Team Registration - The Whole Glory

[Shadowed]

Team:

The Whole Glory

Members:

Hvastillitr SvartgrÃ*ma

Honuse Relaiyent

[hr]

Bunnied Hvastillitr putting a hand on Honuse's arm, used with permission.

Far beyond the seemingly infinite nothingness, a bastion of life, crossroads to the universe, sat flourishing in the abyss. Untold multitudes of people, of all forms and species, even beyond the vast knowledge of the Lawmaker, went about their business, in preparation for the events to come. It was here that Thor, lord of warfare to the northern people, had commanded his servants to the Whole Glory, the reaping of worthy souls unto the great halls of Valhalla.

Honuse Relaiyent, his exceedingly tall and muscled bulk encased within thick leather armor, sporting an assortment of blades about him - most notably a pair of short blades protruding from the top of each arm - strode through the cobblestone paths of the city. In his mind, the smoke-filled expanse of his gaze allowed him to perceive all that was around him, when he had not the eyes to see. The man, though human in name only, was the Elect of the Gods, and did not care to suffer through the trivialities of a tournament to slay the worthy few to be found here. For it was with the barest trace of a smile visible from under his executioner’s mask, that he pulled a pair of short swords, one from each calf, and turned to attack the nearest armed passerby.

However, his companion in this endeavor, a dvergr of the name Hvastillitr, did not seem to share the enthusiasm for random slayings that the Lawmaker did. He laid a cautious hand upon the giant, an unspoken warning that they had been tasked to journey together, bound by purpose at the will of the gods. Turning to the dwarf, Honuse Relaiyent shrugged off the touch, bringing himself nose to nose with the one he saw as an unnecessary weight to bear, despite having a firsthand knowledge of the being’s martial prowess, having defeated him in single combat at the behest of his lord.

“Your presence upon this day is a punishment for your crimes, payment for your wretched misdeeds. Though no such honor was placed upon my shoulders to command you, it is indeed my purpose to lead in this glorious task. You would do well to not hinder me.�

Yet the dwarf said nothing, leaving his open defiance the only testament needed of his unwillingness to relent on this matter. With the hint of an internal sigh, the Lawmaker nodded slowly, saying, “Very well. Best me with steel alone, and your qualms will be justified in my eyes.�

Offering no formality or pause, Honuse Relaiyent struck, flashing his blades in a roundabout pattern, striking at the sides to limit the potential counterattacks his companion could offer.

[Logopolis]

They had passed through the Ginnungagap. He assumed they had, at least, because wherever he was now, it was certainly not in any of the Nine Worlds. It had been a peculiar experience, and one he was in no particular hurry to repeat (being currently unsure as to whether some of his more important vital organs had accompanied him on his trip through the void).

Fighting an overpowering compulsion to retch up the contents of his stomach (which, at least, had decided to tag along) where he stood, he surveyed his surroundings, which proved to be something of a mistake, as it did nothing to reduce the uneasiness of the journey. Things... changed around him. The people, at least, seemed to be real, but he could barely catch a glimpse of any particular feature of the landscape before it had mutated beyond recognition. He could have been in a city, but then again, it might have been a field, or the forecourt of some grand hall, or even, for one especially unsettling moment, the land of the fire giants. Here, he was foreign. Dvergar were creatures of rock and the earth, and in this bizarre, transient land, the absence of their reassuring solidness and longevity was something of a weight on his mind.

His one current connection to the earth and stone of the Nine Worlds was the one he had passed through the void with, a creature as redolent of rock as just about any other he had encountered (save for the obvious exception of the stone-trolls), for although Hvastillitr of the dvergar was himself tall and broad by any mortal standard, his partner was a mountain even to him, and a heavily armed one at that. If he had a name, he alone was privy to the knowledge. To the dwarf, he was simply the Lawmaker, half jailer and half brother in battle.

At present, the Lawmaker seemed to have lost sight of their original commandments, and stood with blades drawn, a pair of ugly, blackened things, more instruments of butchery than true swords, poised with apparent intent to attack anything that had the misfortune to wander too close to him. This attitude troubled the dwarf; for all his battle-prowess, the Lawmaker was, by all available account, breathtakingly impatient. But they had been given specific commands: bring only the worthy. They would have to prove themselves before they could be harvested. He placed a warning hand on the creature's arm, placing enough of his decay there to grab some attention if not to harm, and received an angry tirade for his pains. He expected this much, but he did not expect what came next.

“Very well. Best me with steel alone, and your qualms will be justified in my eyes.”

