The 101 Sequels to the 101 Rules to Fantasy Writing, Part II: Dragons!?
1: Every good fantasy contains a writer-created species/character that is simply described as a talking _____.
2: Aside from those, any creature is allowed to speak and be understood by others if it is an enchanted human, enchanted animal, or the listener is an elf.
3: Real men’s swords don’t get dull. Ever.
4: The only time it is permissible to sharpen your sword – even though you don’t need to – is when you want to strike up a conversation about said weapon.
5: If your dwarf doesn’t have an axe, he must have a hammer. If he doesn’t have a hammer, he’s not a dwarf, just a hairy midget.
6: It is highly recommended that you begin each chapter with a three page long English Sonnet about the deeds of your hero.
7: Characters may break into song and recite poetry at will, but only if they’re elves or bards.
8: If at all possible, do not include a bard in your party.
9: Fireballs may be warded by a properly raised arm, and have no noticeable effect on the defending hero.
10: In fact, fireballs have no noticeable effect on anything.
11: This is not Final Fantasy.
12: Adding ‘a’ and ‘ga’ do not make your basic spells more powerful/affect more people.
13: All characters named Aeris, Sephiroth, and Cloud will result in summary execution of the writer.
14: Dragons.
15: Elves will never run out of arrows, no matter how many they shoot.
16: Everyone loves a good Christian allegory!
17: No one loves a good Christian allegory.
18: Quoting Dragonforce lyrics is not only acceptable, but required.
19: Listening to power metal while writing is the only acceptable source of inspiration.
20: Although the first book you publish will be billed clearly as the opening volume in a trilogy, the projected release date for the second will not be for about two years.
21: It won't actually be released until five years after the first, by which point nobody will care.
22: There is no such thing as too many protagonists.
23: Mage councils come in sevens, twelves, fifteens, or eighteens. No other numbers are acceptable.
24: If your story includes vampires, they must all be sexually ambiguous, and at least one of them is obligated to fall in love with a human, sparking an epic romance which invariably results in at least one of them dying.
25: On second thoughts, don't include vampires in your story.
26: Since you're not J.R.R. Tolkien, at least try and be C.S. Lewis.
27. Don't be C.S. Lewis.
28: Remember: Forgotten Realms and the Dragonlance series are the pinnacle of human cultural achievement, and should be consulted for inspiration at all states of the writing process.
29: Wizards!
30: This is still not Final Fantasy.
31: It never will be. Put the improbably large sword DOWN and step AWAY from the ridiculous haircuts.
32: Plot is only a requirement when you cannot write convincing epic battle sequences.
33: Evil armies come in two sizes: four times the size of your army, and ten times the size of your army.
34: Despite lacking any working knowledge of the archaic English verb conjugation system, randomly employ any parts of it that you are aware of to make your work seem more authentic.
35: Passive voice is the only voice.
36: "Who" and "whom" are exactly the same in meaning and grammatical function, but "whom" is more elite. Use wherever possible.
37: Your army comes in 100s, the enemy's army comes in 10000s.
38: If you are not surrounded by enemies, it is not epic enough.
39: No matter how often you lead the charge, everyone else around you will die, but you will not.
40: Ale comes in pitchers and flagons, and aside from Miruvour and stream water it is the only liquid characters of any species in fantasy literature are capable of metabolising.
41: Chase scenes on horses are fresh and exciting.
42: It is considered an acceptable defence against enemy advance to fire one salvo of arrows, and then blindly charge at them without any kind of coherent formation.
43: Chase scenes on dragons are guaranteed to make critics raise your score by at least one point out of ten.
44: No battle may begin until you have finished your heroic speech.
45: No heroic speech may begin until an exhaustive description of your enemy's numbers and ferocity has been given, and your troops are depicted as suitably afraid.
46: If the evil leader of the opposing army is present, you are the only one able to kill him, no matter how many thousands of soldiers there are between you.
47: Dragons.
48: Every soldier fighting on your side is still willing to fight against 20 to 1 odds, so long as you are present.
49: Formation is entirely optional. Your hero may be in the middle of a unit of spearmen, but can leave it at any point in order to engage on a one on one fight with an enemy champion.
50: Dark Lords are functionally indistinguishable from their minions aside from a different coloured suit of armour, and a more ornate helmet.
51: With the exception of being at minimum twice the size.
52: This is now Final Fantasy.
53: Wait, no, sorry, nevermind. It is still not Final Fantasy.
54: Magic is never explained, and its fundamental laws (if there are any) may be broken at any time in order to prove the power of a given main character.
55: If your mage carries a staff, it is a given fact that he is innately better at magic than anyone else present.
56: Evil Strongholds come in two forms: Dark Towers and Doom Fortresses.
57: They may only exist in the most barren, inhospitable of lands.
58: There is no such thing as a field of crops in their entire territory.
59: Or water.
60: With the exception of a moat.
61: Despite the terrible agricultural policies and inability of the Dark Lord to stop those in his employ from randomly attacking the population, no attempt at coup or even token resistance will ever be made by anyone in his territory
62: Which must contain some form of mutant sea beast.
63: Which is inevitably fed by servants who made a mistake at one point in their career.
64: You are the chosen one.
65: Failing that, you are the Legendary Hero as Promised in the Tales of Old.
66: The Tales of Old, whilst often obliquely referred to, are never explained in specific terms.
67: Unless you happen to be JRR Tolkien
68: Which you aren’t.
69: If there are no prophecies of your birth, you lack proper credentials to save the kingdom.
70: If you lack proper credentials, try a life as a dashing rogue.
71: All such rogues must hide an idealistic heart beneath their rough exteriors.
72: Dashing rogues must all sport at least one highly visible non debilitating injury.
73: If you don't have a magical sword of your own, then there's one in that abandoned fortress crawling with monsters.
74: Failing that, I'm sure the local dragon has one.
75: At a stretch, you can probably borrow one from the King.
76: Dragons.
77: Elves.
78: With pointy ears.
79: No jutsu.
80: Real heroes don’t need armor.
81: Unless it is enchanted.
82: Or a gift from a dead parent/sibling/wife/girlfriend/tavern wench.
83: Elves are always mawkishly virtuous.
84: And albino.
85: Unless they’re evil.
86: If they're designated Dark Elves, they are extravagantly malevolent and prone to genocidal tendencies to rival Joseph Stalin, and have black skin, which unaccountably offers no protection against sunlight, to which they are highly averse.
87: It isn’t genocide if you’re killing orcs.
88: No mountain is complete without a complimentary troll.
89: All prophets must be at least two thousand years old.
90: They also must instantly recognize that you are the one they prophesied about.
91: Especially if you are an orphan.
92: Dwarves will always have axes to throw, no matter that they never retrieve the ones that they threw previously.
93: All dwarves are either red or grey haired.
94: Their battle axe must be as tall as they are.
95: If you can distinguish any facial features past the beard, they are not dwarves.
96: Your albino hero will never sunburn, no matter if he spent his childhood in caves, and then quests across a barren desert.
97: Your mentor knew your father.
98: Your mentor will also be entirely useless in every fight, on the grounds of letting you learn for yourself.
99: Celtic is always good.
100: Dragons.
101: Dragons will always be the oldest creatures still alive at the time of your hero.
Appendices:
102: Your fantasy world need not be more than roughly two miles across, and will be inhabited exclusively by heavily accented immigrants from the northern germanic kingdoms and every conceivable part of the british isles.
103: Dragons know everything, and can shapeshift into human form.
104: However, you cannot steal the treasure in their cave while the dragon is away.
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Originally Posted by Shadowed
