Round One, Bracket A: Body and Mind vs. The Philosophy Club

[Mabus]

Few complaints, and nothing pressing, so I'm gonna post, so Silas can acknowledge what will amount to be a couple of problems.

"JACOB!"

He landed, and as he did, just out of the debris, Maus realized a couple of things immediately. One, someone was just behind him, closing in close enough that he would soon be able to strike at him; the second was what saved him from that oncoming strike, however. The fist aimed at him required that he stop by way of his strike against Mr. Fireballs-On-High. Seemed his adversary had enough of a tip-off to jump back a couple of steps, meaning that Maus stumbled forward as well. Until he caught himself. Until a blow aimed too precisely for one particular object and circumstance missed entirely because of that precision.

Well, not entirely. It brushed him, not even striking him in the way one thing struck another to do any damage under ordinary circumstances. These weren't ordinary circumstances, however. And evidently, as he found the ambient force around the blow bruise him as deep as his collar-bone, he wasn't fighting an ordinary man.

Or being chased by.

No time for snippety thoughts. He was caught between someone that could toss aside a universalist mindset for a singular one at a moments notice, and he had someone that could hurt him badly even when he missed him. He had no idea where Ya Zhen was, and if he'd had time to really think it through like that, he'd know he'd have to keep his head, and move his feet.

He may not have had the time to think it through, but his body already knew what he ought to do. Despite his body screaming for rest, every muscle having donated athlete level and beyond of effort, every neuron already taxed, and every joint and bone probably to be swollen by tomorrow, if not within the hour, he fed on his andrenaline, before it could consume him, and moved to fake right, intending to gracefully slash at the man behind him (Silas), before less gracefully, and more abruptly, charging Jacob with his cylindrical carrying bag against his forearm.

Less damage, more results.

Something happened, as he was faking, however, that gave one action some pause, and the other an unintended and potentially lethal haste and power. He didn't really have time to comprehend it, as he noticed the airshift with the rudimentary makings of mystic force given embodiment, but was thankful that he hadn't been there, because of what happened next.

His sword, incidentally, was in the path of one of the bursts, however, the one intended for his torso. It caught his sword tip, and depending on where the venerable Master was that had been chasing Maus this-far, might very well have cleave him higher up on his body, as the other (or perhaps both, depending on form and power of the) burst of force lashed out at him, rather then the fleet-footed form of Maus.

Whether finding himself sprayed in blood, or simply stumbled from yet another intrusion on his handiwork of feint and distraction, however, Maus would still proceed to drive at Jacob. Not with the sharp point of his gold-worked, ebon blade, but with the broad and soft cumbersome-ness of his bag, a much more certain strike, if also much less dangerous.

You can lose everything, an ominous inner-voice whispered. Not the Patron. Not Knox. No one he really knew. Not himself, either.

[Gesse]

The man between me and Jacob is either very lucky, or quicker than I imagined. Silas grumbled silently as the blow he'd directed towards Mabus' ribs glanced off the man - negating the full force of the strike. A flush hit would have likely broken the man's ribs, restricting his breathing and in all likelihood crippling the seemingly more aggressive of their opponents. As it was, Mabus seemed to stumble and skirt to his right, his sword reversing direction to cut back at Silas rather than taking a second swing at Jacob.

Good fortune, the Master found himself thinking, if he's focused on me, he can't harm Jacob.

NGH!

As Silas was preparing to back step away from Mabus' seeking blade, a powerful and unexpected thought forced itself into the older man's head. The thought was sharp and direct, a completely unintelligible and blank lump of mental energy that meant only one thing: The thought was Jacob's, not his own, and the young man didn't have time to convey a clear message. It meant Move...

...Move NOW!

Reflexes and muscles honed over a lifetime of training kicked in instinctively, culminating in a short and powerful burst of kinetic energy that shot down Silas' legs and exited out the soles of his feet. Thigh and calve muscles fired in unison, launching the martial artist straight up, lifting the man his own height into the air before cresting at the apex of his ascent. As gravity started to regain its grip on him, Silas rolled back almost lazily, tucking his legs into a neat back flip before being harshly interrupted by an explosion beneath him.

