Team Registration: Kirakage

[KaseiYamanako]

Team name:
Kirakage

Team Members:

Kasei Yamanako http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17857

Xero Hexus http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17871

[KaseiYamanako]

KaseiYamanako: Nightfall of the area was perfect; the area was fit for combat of this sort. The night sky was beautiful with the clouds high up above; the clouds blended perfectly to this dark purple sky that seemed to go on into infinity. Twinkling of the stars made the night much more appealing with the waiting of a great battle to ensue. The land where they fought remained untamed by any man leaving the grass growing wildly, most patches of this dark green grass were near four feet in height, with such dark colors they blended with some of the background leaving a silhouette of a great spiked being of death. Large boulders ten feet high lay across the area, the boulders came in various colors but the most common was a dark gray that stood out just a bit in the night life of this beautiful area doomed to be splattered with blood and the life of another.

How the section of life in this area survived for so long without the touch of man still remained unknown, tree’s of epic proportions grew in the land making the sun’s shine and glow hard to come by unless one was near the top. Most trees in the area were well into the hundreds of feet high, their trunks a beautiful brown and their leaves of various shades of yellow. Trees in this area were almost fable like with their appearance, they moved and swayed to their own tune, the sound of rustling leaving made a tune fine to the ears, almost melody like. The trees were of a special type, they were known for absorbing the wind element easily for some odd reason, also they were created by a special being that was known for their magical power allowing them to change depending on the seasons. Instead of just swapping elements, they simply added on. So added on to the leaves which were yellow and green meaning these great trees absorbed the wind and lightning element completely leaving any lightning summoned absorbed before it ever go the chance to leave the creators body.

A simple breeze passed through the entire area, it was a lone in the upper part of the trees there was a somewhat quick rustle as few leaves dropped down to the ground now. Smaller branches snapping as a mysterious weight was put upon them, falling down to the ground with a light thud the branch made just a small echo now as the forest seemed completely empty except for that one thing moving through the trees above. Light foot steps echoed off the trunks of the trees, with each step made the trees rocked from side to side off the simple amount of power this being possessed. Touching down on the ground below there was no sound as the being known by the name Kasei Yamanako appeared, arms across his chest he'd lean back against the tree he was just using as his step stool. Taking in a breath he exhaled out "Xero should be here..."

[Xero Hexus]

A long period of time had passed since the last spotting of the Mighty Paladin, Xero Hexus. Over the years he had chose to keep his location hidden from the world, for he trusted nothing and no one at all on the face of this acursed planet. Long had he wished to end every last person and thing upon this planet, but to do this, he had needed power. Embarking on a journey to find the ultimate source of power, Xero traveled the world, demolishing anyone or thing that dared to cross his path. He had a reputation of being cold-hearted, but he didn’t care, this only meant more would stray away from him.

"Cursed bushes, Why must you keep my destination from me." Xero said. He knew he was running tad bit late for the mock battle with Kasei, and wanted to get there already. He had began to grow tired of this forest. The cries of wolves and other animals rang through the dark forest as Xero continued to make his way through it. He suddenly stopped and thought of something. "Why am I traveling on the ground? The trees would be much faster..." With that, He pushed off with his right foot and jumped into the tree on his right side.

As he ran atop the trees, he began to wonder what exactly was taking Kasei so long to arrive. Cursing to himself, he continued to run amongst the trees, looking in all directions for Kasei. Xero suddenly stopped moving. His eyes instantly darted to the ground below him, " I sense a presence..." He said softly. Swiftly, yet quietly, Xero descended from the trees above, and landed onto the earth below with a small thud. Looking up from his crouched position, He would spot a being nearby leaning agaisnt a tree. Smirking to himself, he would rise to his feet and walk within fourteen feet of the being. "Kasei..about time..." He said in his dark voice. "Let's get started..Sensai.."

Swiftly he would summon his Shadows to him, their dark veil almost incasing his body within them. His "Shadow Eyes" Slowly shifted to stage two. Reddish like tint now took over Xero's eyes as he held out his palms. From within his left palm, The Shadows would gather into an orb-like state. to whereas in his right palm, Light magic would congregate. The magic in both palms would begin to seep out and around Xero's arms, followed by his frame. Once this was completed, Xero would jump backwards about another five feet. While in mid-air, he would cross his arms across his chest, and then jerk them back outwards again. The Light and Dark magic would pulse, and then radiate off of Xero’s palms towards Kasei in a wave like state. The wave moved towards Kasei at a speed of two-hundred and ten miles per hour, and only took half a second to perform. Xero landed without a sound and readied himself for Kasei’s counter attack.

