Vainta's Last Stand ((Open))

[Zieg dil' Tulfried]

As the beast roasted under the force of Molotov's attack, Zieg sagged back against a tree. Sweat ran down his face, and tears glistened in his eyes. The life he knew was over. His home was destroyed and he doubted he would ever go back to that ashen city. They same life always comes full circle, and this time it did. The dwarves got their revenge.

The exhausted demon had no idea where his son was either. He could only hope that Kaza and Xeppa had made it to Vla'toros and that Dera was taking care of them now. He picked himself up off of the tree and turned to the west, toward what was left of his people. Sheathing his blades, he motioned to Molotov.

"You are welcome to accompany me to the western villages to rest before you head out." Zieg turned his back on Vainta, forever.

~~~~~~~

When Dera'losta'nofa first saw Vainta in the distance, he could see that it was not a pleasant sight. Smoke rose above the city, and the normal red glow of the underground region was tripled around it as the fire lit up the area. The large platoon of demons, humans, and elves he had gathered from his city rode on however, coming closer and closer to the city.

Stopping his men before they came within sight of the lookouts of the dwarves, he glanced down at the platinum haired child in front of him. The boy slid off of the saddle of the de-winged Magim Beast and looked at the town. Dera stepped down as well, looking over at the city. A reflection of light high above the city caught his eye. Staring closely, he could make out the shape of a helmet, with what looked to be a horn.

"No..." Dera whispered.

"Papa?" Kaza asked aloud. "PAPA!?!" Kaza sagged to the ground and burst into tears, ripping at the hearts of everyone within earshot. From somewhere behind him, a loud bark erupted and a second later a small brown dog ran past. A negative light covered his body and then leathery wings shattered the light. Soon a powerful Magim Beast stood in front of Dera.

Xeppa leapt into the air heading toward the city. He flew high above the wall and made straight for the piked helmet. He grabbed the helmet with his teeth and knocked over the pike. Flying in a giant arc, Xeppa returned to land in front of Kaza and give the boy his father's helmet. Kaza held the piece of metal tight against his body and Dera lifted him back into the saddle. As he himself got back into position, he called back to the men.

"Let's keep moving. There's nothing we can do here."

[Molotov]

Molotov declined Zeig’s offer. Respectfully, but he still declined. The mutant didn’t want to be around any more defeat than he needed to. At the moment, he was happier thinking of the people of Vainta as abstract objects, displaced people that he would only read about in the next issue of the Coroning Stone. Molotov sighed, he would want to keep it that way, because every time he thought of them now, his heart was already breaking. The tromboli was dead, Vainta was in flames. Molotov wanted to see the former as a victory, the latter as little more than a glow in the background. A torched city was kinder as a beacon of personal failure than one of human suffering.

“I’m going to head for the portals,” Molotov said. “It’s time for me to leave here. Please, keep in touch with me if there’s any way I can help. I shouldn’t be hard to find if you send word to the Telthin monastery in Noka-oma, Shanleh.” The mutant wrote the address down on a piece of paper for Zeig and then bid his farewell.

As Molotov left, he put his sunglasses on, just so that his quavering eyes could be concealed. The mutant didn’t look back for a single moment, Molotov felt as if he couldn’t afford to.

-x-

The next day, Molotov was sitting in a tavern in Corone. There were a group of dwarves there, non Haidian but still jubilant at the news. They sat amongst each other, telling jokes, laughing and making fun of Zeig dil’Tulfried. Molotov was forced to bite his tongue.

“Stupid gits…” he thought disagreeably. Frustrated, Molotov asked for another cup of beer.

The bartender nodded sympathetically. “Didn’t turn out to well for you?”

The comment took Molotov aback. “Turn out well?” he asked.

“You know… in Haidia…” the bartender replied. “You were down there, weren’t you?”

Molotov nodded.

The bartender smiled again warmly. He opened a bottle of his special stock and handed it to Molotov. “On the house today,” he said. “Whatever you want.”

It didn’t matter to Molotov that he didn’t know how the bartender knew. Perhaps it was written on his face, perhaps the bartender had mistaken his eyes and coif to be that of a demon, it didn’t matter either way. Molotov had been humbled enough that he was going to accept any kind of charity, be it alcohol or a kind ear. He smiled weakly. “Thanks,” he said. He took a drink.

“Those dwarves won’t bother you,” the bartender promised. “A .22 under the desk will guarantee that…”

Molotov tried to smile, but he couldn’t. All he could do was nod appreciatively. It was clear the bartender understood. “You Haidian?” Molotov asked.

The bartender nodded. “Quarter demon, moved up a generation ago…”

Nodding, Molotov did one of the few things he was unequivocally good at. He downed the rest of the bottle in a quick gulp. “Thanks…” he said. The bartender fetched Molotov another, one that the mutant drank considerably less voraciously. Quietly the bartender and Molotov looked at each other, both of them experiencing an intangible sense of loss. Vainta was not a place to either of them any more, it was just an empty void in both their hearts.

"How'd we ever figure out what we were ever supposed to bloody do?" Molotov asked despondently.

He got no answer.

(Spoils request= Molotov gains the ability to make a fiery cyclone again. Molotov can control this cyclone telekinetically, and the cyclone can reach a height of three feet. He is also capable of preventing the heat from effecting him.)

[Zieg dil' Tulfried]

Zieg nodded his farewell to Molotov as the mutant made his way to the nearest portal. He was sure that he would be seeing him again, Molotov always seemed to show up when things went bad. Maybe next time they would be good for a change. He began his journey to the western villages to meet up with the king, his people, and the desolation that followed.