Smoke, fire, and ash burst from the ground where Silas had stood not a second before, the hot debris splashing across the old warrior's bare arms and face as he rolled into the last portion of his flip. Caught by surprise, the spry old man misjudged his landing, falling short of a full flip and jarring his knees into the ground.

"Ah!" A shocked sort of yelp tore itself from Silas' throat as pain lanced up his legs, adding company to the audible smack of bone and flesh on rock. Hands held forward, the Master managed to catch himself to avoid falling forward and adding his face to the list of things landing wrong. What was that? Was the first thought to cross his mind, and that thought was almost immediately answered by a taunting jeer from the dark dressed man Silas had left behind in the stone circle.

And so the second joins the fight. Silas thought as he pulled himself to his feet, doing his best to ignore the painful ache that seemed to consume everything from the knee down. That moment, dragging himself upright, and turning to face his new aggressor, was the first moment of relative calm in what had so far become a blisteringly abrupt and furiously paced battle. It seemed that but for their grandiose surroundings, there was nothing large about this conflict. The action thus far had all taken place in the span of seconds, and their pace showed that favorable luck was thus far the defining factor in their struggle. A split-second of hesitation on the parts of any of the four could have thus far resulted in the deaths or incapacitations of Jacob, Mabus, or Silas - and it was only by the grace of exceptional skill and luck that all three still stood relatively unharmed.

"Only a fool has fun on the battlefield." Silas spat back at the arrogant young man who'd made the ground erupt beneath his feet. "Either a fool, or a sadist."

In a flash Silas tried to cross the distance between himself and Ya Zhen, his staggering on two sore legs slowing him slightly, but still lending him an air of impressive speed. The Master wasted no time, driving straight for the armored target before him, powering two purposeful fingers towards the man's forehead. If his good fortune held out, the armored man was a little slower than his cohort, and would feel the sting of Silas' strike well before he could manage to get out of the way.

[Christoph]

Thank you for participating! Tristam will judge this battle within about a week’s time. Please do not contact your judge regarding the judgment until after it has been posted.

[Ebivoulya]

Well, I'll be filling in for your scheduled judge. I'm familiar with a majority of you, but I'll give as fair a judgement as I can. Any questions about the judgement can be PMed to me, and I hope all of you find my comments helpful.


Body and Mind

Story: 21.75/25

Storytelling: 4/5

Christoph: Your initial journal entry accomplished its task of setting the scene and providing background info very concisely, and the novelty of it isn't lost on me either, but a little of the wording seemed unnatural, and the order in which the information was presented in one case. Also, the end of it was a little trite. Good technique, but work on making it feel more genuine. Your description of the 'astral plane' when Jacob moves into his corporeal form was also fairly nice, though it felt slightly cliche. You did capture a bit of the euphoria of such a state, though. Overall, I had a strong understanding of the reasons behind all this.

Gesse: Your intro is mostly backstory, but given the moderate pacing of your posts it has neither a positive or negative effect. It does present some precedence for Silas' spiritual wisdom, though, in explaining some of his knowledge. The general history between Jacob and he is rounded out with your side of things, and other than little specifics there was plenty of information. In your final post you refer to Maus as Mabus, even though your character shouldn't have been aware of either of those names.


Setting: 7.25/10

Christoph: You give life and vibrance to nearly everything in your initial description of the arena, and the adverse affects of the environment on Jacob are clearly shown. After the first bit of dialogue, however, you went off on a reminisce, and as the reader I completely lost sense of the turmoil of the land around you which was described so well in the start of the post. Aside from the soot in Jacob's lungs, and the falling debris, the setting lost a lot of its ferocity after your intro. You began focusing more on character interaction, and specific description. Your first post was essentially your best in this category.

