Round One, Bracket A: Penumbra Intersect vs. The Furious Furries

[Jericho]

Sorry for the delay. Spent the first day waiting for bunny approvals, then ran into complications.

Bunnies are certifiably guaranteed kosher by Syaoran, Grin, and Kryos.

I'm cashing a lightning barrage (and subsequent topographic giggles) as a Miracle. All other players (and a mod) have approved.

Come around, come around, in the currents of oil all slippery dark and the bubbles of lead that go boom, echo boom, don't wake up, don't wake up...

This war is bigger than you think.

The tar and ink and waves of mountains, feathers made of mud, can't see a thing.

This storm is bigger than you think.

Crashing and pounding and bigger than everything can't see a thing—

But I am in the storm. I direct the thunder.

Pain and light and sharp and cold wake up wake up—

I have made a way.

Up up up up—

Follow me.

Wake wake wake!

Move.

MOVE!

Jericho's eyes snapped open as the roar of wind and thunder crashed on his consciousness like an ocean. Dim light, a storm? The fight, a flash...

Shield.

Don't think just listen no time. The air glowed gold as something leapt out of the dark, and points of contact sparked over the barrier like a ten-starred constellation. Claws?

Blood. He sat up, pressing the shield back against his attacker with both hands. The smell of blood. Kryos?

Lightning. Three shadows caught in the flare of light, glints of armor, the flashing arc of a sword.

Stop him.

He threw the shield with everything he had. The clawed shadow slid along the stone with the grace of a martial artist, but the wave caught the other assailiant unawares. With a phenomenally loud clang, the giant fell. The third shadow scrambled to his feet. Kryos. There was blood.

A blast of wind and movement. The clawed one was charging back, and armor grated as the giant got to his feet.

I am in the storm.

A surge flowed through his nerves, his blood, his fur.

I direct the thunder.

He lifted the staff without knowing why. The clawed shadow darted closer, twice as fast as any man should move, gauntlets gleaming.

I have made a way.

For a tiny moment as he held the staff over his head, the force of the Voice flowed over him like the static anticipation of a thousand lightning strikes. Then the staff came down like a gavel, and he realized it had been exactly that.

The world exploded in enough light to burn the sea, enough thunder to cleave mountains. Seven bolts struck the disk at once, and the disk shook and groaned with the impact. When the blaze faded, Jericho was already running.

“Kryos!” With a sound like something dying, the platform started to move. The marble sheared apart along its red hot metal seams, breaking into sections while electric arcs leapt between the fissures. Some of the blocks began to lift above them while others dropped below. “Kryos, run!”

He ran, he jumped, the thick ozone stinging his lungs. The very stone smelled burnt, and as he vaulted a gap between fragments of the platform he saw why the thunder reverberated through the disk. No ground beneath the stone—only boiling clouds.

He ducked under a levitating slab, hurdled the bottomless trench it had left behind. A block of marble the size of a small hill rose up in front of them, and his hooves skidded along the slick surface as he turned left to follow the new wall toward the edge of the platform. He chanced a look back at their opponents. They had regrouped, lifted skyward on a floating cube of stone.



-

[Grin]

Bunnying done in accordance with Bunnying law of 2001 statutes 2b, 2c, 4a i, ii, iiii and 16d ii.

The glory of victory, mere feet from the point of his sword. It may only be one enemy dead but it would almost ensure the fall of his elken partner. As Grin's sword came down in the final judgement of Kryos, the mighty warrior was shoved aside with incredible force. He sailed sideways, then hit the slick, wet marble ground and slid along it. He snagged one of the grid-making rails and rolled onto his hands and knees. He pushed himself up to his feet and took in the situation. That damned elken was awake again! Grin should have kept to the original plan and cut the beast-man down when he had the chance!

