Team Name: Zetsumei
Team Members:
The Beautiful and Deadly Lady Qaron
The Charming and Destructive Kalar
Arena Exclusion (if applicable -- see the ToC Rules and Regulations thread for more details): We would like to opt out of Modern-Future Arena prompts.
And now onto our trial. If you would like to start us off M'dear Qaron?
Out of Character:
With a low howl the cold breeze blew through the building, swirling around broken down furniture and half destroyed walls. The building was part of an expansive set of ruins that had not seen use for years. In their day the ruins had been a bustling center for an ancient tournament. People from all around would come just for the privelege of competing. Now though the place was in decay from disuse. The tournament sponsors had not held a tournament in many years, and few came to visit the place these days.
Somewhere near the heart of the ruins, a man stood very still in a doorway, staring at the decrepit ruins of what seemed to once be a very nice room. In one corner the remains of a large 4 post bed lay, ripped apart by local animals, the wooden frame decayed beyond recognition. All around the room, decayed wooden frames layed in shambles, some were once weapons and armor racks, others were dressers and desks and chairs. But the man's attention was obviously on the ruins set against one entire wall. Layer upon layer of decayed shelving and broken glass lay across the length of the wall to the right of the door. With a slight sigh the figure moved over to the rubble and began sifting through some of it with his foot. As he looked, a glint of light off of glass caught his eye. Leaning down he reached out and moved a few pieces of rotten wood. Now revealed to the small ray of light coming through the crack in the ceiling, a single unbroken bottle of wine lay covered by a thick layer of dust, the rotten wood having cushioned its fall. Beside it, as if set there by fate, stood two fine wine glasses, caked in dust but otherwise untouched. Smiling, he reached down to pick them all up, his black skin catching the light as he gently picked each one up and dusted it off with his hands.
Having stood, Kalar shook his head at the state of his old room. With the wine bottle tucked under one arm, and the glasses held gently in his left hand, he made his way through the rubble to the door. With one last glance at the room he stepped out into the hallway. A few minutes later he emerged from the building into a central garden. Although garden hardly covered it. It was more like a miniature forest set in a large open area encircled by the buildings of the ruins. The garden had slowly encroached on the buildings until it seemed to be lord of the now desolate ruins.
Slowly the drow made his way to the center of the garden to and area he knew well. There, at the far edge of a clearing, stood an open portal, swirling with a mixture of purple and black. What he had been told was true. This portal was here, in these ancient ruins of a long forgotten tournament, and would supposedly take him to an even more expansive tournament. One where he could once again hone his abilities against the best of the best.
With a smile he set the glasses down gently on the grass, setting the bottle between them and gently popping the cork out. Crouched down he waited, knowing she would come. The thrill of battle would lure her here just as it had him. It always did. This, the place where they first met, and others like them, were where they always met one another. Here they would meet, and here they would follow each other through to another world of fighting.
Slowly he poured some of the wine into the two glasses...and he waited.
Out of Character:
Last edited by Kalar; 12-30-08 at 11:10 AM.
She sighed as she stood amidst the large mass of ruins that had once been the great arena that she had battled in so many times. That she had won in so many times. A certain sense of nostalgia and almost sadness trickled through her entire being, but only for a moment. She was not the sort of creature to be sad for long, though there was something about this place that stirred so many emotions within her. Qaron had spent a greater portion of her life drifting around these once magnificent corridors, rooms and arenas. She idly remembered, as she picked her way across the decaying arena, that the Zetsumei Complex had a massive library. She had spent much time in that library. She had met him there.
Qaron wandered back through the debris, climbing out of the arena steadily, as if she was very weary. She was weary, worn down by the waves of memories that kept beating at her. She was suddenly feeling very much her age, and very, very tired. When she reached the central courtyard of the ruins, she froze. There was no one in her field of vision, but a smile crept across her features. “You still smell Kalar,” she growled. “You drows always smell like damp.” She turned, her face impassive, hiding the happiness she felt well up inside her. She didn’t have many friends, and the few she did have she didn’t see very often, so she was immensely glad to see this one.
They had actually been lovers at one point. Kalar had been the one to pick up the pieces of her when her lover had disappeared without a word. Kalar had been a good friend to her, at first, and the more time they spent together, the stronger their emotions for one another became. Eventually, and unfortunately, it had fizzled, when Qaron had to leave. She wasn’t good at relationships, so they only lasted so long before Qaron felt the urge to move on, no matter how she loved the person. Generally, the person she loved usually died before the urge to move on, but not so with Kalar. He had been unusually persistent and hard to get rid of. She had managed however, but to her surprise, they had remained friends.