[KaseiYamanako]

Leaning back against this tree Kasei stood cooly, he never took anything seriously, be it a death match or a game of cards. "Life is too short to take things so seriously" he always said to those who asked him why he always was calm within the most tense situations. Closing his eyes now the mix of black and white would now begin to work, sending his eyes into the very first stage of his Twilight manipulation. Behind the lids of his eyes the light within his eyes began to over take the darkness, concentrating itself into a condensed slits to form his eyes now Kasei reopened his eyes. Reopening his eyes now it'd seem that Xero was near him, the blue aura within his mind growing and moving Kasei began to count "3...2....1..." at the end of "1" Xero's body touched down upon the ground with just a small noise, a bit louder to Kasei's ears due to his wolf senses.

Closing his eyes once more Kasei felt Xero walking closer, with each step the echo made louder against Kasei's sensitive ears. Knowing he'd need to negate this noise his body began to cover with the translucent aura of the Twilight, coming from within his body the aura started up by his hair. Covering his hair the aura began to make the white tips of Kasei's hair glow, as it came down closer to the root of his hair the white tips glow began to fad as the jet black color took over. Creeping down his body the aura then made it's way past his shoulders, chest and waist. Hitting his tails the white streaks also began to glow, continuing past and down his legs the translucent aura seemed to lift Kasei's body up off the floor as it now acted as his own. No longer would he have to follow the laws of gravity, he was his own now.

Now having a buffer against the sounds Kasei was now ready, his tails now sweeping against the ground kicking up dust they began to bore into the ground. Tossing chunks of ground to either side of his body Kasei sat up off the tree, moving from side to side now Xero formed these orbs within his hand. The beast within made Kasei wish to chase, to destroy now as Xero began to make these movements. Reading over the power with his eyes Kasei easily differed the power "Dark and Light" he growled out from under his breath, "I hope he doesn't expect that to stop me.." watching Xero flip backwards now Kasei began to move. Placing both of his plams together he pulled them apart as Xero began to move his arms across his chest, forming within the space of his plams Kasei formed the right handed saber Usumidori. Bracing himself Kasei twisted the his body to the right side as he held the blade reverse style, the waves of dark and light energy coming towards him now a grin came across his face.

Twisting his body back now towards these waves the Twilight blade came up in a verticle slice that would easily split these waves that came towards him in half. Sliding his left leg out as his body twisted it'd meet the tree trunk, even with such power behind his slide he was within his Twilight making his connection with the tree seem like that of a feather upon it. Kicking his leg off the tree now Kasei pushed himself off the tree towards Xero, moving his body would seem to leave short after images that last for a split second or two. Placing his dual bladed saber in front of his body he'd approach Xero from a frontal attack, bringing his left hand up from his side Kasei pushed down upon the end of the hilt making it jerk upwards to do a simple verticle strike up the center of Xero's body.

[Xero Hexus]

After firing his "Magic Wave", Xero remained airborn for another few seconds. He figured that Kasei wouldn't try anything really fancy, just a simple dodge or counter attack But he was wrong. Before Xero would have the chance to land once more, he spotted Kasei moving at his regular fast pace. He could only watch as Kasei would summon one of his infamous Twilight blades, and easily slice through Xero's wave. Kasei then made his way onto a tree, and pushed off of it heading towards Xero's position now, still in mid-air. If he didn't act fast, Kasei's blade would most certainly collide, and that wouldn't be good. Stretching his left arm out now, Xero opened his palm once more and fixated his energy to that one specific area. Shadows would begin to converge in the center of his palm, molding themselves into what resembled a long staff.

