(three years ago)

[Garmith]

Sven cheeks grew a heavier shade of crimson as he swallowed hard. Her soft, luscious curves had been only inches from him. Inches! And he could still smell her faint aroma; a strange but alluring mixture of sugar and vanilla.

The priest mentally slapped himself. What the hell was he thinking? He had been raised as a holy man, a worshiper of God. He was trained not to have lusty thoughts. Just because he had left the church didn't mean that he could become a sinner in the blink of an eye.

Trying to coax himself, he simply assumed that the rocking waves of the water again the sides of the ship, and the salty, crisp sea air had gotten to his brain, made him a little loony. The explanation seemed to calm him somewhat.

"I'm.... Perfectly fine, thank you." He cleared his throat and sat up, acting as if nothing in the past five minutes had even happened. "It's just a bump. Nothing I wont survive from..." He flashed her a goofy smile, trying to be reassuring. His cheeks were still stained with color.

"So, er... Mystic... Where exactly are you heading?"

Before she could answer, however, there was a loud knock on the door. Sven froze. It was the priest who had been following him, he just knew it.

Without a second thought, Sven jerked his dark robe off, revealing a black muscle undershirt and a pair of loose ebony trousers. He hastily stuffed the robe under Mystic's bed as there was another rap at the door.

He couldn't be caught, and he hoped that without the robe the man wouldn't recognize him. However, he also had to hide his face, without looking too suspicious. As the door began to crawl open, Sven panicked. He did the first thing that came to mind.

Swiftly leaning over Mystic, he gave a silent prayer as his lips pressed to hers. His back was too the door, so his face was hidden. Sven could feel a soft heat burning his cheeks, though it wasn't because of embarrassment this time. It was lust.

Hearing someone clear their throat in the doorway, Sven paused slightly. "Um... Room service..." Came a teen boy's voice.

Sven quickly pulled back. "Wha...?" He spun to look at the skinny blonde employee looking awkwardly at the duo.

Oh... Shit.

[Mystic]

Lust, confusion, and...room service?

Mystic's body was shaking slightly from surprise. Not exactly sure what was going on.

She thought he was going to die with how fast he was moving. He stuffed his robe under the bed and looked around like he was going to pass out.

She was slightly scared, not wanting to have to take care of him if he did faint. Her mind was racing as she noticed him lean closer. Her heart following suit.

A kiss.

One simple kiss had sent her body into a heat frenzy. Her mind shut down as her cheeks went a dark shade of red.

Her eyes went wide, her body telling her to kiss him back. She wanted to soo bad but couldn't bring herself to do it. She was too embarressed. Even more shocked then she ever was before. If that was possible.

The room service man had been standing there for a while and yet, Sven continued to kiss her.

After a while, he had spun around to face the young man, confused. "Wha...?"

She continued to sit still, biting her lip as her hand slowly made its way to her cheek. It was burning hot to her touch. Lust still filling her body as she glanced over at the young man herself.

"R-room...service? I didn't...order any...room service?" She said softly, her voice raspy.

[Garmith]

Sven's head spun. How could he have made such a big mistake? Oh, God...

"I, er... I'm just checking... I mean, it's ship policy to clean the rooms if no one is in there, and you guys didn't answer when I knocked, so..." The boy rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry for interrupting." He coughed slightly, looked at the pair a moment longer, then backed out of the room and left the door wide open.

Sven stared at the door, too shocked to move. Slowly, he tore his eyes away from the cabin door and, with a heavy gulp, looked at Mystic. "I... I'm so sorry..." He looked away. "I'm gonna go..."

Sven stood abruptly, unable to look at her gorgeous, flushed face again. He yanked his robe from under the bed, then turned on his heel and slipped from the room. He gave a ginger glance back to her. Their eyes locked for several moments, until he turned again and gently shut the door behind himself.

Sven gave a loud sigh, then slumped against the wall and put a hand over his eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

[Mystic]

Bunnying APPROVED!

Mystic found it difficult to move, her heart still racing. She didn't want him to go yet but, she would feel desperate if she had stopped him.

A little bit of time had passed and she forced herself up off the ground. "I...I'm sorry too Sven. I cant start to like you right now. I have a...job...to do." She sighed, feeling as though she could still feel his pressence. His lips still on hers.

She wished.

That one little thought made her blush a bright crimson. Simple thoughts like that never made her feel so...comfy before. It had scared her slightly to think about it but she couldn't really avoid it...for now.

Her stop would be tomorrow morning, hoping to be able to just leave it all behind, saying goodbye to it all for good...and to Sven.

That thought scared her more than staying but she knew it was best. She couldn't become friends with a priest...could she?

