Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.
Story (1.9/5)
~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~
~When you write, remember to give us some background, some continuity to why you are there, who you are, where you came from, and all questions like that. Without that we, as readers, have no chance to understand what the situation going on is for, how you both know each other, or questions of that nature. Why are you two fighting? Where did you come from? Who are you? Things like that need to be answered at least a little during the thread, even if it’s not answered in the first post you can write it out as you go. Neither of you gave me a deep insight into the setting. I know it was a lit arena, and night time, though not sure what time exactly because it was confusingly worded. I noted it in the general notes below. As for the pacing, it seemed off, like some parts were suddenly rushed while others (like the opening) were slow. Try and transition into the fight, or at least explain why it’s so abruptly and suddenly taking place. You can use the way you phrase your writing as a good way of working the reader into the pace as well. Short sentences normally mean that your character is getting stressed or rushed, whereas longer sentences can often give the feel of the ‘calm before the storm’ type thing.
Character (1.8/5)
~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~
~Edward, your dialogue after taking a hit square to the chest with a shield is normally spit out in a cough, or at least comes out rough. A full grown adult, slamming into you with 10 feet of momentum built up, especially directly in the chest, would be a pain for anyone. Other than that, both of you seemed to throw in dialogue that was forced, out of place. Things like “Oh, and I promise not to go easy on you, if you can promise the same to me" (which is missing a period at the end), is overly used and not really something that ever normally fits the characters speaking it. However, I also didn’t really get enough character and persona to gage whether either of you would say the things you did. Edward explained that he never attacked first, but not why. Persona goes back to continuity, and is related to many different areas in the judgment. Keep in mind that without showing me who your character is, I won’t know. The action between you two was good, though a person charging Edward from only 10 feet, would undoubtedly get there JUST AS he cast his lighting attacks. The time it would take to think to attack, summon the spell (even instantaneously) and cast them would be about maybe a split second before the shield hit you. Also, how did you cast two bolts with one of your hands holding a sword? Explain things like this so we can get a little bit more clarity as to how it works, instead of it just happening.
Writing Style (1.5/5)
~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~
~There weren’t really any advanced techniques used, try and use some of them to spice up the story. A simile there, a metaphor here, alliteration even helps. Without them it’s a somewhat bland piece of writing that may cause the interest of the reader to quickly pass, which is the opposite of what you are aiming for with your threads. I’m sure careful consideration and reading over the posts after you write them will help you with that as well. There were many mechanical issues, which I have noted in the General Notes below, which could have easily been avoided by running your post through Word or some other type of software like it. Remember, proofreading your threads after you’re done writing them helps a lot, but after you do that, take a step away from your computer, then come back and read it again to make sure that you caught what you may have missed the first time. You don’t have to rush the posts, so take your time and read through them again so that simple mistakes can be avoided! Due to the mistakes, the clarity of the writing was also hurt. And without any background or personalities expressed the story’s clarity was also hard to follow. Try and fix those simple things and I’m confident you’ll do fine with your writing later on.
Total: (5.4/15)
General Notes
~ “shadows across floor due” [1]~ “Across [the] floor”
~ “as she glanced at the newly risen moon fair off in the distance” [1]~ If it’s ‘after the 12th hour’, how is it a newly risen moon? It should be at its apex in the sky, right overhead if it’s midnight. Remember to take the time to read over your posts so that you can avoid little things like this. It should also be “Far” not “Fair”.
~ “'Might as well sit down and wait no use in having my eye burned out by these lights,' as her steel studded sounded through the amphitheater.” [1]~ “As her steel studded sounding…” steel studded what sounded? Missing a word. Also, the non-italics that followed the thought are something that doesn’t fit. If you put a period at the end of the thought, and then write a new sentence about sitting and the steel studded (whatever) sounding, it will flow a little better. You also missed a comma after “and wait”.
~ “Laureola’s glace turned to the winding path that led to this little hole in the ground when she heard leather- shod footsteps through her own and say the figure of her prospective almost here.” [1]~ Going to reformat this so that it’s correct instead of writing out what’s wrong with it. “Laureola’s [glance] turned to the winding path that led to [the] little hole in the ground when she heard leather-shod footsteps through her own[,] and say the figure of her prospective [was] almost [there].” That’s just a suggestion of what to do to help the sentence be a bit more clear and easy to follow. It’s a bit of a run on, so I suggest going back and reading over it, splitting it up enough so that it keeps the flow you were writing but at the same time is more smoothly read.
~ “His opponent was a Legionnaire at this dark hour,” [2]~ you can do without ‘at this dark hour’, it is a little confusing, and using ‘this’ is present tense.
~ “That was why Edward was here” [2]~ ‘why Edward was [there]’, present tense used instead of past.
~ “were up against could easily lead to a loss in his opinion.” [2]~ “were up against could easily lead to a loss[,] in his opinion.” Missed a comma which makes it a bit unclear.
~ “Oh, and I promise not to go easy on you, if you can promise the same to me" [2]~ Missed a period.
~ “Stopping ten feet short of Edward Laureola abruptly did an about face, drew her Gladius,held it to her forehead to salute the stage and barked, “Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!!” [3]~ This is a run on sentence, as well as missing a comma and without a space. It should read: “Stopping ten feet short of Edward[,] Laureola abruptly did an about face[.] [She] drew her Gladius, held it to her forehead to salute the stage and barked[:] “Ave, Caesar, mrituri te salutant![]” Comma, a period to split it from a run-on, and then when you write out dialogue as the end of a sentence you need to separate it with something other than a comma. Proper punctuation and proofreading will help this out, since it’s not a hard mistake.
~ “hamata” [3]~ What is a hamata? I don’t know historically inclined words, and without a description (even a note in OOC at the end) the reader doesn’t know either. Though both myself as a judge and the reader can go look it up, you should be able to blend words like these (words specific to your character) into the thread without making the reader stop to figure out what a hamata is.
~ “One would hope we stop before someone is hurt, but you’ll have your show.” Before “show” was out of her mouth, Laureola broke into a controlled charge” [3]~ After the dialogue you need to start a new paragraph since what follows “Before ‘show’” is a new train of thought.
~ "Nice shot, not many can hit me on thier first attempt, nowadays." [4] The sentence is not grammatically correct, not technically a sentence but a fragment instead. ‘Their’ is spelt wrong. And you don’t need the comma after ‘attempt’ since it breaks it up even more forcing the reader to pause unnecessarily.
~ “While the missile aimed at Laureola’s armor was thankfully absorbed by her shield with little damage other then angry webbed scorch marks that ran through one of the painted perched eagles, the one aimed at her face hit home.” [5] You missed a comma after ‘damage’ and before ‘other’.
Addendum to the Notes added by Alias after review:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limelight
I know I'm nitpicking, but they seem overly out of place and out of time without proper story. Limelights were invented after the effect was discovered in the 1820s, and yet Laureola is dressed as a roman (and is all for Caesar) while Edward wields a rapier (which was almost a relic by that time in history (by 1715 it had been replaced by the smallsword)).
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