Qaron gestured to the two wine glasses. “One of those is mine, I assume?”
Without even looking up in her direction he smiled, hiding it with the action of finishing pouring his own wine glass. "But of course M'dear. Isn't it always?" Setting the bottle down next to him he gave it an odd look before carefully recorking it. "Hadn't noticed before... Same vintage we always used to drink." With a mental chuckle he carefully sets it to his side. "Who knows, maybe it will be around next time we are."
Standing up, a glass in each hand he slowly turned towards where her voice came from, blanking his face as he turned to hide his joy from the fact that he had been right in assuming she would come. Under his calm exterior a well of emotions attempted to boil over, and he carefully tamped it down, knowing well that those days were over. Not many people would befriend a drow, and of those, few were as long lived as the elven race. Best to not run off those that were both. Holding out one of the glasses towards her he nods to the surroundings.
"Such a shame that this grand place has fallen into such disarray. Who knows, perhaps I'll settle down and restore it some day if I live that long." With a sudden twinkle in his eye he turned his head to look at the portal. "But not today. Today I go where I believe you to be headed. Through there. To another grand arena. Another of the places we are drawn to. More foes to defeat and more things to pass the time." Looking back at her he smirks slightly. "Of course, correct me if I am wrong."
The wine glass freed itself from Kalars hand and crossed the waiting distance between them in only a few moments. Her keen sense of smell had already begun casting the aroma of the wine around in her aged brain, whistling out some of the cobwebs, trying to figure out why the smell was so familiar, and so comforting. A memory slipped past her eyes; the drow standing, startled by his bedside, and her standing on the other side of it, naked, bleeding and wet after just having smashed through his window after hunting. His shock had turned into an eerie serene calm, and he had offered her his bedsheet and some of the same wine they were drinking now. She couldn't help but smile at the memory. "You think too loudly, as usual Kalar," she said, raising the glass, but not drinking it.
Qaron snorted in disbelief at his words. "This place was never grand. It was a breeding ground for bad romances and pitiful fighting. There were only a few who were worthy of that arena, and that arena is all I cared for. I hope that should you restore it, you choose a better caste of competitors then your predecessor." She poured the wine out on the grass. "You have heard of the new tournament, I assume?" she asked. Kalar nodded. "Of all people I thought that you would be one of the few who would rise to the occasion." She looked around the old ruins one more time, thankful her eyes betrayed no emotion, but the tightness of her features clearly showed that she cared more about this place then she let on.
"Would you escort a lady to the tournament, Kalar?" she asked, with some measure of decorum.
Good day. I’ve read over your entry. Below is my score, some of the logic behind it, and some comments for future improvement of your writing.
Story: 2.0/5
In this brief sample, you get a glimpse into the background of the characters albeit a very general one. The setting is very minimal though. Ruins in a forest is about as far as you get. A sentence or two describing the trees or the stonework would go a long way towards helping me picture the scene. The slow, gentle pacing fitted this thread of remembrance and reunion. I think a little more conversation and a little less memory might have served the scene better.
Character: 2.5/5
In this sample dialogue and action are largely the same writing so I will judge them together. Both of you give the impression of age rather well but fall into the trap of telling not showing. The conversation feels like two friends that don’t need a lot of words between them. Unfortunately, that gives me very little to get a handle of their personalities and relationship. A good skeleton is there but it really needed some fleshing out. I did like Qaron pouring out the wine instead of drinking it. A nice way of saying she was done with the past without saying it.
Writing Style: 2.5/5
On the technical front, both of you need to watch for using the same words over and over. Kalar, read over your first two paragraphs and note how many times you use the words ruins or ruined. Qaron, check your second paragraph for weary and very. Some variation in the word choice would have helped the flow. Similarly, there is a lot of he, he, he and she, she, she when describing your actions. Varying that up with using the name or a descriptive title like, the drow or the warrior, would help with that.
The grammar and punctuation is good but be careful of proper comma usage with all the complex sentences that you use. I had a clear picture of what was going on at all times. That can be tricky with a mixture of memory and present day but you handled it well.
Total: 7/15
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