~~~~~~~

When Zieg arrived in the nearest of villages, he saw despair, sadness, hatred, and solitude. Nearly everyone there had lost their homes, family members, their entire lives. It was all Zieg's fault. The eight year old king was in that first village and ran out to the demon the moment he walked in the village. He grabbed tight around Zieg's legs, tears flowing from his eyes and down the titanium leg piece. The demon was all too reminded of his son, and knelt down to hug the young king.

He pried the Aidos from his leg and led him toward the center of the village. It appeared as though a majority of survivors had stayed in this first village, unwilling to go any further away from their homes. Zieg motioned everyone to come closer and word spread quickly. Soon, Zieg and the king were surrounded by about ten-thousand survivors, flooding out of the village and out a good distance. There would be no way they could all hear him, but he had to try.

"Citizens of Vainta. I have failed you. You trusted me to protect you and your homes and I failed. The Demon Army is in shambles. Those who stayed in Vainta are gone, and those who are exploring have not yet returned." His words were echoed through the crowd and soon everyone knew what he said. Zieg turned to the king. "I am hereby stepping down as High General of the Demon Army, your majesty. I am not worthy to serve the people of Haidia."

Aidos mumbled quietly, "But..."

A voice split the crowd like a whip. "How can you say that, Zieg dil' Tulfried? You fought valiantly to save all of these people's lives. No one knew these dwarves were coming, all thought they had gone away. Sure, everyone may have lost their homes, but they have their lives. Your quick thinking made sure this many people escaped instead of being lost to time. That is why you must stay the High General. Your people need you."

The crowd split as an elf walked up toward the demon. Behind him were several thousand armed men, demons, and elves. It was a rag-tag group, but still they came. Further behind them were thousands more, this time highly organized and flying the crest of the Demon Army. "Dera..." Zieg murmured.

"PAPA!" A boy ran forward, with a small dog close behind. He ran up the muddy street toward his father and Zieg ran toward him as well. He wrapped the boy up with his good arm and hugged him tight, Xeppa barking happily at his heels. We did not think you made it, Zieg. Xeppa said.

"You see, Zieg, your people need you," Dera said. The crowd erupted and cheered for Zieg. Kaza ran back to Dera and grabbed the helmet from the Magim Beast on which he rode. He ran back and handed it to his father.

"So, Zieg. Why don't we go take back Vainta?"

Zieg took the helmet and fitted it back onto his head. It felt so wonderful to have it back. "No, revenge is what left us without homes and lost. I think its time we returned. Returned to the surface."

[Witchblade]

Introduction: - 6.5 The introduction throws you into the story rather abruptly. There’s no explanation for what is going on besides the fact that Zieg is in the middle of a surprise attack, yet Molotov is calmly walking around asking for permission to enter Vainta. It throws the readers off since technically Molotov shouldn’t be able to walk around like that if a war is going on, but then again, I don’t know the layout of Vainta. Though it can be a great attention grabber to throw the reader directly into the action, it did not work out well in this thread. Some calmer, more collected posts at the beginning leading up to the surprise would have gone a long way and would have added to the insanity and intensity of the moment. Not to mention the actual surprise.

Setting: - 6 The setting was rarely described, yet occasionally used, but nothing impressively tactical ever came from it. Where were the tactics coming into play? You had an entire stronghold to plan some kind of offence or defence against the Dwarves as they came through. Using the Labyrinth as an escape was a good idea, but it was a little disappointing being that Zieg knew his way around and there would be no problem for them to get out. Perhaps a few missed turns here and there could have popped up because no one has a perfect memory, but who knows.

Strategy: - 5 What strategy? The only kind of in-character strategy that really came up in this quest was going into the Labyrinth. Attacking a catapult with a few demons against a force of a few thousand is not what I would call strategy, more like suicide. I didn’t see much in the way of strategy outside of the characters themselves either. There was no hidden storyline, there was no surprise ending, nothing, just two characters running around trying to do something and failing miserably at it.