He ran towards the pair, seeking to finish what he had started when the world went from its dark, stormy form to pure, blinding white and a deafening roar. Rather then try to stop suddenly, Grin bounced his step a little, washing off more speed with each landing. He stopped quickly enough and as the white began to fade from his vision, he felt the ground move under him. He dropped to a kneel, shield raised, trying to maintain stability and balance.

Grin could, to an extent, 'blind fight', but it was difficult with his helmet on and practically impossible when not only blind but deaf as well. His brain overcame its sensory overload and the world came back into sight and hearing. His opponents were already fleeing away across the- Well, what the arena had become. No longer that flat, unadulterated disk that Grin had been so pleased to see earlier, the arena had become a random mess of floating square slabs. Not only would the arena be harder to traverse now, it was also yet more of an ambient threat as the slabs began moving past one another.

Grin turned his head, looking for Syaoran and was glad to find the Fox-man elementalist leaping onto the same slab Grin was on. The slab was six feet by six feet in size and hovered slightly below those around it.

"Hold on, Grin! We're going after them!" Syaoran barked as he set his footing into a strong, stable position and held his hands out, palms raised to the rolling, cloudy sky above. The slab soundlessly lifted upwards until it was above all those around it. Syaoran's hands were turned so that he was pointing forwards with both of them. The slab crept forwards, gradually gaining speed. Grin realised that if Syaoran had shifted the slab quickly, they would both have been thrown off the back. The armoured guardian was once again reminded of what made the elementalist-scholar such a good partner in this tournament. As if to punctuate that thought, the marble around Grin and Syaoran shifted to provide surfaces to lean against that would keep both of them secured to the slab so long as they chose to be so.

The slab gained speed and closed the distance on the pair fleeing on foot. Grin laughed at the scene, his wide trademark smile plastered upon his face. "Run, little rabbits! RUN!" He roared as he neared the pair.
"Bring us down! Let's ride through them!" Grin shouted back at Syaoran, his shield raised to protect both of them from any attacks Kryos or Jericho might launch up at them. The slab began descending and weaved left and right with surprising agility to avoid lumps of marble that were in their way.

When the Slab was low enough and close enough, Syaoran would seek to strike them down with it and crush them between it and the slab below. If they managed to avoid it, Grin would lash out with his sword and attempt to cut them down as if he were mounted cavalry, which in a way he had become.

[Kryos]

Okay—looks like Syaoran isn't going to make it, so Jericho and I are going to throw in our posts to get us over the minimum length requirement.

The bunnies have enthusiastically entertained the elk.

“Kryos, run!”

His legs burned as he obeyed the faint cry and hurtled his body away from the steel giant and after the fleeing form of his revived comrade. Pain and fire smoldered on his injured leg, burning more fiercely than the other wounds he’d received, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. Not if he wanted to live.

He raced across the ground, over the glowing metal railings and through the steaming rain. To his left, a metal line snapped and twisted as the earth rose up in a small chunk. Sparks of power fell in a golden cascade, and electricity linked the fragment to the earth it had left. The matted hair at the base of his neck tingled with the excess static as he passed, eyes blazing with fierce determination. His gaze was locked on Jericho’s back, and he stayed true to the elkin’s path as best he could. He leapt a widening gap just as another bolt of lightning snapped through the air behind him, blasting a crater in the black stone. The tremendous thunder rang in his ears.

He stumbled when he landed; the muscles in his legs giving out with the greater strain. His blade clanged against the warm, vibrating rock, and he glanced around him. The entire disk was fragmenting, splintering off in various sized pieces and glided along like leaves in a breeze despite the ripping wind. Bolts of lightning struck at an unnerving frequency, blasting shards into the air and quickening the transformation all the more. The raw power of the storm overwhelmed him.

I don’t have time for this.

He launched himself forward once again, after the swift footed elkin, who had swerved as a monstrous part of the disk closed off their escape. He adjusted his course as well, weaving between the floating rocks and stone and through the maelstrom of water, earth, and sound. He wasn’t sure how close his opponents were, but he didn’t want to check. He needed complete focus now.

