Greetings and salutations. Despite the fact that this battle defaulted due to the non-involvement of Inkfinger’s partner, I have collected a number of notes in reading the thread that I will provide you with. These notes do not necessarily reflect the scores given, and are mainly to assist you in determining which of your goals as a writer were accomplished. The inclusion of scores was to give you guys an idea of where you stand this round. Since it is later in the tournament, I have become a little more strict with the numbers to represent the improvement in the ‘average’ writing over last round. Feel free to PM any questions you have on this judgment to me.


Napalm Artisana


Inkfinger:

You begin your post by diving into a casual description of how your character had been transported. Though this left several questions unanswered, it seemed to fit the casual air of your character. You can become rather poetic and metaphorical when describing your environment, but you do so sparingly. This almost makes the reader lose sense of the environment when you’re conversing with your partner. Your narration flows into internal monologue effectively, each finishing the thoughts of the other, and that keeps the train of thought going.

Your posts read generally quickly, but there seems to be more qualitative fluff than information in them, and this leaves the reader almost confused as to your character’s purpose. You keep a sense of the world around you through the sights, smells, and sounds, and I was impressed by how aware of them your character was. He also seems to notice the small things about the tournament, such as his weapons being returned to their sheaths.

You keep a good sense of humor about your writing style, and I have to say that an origami warrior is one unique character type. Your dialogue maintains a distinct realism and common flair, and you describe the setting more in your second post, and give it a bit of a more real feel. Your character’s thoughts about the tournament and not wanting to return home explained some things about him, but there are still unanswered questions. However, you portray the unlikely relationship between you and your partner well, despite his absence.

Sometimes your wording is unneccessarily verbose, though you show a good command of metaphor usage and personification. Cael’s inflection is displayed well in his dialogue, and helps highlight his irritation, and you really showed how uneasy their partnership is. I liked your description of the effects those cranes had on your character, and how their vision almost forcibly intermingled with his own. The scene on the catwalk when your character ducked was also well done, and humorous, though the fact that he ‘reacted without thinking’ was a little cliché.

Your character’s reaction to being told to stay put on a catwalk was pretty funny, too. You employ good imagery, especially in the interaction between your character and his partner. Though you sometimes start your posts at strange points, you always wrap them up in a conclusive manner that feels right. The pacing of your posts is fairly strong, but slow enough to allow for a lot of imagery and poetic wording, which adds another dimension to your humorous writing style. Sometimes you string together a few too many complete thoughts into one long sentence with a bunch of commas, though. There were occasional errors in your post, but nothing overwhelming.


Story: 18.25/30

Storytelling: 2.75/5

Setting: 6.5/10

Pacing: 9/15

Character: 23.25/35

Dialogue: 7.25/10

Action: 9.25/15

Persona: 6.75/10

Writing Style: 21.75/30

Technique: 6.5/10

Mechanics: 7.75/10

Clarity: 7.5/10


Wildcard: 1.75


Total: 65/100

Since you did not meet the posting requirements, you are not elligible for any rewards.


Body and Mind


Christoph:

Your initial journal entry brought the reader up to speed effectively, and it sounded a little more realistic this time around. Some of the language was still rather thick for an informal journal entry, though. Your scene changes are well denoted,which helped the clarity of your posts. You also manage to work some good imagery into your description of the arena, and you maintain a strong awareness of all senses, especially visual and aural stimuli.

The pacing of your posts is relatively fast, but you tend to slow down and go off on a tangent when describing the world around you. You exhibit a strong command of personification, metaphor use, and other ‘advanced’ literary techniques, however. Your dialogue is as realistic as ever, and you do well to avoid entire conversations with no narration, though it does get dialogue-heavy in some parts. The conversations between Jacob and his master display both his youthful cynicism, and his master’s aged wisdom and demeanor. Your description of tone in your dialogue helps convey the unspoken meaning.

You explain your character’s thoughts and emotions well in the narration. You lose a bit of the scenery immersion in your second post, and switch to a more narrative-heavy style. You describe your probing of the spying origami crane well, and you explain how you discern its purpose. You display the relationship between Jacob and Silas, but don’t get too much into why you’re at the tournament in the first place. There were very few errors in your posts, but I did notice a couple.

Gesse:

Though you did not cover much of your character’s story prior to this battle, you did touch on it. You pick up your posts exactly where Chris leaves off, increasing the pacing of the thread, but perhaps sacrificing some immersion and explanation. Silas’ thoughts on the tournament as a whole are very unique, and his distrust of such ‘magical’ things speaks about his experience and mental state. What little dialogue Silas has in your posts always seems to be precisely and carefully worded. His reflections on the changes he had noticed in his student since entering the tournament fleshed out his character more and added to his personality.

Your second post further explained your character, and his relationship with Jacob, but it was at the cost of some realism and immersion in the scene, as you lost a good deal of sense of the setting around you. You intersperse a good amount of internal monologue in with your narration, though, and the two flow together rather seamlessly. Your description seems to touch on the most noticeable aspects of the arena, only getting technical in the positioning when it’s necessary.

Your writing style leans more towards general mood and feeling rather than raw information, and this gives a good deal of realism to the thread. However, it also makes it a little harder to follow the story of you two. Also, though it’s a small matter, Inkfinger stated that the fireball collided with the platform, while you circumvented that and stated that it collided with a door. Your grammar and vocabulary are both very good, and this allows you to state complex things effeciently. There are very few, if any, errors in your posts.


Story: 21/30

Storytelling: 3.25/5

Setting: 7.25/10

Pacing: 10.5/15

Character: 24/35

Dialogue: 7.25/10

Action: 9/15

Persona: 7.75/10

Writing Style: 24.75/30

Technique: 7.5/10

Mechanics: 8.75/10

Clarity: 8.5/10


Wildcard: 2.25


Total: 72/100


Body and Mind win by default, but are not eligible to receive any rewards.