It was all that he could do to dodge the swords as they came biting to his flanks. He knew the extent of the Lawmaker's strength, and such blows would have easily cut him in three, something he did not wish to chance here, where the immortality of the dvergar in the Nine Worlds was uncertain. He crouched into a fighting stance, Mörkharmr in hand, the gently curving blade of the long polearm glinting with an almost eager sheen in the rapidly intensifying light of whatever passed for day in this place, ready to face the monstrousity once more.

“As you wish, then. But it shall be steel. Not Yingvi's trickery or Thor's borrowed power from you, none of the cunning of my people from me. Steel and blood, no more.”

[Shadowed]

Whatever lone god deigned to offer light upon the face of this land, be it Sol, meandering from his celestial path, or some other such being that fancied itself relevant in service, was rising ever higher in an attempt to gaze upon the tournament village. It rose until the shadows cast beneath the two combatants ceased to stretch off upon the path, the better to observe the conflict. Those who had previously been content to go about their business in peace were now fleeing, not caring to find a reason for this sudden outbreak of violence; all that mattered was not being caught in the widely swung blows of this abomination of a man, terrible and mighty in stature.

The village, colored in hues of pewter and auburn, had an innately rustic feel to it, belying the violence now taking place on its outskirts. Honuse Relaiyent, having retreated from his initial gambit, changed the grip with which he held his blades; his right-hand sword stayed in a traditional hold, but the opposite he rotated, holding it with the blade parallel to his forearm, the better to fend off the quick thrusts he knew were likely to come from the wicked polearm his companion wielded.

The leather of his gauntlets creaked as he flexed his grip, preparing to strike once more; his opponent, wielding such a lengthy weapon, had ample reach on the Lawmaker, requiring him to close within the inner circle of defense possible with such a construct. He would be powerless until he penetrated the first hole that became apparent in the dvergr’s defenses, most likely to come from a single slip, bringing the effective edge of his polearm out of play long enough for a quick strike.

It was with this in mind that Honuse Relaiyent feinted to the left, before ducking back to the right; a fast rotation on his right foot gave him the power to launch a mighty swing with his right-hand blade. The raven edge swept daringly across the chest of the dwarf; the likely outcome would be a simple block upon the middle of the haft, which was why the former abomination brought his left fist up behind the right, aiming a deft knuckle-punch up past the polearm, aiming his strike for the chin of his opponent. The blade, still clutched in his left hand, flashed through the air, likely to strike the dwarf’s knuckles, even as the fist connected with bone. The glimmer of triumphant joy that crossed the Lawmaker’s face, however, was at best premature.

[Logopolis]

The first attack came at him like a battering ram, but he turned the haft of the Mörkharmr to meet it. The blow was not one of the Lawmaker's strongest: he had felt this before, and it had broken his weapon in two just a short time ago. Comparatively weak as the strike was, it still set his bones vibrating, his knees bending marginally under the force.

TÃ*ll would not deny the Lawmaker his strengths. Fighting him was like trying to keep a highly mobile, sword flailing brick wall at bay, and he judged that the man could easily crush a skull with one massive hamlike fist. If the legends were true, he was well over five centuries in age, and by rights his sheer experience should put him at a distinct advantage. But fighting for six consecutive days with him had taught him something vital about the Lawmaker's ability. He didn't seem to be able to learn. He was a fine fighter, as good as any other that the dwarf had encountered in his long years, but his skill seemed to spring straight from some facet of instinct rather than from training and discipline, as though his brain tuned into some spectrum beyond normal thinking. If one was unprepared for the onslaught, it was genuinely terrifying. If, on the other hand, they were, then he quickly became predictable. He had blocked the right-hand and if he had judged poorly, he might very well be killed in the next few seconds. If he had judged well, however, then the left would be-

Something black moved in the corner of his vision. Yes.

The blade never had the chance to finish its arc. Before it had even undercut the haft of his polearm, Hvastillitr kicked out with his right foot, which connected satisfyingly with something soft directly in front of him. So he is a man still. The Lawmaker's empty eyesockets seemed to widen slightly, if that were possible, and in that moment his guard was gone. TÃ*ll seized his chance, driving his right shoulder into the Elect's chest with all the force he could muster, toppling the giant onto his back. The dwarf stepped forward, resting Mörkharmr's blade against the creature's neck. The victory was his.

“One fight to you, and one to me. We are equal, and I will not be bidden. You will find no aid from Sól here, nor will you find me wanting for strength and skill. We will do this deed as brothers, or not at all.”

[Shadowed]

The Lawmaker, unaccustomed throughout the centuries to defeat, could scarcely believe the position he now found himself in. This dvergr, hidden blight of the mountains, renowned for naught but their skill at the forge, had driven the Mountain of the Gods to his back, had pressed cold steel to the armor protecting his neck. The impossible had been done, and as such, Honuse Relaiyent was bound by honor to keep his word.