The transformation changed. Just as he passed an untouched section of marble, it rocketed upward to form a wall some nine feet high that ran perpendicular to his path, blocking off any means of pursuit. He but he didn’t think about it, or what it meant. If there even was a meaning in this chaos. His lungs and legs burned with fatigue. Escaping was the only goal.

As the path narrowed between sudden cliff and solid wall, he glanced up. His soul froze over with dread. Jericho had reached a dead end, the path breaking away in open space. He slowed down, coming closer, breathing heavily. Jericho turned, fur matted and rain streaming down his muzzle and dripping from his antlers. His eyes were filled with calm assurance.

“They’re coming, Kryos.” His words were soft, but firm. As if he didn’t fear death in the least.

Kryos looked over his shoulder. Disbelief filled him as he saw their opponents gain on them. But it wasn’t the fact that they came. It was the marble platform they rode.

He dropped to one knee. This was too much. He couldn’t run anymore, nor could he fight against such mastery over the elements or such brute strength. It was hopeless.

Kryos!

His breath caught as the memory flickered in his mind. The young face of his friend, alight with joy. And life.

The Dwiilar gritted his teeth, determination blazing in his soul once more. He wouldn’t let the slaughter of innocents happen again. His mind raced, a plan forming.

“Jericho,” he said, rising to his feet once again and sheathing his sword. “I won’t last much longer, but until then, here’s the plan. You shield us when they get closer, and I’ll cast my magic to break their concentration. It’s our only option.” He backed up so that he stood next to the elkin, his arm brushing against the mysterious warrior. He lifted his hands and arms in front of him. Ready to summon the power of his soul. “If I fall, you’ll have to manage just as I did.”

The rushing mass of stone, steel, and magic neared. Moments away from perhaps the final clash. “Jericho. The shield.” The elk didn’t move. “Jericho!”

Kryos turned his head to look at him. He saw twin pools of warm mahogany staring back at him.

“You said you trusted me to keep us both alive. I need you to trust me now.”

The elkin turned and faced the judgement of the storm. He took a breath, then leaped out into open space. Kryos stared at the spot where he vanished, disbelief in his eyes. Time became critical, as he felt his opponents close in for the kill. He needed to decide now. But was there a difference? To stay would mean death, but perhaps he could take one of them with him. And jumping was downright insane.

Time was up.

He jumped, placing his life solely in the words and faith of the simple and plain man who called upon his trust in the final hour.

[Jericho]

Bunnies sanctimoniously sanctioned by Kryos. Seriously.

Nothing but sky and the mad, electric rush of free fall. The elkin closed his eyes—this was death, could only be death, he'd seen nothing but miles of space below the disk, but the Voice had said to jump, and he had jumped, and that was all that—

Look.

He opened his eyes. A section of the platform, perhaps thirty meters long, had broken away from the main body, tracing a shallow orbit out into the storm. The timing looked perfect.

There was a way.

His hooves clapped against the stone as he struck the forward end of the fragment and rolled, wincing as he felt a rib crack. His staff skittered across the surface of the platform and over the edge, but he paid it little thought. Pushing himself upright, he turned to see his ward plummeting toward him.

But the landing was still moving. In the space of an instant he had measured the distance with his eyes, calculated Kryos' descent, and even before his mind reached its conclusion his legs were churning, driving him across the slab's length. He coiled, sprang, reached—

And grasped a hand.

Fire ripped through his right arm as he landed prostrate at the edge of the stone. He screamed into the wind as his shoulder tore from its socket and various ligaments started to fray. Kryos dangled beneath him like bait on a hook as the elk's legs and left hand splayed out over the rock's surface, searching desperately for purchase on the silk-smooth marble to keep them both from slipping into oblivion. But he held.

Roaring through clenched teeth, the elkin commanded every muscle in his mauled arm that would listen to lift. Slowly, the dwiilar rose, and as soon as he was in reach, he latched onto the ledge with his free arm. Jericho loosed a final cry and relaxed, wincing as he drew himself to a sitting position.

