Mathias had completed his judgment for review earlier, but some RL issues came up to prevent him from posting it here. Thus, I'll just toss it up for you guys.

Quote Originally Posted by Mathias View Post
Tournament of Champions Judgement
Round 1, Bracket A: The Whole Glory versus The Decimation Duo

Shadowed
Your opening post was extremely well written, and I found no errors that I could possibly correct. Your use of imagery and description was vivid, but clear and concise. Also, you gave plenty of descriptive indications as to your characters internal workings, and they were well done. Sometimes, many prefer to show, not tell, but I felt it was merited in this case, as there was little room for dialogue that wouldn't have been superficial and forced. I also liked the way you adapted the rough prompt of a setting given to you by Christoph, and gave some backbone to it and really brought it alive.

The only real complaint, although it is somewhat minor, is that there was little context given. Though I understand the nature of the tournament and that itself, one must never assume the reader's acquaintance with the world in which your story takes place, and in this roleplaying setting, it does well to give a bit of backstory, or atleast as much recollection of recent events allow, insofar as it does not take away from the flow of the post. It is good to give reasons and motivation for why you're in the tournament - even if you plan on expanding it later, make use of foreshadowing and hint at a large wealth of story just beneath the surface of your character - let the reader know that there is a vault of lore stored in them. (And this comment also applies to others, as well, for it is the only thing I can really note for your future reference as you proceed through the tournament.)

From then on, your second post set up the battle really way and kicked things underway without any trivial banter between combatants, which helped the pace, although it lost out on a chance for interaction and characterization between everyone, as superficial as it may have been, especially given the tournament setting.

And from your third post, much of the same compliments as before. I think, at the point where you started talking about the "Glowing One," I was a bit lost for a moment. It took me a couple moments to realize you were talking about Lucien.

Lord Synical
Your first... and well, only post, was very good, and I'm very sorry that you were unable to continue your participation in the thread. I would have loved to see you go all out. The only few things I can note are some errors or nitpicks that are rather minor. The first being your description of cloak. The tidbit, in particular, "unwanted material flapping around your person in battle." In this instance, it is better to refer to it as "one's person in battle." The pronoun "your," makes it much more personable and takes away from the detached sense of narration that comes with the third person. The second thing I have to point out is the line "flame in his mind; the coldness and detachment" I felt that this sentence was chopped off accidently or something of the sort, and it kind of lost me for a moment. I felt like there was something coming that would elaborate and expand on the contrasting idea of awareness being something like a "cold flame." Other than those two things, I could find no other problems or complaints. Good job.

Aralak Mogra'thir
I thoroughly enjoyed your opening post, and it really painted the picture well. You took advantage of the setting, compounded upon it, and really played it up. I was unable to find any grammatical errors that I could pick out, and overall, it was a very solid post. You played off and against the strengths of those before you, and really hooked me for the fight to come.

Your second post really moved things along, kicking everything into gear and playing well off of what actions that Honuse took. You enjoyed the very real tension that gripped him, like the adrenaline that's pumping before the fight even begins. I also thought you compensated pretty well for the lack of interaction and the unspoken codes of honor between warriors, which really helped boost you up.

Logopolis
Your post had its strong points in your setting and descriptions, and it was a good read. I especially liked the use of the language barrier between the characters - although you were unable to speak with them, it said a great deal about the sensibility you have towards the reality of foreign, but interacting words, something many often overlook. Kudos to you on that.

Story
~ Storytelling
Shadowed: 7
Lord Synical: 5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 6
Logopolis: 5

~ Setting
Shadowed: 7.5
Lord Synical: 6
Aralak Mogra'thir: 7
Logopolis: 7.5

~ Pacing
Shadowed: 7
Lord Synical: 6.5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 6.5
Logopolis: 6

Character
~ Dialogue
Shadowed: 5
Lord Synical: 6.5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 7
Logopolis: 7

~ Action
Shadowed: 8
Lord Synical: 5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 8.5
Logopolis: 5

~ Persona
Shadowed: 6.5
Lord Synical: 6.5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 6
Logopolis: 6

Writing Style
~ Mechanics
Shadowed: 8
Lord Synical: 7
Aralak Mogra'thir: 8
Logopolis: 8

~ Technique
Shadowed: 8
Lord Synical: 7.5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 7.5
Logopolis: 7.5

~ Clarity
Shadowed: 7.5
Lord Synical: 8
Aralak Mogra'thir: 8
Logopolis: 8

Wild Card
Shadowed: 7.5
Lord Synical: 5
Aralak Mogra'thir: 7.5
Logopolis: 5

Totals
Shadowed: 72
Lord Synical: 62
Aralak Mogra'thir: 72
Logopolis: 65

The Whole Glory's Average: 68.5
The Decimation Duo's Average: 67

Shadowed receives two Fate Points and Logopolis receives one Fate Points.