Team Registration: TEAM AWESOME!!! ^^

[ryuhasigawa]

Checkpoint! Time extention gained! +2 days! ^^

Kedjat couldn't say he wasn't disappointed with the reaction he recieved. The man hadn't shown any sign of surprise or fear of having his mind invaded by a spirit. While it was true Kedjat couldn't 'read minds' per se, he was able to 'feel' a person's thoughts. Much less accurate than reading a book, however, it was still beneficial when predicting the patterns of a person and adapting to their own unique thinking pattern.

Nobel Spirit, eh? Ryu, I think I like him! Kedjat laughed menacingly in both their minds. When you first refered to me, it was as if you thought you were going crazy! The dark laugh continued, causing the sword Ryu was holding to hum slightly replicating the dragon's emotions. It was at that moment that the man spoke.

"Hasegawa, Ryu..." Ryu saw the man grip his quarter staff, "Draw your sword!" The man didn't waste any time in clearing the already small gap that was between them. The quarter staff in his hands arched, swinging at Ryu's left side. It wasn't a very origional attack and Ryu was used to having such methods used on him. Exhaling, Ryu loosened himself as his grandfather had taught him. Be like the water, mold around the opponent's attack... His mind replayed as his sword came between himself and the staff. Ryu pushed up on the quarter staff the man was holding with the hilt and he slid underneath to stand on the opposite side of the stick, his blade under the staff and the hilt between him and the pole. Seeing his chance to strike, his whole body tensed for a moment, holding his blade horizontally he stepped forward to strike.

"And then use his attack against him!"

Kedjat 'watched' from the sword. Ryu was a lot like Zane. He adapted well, he had good originality, but when it came down to actually hitting the target... I guess some things just run in the family! Kedjat laughed to himself. He'd have to vilify Ryu for it later.

[Atle]

Zhang moved with the deflection, sliding his rear foot out in a sweeping arc to bring himself to bear before the boy's descending blade. Bringing his quarterstaff to a steep angle he crossed the katana's path, connecting with its flat and knocking it aside.

At that moment he drew his left hand from the yew pole and leaned into the new opening he'd created, delivering a quick chop toward the side of Ryu's neck. He'd not put enough strength behind it to seriously injure him, but certainly knock him off balance if it connected.

He can block, thought Zhang in the spare moments between blows, and that is the most important skill of all.

Ryu Hasigawa showed promise already.

[Max Dirks]

This was a pleasant beginning. I only have a few comments.

Story: 2.7/5 ((Your story was fine, but your interaction was awkward. I've detailed this more in the character section below, but understand it affects the pacing and action categories as well. The only advice I can give to you both is to avoid responding to one another (or to other players in the tournament). Instead, build off of what they have written. Also, sometimes its necessary to provide references within your stories. It is one thing to discover that both of your characters hail from Earth (and I was pleased to learn that is the premise of your connection), but I was disappointed when Alte didn't elaborate on his character's relationship with Vincent Strider and how that related to Zhang knowing how to return to Japan))

Character: 2.5/5 ((You both wrote to your characters, offering incite to how they feel. Ryu, I recommend relying on the old "show, don't tell" mantra, as you often told the reader what your character was thinking rather than letting them discover it. Your interaction was awkward as a result making it unbelievable at times. For example, you would tell the reader one thing in prose, but have your character do something contrary to this. Atle, on the other hand, was repetitive at times. Both things made it hard for the reader to connect to the character))

Writing Style 3.0/5 (Both of you have descriptive writing styles, which helps the reader to create a vivid image of your surroundings. Atle, your writing was pleasing. You have good brevity and conveyed the necessary story and character elements in just as many words as were necessary. Ryu, your writing is also good, but you tend to use too many run-on sentences. Long sentences can be confusing and break the pacing of the writing (or battle). Fortunately this issue happens mostly when you are trying to be descriptive, so I think you can avoid it. Don't forget there are other ways to be descriptive like using dialogue, for example. Since you can use conversation with Ryu, Zhang and Kedjat to be descriptive, use it to help you avoid run-ons.))

8.2/15 or 54.66/100