Kryos hefted himself onto the landing's surface as well, favoring his left arm. As Jericho cradled his dislocated shoulder, his eyes caught on the shadows of blood lining his partner's body. Wounds borne in the elkin's defense.

Of course. Of course the swordsman had defended him, else he be left alone against two opponents. But then—standing on the ledge, with the giant stone bearing down on them, there had been something else in his voice, his eyes.

Some light in the blood-red eyes of the demon.

He felt the Voice swell within him. Something more was there, behind the dark gazes and cold steel. In a tiny moment, he had seen loyalty. He had seen love.

As the thunder raged around him, the elkin smiled. There was something in Kryos to save after all.

He stood to his feet and looked skyward. The rock was lifting them up, back toward the main platform, back toward their foes. He was maimed, he was weakened. But he was not afraid.

The first true battle had already been won.



-

[Syaoran]

Since Jericho and Kyros wrote me off posting and posted thier own posts, it is impossible for me to edit my post to put it in on time. Thanks guys, great team work...I'm put off by this big time. So, I guess I wont be posting in this topic again as the time is up.

[Christoph]

Thank you for participating! Ebivoulya will judge this battle within about a week’s time. Please do not contact your judge regarding the judgment until after it has been posted.

[Ebivoulya]

My apologies to everyone for the wait, but I hope you find my comments insightful. Any questions or comments about my judgment can be PMed directly to me. Here are the judgments...



The Furious Furries

Story: 15.75/25

Storytelling: 3.5/5

Syaoran: Your journal entries are slightly amusing insights into Syaoran's persona, and the flashback to his seperation from his father was appropriate. Simply stating that your character remembered their tactics session did not really lead into a flashback very well. If you had said he began to remember, it would've been less confusing. You also didn't provide any indication that the flashback had ended, though Grin's command was a nice way to bring it back. I felt I got a fairly good idea of Syoran's relationship with his partner, and a little about Syaoran himself, but I was left wondering when it came to his magical abilities.

Grin: You start off you intro strong, bringing the reader into your character's head and touching on the pre-existing relationship between his partner and he. You jump right into the action after Syaoran's set-up, and your short flashback was appropriate. However, you mention Jericho by name, though your character should have no way of knowing that name. Same with Kyros. Also, after the fight got underway, I found myself becomming lost sometimes during your description of the moves. You sometimes tack on unneccessary information for the visualization of the scene, and this interferes with the understanding of it.


Setting: 5.75/10

Syaoran: Your description of the portal was short, and left something to be desired. That can also be said about your descriptions of the arena after the fight started. You focused more on the narrative and your character's thoughts on everything than you did really showing me what was happening. It was more like I was being told something. There was some imagery with regards to the setting, but far to little for the level of narrative.

Grin: Your prose is heavy with narration, the descriptive elements sparse but vivid. Your descrption of the 'vortex' was nice without being overly thick, but your description of the arena did become thick and rambled slightly. During the actual battle you reference the environment around you very little, focusing more on the fight. This left me feeling like the action was occuring inside a nondescript void half the time.


Pacing: 6.5/15

Syaoran: The low level of dialogue in this thread outside of flashbacks, combined with the lengthy narrative you use to explain your character's position on things really kept the pace of your posts slow. You tend to overdescribe things in several cases, almost clarifying your original description. For instance, the addition of 'individual strains' after the lightning splitting was unneccessary. You should never have to describe things twice in a row. Other than that, if you could try to intersperse more action into your narrative the flow of your posts would smooth out some.

Grin: Sometimes you explain things a little much, slowing the flow down. The reader doesn't need to see Grin fastening every single strap on his armor. This is especially true during the fight scenes in your posts, and I found myself rereading whole paragraphs to figure out what happened. During the actual action of a thread you should be as concise as possible, lest the scene drag on unneccessarily. You improved this slightly near the end of the thread.

