My apologies for the length of time this took. I was forced to cover a couple of other judgments to keep the tournament running somewhat on time. I do hope that you find my scores just and my comments insightful, and if you have any questions, you can feel free to drop me a PM.
Whispers in the Wind
Story: 20/30
Storytelling: 4/5
Petoux: You begin your introduction mentioning your character and her team-mate, but with no real mention as to how they met, or who they were. You mention them and tournament as if they should be understood and without explanation. Your third post was short, but it did shed more light on the reason behind the ring, and their overall battle plan. By the end of the thread, I found myself understanding some of Sara's motivation, but it still felt like there was something missing.
Mikeavelli: The flashback early on in this thread was very revealing about Hopper, even if it was a bit long. Most of the narration is geared toward displaying his personality as well, and this really helps me get attached to him. You do however mention MetalDrago by name, though your character shouldn't know that name. You also mention his sword’s name, though he never says it. However, I feel very drawn in to Hopper and his tale. Well done.
Setting: 6/10
Petoux: Your description of the trees and field appearing was rather nice, if a little long-winded. You mention the clouds covering 'half' of the sunlight, but then mention the glitter of your jewelry in even partially clouded sunlight. Other than that, you don't mention the setting much, but still seem to maintain a general awareness of it.
Mikeavelli: You don't describe Hopper's appearance, or the appearance of the forest around him outside of the fact that there are trees, and they don't like him. Your description of the light from your sword was quite eloquent, and vivid, however. Your decision to leave the setting 'understood' kind of draws away from the imagery of your posts.
Pacing: 10/15
Petoux: Your posts are generally quite short, especially during the battle, and this keeps the pace barreling along.
Mikeavelli: The enormity of your first flashback in your second post overwhelmed the actual pertinent information in the post and slowed the pacing. You make up for this in the rest of the thread, and otherwise maintain a good flow.
Character: 25.5/35
Dialogue: 8/10
Petoux: I'm not entirely sure why you had Sara acknowledge a conclusion in the narration out loud, but the thought of her getting whacked, then standing up to say that is pretty funny. Sara’s internal monologue is always timely and appropriate given whichever situation she’s in. What little dialogue she has is also appropriate.
Mikeavelli: Hopper's 'inner monologue' is pretty funny, and brings out his accent well. The dialogue between Hopper and Sara is very realistic, and appropriate given his position in their relationship. I also must applaud the extent to which you show his thick accent in his dialogue.
Action: 10/15
Petoux: You state that she ‘drew closer’ to the battle, but neither stated how long this took, or how far away she was when she finally unleashed her attack. In reading it, it jumps forward unexpectedly. Though Sara’s choice of taking the blow directly was realistic, you took it as if it were a punch, and not a ‘shockwave’ that maintained its cutting edge for 20 feet. In fact, you only say you received a ‘tiny bruise’ from it. How appropriate that was would’ve been easier to determine had I known approximately how far away Sara was.
Mikeavelli: Your attacks were very clearly written. It was refreshing to see Hopper’s age and fatigue catching up to him at a realistic point in the battle. His assessment of his opponent’s intended attack is also appropriate given your narrative explanation of it. Your description of the shockwave shattering your shield is rather anti-climactic and hurried, though. Your description of the abilities of your sword ‘Styx’ felt appropriately sinister, however.
Persona: 7.5/10
Petoux: I get a good feeling of Sara's desperation to find her partner. You give a pretty good image of how the anxiety affects Sara. Your specialty seems to be in conveying your character's emotions and you do this quite well when it comes to her thoughts on her partner.
Mikeavelli: Hopper's thoughts and conclusions about his first opponent were pretty appropriate. Hopper’s surprised reaction at his opponent’s prowess, and his prudence in holding something back until he knew more about him also told much of his character.
Writing Style: 23/30
Technique: 6.5/10
Petoux: You reuse the word 'as' a large number of times. Other than that, you keep a very simple sentence structure in your posts, and they aren't exceptionally descriptive.
Mikeavelli: Your use of third person present tense is rather interesting, and a bit unusual, though you pull it off fairly well. You occasionally string too many complete thoughts together, though they’re usually in the right order. You tend to start sentences with ‘and’ or ‘but’ for dramatic effect, but the same thing could be accomplished with an ellipses ‘…’ or a semi-colon. Despite these things, you have a very unique and interesting writing style.
Mechanics: 8.5/10
Petoux: I don't think I noticed many, if any, errors in your posts.
Mikeavelli: You lapse into second person with 'you' many times during the flashback early on. You seem to occasionally slip into past tense, but it's not too often.
Clarity: 8/10
Petoux: Your posts are very short and concise, and thus, very legible.
Mikeavelli: Though your posts are longer than your partner's, and more complex, they still maintain a good level of legibility.
Wildcard: 1
Total: 69.5/100
Petoux receives...
500 EXP and 480 GP!
Mikeavelli receives...