Gesse: Your reference to the supposedly tumultous arena is rather detached, but I believe that works well with the character and his mindset at the time. In your second post I lost any real sense of the environment other than what was directly relevent, like the fireball attacks, and the pillars blocking his vision. What you do reference is described eloquently, but there's just so little of it I feel more like I'm hearing someone tell a story than actually reading and visualizing a scene.


Pacing: 10.5/15

Christoph: The dialogue in your second post was spread out to maintain an even pace very effectively, and I read through it rather seamlessly. The rest of your posts keep a similar pace, though you do falter from time to time. Overall, I don't have much to say in this category. There were no glaring pace slow-downs, but at the same time it wasn't completely seamless either.

Gesse: You leave the initial description of your character to Christoph, and thus jump right into the action with your post, greatly helping the flow of the thread. Throughout your posts you maintain this flow, and do it with a good level of precision. I can't recall any particular instance in which the flow of your prose slowed or quickened noticably.

Character: 26.25/35

Dialogue: 7.75/10

Christoph: The dialogue between Jacob and his sensei displayed their existing relationship, and Silas' irritating tendancy for obscurity. There were unspoken 'inside references' that also gave depth to their relationship, specifically the 'this time.' I definitely felt like these characters knew eachother for a while, and you managed to show several sides of Jacob in his various comments.

Gesse: Silas retains the dignity and riddling quality of a man of dignity, and seems to choose his words very carefully. His posturing is thrown out the window when he thinks Jacob is in danger, and this really brings out their relationship. Silas' remark about Ya Zhen's taunt was also very appropriate.


Action: 11/15

Christoph: Most of the action you described was well-written, and I was never too confused by your wording. The act of summoning the shield despite the obviously violent backlash upon re-entering his body did not seem as difficult as it should've been, however, even though the haste of the situation was expressed. I began to feel like Jacob had an almost limitless store of spiritual energy, but the effects of all of his exertion are finally evident after his attack on Maus, and his stubborn nature shows through a little as well.

Gesse: Your comparison of Silas' speed to a normal man helped clarify his abilities, though it felt a little tacked-on. Your description of his desperate sprint was fairly well done, though. After the initial shock and pain of the shrapnel, the effects it may have had on Silas' ability to reach Jacob in time are not mentioned, though I believe that was intended. The grace and precision of Silas' jump very humorously offset the offending explosion. Later on, you maintained an awareness of the injury to your legs after he rose from the ground, which I was glad to see.


Persona: 7.5/10

Christoph: Jacob's association of the battlefield with a chess board was both humorous, and helped to highlight his detached mindset in his ethereal form. The closing remark of how he never liked chess was also humorous, and indicative of his change in opinion of the whole situation. His urge to reference his earlier amusing similie, and subsequent dismissal made him feel as if he had a sense of humor even in a fight. I got a pretty good look into his head, but I wasn't exceptionally drawn to the character other than simpathy for his illness.

Gesse: Silas' appraisal of the environment around them hilighted his perceptive and wise nature, and his struggle between the protective instinct for his pupil, and his role as partner in this tournament give him significant depth. I feel as though this character is fairly multi-faceted, and even the prose seems rather calm and wise. However, as deep as he is, the thing which drew me to him the most was his connection to his pupil. Other than that, I never really connected with him.

Writing Style: 26/30

Technique: 8/10

Christoph: You stepped up a fair bit in your intro post, and the eloquence of your descriptions there was only matched by the complete regression back into what I've found is your normal style. You brought back the eloquence several times, but you consistently wrote more concise and less descriptive posts as the thread went on. You've also got a bit of a tendancy to refer to your character by name, but it's not too prominent. All I can say is try to keep up with the pace you set.

Gesse: Your writing style is concise, but well-worded and not too simple. You provide some pretty good specific description, but seem to forgo and overall description that may help set the mood. I can tell you're very capable of writing thicker, and think it'd be a better style, but you pull this style off quite well. I liked the way in which you displayed the urgency of the interjected thought from Jacob, and his attempt to discern its meaning. A few other little things like that give me the impression that you're using a fairly polished style.