“Very well, Till,” He said, placing the barest hint of disdain at the familiar term of his companion, “we will fight as brothers, for naught but the Whole Glory. But know this; though you have won this equality, do not seek to test my resolve for the sharing of power. We go as brothers, yet I remain the eldest before Thor. Keep this in whatever blackened forge serves as your heart.”

[Ataraxis]

As judged by Ataraxis, with scores and comments discussed and agreed upon by Ebivoulya and Tristam, the members of Panel B.

Trial Judging
Team 'The Whole Glory'

Hello to the both of you! I’ll be your judge this evening. This trial was short (relatively) and sweet, and quite enjoyable to read. Just a little bit over 2000 words also, so obviously no penalties. I’ll let the rubric do the rest of the talking!

Story –3.75/5

I know that Honuse was sent to kill and reap the souls of worthy warriors to fill Vallhalla, and that Till, after being defeated by Honuse, was obligated to follow him on this endeavour. While I expected to learn a bit more about their unlikely association (perhaps a short reference to the trial that occurred in Logopolis’ profile history), I think you both did well enough for a trial. Their identities and motivations for coming to the tournament were clear, though Till was a bit more of a mystery than Honuse. Still, you both wrote a very engaging prelude to the actual tournament battles.

The setting was accurately described in the earlier posts, though it became a vast stretch of emptiness during the battle itself. No one is asking you to stop mid-swing and smell a rose, of course, but incorporating key elements of the setting into the battle are good ways to retain the reader’s awareness of your character’s surroundings. You both managed to write fairly evocative descriptions that contained a lot of their culture: for example, when Till saw the landscape shift and could not feel the solidity and permanence of the earth, or when Shadowed wrote a description of the rising sun that incorporated a certain amount of mystique by mention of Sol having wandered astray or of different, foreign celestial being tasked with a similar role. As far as interaction with the setting goes, however, there wasn’t much. I expect that in future battles, your use of magic will give you more opportunities to have your characters interact with their surroundings.

Pacing wasn’t a problem in the later posts, though there are times when you both could cut a sentence in two distinct ones to avoid run-ons and an excessive number of commas. A good example of where this did occur is Shadowed’s first post and paragraph. I suggested a few alternate formulations in the joint notes below.

Character –3.875/5

The dialogue in this thread was used very shrewdly. Not only does the formal, borderline archaic language help us understand what kind of world and era they came from, but there was also a lot of good exposition. It didn’t feel tacked on or exaggerated to the point of being comedic, Ã* la Eye of Argon. What parts may have felt exaggerated are mitigated by the context and your characters’ personalities, which were appropriately shown in this battle. Vicious but honor-bound Honuse, cunning and efficient Till: they would make perfect complements for a two-man army if they didn’t dislike each other that much. Till’s refusal to let Honuse go on a rampage, as well as Honuse being surprisingly reasonable after being defeated and subsequently agreeing – although rudely – to fight as equals and abstain from slaughtering anyone outside of an official battle. The reference to Sol will probably be lost to anyone who didn’t read your character’s history, Logopolis, but it was admittedly very good. So was the ending line, which was also fraught with Norse culture.

The action was also interesting here, because even though the strikes were simple, they were complemented by insightful analyses and introspections. Till’s observation that Honuse never learned and that his beast-like rage in battle is only an advantage to those who did not expect it showed he had keen battle senses that contrasted with the Lawmaker’s battle instincts. That made his successful prediction of Honuse’s next move that much more interesting to read. Shadowed showed less depth in Honuse’s thoughts during this battle, but in a way, that was within his character. I would have better enjoyed reading the battle on Honuse’s side if there had been an extra layer to his thoughts: maybe not a characterized analysis like Logopolis (as that wouldn’t be in character), but something more raw and that shows his ruthlessness. Moreover, when reading this battle, it didn’t feel like he saw the world through a colorless fog, and the reader wouldn’t even know that he didn’t have any eyes if you hadn’t said so in the first post. Letting the reader see glimpses of the battle from that fog-vision would have been interesting – as would have been a short mention of his platypus-senses.

Writing Style –4/5

You’re both very skilled, and your use of technique was more than adequate in this trial. From the cultural allegories to the circumlocutions, or the more basic metaphors and similes, I believe you’ve displayed quite a panel of efficient devices. The writing was fluid and easy to read during the battle, though as I’ve said before, a number of run-ons and excessive commas did affect it negatively.

As far as mechanics go, though, I don’t remember seeing a typo anywhere, and both the grammar and syntax were nigh-flawless. As such, your clarity score is also quite high, although Shadowed did thicken the text a bit with the play-by-plays, as seen in post #3. Otherwise, there were no issues with the story’s clarity.

