Team Registration: Reflux

[Alucroas]

As you enter the homely gates of this riverside Milltown, the cobblestone road extends to the edge of the village heading towards a river, where a mill is constructed. Immediately upon entering the village, the steady clacking sounds of the mill wheel turning by the natural power of the river is heard, reverberating throughout the village.

A small, primitive bazaar is constructed in the center of the town, where housewife and child gather to purchase their daily mead and bread. The village is outlined with a solid tree wall erected and fashioned together with fine pine trunks. Ornamenting the wall are multiple huts of the denizens of the city, smoke exudes from the chimneys of each of the huts.

The townsfolk welcome me in with open arms, though little do they know, that they what are truly embracing is, in fact, a demon. Well, not exactly, but, close enough. What it does do, however, is kill whatever gets in its way, without a moment's hesitation; and I'm its accessory.

My name is Thomas Balvice: a former lieutenant to the Monterey city Police Department located in central California, not too far away from San Fran. My life went to shit when I was just a kid; parents murdered by a burglar, grandmother died only a month later. Things start to turn around for the next ten or so years, only to get peed on by an oversized space-whale, with so many little things crawling all over it, that it forces the border-patrol guys to up their ante. I barely managed to escape with my life.

My best friend, and partner Johnson, whose last name he never gave out died there, as did my girlfriend, Jessica Lynn. Ironically enough though, its the guy I knew the least, that I feel most sorry for. His name was Jack Theomen, and last I saw, Free Willy over there was sucking him in, like a Dirt Devil on steroids.

I make my way from city to city now, just checking up, makin' sure everybody's safe and sound. That sort of thing. It's the best I can do; hell, it's the only thing I can do now, that Monterey looks like more like Malibu's most haunted. Dead bodies everywhere - crabs running all over the place, converting just about every damn human they see into shit. As for the Yakuza? Well, they're about to be the next main course at the new Red Mobster that just opened up, a few buildings down from Swanky's Bar & Grill.

That's pretty much how things went down over there. As for these poor shmucks, I can't help but, shed a few tears, considering what's about to happen to 'em. I made my way into one of their bars, got myself a couple beers on the house; somethin' about them not getting too many visitors, but I think it just happened to be because I was a cop. Anyway, you've heard enough about me for one night, and now it's time to let you, the writers take control. Just remember, my life has been shitty enough as is, so, try not to go too crazy with the sado-masochism?

I'd appreciate it.

[Wyren]

The moonlight shone through the treetops in a speckled mess, highlighting the undergrowth with spots of haloed light through the dark masses of dry earthen debris. The town in the valley below seemed to beckon to him with warmth, yet it was a chilled warmth. The pull to step out of the forest was growing stronger and then the wind rustled through the leaves and branches. Sap spilled onto the ground in rich, quickly frozen, drops. Wyren hesitated, one foot out into the light, the open.. A softened voice spoke within him, almost like a bird call, with faint whistles at the end of the words,

"You must go through to get to the end.."

Wyren nodded softly, his ice-blue eyes locked on the destination, one more stop in his never-ending journey. Following the scent, the precious smell that he had followed- no, fought to track within the past few months. It was an odd sensation, almost like rock that could live, breathe, feel on it's own. Yet among that was the rich scent of human blood. Humans, the creatures that had enslaved him so long ago and nearly sold him as a mere object to some rich merchant or cruel master. It was the human scent he loathed, yet the chilled breathing stone perked up his curiousity. The combination of the two made the hunt almost instinctive.

Shifting his gaze to take a final look at the surrounding forest, that had been his home for the past few weeks, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the cool air. The past rushed up to meet him in an almost agonizing rush of sound, colors, and stinging burns of the flesh as he dropped to his knees. Hands covering his eyes as he muffled a scream, his body shifting rapidly between both his male and female selves, reacting to the thoughts that slammed themselves back into Wyren's mind, his safety, his only place where he could call his own. The small white crystal disk at the end of his choker glittered and seemed to dance as it released wave after wave of the strongest memories Wyren possessed, rapidly overtaking his common sense and rational thought processes. He opened his mouth, and screamed..


Dark clouds rapidly filled the clear, moon-lit, sky as Wyren's scream pierced the heavens. The memories filled his mind to the brim, the terror shutting out all else as it took over. Lightning struck as a whirlwind of clouds edged with lightning touched down before Wyren's huddled form. The terror fed itself into the clouds, molding it, shaping it into it's own creation. Didre screamed his release, the harsh phoenix call releasing several dozen small bolts of electrical charges throughout the area. Wyren slowly rose, his eyes blank with the terror being the only thing home as he turned back towards the town's glittering lights and ran.

"Humans.. must..die.."

A soft mouth formed the words that pierced through the darkness, Wyren's voice. A small terrified child prayed this millions of times in the fading echo of it's own sounds of speech. A bird cried it's opinion in the distance. The screech of the call shifted to the slip of a knife through cloth, unsheathing of blades. Faces flashed before the child's eyes, his enemies, the people who destroyed what he once was. His very identity, his home, his very purpose had been lost to him. The small blades in hand, he crossed town limits. Didre glided ahead, deadly talons stretching open as they swooped in to claim it's first victim.. Wyren darted forward and lashed out at another. Lightning flashed within the dark sky and screams rose up to welcome the new light there was within the town.

[Max Dirks]

I've added the links to your registration to help judges in later rounds:

http://www.althanas.com/world/showth...7835--Alucroas
http://www.althanas.com/world/showth...t=17992--Wyren

Judgment:

Story 2.4/5 ((I had to modify this category slightly to account for your styles in your registration. You both provided appropriate introductions, but the real goal of the trial was to produce interaction between the characters, which is why I cannot afford to give you a perfect score. Alucross, my only qualm with your introduction was the last two sentences where you utilized a form of omnipresent writing that wasn't established earlier in the post. It's fine to tell the story as you planned, but be consistent with it.))

Character 2.8/5 ((The best part, obviously. Alucroas' 1st person allowed the introduction of slang into the prose which made it easy to establish character. Wyren's hunger and an underlying feeling that he may ultimately reject it established his character well. However, without interaction I am not able to judge you on all aspects of character--namely action.))

Writing Style: 2.6/5 ((Alucroas, you are a very gifted writer. Your varied sentence structure added the necessary accentuation of your character's backstory. When you wanted it to be fast paced you used shorter sentences, etc. However, you began the thread in a distinct 2nd person (almost choose your own adventure style) and then changed to a 1st person style without an appropriate transition. It is fine to use a unique style in the tournament but you absolutely must be consistent with it. Wyren, you have great descriptions, but you misuse commas. To a reader a comma represents a pause in the writing and several times when I paused the pacing of your writing fell out of place. Each "that" or "which" does not require a comma! Avoid run-ons and I feel you will do well.))

7.8/15 or 52/100