Character: 21.75/35

Dialogue: 7.25/10

Syaoran: Most of the dialogue between you and your partner was appropriate, and the in-battle dialogue didn't drag on unrealistically. The words between Syaoran and his father also felt pretty real, although maybe a little cliche in a few spots. For the most part, though, you did well in this category.

Grin: You had less dialogue in your posts in relation to narrative, but what dialogue there was felt appropriate and at least partially illustrated some of the facets of your character. The in-battle dialogue was urgent and short as it should be, and you did pretty well in this category. Less dialogue than your partner, but you chose your words wisely.


Action: 7/15

Syaoran: You use the word 'manipulate' repeatedly to refer to what I assume is some magical power, but never take the time to explain exactly what is happening until after you arrive in battle (and then sparingly). You say you 'thump the ground' to make a cyllinder of marble 'shoot out,' but never say how or why that occurs. You begin to explain what you mean by 'manipulating,' but I don't know if you're flinging the 'chips' as you break them up, or plan to do it when you get closer. The imagery of what your character was doing was fairly nice, even if it wasn't well explained.

Grin: The description of the fight with Kyros in your post was completely confusing, and I had to reread it several times. When I did understand what you were doing though, I saw a fairly well orchestrated action scene. If you could manage to shorten your sentences when describing action, you would better capture the hurried feel along with the fairly nice imagery you already have. I didn't find any of your attacks or counters terribly unrealistic, and outside of the clarity issues, it was a good fight.


Persona: 7.5/10

Syaoran: Through your character's thoughts on the fight and his opponents, I get a pretty good idea of how he thinks. You also include a fair bit of his history into the thread through the use of flashbacks, even if they aren't clearly marked. The touch about his brown aura was nice, too. The piece explaining his difficulties with purifying himself due to his love of battle also added some depth and realism to him.

Grin: I found myself getting a fairly clear mental image of Grin, and through your narrative I also felt like I got some fairly good insight into how he thinks. Your flashback about the 'air buff' was fairly humorous, and obvious thanks to the italics. The appraisal of Kyros' 'type' through his fighting style was also fairly nice. Overall, though, I really only got a sense of who Grin was in relation to his fighting ability, and relationship with his partner. I don't think much was ever said on Grin's past before all this besides the reasons for his skill.

Writing Style: 19/30

Technique: 6.25/10

Syaoran: In the beginning of your intro you start referencing things you haven't introduced, but this is fine when done non-specifically ('a beast,' rather than 'the beast'). You also reuse the word 'metallic' to refer to his armor. Also, you tend to add occasional mid-thought asides that make your sentences long and harder to read. Your narrative is very thick, and filled with all kinds of conclusions and whatnot mase, presumably, by Syaoran. You don't really give a great image of the world around him, and all that focus on his trains of thought slow down your posts, too.

Grin: In explaining your planned attack, you reused the word 'attempt' a few times, and there may have been a few other instance in which you reused the same word repeatedly. This isn't grammatically incorrect, it's just bad practice, and draws more attention to the word itself than what it's saying. Otherwise, you have a fairly good style until you get into an action sequence. Your descriptions are nicely eloquent, but you put far too much inbetween actions to recreate a realistic 'fight.' The battle felt like it was moving in 'bullet time' almost the whole time while reading your posts. This is a very nice effect, but only when used sparingly.


Mechanics: 7.25/10

Syaoran: You switched from past tense to present after mentioning the lightning-struck enemy was not dead. You also made the occasional typo, and other error, but there weren't a glaring number of them given the sheer amount of text in your posts. You're not perfect, but you're above average in your understanding of grammar and whatnot.

Grin: You remained in past-perfect tense a verb or two too long after your flashback to the meeting of Grin and his partner. Other than that, your posts were fairly close to flawless, but hardly anyone is perfect. It's easy to miss errors with the size of your paragraphs, but there weren't enough of them that I felt you should be penalized much in this category.