Why didn’t you shake things up a bit? Yes, it’s clear by the title of the thread that in the end you’re going to lose, but perhaps a run for the money would have been in order. They were attacking your military headquarters and they were winning, easily. There should have been some kind of stand to not only drag the quest out a little more and help the pacing, but also calm down your rising action.

Dialogue: - 6 Ahh, yes, the words that we speak with our characters. There was nothing special going on in the dialogue here, in fact I eventually got annoyed with Molotov’s over use of the word ‘sod’. Yeah, it may be like the character to say something like that, but shake it up a bit and add some variety. You’d think the character himself would get tired of using the same word over and over again. Not to mention we’ve got someone here who stated he was good at motivating troops to fight, but I didn’t see much motivating going on in this quest. Just random orders being barked.

Zieg, your character’s dialogue wasn’t much better. He’s supposed to be a High General but he didn’t do anything spectacular to rally his troops up and he didn’t really say anything General like. Both of you could use some improvement in this area.

Character: - 6.5 Both of you have unique, interesting and colourful characters that didn’t really get the chance to come out in this thread. Molotov, your character was obsessed about getting back into good standing with the demon world and being accepted there, but you don’t really find out why he isn’t welcome until close to the end. Normally you could use this as a trick to add mystery to the character and his past, a grab to keep the reader reading, however it didn’t feel that way. When it was finally revealed it was done in such a way as a kind of brush off, not a big deal, thus making it pointless to have not mentioned it earlier and have kept the readers confused and in the dark.

Zieg your character was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. As a High General I would have thought him a better strategist, or even someone who knew how to position his troops around a stronghold. There was also little to no interaction between your characters, just some stoic, empty words thrown out there to fill a post.

Rising Action: - 5 This entire quest was rising action. From the opening post almost right to the end there wasn’t much of a change in the tempo or pacing of the quest and what was going on. Thus, the whole thing was rising action leading up to something I’m not even sure of. You need to have breaks between things to help mellow it out and create some kind of proper flow besides, omg death, blood, destruction and flaming things raining from the sky!

Climax: - 5 I’m still confused about what the climax of this story really was. Because there was so much rising action leading up to the actual fall of Vainta, which wasn’t that dramatic, it didn’t seem like the climax of the story. Yet neither can the fight with that tromboli be considered the climax. Personally, I don’t even know why the last battle with the spider creature was even thrown in there. It had no point; Molotov had already unleashed his fire magic proving to himself that it was still inside him, there wasn’t a huge point in putting him in a situation where he would be forced to do it again.

The actual fall of Vainta should have been a climactic and emotional moment for both characters but it was shrugged off as nothing. I could feel it from the characters, I didn’t care that the damn stronghold was overrun and that should never happen to a reader.

Conclusion: - 7 The conclusion actually wasn’t too bad. The characters parted ways, Molotov going back to the surface and Zieg heading out to find the rest of his people and renounce his position. The emotion was evident in Zieg, the King, his son Xeppa and the people there. It seemed thought out and I liked the fact that the people did not want him to step down at High General, I also like the reason for why the demons leave the underground. I think the conclusion was the best part of the quest.

Writing Style: - 6.5 Both of your writing styles are good. Zieg you need to work on adding more setting into your posts from time to time, not every post, but every now and again. The usual speech about spelling mistakes and grammar, re-read your post to get rid of those, no one’s perfect I don’t expect you to be. Also, watch out for overusing certain words, Zieg here’s your first paragraph for example:

Explosions rocked the city of Vainta as blast after blast of flaming rock pounded against the outer wall. Flames engulfed buildings throughout the city as the attack continued. The Demon Army was in chaos, scrambling throughout the city trying to determine what there(this should be their too, not there) orders were. Screams erupted from the citizens of the large city. The dwarves were attacking, and they were very well organized

The overuse of the word city is extremely apparent, perhaps not when you wrote the paragraph but when you read it over. Try to find other words for it. You could say, ‘flames engulfed the buildings, spreading from one to another as the attack continued’. You don’t need to mention the fact that it’s a city that’s being attacked, we know already.

Also, both of you should try to remember to use all the senses, perhaps not in every post, but try. Sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound.

Wild Card: - 6 Work out the pacing of your story next time before you jump into it. It looks like you didn’t really have anything planned out for this. You don’t always to have to plan out a quest, however in war and battle quests like this one it’s a good idea to have some kind of ultimate plan formulated to go by. It helps the pacing.

Total Score: 59.5

Rewards:

Molotov – you didn’t give a description about how far the cyclone can travel outwards. Since this is an old skill he seems to have found again I won’t limit it myself since you probably have the specs for it sitting somewhere. Also, make sure you include how long you can sustain using it.

Zieg dil’Tulfried receives 2,300 Experience!
Molotov receives 2,000 Experience!

[Zieg dil' Tulfried]

EXP added!