550 EXP and 480 GP!
Paladins of N'jal
Story: 19/30
Storytelling: 3.5/5
MetalDrago: Despite starting with several assumptions of the reader, you finally touch on your character's past when you talk about his old 'fire skills,' and how he acquired his current ones. Your description of your character's devotion to N'jal, and his opinion of her, also fleshed out more of his mind-set, and why he came to the tournament. You mentioned your opponent’s name, Hopper, in the battle, despite the fact that he never says it. Though you detonated your flashback well enough, the timing of it was rather inappropriate, especially considering the length. This was just before you got struck by a sword, after all. Associating the speed of his memories with his own was an interesting twist, however.
Mutant_Lorenor: Your journal entry was an interesting way to start your intro, but it increasingly grew more like prose, and less like something someone would realistically write in a journal. It still accomplished its goal of informing the reader, though. You jump straight into the story behind your character's involvement in this tournament, and that adds a deal of depth to the thread. However, there was an exceptional amount of it in the first post. It would've significantly helped the pacing to have spread that out over several posts. I thought it rather cool that you tied the Necronomicon into the N'jal, and Althanas as a whole. However, I did think the line about Althanas deserving a new class of villain was entirely too close to the Dark Knight quote, and thus slightly lame. The arrival of a package directly from the Cabal to the Red Hand was an interesting twist.
Setting: 6/10
MetalDrago: In your description of the forest you liken it to Concordia, which is a nice touch, but don't describe much more of it. You also do not describe your character's physical appearance much. You regain some sense of your environment just before releasing your ‘shockwave’ ability at both of your opponents. Most of the time you seem oblivious of the world around you, but when you do describe it, you describe it well.
Mutant_Lorenor: Your descriptions of the environment around your character are generally informative without being excessive. The will of N'jal forcing the trees to give you easy passage was a very nice touch, as was your line about history unfolding.
Pacing: 9.5/15
MetalDrago: Except for a badly timed flashback, your posts maintained a steady and even flow for the most part, though it did slow down during the fight.
Mutant_Lorenor: Though your post read very well and involving, it held quite a slow pace, especially for a fighting tournament.
Character: 23/35
Dialogue: 7/10
MetalDrago: His dialogue is always appropriate, yet ironic. There's not a whole lot of it, but there's enough for a battle.
Mutant_Lorenor: Lorenor has a very interesting 'old english' accent and dialect.
Action: 9/15
MetalDrago: You mention your character carving a staff out of the tree branch, but this would've realistically taken a while even with a sharp blade. Your first attack was pretty basic, simply throwing your staff in front of you as you ran, and a little anti-climactic. Also, you state that your character had not been blinded by a light you assumed to be powerful enough to set fire to leaves and underbrush. You never mention any way your character could have been immune to that. Your description of your character shrugging off the blow from his opponent was exceptionally casual, and you hardly even mention the pain or any effects it may have had. You actually show the reaction of the elf’s dagger strike, though, yet maintain his twisted masochism.
Mutant_Lorenor: Lorenor's entrance into the portal to the tournament was exceptionally well done as was your use of the realm of doors, and the ancient door to transport him.
Persona: 7/10
MetalDrago: You give a pretty good look into his feelings about this tournament. When referencing your character’s nature, you seem to focus more on his sadism than any other aspect of his personality. You leave a lot of things unsaid, though. For instance, you never mention how you ‘disappeared,’ whether or not you are able to.
Mutant_Lorenor: When you finally describe your character, it is done in an almost excessive way, that is strangely exact and actually fairly revealing, if somewhat unnecessary. His devotion to N'jal is very plain, even in your single post, and it does provide an interesting twist to his character.
Writing Style: 22/30
Technique: 6/10
MetalDrago: You reuse your name, 'MetalDrago,' so many times it draws more attention to it than what your post is saying. You can become fairly eloquent and poetic when you talk of battle and whatnot, but for the most part your posts are fairly plain. The repetition of the word ‘life’ at the end of your fourth post was effective, and emphasized how ‘alive’ he really felt. You've got a pretty good style, possibly leaning more towards being concise, but a more descriptive and eloquent style sometimes shows through.
Mutant_Lorenor: Your writing style is very informative and vivid, but not really suited for a tournament atmosphere, however excellent it is. Every now and then you'll reuse a descriptive word a few sentences in a row, but you never do it for long, and it always seems to be a different word.
Mechanics: 8/10
MetalDrago: Aside from occasionally starting a sentence with and, you only average a few errors/typos per post. Generally, you maintain a good control of the language you use.
Mutant_Lorenor: You seem to occasionally add incomplete sentences as one might add something after a semi-colon, such as describing a noun without actually having a verb tied to that noun.
Clarity: 8/10
MetalDrago: Your posts are typically quite clear, though you occasionally add information in an almost after-the-fact way. You maintain a fairly good balance between being too wordy, and too concise, and because you don't branch out into complex grammar too often, your posts are very readable.
Mutant_Lorenor:
Wildcard: 2
Your rolled with your partner’s absence, and kept the thread going in spite of it.
Total: 66/100
MetalDrago receives...
950 EXP and 450 GP!
Mutant_Lorenor receives...
Nothing!
Whispers in the Wind are Victorious!
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