She sighed, shaking her head to try and get her mind off it as she walked over to the door, thinking that he had left.

She felt slightly bad to let him go like that with the person chasing after him and all.

Her mind clouded by thoughts, she opened the door, not knowing that he was still leaning against it.

Her eyes widened as he lost his balance, falling back onto her with a loud thud.

"Sh-shit..." She growled, obviosly in pain.

[Garmith]

Sven yelped as he was thrown backwards by the force gravity as the wooden door was removed from behind him. Well, at least something soft broke his fall. Something soft, that cursed in pain...

"Oh, crap, I..." Sven scrambled awkwardly to his feet, facing Mystic, who lay limply on the polished floorboards. "I'm so sorry..." He bent down and took her hand in his, pulling her to her feet. "Are you alright? Crud, I honestly didn't expect that to happen..."

He blushed softly as his eyes ran over her, images from the kiss moments before flashing across his mind. Damn it, stop thinking about that, He hissed to himself. It was a faulty move, nothing more. Hell, pardon my language, she didn't even kiss you back. You know she didn't enjoy it...

That thought made his heart sink slightly, but he cleared his throat to cover it. "I really didn't mean to do... any of that." He bowed his head slightly as he spoke. "I was mistaken... I hope that idiotic move back in your room doesn't affect our friendship..."

[Mystic]

She shivered slightly at his words. She was taught that when someone apoligizes about something like that, it meant that they diddn't like it.

Maybe that was why he was always acting so weird.

It hurt. She wasn't able to hide it as well as she wished, biting her lip as she pulled her hand away.

"Of course not..." She looked down to the floor and sighed, trying her hardest not to look up into his beautiful eyes. They were so hypnotising, making her blush slightly.

"I mean...." She sighed again, glancing up and getting stuck in his eyes. "I uh..." Her mind raced, staring into his orange orbs. "Why apoligize for something I....l-liked?" She gulped, feeling so stupid after saying that.

It was so out of her nature, making her tense up slightly. "I meant um..." 'Shit...now this is going to be...awkward...' She thought to herself, feeling her body heat up once again.

[Garmith]

"You... Liked it?" He cocked his head slightly. He was briefly surprised that his cheeks didn't heat up, yet again, but after considering it for a moment, he realized it actually made sense. He had grown used to shock after shock around her, and his body had gotten so flustered that it was, well, flustered out.

He bit his bottom lip gingerly, contemplating. As he heard a loud whistling, he realized the ship had stopped at a port. Already? Time must have flown by.

"Mystic..." He sighed. "Thank you. For everything. For lunch, for being my first real friend since leaving the church, for giving me a beautiful face to look forward to seeing again..." He rested a soft hand on her cheek. "I'll never be able to repay you. This may be where we part, but... I would like to leave you with this gift. For, shall we call them, good memories?"

Sven wasn't quite sure what had come over him at that moment, but making assumptions, the only thing he could think of was that someone had drugged his gray-matter pasta lunch.

Leaning toward her again, his lips pressed firmly to hers. This time, however, he held the kiss. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally pulled back. Looking at her several moments longer, he barely heard the warning whistle.

"...Crud!" He jerked to a start. He was going to miss the stop. "Wait! Don't go yet!" he turned on his heel and bolted down the hall. As he reached the corner, Sven glanced back and waved rapidly to the girl he was going to miss more than he realized.

"May God see in our favor and let us meet again!" He hollered, then bolted out of sight.

[Mystic]

"Please Sven...stay safeso we can meet again? You kluts." She whispered softly, sighing at the thought that they might meet again.

Her heart sank in a matter of seconds, watching him run away. He was so perfect in her eyes. She softly placed her fingers on her lips and thought about their second kiss.

She still had a hard time kissing him back, maybe from trust issues? She didn't know. She had to admit that she would miss him, but knowing that they would meet again, she made sure the last thing he would remember of her was a smile.

A slight wave of her hand and the smile made her feel like she was a kid again, never feeling as happy as she did now...except with...the him leaving part.

As he ran off out of sight, her thoughts went back to the kiss. Hating herself for just standing there. She should have kissed him and now? She may never get the chance.

She wished with her everybeing that she would be able to kiss Sven again. At least....one more time.

Now, a looooong wait that she was NOT looking forward to...alone.

[MetalDrago]

STORY

Continuity (4/10) ~
Both ~ Neither of you spent much time elaborating on the past, at least as far as what led to them being on the boat. This begs the question from the reader, what exactly did the priest discover to warrant being hunted down by his own bothers and sisters, and what 'job' was the girl on her way to do, and where? Answering these questions, in even the most basic way, would definitely make this score rise in the future. Albeit, Garmith did answer the question, in a most basic way, saying that this secret had something to do with the very foundation of the church which he was once a part of, but what it would do if revealed was left unknown.