Mechanics: 9.5/10

Christoph: I only noticed a couple of typos throghout the entire thread, probably about two or three per post. I know they're typos because you never make any consistent mistakes, so no advice here. Keep up the grammar.

Gesse: If your partner had clean and grammatically correct posts, yours would have to be spotless. I can recall finding a single error in spelling, grammar, punctuation or anything else. You've obviously got this down, so keep it up.


Clarity: 8.5/10

Christoph: I think the only thing I noticed, and this was either only once or twice, was a bit of subject confusion, but I couldn't even tell you where. It was obviously not striking enough that I remebered having to re-read it, so I really have no tips here either.

Gesse: The only thing I noticed here was that you always ended your mid-sentence thoughts with periods, rather than a comma, which left me expecting the 'Said Silas' to be a whole new sentence. Other than that, I don't think I had to reread anything.


Wildcard: 2.5


Total: 76.5/100


Christoph receives...

1,745 EXP and 450 GP!


Gesse receives...

500 EXP and 450 GP!




The Philosophy Club

Story: 16.25/25

Storytelling: 2.75/5

Mabus: You began your intro by directly referring to your character, and his partner. You should treat every thread as if the reader has no previous awareness of your character or anything associated with him. Also, it seems as though Maus notices Jacob's illness, even though he is able to hide it from his teacher. This is a little unrealistic. The 'ominous voice' was an interesting touch that added some suspense to your closing post, though. In reading your trial and this thread, I honestly got more of a feel for why you are here in your trial thread, but you did touch on your newfound relationship with Ya Zhen occasionally.

Ya Zhen: You explain your reasoning for being in this tournament clear enough, and you even manage to find common ground between Maus and your character, but other than the general demonic presence of Ya Zhen, I really have no idea who he is. You never mention anything about his past, how he came to be demonically possessed, or even how he is able to control his black magic. All of this leaves a glaring hole in your character that makes him feel shallow, and most importantly, made-up.


Setting: 6/10

Mabus: You work a lot of description into your narration, but it has such a rambling quality to it that none of it really sinks in. You exhibit a strong familiarity with personification, which is one of my favorite methods of description, and barring a couple of strange word choices, you also come up with some nice metaphors. All that description, rare as it sometimes is, ends up buried under lines of explaination and postulation. Your posts feel more like they're explaining things to me rather than showing me them.

Ya Zhen: Your version of describing the setting seems to consist of associating the various aspects of it with things in order to get an emotional response. While this may help in setting the mood somewhat, it really does little good in providing a good mental image of the area. The 'hellish' arena seems to have no effect on your character whatsoever, and it's almost as if it's not even there.


Pacing: 7.5/15

Mabus: The pacing of your first two posts is, in a word, horrible. For reasons I'll detail in their proper sections, I find myself re-reading every other sentence, if not every single one. Your love of the comma is almost zealous in nature, and you also seem to despise periods. I strongly suggest breaking down any sentence longer than twenty-five or thirty words into multiple sentences. In your last post you greatly improve the flow of your writing, and most of the rambling quality was replaced by concise yet complex thoughts. You relapse later on in the post, though, with one paragraph being made up almost entirely of a single sentence.

Ya Zhen: What little description is in your posts is interspersed throghout a very informal narrative that flows as if someone was telling a story to their friend. This is one of the categories where your concise writing style actually helps, and I only felt the pace of your posts slow down from its almost breakneck speed a few times. Your writing reads as quickly as lines of dialogue.

Character: 19/35

Dialogue: 4.5/10

Mabus: There was very little dialogue to speak of in this fight. I believe that's due to the uncomfortable relationship between the newfound partners, but what words they did exchange displayed at least one aspect of their respective characters.

Ya Zhen: Ya Zhen's cynical nature shows in what little dialogue he has, namely his retorts to Silas and Maus during the fight.