Clarity: 5.5/10

Syaoran: You seem to use 'beast' and 'fox(-man)' to reference the same character, though the first time you use those names it's as if they are two seperate people. You also introduced a new synonym for your character in your second post, 'scholar,' which provided some momentary confusion. You tend to stick to fairly basic sentence structure, so I never had too much of a problem understanding the meaning of your posts.

Grin: I have found that you tend to multiply your eloquence with prose upon entering into an action scene, wheras the opposite would better suit the pacing. Because of this, your descriptions of action tend to both ramble, and become increasingly complex and confusing as you're forced to keep up with several factors. Try eliminating the unneccessary during your action scenes to ease understanding.


Wildcard: 2


Total: 58.5/100


Syaoran receives...

250 EXP and 400 GP!


Grin receives...

300 EXP and 400 GP!



Penumbra Intersect

Story: 21/30

Storytelling: 4/5

Kyros: I liked the use of the portal to interconnect the two character's memories, and Kros' walk through Jericho's memories was well done. The imagery you use for the breaking of the magical shield was also fairly nice. Your mixture of short thoughts and sentences to give a sense of the battle was very appropriate, and helped the pacing as well. The end of your third post was very well done, and your focus on your character alone, and his feelings about the hectic battle really intensified it.

Jericho: I really got a feel for Jericho through the mixed-memories of the portal, and that helped both of you in this category. The connection with the 'One' was also fairly well illustrated, as was Jericho's faith in him, and the swiftness with which his movements were guided. Your bit of discussion with the 'One' prior to your awakening set a hurrying pace akin to someone who snaps awake. Your repetition of interrupting thoughts between pieces of the scene was also well done, and mimicked the distraction of a racing mind. I thought you captured the desperation when Kyros was hanging from a hand very well, as well.


Setting: 7/10

Kyros: Your description of the 'stairacse' was very well done. You reference the storm fairly often, at least maintaining awareness of it, but that's all you do for a while. You seem to just mention the physical appearance of the storm. I hardly hear about the effects of the wind or rain on Kyros. Your descriptions of the lightning are very eloquent in your second to last post, however, and you begin accounting for the rain as well. You gradually began working in more of the setting as the thread went on, which helped the imagery of your posts.


Jericho: Your description of the void, or portal through which you were sent was, at first, slightly esoteric and repetetive, but it became an exceptional mood-setting introduction. You maintain a strong sense of the world around Jericho, but often I feel as though you slack in his physical description. You also seem to lose sense of the world around Jericho as the thread moves on, but this is somewhat appropriate given that he woke from unconciousness back into the fight. Still, I would've liked to see you maintain the eloquence in your description.


Pacing: 9.75/15

Kyros: You do a lot of your character's reasioning in the narration, which keeps the prose flowing, but you know when to get back into the action of the thread, as well. There was no need to mention the hand you pressed to the ground as you slid was keeping your balance, though. You occasionally add a little too much information, such as that, but it's not often enough that it made a big difference. Your decision to avoid backtracking and pick up the action where Grin left off helped the pacing of the thread a lot, though.

Jericho: Your heavily nostalgic second post slowed the pace, and at times made me lose sense of the environment, though you always brought it back before too long. Your list of memories did drag on for a while, and though a majority of them were strong images, I did find myself losing suspension of disbelief after the first four or so. The pacing of your posts notably quickened after Jericho reawoke into the battlefield, though.

Character: 24.5/35

Dialogue: 7.25/10

Kyros: There was an acceptable amount of dialogue between you and your partner, but most of it occured before the fight. You're fairly good at describing the tone of a voice, too, and I could almost hear the words as your described them. That was very well done, and immersed me into the thread more.

Jericho: You take a more to-the-point approach with your dialogue, but the dialogue itself is very appropriate, and you build up to it in your narrative, which occasionally gives me more insight into Jericho's word choice. Most of your 'dialogue,' though, was between Jericho and the 'One,' though it was quite well done.


