 5
As far as the story goes, I got a pretty clear gist of what everyone was doing and why they were doing it. There was plenty of context given, and nothing I can really nit-pick at, other than a sort of description for your NPCs, Kupo, which I detailed below in Character. It was a bit hastily done, but it couldn't have been helped.

Character: 2.7 / 5
I got a great introduction to what you were doing, Kupo. For that, I can commend you. Giving me context to work with, especially as a reader unfamiliar with your work, is awesome. I was a bit lost as to who your other characters were, though. Like, Tim and Ankle Biter were sort of faceless to me, without any chance to get acquainted with who they were. I did enjoy the humor of your characters, and the antics that ensued.

Snew, I found your character all at once ironically amusing and interestingly bizarre. The concept is one I've seen toyed with in ideas, but your execution of an earthling into Althanas makes for a great character.

Writing Style: 2.9 / 5
Kupo, you have a very informal and sort of fourth-wall breaking style of narration that is both comical and enticing. I really enjoy the way you're able to coax me into the story by the way the narration speaks to me as a reader as well as your appeal to my humor. That being said, with this style, you have some problems with switching tenses, which gets a bit glaring as an error after a while. Also, I would avoid using shortenings of words like "vs," in prose. Spelling it out in its entirety makes it much more readable and aesthetically pleasing. Also, you had a few spelling mistakes and you sometimes substituted the wrong word, like "through," instead of "threw." However, I believe you only need to review and revise a bit more, and problems like that will be easily fixed.

For Snew, I have no real meaty comments or criticisms concerning your writing. There were no extraordinary literary techniques, no real glaring errors or anything I could point out in particular. All in all it was a pretty solid post.

Total: 7.9 / 15