Action: 8/15

Mabus: Your description of your planned attack was exceptionally wordy, and kind of dragged on in a too-technical way. Same with your description of evading the fireballs, actually. The action was there, it was just hard to get at through all the minor clarifications and asides that choke your writing to a standstill.

Ya Zhen: Your 'attack' on the fireballs was both strangely worded, and ill-explained. I'm not sure if they grew cold and fell to the ground, or actually disappeared into nothing. You also never really explained how their energy was stolen, or why. You did not explain your later attack on Silas, either, though I was able to understand that one better.


Persona: 6.5/10

Mabus: Most of your narration is explaining your character's thoughts, so I get a pretty clear picture of what kind of man he is. Your reference to the world 'stopping' to announce your entrance into the tournament was refreshingly ironic. Also, your aside on the effects of demonic possession on gender specific pronouns was also pretty humorous. Maus' comparison of body parts to flakes on a chocolate cake, and his subsequent regret of that assocation were both pretty funny too. His appraisal of their opponewnt's posture and grace seemed appropriate for such an analytical character.

Ya Zhen: Your narration feels fairly one-dimensional, and no real connection to your character is ever made. However, you do a fairly good job of explaining his mindset and reasoning. Your appraisal of the pre-existing relationship between your opponents, and your character's hopes that such a thing could become useful aided in allowing the reader a look into his head. Your similie about the cippled turtle pursuing a cheetah was also very humorous and appropriate.

Writing Style: 17.25/30

Technique: 5.5/10

Mabus: You still have the tendancy of strining several complete thoughts together into one long and confusing sentence, and you occasionally put commas where there would be no pause while speaking. You also add interjectory asides in the middle of sentences, rather than at either end. This considerably affects your pacing and clarity. You occasionally list possible other outcomes to a situation rather unneccessarily. You have a fairly eloquent style if you could break it down into more complete sentences and reduce the mid-thought asides.

Ya Zhen: Your writing style is woefully concise, and almost unconcerned with the actual environment in which your character is fighting. The character itself feels basic and hardly real at all, like he just popped out of thin air being evil one day. I notice you like to use terms like 'said people,' or 'aforementioned people,' which are really too formal and don't work in a 'novel-esque' setting. You explain your thoughts well in the narration, but hardly ever give any description of what's happening.


Mechanics: 6/10

Mabus: In your very first line you switched viewpoints, probably accidentally, when you added 'I mean.' You also do this later on, using 'I guess you can say' in reference to the 'way.' Other than that, we've got run-on sentences fifty words long, and longer, commas unneccessarily inserted, and a few other persistent minor grammatical errors. Suffice to say, this isn't your strongest category.

Ya Zhen: You sometimes use two adverbs in a row, like 'completely unintentionally.' In those cases the second adverb should just become an adjective by removing the '-ly' suffix. Interjections like 'of course,' and 'literally' should be seperated with commas on both sides when in the middle of a sentence. You directly reference the reader by saying 'you,' thus switching your perspective to second-person momentarily. Commas should be placed anywhere you would naturally pause if speaking what you've written, and before conjuctions like 'and' unless there are other commas in the sentence.


Clarity: 5.75/10

Mabus: Your postulation of the lack of humans where you found Ya Zhen seemed more like a direct question to the reader than another line in Maus' thinking. Your aside about adjectives and verbs switching was also confusing and ungainly. You seem to refer to your character once as Chell, even though the name is not mentioned prior. This is later confirmed, but at the time caused some confusion. Outside of those specific instances, I have to re-read at least half of the sentences in each of your posts to piece together everything.

Ya Zhen: This is another category in which your short writing style aids you. Due to the fact you write as if speaking casually, there's very little room for misunderstanding. When you describe actions, however, it can get confusing. In one instance you forgot to italicize Ya Zhen's thoughts, though you maintained that practice otherwise. For the most part, your sentences are pretty readable.


Wildcard: 2.75


Total: 55.25/100


Mabus receives...

300 EXP and 325 GP!

Ya Zhen receives...

250 EXP and 325 GP!

Body and Mind are Victorious!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and gp added!