Final Score –11.625/15!

Notes for Team ‘The Whole Glory’

Numbers between parentheses are post numbers. Even-numbered posts are Logopolis, odd-numbered posts are Shadowed.

Shadowed, after reading your first paragraph, I noticed a somewhat jarring number of commas that slowed my pace of reading down a lot. Just by tinkering with the punctuation, it reads less like an Inspector Gadget mission statement: “Far beyond the seemingly infinite nothingness sat a bastion of life – a crossroads to the universe, flourishing in the abyss. Untold multitudes of people of all forms and species, even beyond the vast knowledge of the Lawmaker, went about their business in preparation for the events to come. It was here that Thor, lord of warfare to the northern people, had commanded his servants to the Whole Glory the reaping of worthy souls unto the great halls of Valhalla.” To improve it stylistically, it’d need either to be reformulated or expanded upon.

For it was with the barest trace of a smile visible from under his executioner’s mask, that he pulled a pair of short swords (1) Starting a sentence with a coordinating conjunction makes the reading awkward, and this isn’t one of the a few cases where it’s acceptable.

(1) Few people know how the singular and plural work in Norse, so seeing ‘dvergr’ and ‘dvergar’ used can elicit a few double takes. I don’t know of any viable, IC way to resolve this, as I don’t expect your characters or narrators to go into an etymological explanation at any given time. Just thought I’d point it out. Just in case you’re wondering, no points were docked here.

Turning to the dwarf, Honuse Relaiyent shrugged off the touch, bringing himself nose to nose with the one he saw as an unnecessary weight to bear, despite having a firsthand knowledge of the being’s martial prowess, having defeated him in single combat at the behest of his lord. (1) Quite a run-on sentence, with a similarly large number of commas as in the first paragraph. “Turning to the dwarf, Honuse Relaiyent shrugged off the touch. He brought himself nose to nose with the one he saw as an unnecessary weight to bear, despite having a firsthand knowledge of the being’s martial prowess after having defeated him in single combat at the behest of his lord.” Or, alternatively: “Turning to the dwarf, Honuse Relaiyent shrugged off the touch, bringing himself nose to nose with the one he saw as an unnecessary weight to bear - despite having a firsthand knowledge of the being’s martial prowess after having defeated him in single combat at the behest of his lord.”

Ginnungagap (2) More of a comprehension matter. You can’t take for granted your readers’ knowledge of the finer points of Norse Mythology. Names like Thor and to some extent Sol are okay, but knowledge of terms present in the cosmogony of a mythology probably aren’t. You did imply that it was a void in the parenthesis that ended your paragraph, but the association felt incomplete. A more direct link would have helped. I’m not going to dock points here, though. Just remember to be slightly more informative in the future and it’ll be fine. I had to look for Yngvi, too, and it’s apparently an older name for Freyr. Then again, that one was at least in a context that helped the reader understand it was a god.

And this is more of a pet peeve, but parentheses rarely are seen as aesthetical in writing. I’ve seen occasions in which their use was effective, but in these cases dashes or simple commas can be used to good effect. Just be wary of not having too many of either, though you’ve been rather good at balancing your punctuation so I’m not worried.

placing enough of his decay (2) I was confused here when I first read, and I had to read your profile to understand. The mention of his racial ability was too subtle here, but something akin to “placing in it enough of his aura of decay to grab some attention’. Otherwise the decay makes it sound like he himself is decaying, and the putrescence of his touch would be enough to attract attention and possibly harm by infection. You could then use ‘inherent’, ‘innate’, ‘natural’, or even ‘racial’ to make it clear that the aura is a racial ability.

“Very well. Best me with steel alone, and your qualms will be justified in my eyes.” (2) I’ve also mentioned in other judgments that it’s not necessary to take someone’s dialogue in whole and insert it into your own post. It’s even a bit jarring, actually. Referencing that line of dialogue in the narrative is one way. In your case, I can understand that it was put there to emphasize that they were the only words he heard before the swords came swooping. Instead of simply plugging it into your post, you could for example dismantle it into the two most important parts: “Best me with steel alone,” the dwarf heard with rising apprehension, “and your qualms will be justified in my eyes.”Of course, the interpolated clause can be replaced by anything you think would fit better. It looks less like the author blatantly reminding the reader of that line of dialogue, and more like an emphasis on what words alerted Till to the danger of an impending battle.

aiming a deft knuckle-punch up past the polearm, aiming his strike for the chin of his opponent (3) it didn’t sound like you repeated ‘aiming’ for style. In this case, replacing the first one by ‘throwing’ might have been more adequate.