Turning his body to face Kasei fully, Xero held out his "Shadow Staff" in the direct path of Kasei's Twilight Blade, holding it horizontally with both hands. Once they would collide, Xero would flinch just a little, feeling both weapons collide and their powers as well. After the collision would happen, Xero would learn forwards on his Shadow Staff, before pushing off of it with the help of his arm muscles. Xero would launch himself backwards, once more making a gap between him and Kasei. He landed about another seven or eight feet from Kasei. In the shadow's of the bushes now, Xero crept down low. He was pretty sure Kasei knew his current position though, but just incase he remained within the shadows. Xero then held his right hand infront of his face, snapping his fingers. The snap would cause the Shadow Staff to vanish into nothing but it's original state, Shadows.

While in the bushes, Xero had a chance to think. He began to consider his options from his current position. He could either blow his cover and commence with an attack, or he could play it smooth and wait for Kasei to through the next punch, instead of him doing it himself. Xero knew that having the element of surprise wouldn't work anyhow. "Damn wolf ears..." Xero thought to himself. He thought about trying out another wave like before, but after seeing how easily Kasei was able to plow through that, completely wiped that idea from Xero's mind. "Maybe..a Shadow attack....Or Shadow Dragons..?" Xero thought again. But he knew that summoning his Shadow Dragons would atleast take a minute or two, which was something he didn't have. He sighed slightly and stood from the bushes, making himself known. His plan was to allow Kasei the next blow, rather than him wasting all of his energy.

[KaseiYamanako]

Done I suppose because of the word limit, hope you have fun reading.

[Mathias]

Trial Judgement
Kirakage

Let me start off by saying that I believe there is much untapped potential here, hampered by several things. The first is the word limit, and this trial was imagined in a scope that went beyond that limit. Had it been allowed more, I felt it would've stabilized into a much more solid battle. The second is, what seems to me, to be a lack of revision and proofreading. As much as I've hated hearing it, and as much as I know it sucks to have it stressed, going over and tweaking what you've written is a sure-fire way to mine the raw potential that you have as a writer. With that being said, I wish you guys luck in the tournament, and hope that my judging, though tough, will be able to help you challenge yourselves and rise to the occaision to kick some serious ass in the tournament. On to the judging!

Story: 3 / 5
For the most part, I think that this score suffered most in the sense of context and continuity. I didn't get much of an idea as to why they were there, other than to have a mock fight and to train. No real reason was given. However, the action and pacing of the thread picked up that slack and took the thread into high gear, which helped pull up the anchor a bit, so to speak. All in all, I felt it would've been much more in-depth had it been allowed to continue, and I look forward to seeing your work as you continue to grow and be challenged in this tournament.

Character: 2.2 / 5
As far as Kasei goes, I didn't get quite as much of a grasp on character as I did with Xero. He alluded to a bit more reasoning for his presence, as I noted above. I felt that the emphasis on the action took away from the interaction of the characters, of which there wasn't a whole lot. So the characterization suffered, although I still got a bit out of the sense of pride and ambition Xero had, and the worryless warrior vibe I get from Kasei.

Writing Style: 2.3 / 5
Kasei, let commend you on your imagery, especially in describing the trees, the field, and the night-time. However, you seem to have two recurring problems that I've noticed. The first is a lack of variety in terms. Examples of this being like the very first sentence of your post: "Nightfall of the area was perfect; the area was fit for combat of this sort. The night sky was beautiful with the clouds high up above; the clouds blended perfectly to this dark purple sky that seemed to go on into infinity." Although they're only twice a piece, area, sky, and clouds are reused in quick succession. Using a thesaurus would help, but the diversity of your words helps lend to the verbosity of your text without bearing it down with too much description. Your second problem is run on sentences. Personally, I think they are fine at times, and only when they really lend themselves to the narrative. For the most part, however, it seems to be a case of just not stopping. You have a few punctuation errors, but a lot of it also stems from just not snipping your sentences up - all it takes is a little revision and look-over.

Xero, you have a very similar problem to Kasei, as far as vocabulary goes. There are instances where you could have substituted synonyms for words that you kept repeating. In essence, it dulls the color and vividness of the description when you rehash the same several nouns and verbs repeatedly. Also, towards the end of your post, you switched tenses from past to future, then back to past, in a sort of odd way to describe your character's actions that I think detracted from the flow of the battle, making it less organic. Somewhat reminding me that of a played-out battle than a narration of a fight, if you understand what I mean.

Total: 7.5 / 15