Setting (2/10) ~
Both ~ There was very little by way of setting in this thread that I could see. Characters should not be treated as if they were in avoid, acting in a world without form or color. The surroundings should be elaborated upon, shown to be more than just a background before which your characters act. It should be like a setting in a movie, where things in around you can be manipulated to do things, to be apart of the story instead of just background decoration.

Pacing (4/10) ~
Both ~ The pacing went from almost comedic and interesting to dramatic and frenzied in the matter of what seemed to be a single post. In fact, the change of pace was so sudden that it seemed to be a bit contrived. Overall, setting the pace is perhaps one of the harder jobs of any good writer.


CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (4/10) ~
Garmith ~ This is where things start to separate, as far as the score. Garmith, the parts where Sven talks make him sound like a really sheltered young man with no experience in the outside world, which, as it happens, is exactly what he is during the course of this story. So, all in all, that's a good thing. However, the amount of time a priest spends stuttering should be limited just a little bit. From what I know of the Althanian priests of any order, is that they spend some time working on their public speaking skills, in order to give sermons or host prayers. While it is okay for him to be stricken by this woman into a stutter every once in awhile, having it happen every two posts or so is a bit much. Cut back on the stuttering a little, and add a little more personality to the speaking, and you'll score well in this category.

Mystic ~ Your tone of voice makes your character sound like little more than a schoolgirl who just came across a new crush. I think the finding of new love happened to be a part of this whole Quest, but considering the way her personality usually is, the way she's acted throughout at least a bit of this thread, isn't very believable to her character. A hired mercenary with a heart of stone, who lusts for power... It doesn't make much sense that she would act this way, even if she did happen to fall in love.

Action (4/10) ~ I didn't get to see much by way of action to determine whether or not it was true to character. The simple fact of the matter was that I saw Sven being a klutz, and then the two lovebirds running away from an enemy that they both thought was after them. As such, I'd like to say to the two of you I'd like to see more, as far as actions from your characters, that would give some hint as to the personality behind them.

Persona (3/10) ~
Garmith ~ He's a priest who just got out of a faith that is now trying to kill him over some deep secret or another. Now, as far as emotions go, the reader doesn't get to see very many over the course of such a high post number Quest. The reader sees Sven flustered, scared, and in lust/love. The simple fact of the matter is that there needs to be a little more depth to these feelings, as he feels them. The feelings of a character need to strike a chord in the reader's heart, making him/her understand the true depth or ridiculousness of those feelings, eliciting a laugh or a solid tear when the author deems it necessary.

Mystic ~ Your character has a slightly more developed emotional depth, but it's based off of a very basic set of emotions, from young love to embarrassment. Though more developed, they lack the depth to make them feel real to the reader. There are many ways to give depth to an emotion, such as using rhyme or a metaphor to describe them.


WRITING STYLE ~

Mechanics (3/10) ~
Garmith ~ Your posts are rather choppy, and you separate your writing into many paragraphs, and even separate lines within your paragraphs by hitting the Enter key after sentences. Try holding your paragraphs together in some cohesive form, writing them out more fully. Paragraphs of three or less short sentences in length tend to make posts look choppy if done too much consecutively. It makes the reader pay more attention to the spaces around your paragraphs than the paragraphs themselves.

Mystic ~ You tend to get your verses mixed up pretty good from time to time, putting 'has' insteaf of 'had', things like that.

Both ~ You both have many of the standard misspellings, missing punctuation, and other errors common to most threads. No writer is perfect, however, and you just have to reread your posts and hope to catch any typos.

Technique (2/10) ~ The use of stylistic touches in the thread, use of foreshadowing, metaphor, simile, or any other stylistic device is slightly lacking in this thread. Instead, the writers opted for a more simplistic style of writing. Try adding some of these devices, or others you can find floating around, in order to improve this score.

Clarity (4/10) ~ The thread was pretty clear, but some of the posts tended to confuse the reader more than help them along to the end.

Wild Card (5/10) ~ You guys know how to keep things interesting, I'll give you that, and your skils improved as you wrote. Despite any problems I had with the thread itself, you are both promising talents, and I look forward to Judging more of your threads as your skill levels increase. Don't give up, and take the advice you get from the Judges seriously, and you'll get better in no time.

Overall Score: 35

Garmith Receives: 489 EXP and 252 GP
Mystic Receives: 489 EXP and 252 GP

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.