Action: 9/15

Kyros: You maintained an awareness of Kyros' injuries after they were recieved. However, you didn't mention the lightning interacting with the metal grid and endangering you or anyone else. You display the haste of Kyros' situation fairly well as he flees after Jericho's lightning strikes. I could also visualize the fight easily while reading your posts, and for the most part you avoided letting your descriptions of actions get too lengthy.

Jericho: At first I wasn't sure what you were doing with the marble, but I assume you used the electromagnetism of the lightning to interact with metal-laden marble and push it out of its natural place. That's both a complex and awesome attack, well done. The choice to jump from the disk was very suspenseful, as was their close call as they landed. Overall, even though Jericho was out of the fight for a few posts, I got a good visual of what fight he could see. There weren't any points where I was overly confused, either, barring the earlier example.


Persona: 8.25/10

Kyros: I got the feeling that Kyros only wanted to help Jericho so he wouldn't be fighting a losing battle. However, Kyros then decides to protect Jericho until he awakes, which seemed strange since he was so quick to think of betrayl earlier. His loss of hope as he saw his opponents approaching on a marble slab was better done than his subsequent steeling against hopelessness. However, you displayed Kyros' uncertainty about trusting Jericho well, and the spontanaeity with which he chose to trust him. I felt like I got a good look at Kyros and his motivations in this thread; good job.

Jericho: Well, where to start. Your character was probably the deepest character in this thread, and the walk through memory lane in your collective intros had a lot to do with this. Jericho's feeling of a war raging between his partner and he also added depth to their interaction. The poem from Jericho's memory was a very nice touch, and made him feel more real, if that's at all possible. This is probably your forte, and you stole the show in this category.

Writing Style: 25/30

Technique: 7.5/10

Kyros: You maintain an eloquence in your narrative that almost never detracts from the pacing of it, and even in the action the prose flows pretty seamlessly. Simply listing the four elements before mentioning them assaulting Kyros was a little pointless, though, as that's all you ever did with them. Had you worked a reoccuring them into the post concerning them, it would've been a much more effective 'device.' You also reference the air directly as 'air' twice as you describe the lightning, which would've read better with an 'it,' and you do this occasionally elsewhere too.

Jericho: You occasionally use the narrative to further your character's conjectures, but only do so sparingly and appropriately. I was rather impressed with the direction you took in bringing Jericho back into the fight, and that unusual style helped set the mood very effectively in several cases. When you do get into some solid description and narration, you can create some very strong imagery. I can tell you've been polishing your style for a while, and I enjoyed the subtle changes in it throghout the thread. It takes a good writer to pull those off well.


Mechanics: 9/10

Kyros: You seem to make use of incomplete sentences occasionally for dramatic effect, as well as starting a couple with 'but.' You also tend to leave out conjunctions for effect in some places, but forget them occasionally when they're needed. Other than that, though, you have a very strong grasp of grammar and whatnot, and I didn't count very many errors per post.

Jericho: You tend to make use of more complex sentence structure, but you always do so correctly. I noted very few errors in your posts, probably less than in Kyros'. Both of you did very well in this category.


Clarity: 8.5/10

Kyros: Your description of Jericho as he was thrown back by the lightning bolt was a little much for one sentence. You do this again when you describe him as he lays on the ground. Other than that, and your occasionally unneccessary 'extra information,' I had hardly any trouble in understanding your posts. You keep your grammar fairly simple, but still manage to keep a good flow going.

Jericho: While your sentences are generally longer and more complex than your partners, I possibly understood your posts better than his. I can't recall an instance in which I was delayed more than a few seconds in trying to discern your meaning, and you also managed to keep a good flow to your prose, which you manipulated very effectively on several occasions to add to the mood of the thread.


Wildcard: 2.5


Total: 73/100


Kyros receives...

920 EXP and 500 GP!

Jericho receives...

460 EXP and 500 GP!

Penumbra Intersect is Victorious!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!